Hagerstown to Attach Ribbons to Speed Cam Tickets for Holidays

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In celebration of the holidays, the City of Hagerstown has announced that between now and January 1, 2024, the city will attach holiday ribbons to speed cam tickets, as a festive "thank you" for out of town visitors for helping fund the local police department.

"We believe the ribbons will put out of state visitors in the holiday spirit, so that they'll be more willing to pay the speed cam ticket, and encourage them to come back to visit again."

Out of state visitors not paying speed cam tickets is a serious problem for the City of Hagerstown. In 2017, it was reported that there were $1.5 Million in unpaid tickets outstanding.

In addition to the holiday ribbon, each city council member will take turns creating hand-written thank you notes to those receiving speed cam tickets over the holidays. These notes will really tug at the heart strings, similar to the SPCA commercials which tell you about how your donation will help save abused animals.

Washington County Government is planning to implement a similar campaign with their own speed cam tickets, but with a different twist. The handwritten thank you notes will inform the receiver of the county's upcoming financial crisis, and that all donations ticket fines will be used to create a defense fund for ongoing sexual harassment suits against former County Commissioners.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from The Hagerstown Report.  This article is satire, for now anyway.

Cloned T-Rex Terrorizes New Years Celebration

HAGERSTOWN, MD - A cloned T-Rex inspired by the techniques used in Jurassic Park escaped from the basement cloning facility of the Discovery Station, and began terrorizing the city today. While authorities spent most of the day searching for the T-Rex, which is named "Tessy", the T-Rex found them today as it sought to get a taste of the giant donut being used in the New Years Eve Donut Drop.

Tessy was cloned in the basement laboratory of the Discovery Station by local mad scientist Brittany Wedd in a program designed to help control the geese population in City Park. She has been trained to only eat geese, but further research has uncovered that Wedd was feeding Tessy Krumpe's Donuts as a "treat" for good behavior. As a result, Tessy has developed a sweet tooth, and sought to get a taste of the giant donut dropped on New Years Eve in Hagerstown.

Fortunately after attempting to bite the giant donut, the lights surrounding the donut briefly shocked Tessy, allowing authorities to subdue her. She is being transported to a secure location near Hagerstown City Park where she will be provided medical care, and evaluated if she is still fit to help control City Park's geese population.

Unfortunately for many Hagerstown residents, unless they took out the optional "Dinosaur Protection" rider on their home insurance or car insurance policies, any damage caused by Tessy will not be covered.

I'll be vacationing on Isla Nublar this summer. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Hagerstown Do-nut Drop Draws Attention of PETA!?!

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The annual New Years "do-nut drop" may not go according to plan, if the current flavor do-nut is used.

This year's do-nut is banana flavored. Everyone seemed to think this was a great idea, until a local animal rights organization mentioned that a giant ape may find the do-nut appealing, and possibly crash the party. Since giant apes are endangered species, Hagerstown would be helpless to stop it.

"It's a worst case scenario", stated one city council member who wished to remain anonymous. "If a giant ape decides to crash the party, we're done for. He'll find the tallest building in Hagerstown, and start munching on his do-nut. Our hands are really tied due to Maryland's environmental regulations. Our only option at this point is to change the do-nut flavor."

A giant ape in New York City, 2005

Upon hearing that the city was considering changing the flavor of the do-nut, a PETA spokesperson provided the following statement, "We at PETA believe that giant apes have a right to feed and take up residence in tall buildings. I'm sure everyone has seen Peter Jackson's documentary on what happens if a local government doesn't give such an animal the necessary space. If the City of Hagerstown changes the do-nut flavor and deprives the ape its food, we will be forced to file suit in Federal court."

Rhedosaurus in New York City, 1997

PETA made similar threats to the city of New York in 1997 when special lights in the New Years Eve ball ran the risk of attracting a Rhedosaurus. New York City took these threats seriously, and allowed the Rhedosaurus to roam free in New York on New Years Eve.

A video of the incident is available on YouTube.

No extinct or mythical creatures were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.