Poison Dart Frogs Accidentally Released at Hagerstown City Park

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Due to a shipping mistake, the city council's attempt to beautify Hagerstown City Park has introduced an unexpected species into the park - the poison dart frog.

It all seemed like a well-intentioned plan. The native frog population in Hagerstown City Park has been dwindling for years, to the point that only two native frogs remain. To correct this issue, the Hagerstown City Council approved a plan which introduced fifty frogs of the same species native to Hagerstown into the park to repopulate the species.

Unfortunately, the vendor which won the frog importation contract mixed up the order with an order for a research laboratory in Hagerstown, Indiana. When city officials opened the boxes to release our new froggy friends, they were horrified to immediately notice the wrong frogs had been provided.

Poison dart frogs are one of the most poisonous species on the planet, and even their skin is toxic to humans and other animals.

Visitors to City Park are asked not to pickup any brightly colored frogs in the area, and should also watch above their heads in trees for the frogs. The Maryland Department of the Environment has dispatched a cleanup crew who are treating the frogs as an invasive species, and working to capture and relocate them accordingly. As long as visitors keep their distance, the frogs will not be dangerous.

Under no circumstances should residents take the frogs home for domestication or usage as cooking ingredients.

Also, please do not attempt to feed the frogs.

Ms. Piggy was not amused. The Hagerstown Report is Satire.

Park Lake, Local Pools May Turn Blood Red Due to Sahara Dust Cloud

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The Hagerstown City Park lake as well as local pools may turn blood red due to the approaching Sahara Dust Cloud. Residents should not be alarmed, as the water will still be safe.

The dust cloud, made mostly of ferrous and sand material, traveled across the Atlantic ocean and is expected to enter the jetstream this weekend, and arrive in the Hagerstown area between Wednesday and Friday. Heavier ferrous material will be deposited within local waterways, and begin to rust. Normally for most waterways, the ferrous material will be carried away to the bay and eventually ocean, dispersing before they can start to accumulate noticeable discoloration.

Photo of City Park after the 1972 Sahara Dust Storm

The last time this occurred was in 1972 when a major drought in the Sahara desert resulted in turning the city park lake a bright red for approximately 45 minutes. Afterwards, the ferrous material started to dissipate and the lake returned to its normal color.

Residents are encouraged to take photos should this phenomenon occur, and not panic. The change in color is natural, and has nothing to do with recent violence in the city. The red color will be rust, not blood, and has nothing to do with the statistic that in 2019 that 6.44 out of 1,000 residents were a victim of violent crime, which is higher than the national average of 4 out of 1,000, and is only safer than 11% of all cities in the United States.

If you'd like to witness this phenomenon firsthand, the city park lake is expected to turn red on Friday July 3 at 4:52 pm, give or take twenty minutes. If you capture a photo of this amazing natural wonder, please post it to our Facebook!

Sadly the only real part of this article are the crime statistics. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Migratory Lake Dolphins Return to Hagerstown City Park

HAGERSTOWN, MD - After nearly a century, accompanied by the successful return of dolphins to the Potomac River thanks to cleaner waters, migratory lake dolphins have begun to swim up the Potomac's creeks and streams and return to local freshwater lakes. The first of the dolphins arrived this week during an unusual January warm spell.

The dolphins will take refuge near the warmer bottom of the lake during cold periods until spring.

"So far the alligator doesn't seem bothered by them" stated a City of Hagerstown official, "she is after all trained to only eat geese."

However, many of the other wildlife in City Park, including the resident ducks and geese, seemed agitated at the presence of their new amphibious mammal friends. Most of the animals are now proceeding to shallower parts of the park lake, where the dolphins can't swim.

In the spring, the City will host a "welcome home" event for the dolphins. The event, sponsored by Starkist, will give all attendees "mostly dolphin free" canned tuna as part of the celebration.

What's that girl? Timmy fell down the well? Whatever, you're a dolphin not a border collie. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

City Park to host First Annual Turkey Drop this Weekend

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Twenty lucky families will walk away from Hagerstown City Park this Sunday with a free turkey. All they have to do is catch it as it flies out of a helicopter.

A chartered helicopter will make four trips between City Park and Hagerstown Airport. On each trip, five live turkeys will be released out the side of the helicopter. The turkeys will then fly down to the park below, and the first families to catch them get to take the turkey home for Thanksgiving dinner!

All twenty turkeys are farm raised here in Washington County, with no hormones and eating a GMO free, gluten free, organic vegan diet.

The Turkey Drop will begin at noon this Sunday, and last until all twenty turkeys have been caught.

Residents are asked not to allow children under 12 to participate, as they could be injured by the flying turkey.

As God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly! We miss WKRP. The Hagerstown Report is Satire.

Hagerstown "Jumps the Shark" With Newest Park Addition

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In order to attract more visitors to Hagerstown City Park, the city council approved a plan to add a new attraction to City Park lake - a live shark.

In a 4 to 1 vote, the city council approved the purchase of a Speartooth Shark, one of only a few species capable of living in fresh water. The shark, which is being named "Lizzy" in honor of Jonathan Hager's wife Elizabeth, will take residence in City Park lake starting Monday, June 10.

Lizzy is a specially trained shark, and is completely docile. She will only feed on carp in the city park lake, leaving other wildlife alone, such as Ally, the alligator responsible for city park geese population control. "We believe this newest attraction, a living piece of art, will bring more visitors to Hagerstown City Park and the cultural trail."

Residents are encouraged not to make any sudden splashing movements if they fall into the lake, as Lizzy may mistake them for a carp. Signs have been ordered which will encourage visitors to pet the shark, should she come close to the edge of the lake.

Lizzy will be officially introduced to the community during the upcoming Flag Day celebration, and children will be encouraged to enter the water with her to post for a photo. Residents interested should RSVP on the City of Hagerstown's Facebook Event.

We at The Hagerstown Report look forward to many more events featuring Lizzy and Ally!

No carp bit the big one while writing this story. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Hagerstown Dinosaur Geneticist Nominated to head US Space Force

HAGERSTOWN, MD - With the announcement by President Donald Trump regarding the formation of the US Space Force, the President has selected local Dinosaur Geneticist Brittany Wedd to head the new branch of the Armed Forces.

"We're going to make space great again!" exclaimed the president, as he signed the executive order exempting Wedd from military service in order to have her run the new branch. "We're going to do SCIENCE, only the best SCIENCE. And we're going to make Mars pay for it!".  Trump then said the word SCIENCE several more times, for emphasis.

When asked regarding Wedd's qualifications, Trump spoke highly of her ability to "science anything", and how "she does a lot of science, so she must know a lot of science, plus I hear she's really good at managing the social media for the local science museum."

Wedd has recently come under investigation regarding her role in the "Jurassic Parkgate", specifically the rumors that she has been cloning dinosaurs in her lab underneath the Discovery Station.

According to Wedd, her process involves splicing the genes of dinosaurs with the genes of Ally the Alligator from city park.  The resulting dinosaurs will only attack geese, and leave humans and other animals alone.

The first of her experimental dinosaurs, a T-Rex, was placed in city park earlier this year, after a brief incident regarding the New Years Eve do-nut drop. Wedd will continue her dinosaur cloning experiments until US Space Force is officially up and running.

No phallic shaped rockets were launched into space while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

City Asks Residents Not to Eat Pod Sculpture

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Amid the "Tide Pod" craze, the Hagerstown City Council has encountered an unusual problem - Tide Pod addicts attempting to eat the granite sculpture "Pod" in City Park, after a prankster keeps dying the sculpture orange and blue.

"Apparently someone thought it it would be funny to make the Pod look like a Tide Pod" said one of the city council members, "they're using water-soluble dye so it washes off without damaging the Pod, but after we clean it off someone sneaks back in that night and colors it all over again."

So far Hagerstown police have caught three people attempting to "take a bite" of the sculpture before the coloring is removed. The city warns that attempting to take a bite of the Pod could result in severe dental damage.

If you have any tips on who keeps changing the colors of Pod, please contact the City Park staff.

No sculptures changed colors while writing this article. The Hagerstown report is satire.

Hagerstown Resident Advisory: City Park Piranhas in Water Supply

HAGERSTOWN, MD - An accidental water main connection reversal valve has possibly released piranhas from City Park lake into the municipal water supply.

Early this morning a construction crew accidentally connected a water main over-pressurization valve backwards, allowing some piranhas to enter the city's water supply. Stocking of the lake with piranhas to address the park's geese population started in January of this year as part of the lake dredging project.

Residents are reminded that the piranhas have been trained to only eat geese, but several cautionary steps should be taken to avoid injury.

1. When filling the bath tub for children, do not allow them to splash or scream. This activity may be mistaken for a goose, and attract a piranha into the bathtub.
2. Examine dish water or water drawn for cooking carefully. Piranhas may feel threatened if poured into an enclosed space such as a sink or cooking pot.
3. Should you discover a piranha in your water, please do not harm it. Instead, carefully pick up the piranha with your bare hand (piranhas do not like rubber gloves) and place the piranha in a 5 gallon bucket filled with water. Please return the piranha to city park lake where it belongs.

City officials have not yet determined how many piranhas have escaped the lake, but assure residents that should the lake not have enough piranhas, Ally the Alligator may take a brief hiatus as the Suns' new mascot and return to the lake.

Piranhas escaping City Park lake would really bite. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

City Park Piranha Project on Schedule

Signs to be posted in City Park

HAGERSTOWN, MD - As previously reported, the project to stock City Park with piranhas is going according to plan, according to city representatives. The piranhas will be used to control the park's geese population, as well as provide a more exotic tourist attraction.

So far, approximately half of the carp have been replaced with the carnivorous fish, which have been specially trained to only eat geese.

"We will be the first park in the country to stock our park's lake with piranhas!" stated a city council member, "Just think of the tourism draw this will create!"

While the piranhas have been trained to only eat geese, small children should not splash or cry if they fall in the lake, or they may be mistaken for a goose.

The current target completion date is February 10, 2017, when approximately 75% of the lake will be piranhas. It is believed that the remaining carp will eventually be removed by "natural forces".

Signs will be posted next week telling visitors that the piranhas are friendly, but warning not to splash or make noise if you should fall in.

The carp that have been replaced during dredging are being taken to Washington County landfill, where they will be disposed of humanely.

Residents are encouraged to visit City Park and take pictures of the piranhas, but please, no swimming.

Piranhas would really take a bite out of our geese population problems. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Top 8 Unusual Items Found During City Park Dredging

Copyright Info

HAGERSTOWN, MD - You won't believe what was found during dredging of City Park lake!

As previously reported, the City of Hagerstown is currently dredging the lake at City Park.

During the dredging of approximately 18,000 cubic yards of sediment on the bottom of the lake, the company contracted to do the dredging has made some rather unusual finds.

City Park to be Stocked with Piranhas to Control Geese Population???

Photo by Andrewself

HAGERSTOWN, MD - As dredging of City Park lake begins next week, Hagerstown City Council has begun discussing the future of the lake.

"Since most of the carp will be killed during dredging, we've decided to stock the lake with something a bit more exotic." stated one council member.

Hagerstown City Park has long had a problem with geese overpopulation, but the plan for the lake after dredging solves the problem, as well as increases tourism possibilities.

Instead of re-stocking the lake with carp, the city will stock the lake with Brazilian piranhas, the most aggressive of the species.

"We're working with the same wildlife company which sold us the city park alligator." stated a council member, "Much like Ally, these piranhas will be specially trained to only eat geese."

The city considered putting up warning signs regarding the piranhas, but decided it could negatively impact tourism. Instead, signs will be posted inviting visitors to take pictures of the "friendly, smiling piranhas", with small disclaimers that small children should not splash or cry if they fall in the lake, or they may be mistaken for a goose. According to the Hagerstown city attorney, this disclaimer should be sufficient to release the city of any liability.

As for Ally the alligator, she is being taken to Hagerstown Suns stadium, for their renaming to the Hagerstown Gators, and will become their new mascot. Ally will be taken around the stadium on a leash during games, and children will be encouraged to pose with Ally for photographs.

"This is an exciting time for the city!" stated a council member. "People will flock far and wide to come see the lake stocked with trained piranhas!"

If you think the alligator was crazy, wait till the piranhas find their way into the city water supply. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

BREAKING: Alligator Safely Returned to City Park

Ally with one of her handlers.

HAGERSTOWN, MD - After two days, and a foot chase through a thunderstorm, Ally the alligator is safely back in City Park.

Former Mayor Bob Bruchey single-handedly chased Ally as she dashed across a semi-flooded Suns Stadium and rescued her from her lost and confused journey around Hagerstown.

"We're sure glad she's safe and back here with us!" stated one of Ally's handlers. "We were absolutely amazed that none of our city cameras could locate her. We've got camera technology that can read a license plate from 200 yards at 50 MPH, but it can't find a giant alligator moving at 5 MPH."

Ally will spend tonight in her normal winter location until examined by a veterinarian. She will then be returned to City Park to control the geese population.

A special thanks to all of the Hagerstown residents who called to report where Ally was spotted, and ensuring no harm came to her.

In related news, the City of Hagerstown will soon be accepting bids on bringing a male alligator to mate with Ally. Offspring will be trained to only eat geese as well, then sold to other municipalities.

The City of Hagerstown estimates that this "All natural geese control" program will ultimately replace the dying speed camera revenue, since Hagerstown residents have figured out to slow down when passing the large metal boxes, and speed back up once out of sight of the camera.

Bruchey poses after rescuing the alligator

Do you know the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? Neither do we. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Hagerstown Alligator Escapes on First Day Back at City Park

UPDATE: The Alligator has been safely returned to City Park.

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Ally the Alligator, who was purchased by the City of Hagerstown and placed in City Park to control the geese population, escaped on her first day back in the park this year.

The town council decided to wait for the first day of summer to release Ally back into City Park, because they needed to make sure the water was warm enough for her.

"She's been cooped up in a heated shack for most of the winter, and I guess she needed to stretch her legs." stated one city official.

Residents are once again reminded that should they encounter the alligator, under no circumstances should you make any honking noise, or she may mistake you for a goose. Ally is trained to only eat geese.

Ally was last seen by the McDonalds at Long Meadow. If you see Ally, please do not approach her, but contact the town hall so that they may pick her up.

Additionally, should you see Ally, please keep your pets inside.

Ally the Alligator is the gift that just keeps on giving, eventually we'll have a sports team "The Hagerstown Gators".  The Hagerstown Report is satire.

You Won't Believe What Is In City Park Lake!

Sonar image of City Park lake

HAGERSTOWN, MD - During initial surveys of City Park lake, in preparation for upcoming dredging, workers were quite surprised to discover an anomaly in the sonar scans.

"We kind of suspected there was something unusual when Ally the alligator was acting strange. There was one area of the lake she just absolutely wouldn't swim near. We thought maybe it was just trash, or maybe some sort of underwater pollution. But we never expected this!"

Ally the alligator was purchased by the city for geese population control, and will return to City Park lake this spring. For now, she is comfortably resting in a heated environment inside the old Sears building at Long Meadow, and occasionally taken to the YMCA to "stretch her legs".

Sonar scans discovered a 50 meter, or 164 foot, wide metal circle in one corner of the lake.

Officials are quite puzzled what the circle could be. Visual inspections confirmed the object is made of metal, but most of the object is buried beneath silt.

"It's going to make excavation difficult. We can't simply dredge out the object using normal methods, it will have to be completely excavated by hand."

Much speculation exists around what the object could be. While many are saying the object is "simply a piece of debris left over from construction of the park", there are a few who suspect the object may be a crashed UFO.

"If there are any aliens inside, they are here illegally, and must be deported immediately! We have no screening process in place, and for all we know they could be terrorists!" stated one local resident.

However, another local resident felt differently, "We should welcome these alien refugees, and not give in to fear. Undoubtedly the government will be able to screen them to verify they're not a threat."

No extra-terrestrials were trapped underwater while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

You won't believe why Hagerstown put an alligator in City Park!

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The mystery surrounding the "Hub City Lake Monster" has finally been revealed.

An anonymous source at the City of Hagerstown has revealed to the Hagerstown Report that the monster is, in fact, an alligator.

"We realized the goose population was starting to get out of control, so we brought in an alligator and let nature take its course" according to the anonymous source.

The alligator, named "Ally", is approximately 8 feet long, and a fully grown female. She has been trained to only eat the geese, and so far only one city employee, who is now nicknamed "Stubby", has been injured while working with her.

"She's a really good girl. We got her from the swamps of Florida. During mating season we're going to bring in a male, start raising baby alligators, and selling them to other cities with goose population concerns. We're estimating it will bring in even more money than the speed camera program!"

Hagerstown residents should be aware that the alligator is perfectly safe around visitors to the park. More people have been assaulted in Hagerstown this year than the alligator has eaten.

No city employees were dismembered while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire web site.