Local business owner Chris Abbott, who owns My Tech computer services on Dual Highway in Hagerstown, volunteered to perform forensic analysis of the server free of charge, as a service to his country.
Unfortunately, analysis of the server indicates some of the emails will be completely irretrievable.
"You see, sometimes email servers can be used for multiple domains. Not only did this email server host clintonfoundation.org, but it also hosted several other sites being operated by the Clintons." according to Abbott.
When asked to elaborate, Abbott was a bit hesitant at first to discuss what else was hosted on the server. "Well, I can't get into too many details, but unfortunately most of Hillary's emails were overwritten by emails for another site called Slick Willy's Dating Service. These were rather, um, large emails, and took up a lot of space, overwriting other emails on the server."
After going into some technical details our reporter simply didn't understand, Abbott finally simplified things. "So, these emails, which were all addressed to bill@slickwillysdating.net, they contained a lot of porn. We're not just talking regular porn, we're talking BDSM, with chains, whips, that sort of thing. These emails had very large images and videos attached, and it overwrote everything else on the email server."
Abbott was successful in retrieving some of Hillary's more recent emails, and will be passing them on to the State Department for release under FOIA.
No artificial life forms were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.
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