Sunday, May 28, 2017

National Park Service to Remove Confederate Monuments from Battlefields

WASHINGTON, DC - Today the National Park Service announced it will be removing all confederate monuments from national battlefields, including Antietam and Gettysburg.

"These monuments honor rebels and traitors. The civil war was over 150 years ago, it's time that those supporting the confederacy move on." stated a NPS spokesperson, "Thanks to the generous donation of the President's salary, we have the funding to complete this important work."

The removal of the monuments is part of the NPS new "friendlier, more inclusive" approach to remodeling its parks in an effort to get families off their computers and smart phones, and back into open spaces. "We really feel that this extends an olive branch to the community that we're all one nation now, and we can move on from the past."

When asked about the usage of his salary to fund the removal of confederate monuments, the President stated "We will crush the rebellion with one swift stroke, and make America great again!"

The President then denied that his quote was stolen from a science fiction movie, and refused further comment.

Local residents in Sharpsburg, MD applauded the move. "Finally we can rewrite the history books and tell everyone that the civil war was a minor incursion, and that the United States swiftly crushed the rebellion." stated local resident Wilhuff Tarkin.

Since 1775, over 600,000 United States military members have died in combat. This Memorial Day, please remember them. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

High Rock to be renamed "Little Rushmore", Featuring $1.2M Harambe Sculpture

Artist's concept of the Harambe sculpture.
SMITHSBURG, MD - Today the Washington County Commissioners approved a measure to rename High Rock to "Little Rushmore", and add a sculpture of "Harambe", the ape killed at the Cincinnati zoo for $1.2 Million.

"We're estimating over $2 million in revenue from speed cams in Washington County, so we figured we should give part of that back to the community" stated a county representative.

The same artist who convinced the City of Hagerstown to spend $100,000 on a racist hate-filled cave drawing along the culture trail, will also create this new sculpture.

"This area keeps giving me more and more money and I love it! P.T. Barnum was right!" exclaimed the artist.

Work on the Harambe sculpture will take place this summer, starting July 5th.

Probably would still attract more visitors than a pile of rocks or a culture trail. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Friday, May 5, 2017

Hagerstown Culture Trail Mural Contains Hidden Hate Symbols???

Click to Enlarge
HAGERSTOWN, MD - A mural along the Hagerstown culture trail may contain hidden hate symbols, much to the horror of local residents and city officials.

The "Mural of Unusual Size" is in fact completely riddled with hidden hate symbols against minorities and women. City officials have no idea what to do next, as the mural cost the taxpayers $100,000 as a commission fee to the artist.

Some of the more obvious hate symbol features of the mural include...

  • An abstract illustration of a hand holding a phallic symbol. This is a symbol often used as a micro-aggression against women and feminists.
  • An abstract illustration of Pepe the Frog, a popular Internet meme used by white supremacists, especially those of the alt-right and anti-Semitic groups.
  • An abstract, backwards illustration of "WPWW", which is a hate symbol abbreviation for "White Pride World Wide".

However, further digging into the mural has discovered even deeper, darker meaning. The mural is painted on the building at 88 Lee Street. The number 88 is actually a numerical symbol used by Nazis. Even worse yet, the mural has been divided into precisely 14 different sections, yet another white supremacist symbol for "14 words". Finally, it is believed that the title of the artwork itself, "Mural of Unusual Size", may be a reference to "unusually large phallic objects".

For your reference, The Hagerstown Report has provided a visual breakdown of the mural. Click on the image to enlarge.

Harambe would be proud of this phallic display. The Hagerstown Report is satire.