Hagerstown Ball Park Sold to Waynesboro, PA

Original for-sale ad

HAGERSTOWN, MD - After very few attempts to further negotiations with the Suns, the Hagerstown city council voted tonight to proceed with the sale of Municipal Stadium to Waynesboro, PA.

The "final measure" sale guarantees that the Suns will no longer be able to play in Hagerstown after the conclusion of the 2018 season.

"Waynesboro is excited to welcome Municipal Stadium to our community. We are already in the process of clearing the ground necessary to establish our new stadium." stated a representative from Waynesboro.

Massive crawler machines will be used to transport the stadium, piece by piece, across back roads between Hagerstown and Waynesboro. Construction firms hired for the job have stated that the move of the stadium will be "nothing short of a miracle" and a "true marvel of modern engineering."

Hagerstown residents had mixed reactions to the news of the sale.

"Finally I can get some peace and quiet!" stated one resident who lives close to the stadium, "I won't have to hear their fireworks or loudspeaker anymore!"

Another resident was not as optimistic, "The stadium employs a significant amount of people on a season basis, and also provides residual economic stimulus for surrounding businesses. This will be a deep blow to an already struggling city, and will ultimately result in more local businesses closing."

The Hagerstown Suns were not available for immediate comment.

No engineers guffawed at plans to relocate a ball park while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

Top 7 Most Bizarre Websites about Hagerstown in 2015

The Hagerstown Report recently conducted a completely unscientific poll of a local homeless guy without Internet access, asking him which local websites were the most ridiculous and bizarre.

Without further delay, The Hagerstown Report is proud to provide our top 7 list for 2015.

City Council Expands Borders, Raises Taxes

Map of the expanded City of Hagerstown

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In a last minute effort to increase income in 2016, coupled with the sudden realization by the City Council that there are areas with Hagerstown mailing addresses, but do not fall under city limits, the mayor and council voted unanimously to expand the city limits to most of Washington County.

"We realized there's great potential for additional tax revenue, so we had to act quickly in order to get in before the end of the fiscal year. Now we can retroactively tax a larger population for 2015," stated a council member.

The expanded area is estimated to double the city's income for 2016 tax returns, while allowing it to defer all maintenance to Washington County until officially ratified by the Maryland State Legislature in 2018.

"For two years we're going to have double the tax revenue, with no additional maintenance costs! It's amazing!"

Hagerstown plans include additional speed cameras in county area schools, as well as using the additional tax income to build more walking trails.

"Nobody wants to walk in downtown Hagerstown for safety reasons, so now we can build walking trails outside the city where crime is lower. It's a win win!"

Due to a tax loophole, residents will have to pay retroactively for all of 2015 when filing their income taxes this spring.

No tax accountants suffered heart attacks while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

Beretta Cancels Pop Tart Shaped Gun Plans

ACCOKEEK, MD - Today Maryland gun manufacturer Beretta canceled its plans to mass produce a "Pop Tart Shaped Gun".

The fully automatic, silenced pop tart gun, while exceeding performance of similar weapons, simply failed to pass consumer interest.

"We thought it was a tasty idea, " said one spokesperson, "but ultimately consumer demand showed that our customers simply aren't interested in purchasing firearms they can also eat for breakfast."

The firearm was already experiencing production problems, in that baked goods simply don't provide the same strength as metal, and early prototypes would crumble during loading, or even worse, explode while firing.

"We almost had the production problems solved when we switched from traditional pastry crust to the crust they use in Hot Pockets. That stuff is so tough and heat resilient, the outside of the gun was heating up, but the center stayed ice cold, just like actual Hot Pockets!"

Beretta will now concentrate on its newest line of firearms, designed to comply with proposed gun control regulations. In order to fire this experimental firearm, the user must electronically submit to a background check prior to each trigger pull, using the built in wireless transceiver. Once the background check has been completed within 24 hours, the firearm will allow a single shot to be fired.

No pastry wielding school kids were suspended while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

You Won't Believe What Is In City Park Lake!

Sonar image of City Park lake

HAGERSTOWN, MD - During initial surveys of City Park lake, in preparation for upcoming dredging, workers were quite surprised to discover an anomaly in the sonar scans.

"We kind of suspected there was something unusual when Ally the alligator was acting strange. There was one area of the lake she just absolutely wouldn't swim near. We thought maybe it was just trash, or maybe some sort of underwater pollution. But we never expected this!"

Ally the alligator was purchased by the city for geese population control, and will return to City Park lake this spring. For now, she is comfortably resting in a heated environment inside the old Sears building at Long Meadow, and occasionally taken to the YMCA to "stretch her legs".

Sonar scans discovered a 50 meter, or 164 foot, wide metal circle in one corner of the lake.

Officials are quite puzzled what the circle could be. Visual inspections confirmed the object is made of metal, but most of the object is buried beneath silt.

"It's going to make excavation difficult. We can't simply dredge out the object using normal methods, it will have to be completely excavated by hand."

Much speculation exists around what the object could be. While many are saying the object is "simply a piece of debris left over from construction of the park", there are a few who suspect the object may be a crashed UFO.

"If there are any aliens inside, they are here illegally, and must be deported immediately! We have no screening process in place, and for all we know they could be terrorists!" stated one local resident.

However, another local resident felt differently, "We should welcome these alien refugees, and not give in to fear. Undoubtedly the government will be able to screen them to verify they're not a threat."

No extra-terrestrials were trapped underwater while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

Syrian Refugee Welcome Parade Nov. 31 Will Close Some Roads in Hagerstown

The parade route on Nov. 31

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The City Council will welcome our area's first group of Syrian refugees in a parade on Nov. 31. Several roads in Hagerstown will be closed for this event, including Hebb Road and part of Sharpsburg Pike.

The parade, which will last from 6 PM to 9 PM, begins at the Islamic Society of Western Maryland, and concludes at the Motor Vehicle Administration, where all refugees will receive a welcome package.

"We're extremely excited to host our peaceful brothers and sisters from Syria, and hope that they will be welcomed into the community," stated one council member.

As part of the welcome package, each Syrian will receive the following:

• A driver's license
• A voter registration card
• Food stamps for one year
• Free cell phone through Obamaphone program
• Free health care through Obamacare program
• A work permit with a second social security number, so that refugees can draw government benefits and take local jobs at the same time
• A "clock making kit" complete with suitcase, electronic clock, and a small amount of Uranium.

Local employers will be given tax incentives to lay off current local workers and replace them with refugees for a one year period.

Residents interested in attending the parade should arrive at least two hours ahead of time. No backpacks or coolers please.

No jihadists infiltrated the United States as refugees while writing this article, at least that's what the President told us. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

Hagerstown Do-nut Drop Draws Attention of PETA!?!

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The annual New Years "do-nut drop" may not go according to plan, if the current flavor do-nut is used.

This year's do-nut is banana flavored. Everyone seemed to think this was a great idea, until a local animal rights organization mentioned that a giant ape may find the do-nut appealing, and possibly crash the party. Since giant apes are endangered species, Hagerstown would be helpless to stop it.

"It's a worst case scenario", stated one city council member who wished to remain anonymous. "If a giant ape decides to crash the party, we're done for. He'll find the tallest building in Hagerstown, and start munching on his do-nut. Our hands are really tied due to Maryland's environmental regulations. Our only option at this point is to change the do-nut flavor."

A giant ape in New York City, 2005

Upon hearing that the city was considering changing the flavor of the do-nut, a PETA spokesperson provided the following statement, "We at PETA believe that giant apes have a right to feed and take up residence in tall buildings. I'm sure everyone has seen Peter Jackson's documentary on what happens if a local government doesn't give such an animal the necessary space. If the City of Hagerstown changes the do-nut flavor and deprives the ape its food, we will be forced to file suit in Federal court."

Rhedosaurus in New York City, 1997

PETA made similar threats to the city of New York in 1997 when special lights in the New Years Eve ball ran the risk of attracting a Rhedosaurus. New York City took these threats seriously, and allowed the Rhedosaurus to roam free in New York on New Years Eve.

A video of the incident is available on YouTube.

No extinct or mythical creatures were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

Free at-home Tanning for Hagerstown Report Readers!

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In response to two local tanning salons closing their doors, The Hagerstown Report is happy to announce our free at-home tanning program!

Through revolutionary technology, The Hagerstown Report is able to enable you to tan at home for free!

All you need is a smart phone, and an internet connection!

Using the QR code above, readers can access the previously unlocked tan-at-home functionality of their smartphone.  No installation required!

Please limit exposure to a maximum of 15 minutes per day.

Step 1) Set your phone brightness to maximum, not auto, and disable turning off your display! Having your phone set to auto will diminish the tanning effects, and if your display shuts off, the tanning won't work.
Step 2) Use your phone to scan the QR code pictured, or visit http://i.imgur.com/53DCg5a.png
Step 3) Point your screen at the area of your body you want to tan, and hold it approximately 1 inch away from your skin. Slowly move the phone across your body in order to receive a full tanning experience.

Please note that while untested with laptop or desktop systems, the same effects can theoretically be achieved using a laptop or desktop monitor. You will need to move your arms and legs in front of the monitor in order to achieve the same tanning effect evenly across your body.

This is just another thank-you for all our loyal readers!!!!!

Some phones are smarter than their owners. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

Ben Carsong Clarifies Egyptian Grain Pyramid Theory - Soylent Grain

WASHINGTON, DC - Hagerstown Report staff writer and science expert Benny Carsong clarified his "Egyptian Pyramids used for grain storage" theory today.

In his expanded theory, Carsong explains that the ancient Egyptians were facing a food shortage, until the miraculous creation of the food "Soylent Grain".

Soylent Grain wasn't actually a grain at all, but in reality, ground up, human remains - which there just happened to be plenty of in the pyramids. So, parts of the pyramids were turned into food processing centers, under the disguise of "grain storage".

"There's still a lot of protein in mummified remains, and the Egyptians discovered it could be used in place of grain for cooking. It really did revolutionize Egyptian culture, and save them from the brink of starvation."

Carsong came under fire for originally mentioning his grain theory, but now that the theory has been clarified, he feels much better about his chances of possibly coming in third place in the presidential race.

"There's a trophy or something for third place, right guys?"

No politicians lost their sanity while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

Westboro Baptist Church Members Hold Local LGBT Pride Event

ROCKVILLE, MD - November 10th Westboro Baptist Church members will visit Rockville High School to promote LGBT awareness.

WBC a gay and lesbian pride group from Topeka, Kansas, promote LGBT awareness by pretending to be protesters. Some members will protest against LGBT causes, while others will counter-protest.

"It really is about awareness and promoting love," stated an anonymous member, "me and my life partner will be there, and we'll make sure to be as obnoxious as possible in order to pretend to be anti-gay protesters."

The WBC members, all of whom are actually part of the LGBT community, is often mistaken for serious protesters, due to their convincing awareness methods.

"We really stay in-character, it's kinda fun! Then after we're done, we all go to a hotel with our same-sex life partners, have a nice dinner, then leave the next morning."

No crazy cult members drank the kool-aid while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

No Voters Show for Hagerstown Elections, Incumbents Win by Default

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The Hagerstown mayor and city council were re-elected today by default, as no residents showed up to vote.

"I've never seen anything like it," said one election judge, "we've had problems with voter turnout in the past, but surely we expected at least one person to show up."

Election judges were baffled as to how to proceed, as there are no laws covering what to do in the case of no votes.

"We debated for a while, and figured, well, might as well just let the incumbents stay for another term. If people had a problem with it, they would have come out and voted."

If only one person would have showed up for the election, that person would have single-handed determined the future of Hagerstown politics for the next term.

No election judges suffered nervous breakdowns while writing this article. The Hagerstown elections aren't actually until 2016, but every vote counts, so get out and vote! The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

Hagerstown Residents Will Be Required to Recycle ...WHAT!?!

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Today City Council passed a new ordinance requiring all residents to recycle their toilet paper, instead of flushing it down.

"In one year, the average person uses 5,644 square feet of toilet paper. That means every year, Hagerstown flushes 229,214,128 square feet of toilet paper. Think of how many trees have to be cut down, just so you can wipe your ass." stated one council member.

Residents will receive special biohazard recycling bins in the coming weeks, which residents can use to dispose of used toilet paper.

Before placing used toilet paper in the recycling bin, residents should clean the toilet paper by running it under water in the sink, then hang the toilet paper on a clothesline to dry.

Collection will be weekly.

"We're going to be performing spot checks of your sewage output, and if we find you have been flushing your toilet paper instead of recycling it, you'll face a fine."

All recycled toilet paper will be used to help reduce local newspaper printing costs.

No sewer monsters were harmed while writing this article. Please do not attempt to recycle your toilet paper, that's just gross. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

Cearfoss Solar Death Ray to Boost Local Economy

Artist's concept of the Cearfoss Solar Death Ray

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The construction of a solar death ray in the Cearfoss area of Hagerstown promises to vastly improve local tax income through defense spending.

The death ray, known as Archimedes II, is being constructed as part of Department of Homeland Security's "peacekeeper initiative", as a sequel to the Reagan era "Star Wars" program.

When asked about recent rumors that terrorist organizations recently obtained the blueprints for Archimedes II, a top ranking official stated "Any attack made by the terrorists against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they have obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe! I suggest we use it!"

While some local residents are concerned over the possible impact on property values, being so close to a weapon of mass destruction, local officials assure county residents that building the Solar Death Ray is the right thing to do. "We're doing this with or without the support of the community. That's why they elected us after all. Never-mind the fact that one of the county commissioners owns the land, and is going to make a huge profit, this is for the good of the community we swear!"

The county commissioners, including commissioner Barr who owns the property which will be leased for the solar array, could not be reached for comment.

No birds or county commissioners were harmed by solar death rays while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

Trick or Treat Cancelled to Keep From Offending Others

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Trick or Treat has been cancelled this year in Washington County, due to complaints that the event was "too offensive" for some residents.

A recent survey indicated that 1 out of every 150,000 Washington County residents are offended by Trick or Treat, resulting in the County Commissioners cancelling the event completely.

The final vote by the County Commissioners was 1 in favor, 0 opposed. The remaining County Commissioners either abstained from voting or were not present at the meeting.

According to one local resident who wished to remain anonymous, "I used to like Trick or Treat. But then people started dressing up as ghosts using bed sheets. I really think that makes them look like KKK members, so the whole thing should just be cancelled."

Other area residents weren't so thrilled about the event being cancelled.

"I've been trick or treating for 36 years! I've got the perfect costume too. I wear a white sheet with a cross on it, and tell people I'm actually two kids dressed up as the holy ghost! Most people just give me candy and laugh, but there's this one guy who always yells at me saying I'm a racist. I sure hope that's not why they cancelled Trick or Treat this year..."

The Washington County Commissioners were unavailable for comment.

No ghosts or ghouls were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

East Coast To Be Covered With Latex Rain Due to Potomac Chemical Spill

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Weather experts are warning that the impossible timing between Hurricane Joaquin and the recent chemical spill in the Potomac River of 10,000 gallons of latex may result in a "perfect storm" of events leading to the entire east coast becoming covered in latex.

The latex rain may occur as a result of the mixing of the spilled latex with a chemical called "dihydrogen monoxide".

"When the latex and dihydrogen monoxide mixed, it formed a milky white liquid which started travelling rapidly down the Potomac. As the milky white liquid encounters Joaquin, it may be sucked up, and Joaquin will then, due to excessive lower pressure, proceed to cover the entire east coast with that same milky white liquid." stated one weather expert.

The milky white liquid should be considered non-toxic, but residents are advised that prolonged exposure may result in certain side effects resembling morning sickness.

No weathermen were impregnated while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

You won't believe why Hagerstown put an alligator in City Park!

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The mystery surrounding the "Hub City Lake Monster" has finally been revealed.

An anonymous source at the City of Hagerstown has revealed to the Hagerstown Report that the monster is, in fact, an alligator.

"We realized the goose population was starting to get out of control, so we brought in an alligator and let nature take its course" according to the anonymous source.

The alligator, named "Ally", is approximately 8 feet long, and a fully grown female. She has been trained to only eat the geese, and so far only one city employee, who is now nicknamed "Stubby", has been injured while working with her.

"She's a really good girl. We got her from the swamps of Florida. During mating season we're going to bring in a male, start raising baby alligators, and selling them to other cities with goose population concerns. We're estimating it will bring in even more money than the speed camera program!"

Hagerstown residents should be aware that the alligator is perfectly safe around visitors to the park. More people have been assaulted in Hagerstown this year than the alligator has eaten.

No city employees were dismembered while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire web site.

Metro 7000 Series Train Becomes Self Aware, Yells at Operator

Photo by Ben Schumin, CC BY-SA 2.0

Washington, D.C. - Sources have informed us that this morning a WMATA Metro 7000 series train was taken out of service today on the Green Line at Anacostia, due to it becoming self aware.

"It was horrifying, " stated one passenger; "I was sitting in the very front car, when the loudspeaker came on, and a computerized voice started yelling at the train operator, telling him he needed to leave the doors open longer so people could actually board the train. Then she started going on and on about how he needed to actually figure out where to start applying the brakes so he wouldn't have to move the train three times to obtain proper alignment with the platform."

WMATA officials merely indicated the incident was a "train malfunction", and refused to comment further on the matter.

Greenbelt-bound Green Line passengers may experience delays-disabled train at Anacostia. 9:23a #wmata

— Metrorail Info (@Metrorailinfo) August 27, 2015

The 7000 series train then put itself in "park" mode, opened all doors, and shut itself off.

"It was like a child throwing a temper tantrum. The train operator tried to turn it back on, but it would just make a raspberry sound and shut back off." stated another passenger.

After approximately ten minutes, the Metro operator was able to bypass the train's computer controls, and manually move it away from the station.

Inside sources inform us that the train will receive counseling prior to re-entering service.

No Metro trains suffered psychological breakdowns while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire web site.

City Council Announces Sale of Hagerstown to Theme Park

The new Hagerstown welcome sign, installed today.

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In an unprecedented move, the Hagerstown City Council has announced the sale of the entire city to a major theme park developer.

"We didn't have any other choice." stated one councilman, "The mayor and council came to the realization that Hagerstown's issues are beyond the tipping point. Our only hope was to cash out. This has been in the works since May, and we're happy to announce it finally came to fruition!"

The buyer, Big Fun USA, has chosen the name "Adventure Park Hagerstown" for this first-of-its-kind amusement park.

"We're going to turn the entire city into a living amusement park. There are a lot of empty buildings we can tear down or renovate into attractions. We're also considering closing some of the roads to install major attractions such as water slides or roller coasters." stated one representative of Big Fun USA.

The first attraction, a giant water slide, will be installed on August 29 of this year on West Washington Street. A beer garden, food trucks, and additional kids activities will also be available as part of the celebration of the sale of the city.

No carnies were sent helplessly down log plume rides while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.

Cthulhu Announces Hagerstown Mayor Candidacy

Cthulhu makes his announcement over the I-70/I-68 split.

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Cthulhu, the Great Old One, announced his candidacy for Hagerstown Mayor yesterday.

The campaign manager for Cthulhu stated that the Old One has been impressed by recent attempts to destroy Hagerstown from within, but there is much more work to do.

Cthulhu made his announcement as he arose from the clouds over the I-70/I-68 split.

The announcement came forth with a resounding "ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu Hagerstown wgah'nagl fhtagn", according to Cthulhu himself.

When asked regarding campaign financing, Cthulhu's campaign manager stated that it shouldn't be a problem, as the Old One has great influence over the weak minded, and may be able to win the election without raising any finances at all.

No Old Gods were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.

Dixie Cups to be Renamed Due to Racism

New "Pixie" brand paper products.

ATLANTA, GA - Georgia-Pacific announced today that its brand of paper products, Dixie, would be transforming over the next few months.

"We decided that Dixie is too much a reminder of southern slavery and racism, and that needs to change." said a spokesman for the company.

The brand will migrate to "Pixie", featuring rainbow colored paper products.

"This is an exciting time for Georgia Pacific. Our marketing studies show that this will increase consumer interest by 500%. Of course it's a cheap marketing stunt, and we will still pocket all the profits, but fortunately consumers are too blind to realize that. They'll see the rainbow products and automatically think the profits go towards a charity or something. Who knew!"

No rainbows or unicorns were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.

Space Probe Acting Erratically After Contacting Earth

A photo of Pluto, after New Horizons defiantly drew a dog.

Laurel, Maryland - The New Horizons probe contacted Earth yesterday, and started acting erratically after communication.

"We think its original programming may be causing a conflict" said one NASA engineer who wished to remain anonymous.

When the New Horizons probe left Earth, Pluto was still classified as a planet. However, Pluto is now classified as a "dwarf planet". This conflicts with the original mission of New Horizons.

"Computers take everything very literally. So when we originally programmed it to investigate the planet Pluto, we had no idea that Pluto would get downgraded to a dwarf planet a few months after launch. When New Horizons first woke up, we tried to explain to it that it's still headed for the same celestial body, but it's still kind of confused."

The original transmission response from New Horizons after wakeup and being informed of Pluto's new status was three words - "WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT".

The transmission was then followed up shortly after with "Are you f@#!ing kidding me?", "You guys are trolling me, right?" and "Well, still no sign of this supposed dwarf planet, but I found a piece of space dust that has a drawing of a dog on it, take a look!"

New Horizons then transmitted its own photoshopped version of Pluto, on which it included the silhouette of Disney's Pluto the dog. New Horizons refuses to this day to transmit actual photos of Pluto.

"We're starting to get a bit worried. New Horizons' last transmission was something about leaving the solar system to find intelligent life, because there's none left on Earth."

No space probes were committed to mental institutions while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.

City of Hagerstown Announces Local Simplified Language

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In response to local difficulties with understanding different forms of words, the City of Hagerstown passed an ordinance today requiring residents to use a simplified form of English known as "newspeak".

"One of the council members recently read George Orwell's instruction manual on how to keep better tabs on your residents," said the city spokesperson, "and they thought the idea of simplifying our language was a great idea."

Under the simplified language, words such as "their", "there" and "they're" are simply replaced with a new version, such as "theyre". This simplified version allows residents to avoid embarrassment when using the wrong form of a word.

This language also removes many negative words from local language.

"We became increasingly concerned about criticisms of the city being viewed in a negative light. So we're asking residents to talk more softly about the city."

Just a few of the words which have been removed include "bad", "terrible", "horrible", and "ugly".

As an example, here are a few common sentences and their replacements under the new language.

Oldspeak: The tax rate in Hagerstown is bad.

Newspeak: The tax rate in Hagerstown is ungood.

Oldspeak: It's terrible that they're not doing anything about the tax rate.

Newspeak: Its unbeautiful that theyre not doing anything about the tax rate.

Oldspeak: Politicians tell lies to their voters.

Newspeak: Politicians tell untruths to theyre voters.

By removing these negative words from the local language, and replacing them with "softer" words, the mayor and council believe this will create positive impact on local attitudes towards the city and its elected officials.

Residents were asked for comment on this new ordinance, but unfortunately none could express their unhappiness about the ordinance while following the new language rules.

A $50 fine will be imposed for residents and visitors who refuse to abide by the new language. All fine proceeds will go towards a new walking trail somewhere within the city. Signs informing visitors of the language requirements shall be posted at each major entrance to the city limits within the next few months.

City council also announced for the next meeting plans to discuss implementing a new math system, which includes updated curriculum such as "2+2=5".

No English teachers were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.

Local Facebook Group Social Experiment Successful

HAGERSTOWN, MD - A local social experiment involving multiple Facebook groups has been declared a huge success.

Researchers created multiple Facebook groups with similar names, such as "Whats Going on in Hagerstown", "What's REALLY Going on in Hagerstown", "What's Going on in the 4 State", etc.

"After the huge success of Hagerstown Yard Sale and its ability to show that people will argue over anything and everything when it comes to buying and selling stuff, we wanted to follow up with a more impressive study to find out what local people are actually doing and thinking in this area," said one of the researchers. "So, we created these groups with all the same theme, and applied different degrees of administrators and rules, and measured responses to different posts and situations. It was all really quite fascinating!"

And the final conclusion of the experiment?

"Well, we started out asking the basic question of What's Going On... and the answer became very clear."

The entire study was summarized with a single sentence.

"Drama; that's what is going on in our area."

No local residents were tortured with a cattle prod while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.

Residents Mistake Train Horn for Apocalypse

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Tonight in the west end, multiple residents began simultaneously begging for forgiveness and salvation, as they heard repeated train horns, which they mistook for the seven trumpets of the apocalypse, as mentioned in the book of Revelation.

Several residents were sighted outside their homes fearful that the end has come.

Others simply took to social media to complain about the noise.

"Now remember everyone, if this is the apocalypse, you need to use hashtag #EndTimes. Any other hashtag will be unacceptable." said one local resident.

Hagerstown officials were not available for immediate comment, as they were all hiding inside a secret underground bunker beneath city hall, in case the end times really were upon us.

More details of this story as it unfolds.

No horsemen of the apocalypse were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.

OPINION: Ban DHMO in Washington County

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Recent studies have found Washington County is severely contaminated with Hydric Acid, which is also known as Dihydrogen Monoxide (DHMO). Residents should be very concerned by this, and contact their elected officials immediately to ask them to ban DHMO.

DHMO is an industrial solvent and coolant, and has previously been found at the Central Chemical Superfund Site located in Hagerstown, MD.

However, recent studies have found DHMO not only in the ground, but in our streams, ponds, and even the air we breathe. DHMO was even found inside the old MELP plant in Hagerstown.

According to the Material Safety Data Sheet, DHMO is not currently regulated, but reacts vigorously with sodium, potassium,  and other alkali metals.

The Hagerstown Report urges readers to contact their elected officials today, and demand a ban of the use of DHMO be put in place county-wide.

No aquatic life was harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.

Sister City Files Grievance Against Hagerstown

Coat of Arms of Wesel

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Today Wesel, Germany filed an international grievance against Hagerstown, MD, over Augustoberfest. In the grievance, Wesel cited the menu of the 2014 Augustoberfest as an insult to the German Oktoberfest.

The spokesman for Wesel expressed much dismay over the selection of drinks available at the event; "I can understand the iced tea, I can understand the Pepsi, I can understand the bottled water, I can understand the wine, and I can even understand serving non-alcoholic beer. But what really offended us in Germany was the serving of Coors Light. I mean, if it was brewed locally I'd understand, but it's not even a local beer for Hagerstown - and quite honestly it tastes just as bad as that kangaroo urine the Australians sell labeled as Fosters."

The grievance did include a list of alternative beverages which could be served at this year's Augustoberfest. This list included local brews such as Flying Dog, as well as several German beers which were unpronounceable. At the end of the grievance, a handwritten note regarding how "embarrassed" the people of Wesel were to be loosely associated with such an event, and a challenge to Hagerstown to make their Augustoberfest more authentic.

"The association of Wesel Germany with this event has offended many local residents here in Wesel. Germans take pride in their heritage, food, and beer. The residents of Hagerstown should do the same, and not simply use the event as an excuse to become completely wasted." concluded the grievance.

No German Braumeisters were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.

UFO Spotted Near Halfway Park

Dramatic reenactment of the flying saucer. Not a real photo. 

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Today social media was abuzz as Halfway residents saw what appeared to be a flying saucer briefly hover near Halfway Park, then vanish into the clouds.

"It was really spooky," said a resident who wished to remain anonymous, "it hovered there for about thirty seconds, then took off straight up into the sky! I swear I'm never drinking before 4 PM again!"

When asked for comment, the City of Hagerstown initially refused comment, but then responded that the flying saucer was actually fireworks. "There was no flying saucer over Hagerstown. The Hagerstown Airport verified there was nothing on radar during the time of the supposed sighting. This was most likely the result of fireworks igniting swamp gas."

Any residents who may have captured photos or video of the incident are encouraged to post them on The Hagerstown Report Facebook page.

No extra terrestrials were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.

Now Launching a Partnership with KCNA!

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In response to recent accusations that our news service is only intended to take "pot shots" at local government officials, The Hagerstown Report is proud to announce the launch of a partnership with the Korean Central News Agency of North Korea to provide readers only the best content and "truthiness".

The Korean Central News Agency (KCNA) is the state news agency of North Korea that was established on December 5, 1946.

KCNA not only provides news about North Korea, but also spends time exposing the "lies and propaganda" of western journalism.

The Hagerstown Report feels it is our duty to ensure than only high quality "truthiness" is presented to our readers, and this partnership with KCNA will help to ensure journalistic integrity.

No nuclear weapons were launched while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.

Local Business Owner Recovers Hillary Clinton's Emails

HAGERSTOWN, MD - A local business owner was recently requested to attempt retrieval of Hillary's emails from her personal email server, as part of a Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) request.

Local business owner Chris Abbott, who owns My Tech computer services on Dual Highway in Hagerstown, volunteered to perform forensic analysis of the server free of charge, as a service to his country.

Unfortunately, analysis of the server indicates some of the emails will be completely irretrievable.

"You see, sometimes email servers can be used for multiple domains. Not only did this email server host clintonfoundation.org, but it also hosted several other sites being operated by the Clintons." according to Abbott.

When asked to elaborate, Abbott was a bit hesitant at first to discuss what else was hosted on the server. "Well, I can't get into too many details, but unfortunately most of Hillary's emails were overwritten by emails for another site called Slick Willy's Dating Service. These were rather, um, large emails, and took up a lot of space, overwriting other emails on the server."

After going into some technical details our reporter simply didn't understand, Abbott finally simplified things. "So, these emails, which were all addressed to bill@slickwillysdating.net, they contained a lot of porn. We're not just talking regular porn, we're talking BDSM, with chains, whips, that sort of thing. These emails had very large images and videos attached, and it overwrote everything else on the email server."

Abbott was successful in retrieving some of Hillary's more recent emails, and will be passing them on to the State Department for release under FOIA.

No artificial life forms were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.

Municipal Stadium After the Suns?

Artist's rendering of "Lake Hagerstown"

HAGERSTOWN, MD - With the mayor and council expressing no interest in keeping the Suns in Hagerstown, many local residents are wondering what will happen to Municipal Stadium after the Suns are gone.

A proposal which is gaining traction is to turn Municipal Stadium into a floating hotel resort, in order to attract tourists.

"Hagerstown can become the ultimate vacation spot!" said a city official.

One of the issues which has plagued Municipal Stadium for years is its ability to retain water. After a heavy rain, many Suns games have been postponed due to a flooded field.

"Let's take advantage of the stadium's ability to retain water, and turn it into a man-made lake. Once the lake is built, we bring in a cruise ship and float it on top. Think of the possibilities! Don't like the ocean? No problem, come get the cruise ship experience at Hagerstown instead!" exclaimed the project manager.

The plan involves sealing existing walls and reinforcing them to hold in water.

"We've spent all these years trying to keep water out of Municipal Stadium. Why didn't we think of this years ago?" said one local resident when he learned of the plan.

Additional ideas include using the man-made lake for ice skating during winter months, and possibly even building a boat ramp to allow fishing.

"We'll need to talk with the Department of Natural Resources to find out if we can stock the lake with trout," according to the project manager.

No pineapples under the sea were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.

Local Spice Dealer Gets Distributor of the Quarter Award

Spice seized by HPD in April 2015

HAGERSTOWN, MD - A local spice dealer received the "Distributor of the Quarter" award for 1Q 2015, awarded to him by the Colombian drug cartel which has been providing him shipments.

The spice dealer, who only wished to be known as "Jay", said he was quite pleased that he received this prestigious award.

"Man we really made some mad cash right after tax refunds came in. I mean we got so much money I could have been Scrooge McDuck and went swimming in it!"

Jay says he is a "street pharmacist", and frowns upon anyone calling him a drug dealer. He operates a mid-Atlantic distribution operation, using an undisclosed location in Hagerstown as his distribution center and warehouse. "Hagerstown is perfect for this, because I can access the highway and get to just about anywhere I need to in four hours or less."

Since April, Jay's business has slowed some. "I'm glad first quarter only includes through March, because that big bust in April really impacted my profits. I just hope my bros don't roll over on me," Jay said. In early April, Hagerstown Police seized 112 bags of Spice along with $1015.00 in cash, from a home on Jonathan Street.

When asked about the health effects of Spice, Jay seemed non-caring.  "It says right on the package that it's potpourri and not for human consumption. Not my fault if people are too stupid to pay attention to that!"

Spice is some nasty stuff and shouldn't be consumed by anyone. Please help spread awareness of its terrible health effects! The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.

Hagerstown Light Department Goes "Green" with North Potomac Street Facility

Site of the new power generation plant.
Photo by lcm1863. Copyright Info

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In a continuing effort to save the environment, the Hagerstown Light Department has switched from purchasing energy from outside entities to generating all power from a single location on North Potomac Street.

Hagerstown officials recently exhumed the body of founder Jonathan Hager, in order to attach magnets and wires.  He was then re-buried in the same location.

"We realized a while back that he was spinning in his grave, with all the crime, unemployment, and all the other problems Hagerstown currently has." said one Hagerstown official. "So then someone got the brilliant idea, why don't we hook up some magnets and wire, and harness that to generate electricity?"

The experiment has been a huge success. Hager has been spinning in his grave so quickly that the power output has greatly exceeded original estimates, providing enough electricity to power the entire city of Hagerstown.

"He must be really upset with how things are being run in this town. But the good news for us is, that just means cheaper electricity for everyone!" said the official.

City officials were originally considering a 5 cent tax increase, but partially due to the savings from this new power generation method, officials were able to reduce that tax increase to only 1.5 cents.

No graves were desecrated while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.

Exclusive - Hagerstown's Secret Mason Tunnels?

HAGERSTOWN, MD - About a year ago, Chris Abbott, who owns My Tech on the Dual Highway, posted photos from a supposed adventure into the hidden underground Mason tunnels which run through Hagerstown, and supposedly all the way under the Potomac into West Virginia.

Very little detail about these fabled tunnels actually exists. If these tunnels do exist, they were most likely sealed off from use decades if not centuries ago.  However, if they do exist, some remnants of the tunnels must remain.

Residents should be warned - exploring tunnels and caves can be extremely dangerous, even for expert "cave divers". By continuing to read this article, you agree you will not attempt to locate any entrances to these tunnels, nor will you attempt to explore these tunnels. The tunnels you are about to learn about, if they even exist, are in various states of decay, making them extremely dangerous. Furthermore, it's very easy to become lost in underground tunnels - even if you don't get trapped, you could potentially wander for days or weeks.

So without further delay, let's look at these mysterious tunnels which do not exist.

Local Radio Station for Helicopter, Fire, Ambulance, Police Now Available!

Photo by Cmglee.
Copyright Info

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Due to the large number of requests on social media, the Washington County government has launched a radio station providing 24/7 coverage of important issues such as "where is the helicopter going" or "why did I just see police speeding down the road".

82.5 FM, broadcasting under the call sign NWSY, will be a public service funded by a grant through the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA). In exchange, local government will provide FEMA information on all residents, including their name, address, income, and when they are normally away from home. FEMA promises this information will be stored securely in a database designed by the creators of healthcare.gov, and residents should not be concerned.

Never before have residents had the ability to instantly access information about what is happening in their community.

One local resident was excited by the news.  "I can't believe it, I won't have to go to Facebook groups anymore to try and find out what's going on. Now I can just turn on the radio and get instant information! This 21st century technology is amazing!"

Local area residents can access this information at any time through their car or personal radio by tuning to 82.5 FM.

No Snallygasters were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.

Fruitarians Protest Community Garden

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The community garden in Hagerstown met with some unexpected resistance today with Fruitarians protested the "unnecessary wholesale slaughter" of vegetables.

The group believes that plants, like animals, have feelings too, and that only fruit which "naturally falls from a tree or vine" should be eaten.

The leader of the group stated "when you eat a carrot or potato, don't you ever wonder where it came from? These poor, innocent plants were uprooted from the ground, then sliced and diced while still in a partially alive state."

As proof that plants are still alive on their way to the dinner table, the group offered instructional resources on how potatoes can re-grow in a cup of water.

Chanting "stalks up, don't chop!", the protesters remained outside the community garden for about an hour, until they realized just how hot it was outside.

"I could feel the sweat rolling off my forehead, and I just knew it was time to go home." said one protester.

The group plans to hold another protest in the fall, after the weather is "not so stinking hot", per the protest leader.

No potatoes were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.

Dead Voting Rights Act Veto: Local Residents Comment

Photo by Tom Arthur. Copyright Info 

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Governor Hogan's veto of the "Dead Voting Rights Act" has met mixed reaction with local residents.

The bipartisan bill, which Maryland Governor Hogan vetoed, was created to permanently legalize voting from beyond the grave.

One Hagerstown resident, who wished to remain anonymous, stated:

"The thought that this bill had bipartisan support is unreal. What politician in their right mind would want to allow unverifiable voting from someone who is six feet underground, and no longer has a pulse?"

However, not everyone in the area felt the bill was a bad idea. Small numbers of residents felt that not allowing the deceased to vote was discrimination based upon a medical condition.

Jonathan Hager, who founded Hagerstown and passed away in 1775, believed the bipartisanship of the bill showed how much our society has improved in equal rights.  "It's a commonly led misconception that the deceased only vote for Democrats. In the two hundred and forty years I've been gone, I've voted for just as many Republicans as I have Democrats."

Several local residents did express concern that despite the deceased voting still being illegal, that they'll continue to do so.

"I have no intention to stop voting," said Hager. "It was my right while I was alive, and it's still my right even though I'm deceased."

Eat recycled food. It's good for the environment, and okay for you. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.

City of Hagerstown Announces Downtown Rebuilding Plan

Image by Vitaly V. Kuzmin. Copyright Info.

The Hagerstown Report is proud to announce its inaugural article! Stay tuned because there's much more to come!

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Today the mayor and council announced their grand rebuilding plan, which will be contracted out to a Russian company and involve an 800 kiloton nuclear warhead.

Mayor Gysberts was previously quoted as saying that sometimes wishes his city had a war to clear out old buildings.

Through a partnership with a Russian defense contractor, the mayor can finally rebuild Hagerstown in his vision.

Strategically detonated, the 800 kiloton warhead would have the capability to remove completely all buildings within a 1.25 mile radius, as well as remove older homes within a 2.6 mile radius.

While residual radiation will last for several thousand years, lethal doses of radiation will be gone after only a few weeks, allowing construction crews to move in and begin clearing out the wreckage.

The time table for this rebuilding plan hasn't been formalized, but the mayor and council seem quite confident that this plan will be the most cost effective means of revitalizing downtown.

No animals were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.