Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Local Defense Attorney Pioneers "Dr. Phil" Defense Strategy

BALTIMORE, MD - Today in Baltimore at a hearing for removal of a Washington County Board of Education member, a Western Maryland defense attorney pioneered a new defense strategy - the Dr. Phil defense. In this groundbreaking defense, the defendant feigns ignorance and simply claims that all words or actions were inspired by the Dr. Phil show.

In today's defense, it was claimed that local elected officials can be easily influenced by topics on TV shows. Hopefully, none of our officials watch The Hunger Games (or maybe we'd be better off?) While this newest spin on the Chewbacca defense did not work, it sets new ground for further usage of this strategy. Imagine when bank robbers can simply claim they were trying to raise money for a single mom they saw on the show, or similar circumstances!

To further expand on this concept, perhaps there should be shows which are required viewing for our elected officials. We at The Hagerstown Report have taken the liberty of writing a list of possible shows for other elected officials here in Washington County, in order to help them become better public servants.

  • Washington County Sheriff - The X-Files. What better show to help our top law enforcement officer solve crimes than two of the greatest investigators of all time, Mulder and Scully?
  • Mayor of Hagerstown - Independence Day. When your citycountry is in ruin, what better movie to inspire a strong leader than a movie about fighting till your last breath to keep your citycountry out of the hands of illegal alien invaders?
  • Board of Education - American Pie. There's not better way to get in touch with your students and understand them than this coming-of-age movie. After all, who doesn't enjoy a warm apple pie?
  • State Representative/Senate - The Empire Strikes Back. Because even if you win small victories like blowing up the Death Star, in the end the Democratic Empire is going to cut off your hand.
  • Congressional Representative - We didn't bother picking a movie for this one, because let's face it, our district is so gerrymandered that John Delaney can keep the seat for as long as he wants.

No pies were ruined by elected officials while writing this article, and we'll just tell their mothers we ate it all. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Controversial "Bum Fights Club" TV Show Comes to Hagerstown

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Much like the controversial "Amish Rake Fights" in Lancaster, PA, a new form of entertainment is hitting the streets (literally) across small towns in the greater DC area - the "Bum Fights Club".

In this questionably legal sport, spectators gather around while a reality TV show films two homeless residents who have volunteered to fight each other for a $1,000 prize. The locations of the fights are kept secret as to avoid attracting the attention of law enforcement, and only a handful of selected residents are informed where the fight will be, so that they can bid on the winner.

"It really gives the homeless a chance to pull themselves out of their situation," stated the show's producer, "and at the same time it makes for amazing reality TV!"

The twelve episode show will air on cable television later this fall, and include cities from the greater DC area including:

  • Hagerstown, MD
  • Baltimore, MD
  • Martinsburg, WV
  • Laurel, MD
  • Fairfax, VA
  • Gaithersburg, MD
Participants are provided all safety equipment used by professional boxers, and must follow strict professional boxing rules.

Residents are encouraged that, should they happen upon the show during filming, to place small monetary bids on the winner. The loser of the fight will receive fifty percent of the pot collected, to help pay for medical bills.

Who would win, a homeless street fighter or an Amish rake fighter? The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Children Pose with Alligator on Opening Day for Hagerstown Baseball Team

HAGERSTOWN, MD - It was an evening of fun for all, including local children who got the opportunity to pose with the new team mascot, Ally the Alligator.

Friday the newly renamed Hagerstown Gators baseball team lost 11 to 1 against Ashville, but the kids didn't mind the loss, as they still had a lot of fun.

"She's really friendly!" stated one child who was initially afraid of sitting on the team mascot, "she only snapped at me once, but I know she didn't really mean it!"

Ally the Alligator was previously at Hagerstown City Park to help with geese population control. However, with the dredging of city park, Ally was replaced with live piranhas, which, like Ally, have been specially trained to only eat geese.

The next Hagerstown Gators baseball game will be held at home, at 4:05 PM Eastern.

Fans can purchase Hagerstown Gators baseball souvenirs at the website!

No liability insurance agents had a heart attack while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Saturday, April 1, 2017

The Hagerstown Report Purchased: Will Report Factual News Only

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The Hagerstown Report is happy to announce that it has been purchased by a local newspaper, and will begin reporting factual news stories instead of satire.

The purchase terms have not been officially disclosed, but we're excited to announce that a local newspaper saw the value that The Hagerstown Report brand provides, and that the major newspaper is actually purchasing this site in order to use the name for their own local paper.

You will see the changes take place slowly over the next few weeks, as content at this newspaper's website is migrated to ours.

We look forward to becoming the most trusted name in local news for Hagerstown and Washington County, and see many more years of serving the community!

No editors became rich while writing this article. April fools. The Hagerstown Report is and always will be satire.