ADL Removes Swastika from Hate Symbol List in Response to Biden Speech

Screenshot of the ADL announcement

In response to the increasing popularity of President Biden, as well as per his suggestion to the ADL, certain hate symbols such as the swastika have been removed from the ADL Hate Symbol database. Insiders at the White House have indicated this is in support of future Biden speeches which plan to use similar imagery, and the ADL does not want them confused with actual hate symbols.

"Swastikas and other symbols are still hate symbols, but we want to ensure that there is no chance for the dangerous MAGA Republicans to use the ADL hate symbol database to further compare Biden to Hitler" stated a representative from the ADL.

The changes to the ADL hate symbol database will take place shortly before midterm elections, where President Biden plans to give a powerful speech on why MAGA Republicans are dangerous to society, and outline his plan to place them in detention camps. This speech will coincide with the release of Biden's new book "My Struggle", which outlines his battles with "Corn Pop" as a youth, and goes on to further describe MAGA Republicans as greedy and the cause of all of the United States' problems. 

In unrelated news, the White House announced confusion when receiving a call from France stating that they immediately surrender to the United States. The United States is not currently at war with France, only its own people.

Last time we posted a satire article about the ADL they tried to fact check us into oblivion. It's possible this might be the last time we ever get to post, so if you're reading this, thanks for all the fish. The Hagerstown Report is satire. This post is satire. Our country appears to currently be satire. Not sure if we should laugh or cry.

WashCo Tech High School to Include new "Adult Entertainer" Career Classes

HAGERSTOWN, MD - With the increased availability and viability of adult entertainment services such as PornHub and OnlyFans, WCPS has announced that Washington County Technical High School will begin offering a new career path this fall geared towards the adult entertainment industry. These hands-on classes will provide students of male, female, and non-binary genders the experience needed to prepare themselves for a profitable career in adult entertainment.

"There's a lot more to adult entertainment than just shaking your booty and convincing people to subscribe to your OnlyFans," stated a school board representative, "students must learn accounting, profit/loss margins, filmography, lighting, script writing, and more."

The new curriculum for this career path was provided by the school board through President Biden's reforms of the Department of Education. These reforms include more diverse instructive activities geared towards students entering specialized trades instead of college, as well as acceptive inclusivity in workforce preparedness.

Topics include, but are not limited to:

• Adult Filmography and getting the "Money Shot"
• Profitable foot fetishes
• Challenging your sexuality for more fans
• Teacher kinks, and why age gaps can lead to massive profits
• Protecting yourself from Monkeypox while making that "Money Shot"

So far twelve students from across the county have signed up for this exciting new program. Additionally, thanks to new regulations introduced by the Department of Education, to protect student privacy parents will not be aware their students have signed up for these classes, and will instead be informed the students are taking classes such as plumbing or cosmetology.

The school board assures that all teachers will conduct themselves in a professional manner while teaching these classes, and is also happy to announce that one-on-one private after-school tutoring sessions will also be available to students looking to get extra credit.

No parents had heart attacks while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire. Also, we apologize to Erin in advance for any phone calls relating to this article.