Hagerstown to Attach Ribbons to Speed Cam Tickets for Holidays

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In celebration of the holidays, the City of Hagerstown has announced that between now and January 1, 2024, the city will attach holiday ribbons to speed cam tickets, as a festive "thank you" for out of town visitors for helping fund the local police department.

"We believe the ribbons will put out of state visitors in the holiday spirit, so that they'll be more willing to pay the speed cam ticket, and encourage them to come back to visit again."

Out of state visitors not paying speed cam tickets is a serious problem for the City of Hagerstown. In 2017, it was reported that there were $1.5 Million in unpaid tickets outstanding.

In addition to the holiday ribbon, each city council member will take turns creating hand-written thank you notes to those receiving speed cam tickets over the holidays. These notes will really tug at the heart strings, similar to the SPCA commercials which tell you about how your donation will help save abused animals.

Washington County Government is planning to implement a similar campaign with their own speed cam tickets, but with a different twist. The handwritten thank you notes will inform the receiver of the county's upcoming financial crisis, and that all donations ticket fines will be used to create a defense fund for ongoing sexual harassment suits against former County Commissioners.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from The Hagerstown Report.  This article is satire, for now anyway.

Hagerstown to Include Pride Ribbon for Out-of-town Speed Cam Tickets in June

HAGERSTOWN, MD - As part of an ongoing effort to increase tourism to Hagerstown and Washington County, the City of Hagerstown will be mailing out free Pride ribbons with out-of-town speed camera tickets during the month of June.

"We're extremely excited to leverage speed camera tickets as a means of advertising the great things our city is doing!" said a representative from Hagerstown.

Costing only $50 for each ribbon mailed out, once the recipient pays their speeding ticket the net cost of the ribbons is only $10. Fortunately 50% of that cost is covered through a state tourism grant, bringing the final cost to only $5 per ribbon.

When asked about the idea behind this new campaign, a representative from the City of Hagerstown stated that "the real inspiration was all of the corporations who change their logos to rainbows during June. We thought we're already contacting these out-of-town visitors to get them to pay a speed camera fine, why not give them motivation to come back by giving them free stuff? If they come back and get another speed cam ticket, we'll even send them another ribbon to share with family and friends!"

Some local residents were disappointed in the program. "Where's my free ribbon?" asked one resident, "I don't own a car, but if the city is giving out free stuff I want one too!"

No crazy tourism programs were implemented while writing this article. At least, we hope not. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

A-10 Warthog to Stop Dirt Bikes in Hagerstown

HAGERSTOWN, MD - During today's City Council meeting, the Mayor and Council announced that an A-10 Thunderbolt II, also known as the Warthog, is being purchased by the City to stop the dangerous dirt bike riders the city has seen increase as the weather has become warmer. All of the A-10 Warthogs were built by Fairchild locally in Hagerstown during the 1970's and 1980's.

"The Air National Guard is giving us a great discount," stated a city representative, "normally these cost around 11 million, but we're only spending 5 million."

Every summer the City of Hagerstown has to deal with illegal dirt bikes riding on city streets, and even sidewalks. This year a rider received permanent brain damage due to an accident.

"Our no-chase policy makes it very difficult to stop the dirt bikes, but with the A-10 Warthog we can stop the dirt bike riders once and for all without endangering the safety of any innocent bystanders" stated a representative for the Hagerstown Police Department.

The Hagerstown City Council voted 3 to 2 to approve the purchase of the A-10 as well as approve an ordinance allowing close air support operations for Hagerstown Police Department. The A-10 will be stationed out of Hagerstown Airport, and armed with a 30mm GAU-8 Avenger rotary cannon, capable of eliminating 3,900 dirt bikes per minute.

"This is a really exciting time for Hagerstown! Not only is one of our A-10's coming home to stay, but it's filling an important law enforcement role!" stated a city representative.

The A-10 Warthog will be patrolling Hagerstown's skies starting June 1, 2021.

No illegal dirt bike riders were turned into a cloud of smoke while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

HCC Technical Innovation Center Closed in May 2020 Due to Atomic Accident

HAGERSTOWN, MD - New information has come to light surrounding the sudden closure of Hagerstown Community College's Technical Innovation Center. A student led project on building miniature cold fusion breeder reactors accidentally contaminated the entire building with omega particles.

Omega particles are a highly unstable and short lived molecule which are theorized to have existed in nature at the instant of the Big Bang. It is suspected that this dangerous particle was responsible for the destruction of the remote Lantaru research facility.

Lost RACIST Confederate Treasure In Pangborn Park Lake?

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The real reason for draining and dredging Pangborn Park Lake may have been accidentally stumbled upon by a local twelve year old boy. "Timmy" who lives nearby, was walking past the lake when he noticed something shiny near the edge. Upon picking it up, the object turned out to be a gold coin from 1860. This confused local historians, as Pangborn Park lake was not built until the 1930's, so there's no way someone could have simply thrown the coin into the lake.

One historian had a theory that this may be part of the lost treasure from the ransom of Hagerstown in 1864. For those not familiar, in July of 1864 the RACIST Confederate Army demanded a ransom of $20,000 as well as 1,500 sets of clothing or they would burn the City of Hagerstown. With the aid of the Hagerstown Bank, the city was able to raise the ransom demand in coins and paper money, and prevent the burning of the town.

Hagerstown Restaurants to Install Retractable Roofs to Bypass COVID Requirements

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Several downtown Hagerstown restaurants have found a creative way of getting around COVID restrictions. By installing retractable roofs over their dining area, what was once indoor dining can now be reclassified as outdoor dining.

"It turns out that being considered "indoors" vs "outdoors" is just a matter of if the roof is permanent. We don't actually even need to have the roof open to be considered outdoors - we just need to prove that the roof can be removed.

State officials are scrambling to figure out what can be done to prevent small businesses from using this loophole. "These restrictions were specifically designed to destroy small businesses, so that more people will rely on government aid. By bypassing these restrictions, they're endangering our future careers as politicians, and that's unacceptable." stated one member of Governor Hogan's staff and upcoming 2024 Hogan for President campaign advisor.

Unlike previous retractable roof systems, which involved many moving parts and were extremely expensive, the new improved retractable systems were inspired by the retractable roof installed on Heinz Field for the Pittsburg Steelers. This system features one large cover with only two hinges, and can be typically be built using common components from local hardware stores.

"We really hope this flushes away COVID" stated one local restaurant owner, "as we know that COVID becomes completely harmless once you're dining outdoors."

COVID restrictions are killing our small businesses and it's really shitty. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Poison Dart Frogs Accidentally Released at Hagerstown City Park

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Due to a shipping mistake, the city council's attempt to beautify Hagerstown City Park has introduced an unexpected species into the park - the poison dart frog.

It all seemed like a well-intentioned plan. The native frog population in Hagerstown City Park has been dwindling for years, to the point that only two native frogs remain. To correct this issue, the Hagerstown City Council approved a plan which introduced fifty frogs of the same species native to Hagerstown into the park to repopulate the species.

Unfortunately, the vendor which won the frog importation contract mixed up the order with an order for a research laboratory in Hagerstown, Indiana. When city officials opened the boxes to release our new froggy friends, they were horrified to immediately notice the wrong frogs had been provided.

Poison dart frogs are one of the most poisonous species on the planet, and even their skin is toxic to humans and other animals.

Visitors to City Park are asked not to pickup any brightly colored frogs in the area, and should also watch above their heads in trees for the frogs. The Maryland Department of the Environment has dispatched a cleanup crew who are treating the frogs as an invasive species, and working to capture and relocate them accordingly. As long as visitors keep their distance, the frogs will not be dangerous.

Under no circumstances should residents take the frogs home for domestication or usage as cooking ingredients.

Also, please do not attempt to feed the frogs.

Ms. Piggy was not amused. The Hagerstown Report is Satire.

Migratory Lake Dolphins Return to Hagerstown City Park

HAGERSTOWN, MD - After nearly a century, accompanied by the successful return of dolphins to the Potomac River thanks to cleaner waters, migratory lake dolphins have begun to swim up the Potomac's creeks and streams and return to local freshwater lakes. The first of the dolphins arrived this week during an unusual January warm spell.

The dolphins will take refuge near the warmer bottom of the lake during cold periods until spring.

"So far the alligator doesn't seem bothered by them" stated a City of Hagerstown official, "she is after all trained to only eat geese."

However, many of the other wildlife in City Park, including the resident ducks and geese, seemed agitated at the presence of their new amphibious mammal friends. Most of the animals are now proceeding to shallower parts of the park lake, where the dolphins can't swim.

In the spring, the City will host a "welcome home" event for the dolphins. The event, sponsored by Starkist, will give all attendees "mostly dolphin free" canned tuna as part of the celebration.

What's that girl? Timmy fell down the well? Whatever, you're a dolphin not a border collie. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

City Park to host First Annual Turkey Drop this Weekend

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Twenty lucky families will walk away from Hagerstown City Park this Sunday with a free turkey. All they have to do is catch it as it flies out of a helicopter.

A chartered helicopter will make four trips between City Park and Hagerstown Airport. On each trip, five live turkeys will be released out the side of the helicopter. The turkeys will then fly down to the park below, and the first families to catch them get to take the turkey home for Thanksgiving dinner!

All twenty turkeys are farm raised here in Washington County, with no hormones and eating a GMO free, gluten free, organic vegan diet.

The Turkey Drop will begin at noon this Sunday, and last until all twenty turkeys have been caught.

Residents are asked not to allow children under 12 to participate, as they could be injured by the flying turkey.

As God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly! We miss WKRP. The Hagerstown Report is Satire.

County Commissioners Donate New Mural to Cultural Trail

HAGERSTOWN, MD - At today's County Commissioner meeting, the commissioners were happy to announce Washington County's newest contribution to the Hagerstown Cultural Trail - a large mural of former President Bill Clinton.

The mural has been painted partially over "The Mural of Unusual Size" after numerous complaints from residents that the abstract art is an eye-sore.

"This mural is being donated to the City of Hagerstown by Washington County in honor of our successful trips to South Korea" stated a county representative.

The official unveiling ceremony will take place on Friday, August 16, and covered by Fox 5 news.

Nothing was spilled on a blue dress while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Governor Hogan Announces Pennsylvania Invasion Plan

HAGERSTOWN, MD - While on an emergency trip to Hagerstown, Governor Hogan announced that today he has authorized $1.2 billion in funding to begin the mobilization of the Maryland National Guard to liberate Pennsylvania from the state "salami tax". This announcement is in direct response to the Lancaster pepperoni smuggling which was recently reported on by People of Lancaster.

"We will not sit idly by while Pennsylvania holds hostage a Hagerstown, MD resident who was only seeking to liberate Pennsylvania residents from excessive taxation. Not only will we rescue this fine upstanding Hagerstown resident, but we'll begin a liberation campaign to free Pennsylvania from this heinous tax upon processed meat products." stated the Governor.

Since the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania has already fortified its southern border near Lancaster PA, Maryland National Guard troops will enter Pennsylvania from the east through Delaware and west through Washington County.

Meanwhile, Lancaster residents have started their own protest in response to the arrests. In what has become known as the "Susquehanna Sausage Party", Lancaster residents are travelling to the nearby Susquehanna river to throw stolen salami, pepperoni, sausage, and other meat products into the river as an act of protesting the "salami tax".  Oakwood, MD residents have been seen with fishing nets at the state line waiting for the waterlogged meat to reach Maryland, and there are now rumors of a "barbecue vigil" in which the processed meat products will be consumed while everyone prays for a swift resolution to the conflict.

No innocent fish were harmed by Pennsylvania sausage parties while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Hagerstown "Jumps the Shark" With Newest Park Addition

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In order to attract more visitors to Hagerstown City Park, the city council approved a plan to add a new attraction to City Park lake - a live shark.

In a 4 to 1 vote, the city council approved the purchase of a Speartooth Shark, one of only a few species capable of living in fresh water. The shark, which is being named "Lizzy" in honor of Jonathan Hager's wife Elizabeth, will take residence in City Park lake starting Monday, June 10.

Lizzy is a specially trained shark, and is completely docile. She will only feed on carp in the city park lake, leaving other wildlife alone, such as Ally, the alligator responsible for city park geese population control. "We believe this newest attraction, a living piece of art, will bring more visitors to Hagerstown City Park and the cultural trail."

Residents are encouraged not to make any sudden splashing movements if they fall into the lake, as Lizzy may mistake them for a carp. Signs have been ordered which will encourage visitors to pet the shark, should she come close to the edge of the lake.

Lizzy will be officially introduced to the community during the upcoming Flag Day celebration, and children will be encouraged to enter the water with her to post for a photo. Residents interested should RSVP on the City of Hagerstown's Facebook Event.

We at The Hagerstown Report look forward to many more events featuring Lizzy and Ally!

No carp bit the big one while writing this story. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Exclusive Interview with Immigrant Midget Operating Martins' New Robot

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Our local Martins recently placed in service a "robot" designed to patrol the store and detect spills. However, after undercover reporting at Martins, The Hagerstown Report has uncovered that there is actually a undocumented immigrant named "Carlos" inside the robot, operating it. We have obtained an EXCLUSIVE interview with Carlos. More below...

THR: So everyone thinks this is actually a robot. But it turns out there's actually a person inside, can you tell us a little more about that?

Carlos: Yea, Martins' couldn't actually get the robot to work, so they hired us to get inside and drive the things around and find spills. I was like "do I have to actually clean up the spills?" and they were like "nah dawg you just radio the employees and one of them cleans it up, easy money!"

THR: But how do you fit into the robot?

Carlos: I'm only 4 foot tall, so I fit in the bottom part pretty easy. There's a padded chair and everything in there man! It's actually pretty awesome!

THR: How did you get this job anyways?

Carlos: Ok so me and my homies just got finished digging this drug smuggling tunnel from Mexico to the US when these guys in suits show up. We're about to start running like hell when one of them says "No no, we're not with ICE, we're here to off you guys jobs!" So we listened to what they had to say, and they know we're used to being in confined spaces digging tunnels all day, and said we could come work in the US doing a somewhat legit job where we get to be inside all day. At first we didn't think this was real, but then they showed us pictures of that guy inside of R2-D2, and we were like WOWWWWWW ok sign us up!

THR: Are you and your friends worried about being deported?

Carlos: Nah dawg! It's the PERFECT hiding spot - cause like we're hiding in plain sight. What's ICE going to do, try to deport a robot?

THR: So are you going to stay here a while and just work this job, or do you have other career goals?

Carlos: Well to be honest dawg after they showed us those pictures of R2-D2, that really made me re-think my career goals. I mean here was this badass little robot and it was actually a dude inside! So I started looking around and sure enough there's other opportunities too! So this will just be a stepping stone to greater careers!

THR: Like what?

Carlos: Like you know those hand dryers in bathrooms? Everybody thinks those are just heated fans, but it's actually a guy inside the wall blowing on your hands when you push the button!

THR: Wow.

Carlos: Wow.

THR: Anything else you'd like to add before we wrap this up?

Carlos: Yea dawg - ladies will you stop letting your kids tap on the side of the robot? It really echos inside and gives me headaches! Also, stop asking me where stuff is in the store, you'll blow my cover!!!!

We thank Carlos for his exclusive interview, and wish him the best in his career.

R2-D2 actually did have a person inside - who knew? The Hagerstown Report is satire.

An Open Letter to WDVM and Nexstar regarding Antietam Broadband

Dear WDVM and Nexstar,

The whole Washington County community has watched for quite some time now as you continue to attempt to "wage war" against Antietam Broadband, and even attempt to pull Hagerstown City Council into your dispute. Enough is enough, let's try to fix this.

We are very sorry to hear that you could not successfully negotiate a new retransmission fee with Antietam Broadband. As a local satire source, we fully understand the importance of having local news easily available to residents in the Hagerstown and Washington County area. Local news is extremely important to keep residents informed of local issues, especially local issues which should impact local elections.

In case you hadn't noticed, Antietam Cable has rebranded themselves as Antietam Broadband. Why do you think that is? Perhaps it's because they want to be recognized as an Internet provider, because they see that's where a significant piece of their income will be in the future.

If you have been unable to determine from the comments on social media, most area residents no longer feel your station is relevant to their lives. They have no idea when our "local" news is going to be available, and half the news stories on your website and social media have no indication where the article is from. The harsh reality is, most people in the Hagerstown area don't care whatsoever what is going on in Fairfax, VA or Montgomery County, MD.

Yes, we have been poking fun at you during this, and our readers have been enjoying it. And rightfully so - when you harass the mayor of Hagerstown and try to get him to comment on a private dispute between two businesses, this doesn't make him look like the bad guy for not commenting, this makes WDVM look foolish. This "PR campaign disguised as news reports" is not fooling any local residents.

And why would local Hagerstown residents care about WDVM? After all, the station shifted focus away from their primary audience in 2017 with the change of the station callsign from WHAG to WDVM, and began expanding news coverage outside the Hagerstown and Washington County area. This is a path which WDVM started down in 2017. WDVM will continue to stumble until it finds a better direction.

You have already lost your battle with Antietam Broadband.  Embrace that. Use this as an opportunity to further expand, and better focus on the future, instead of living in the past.

Here are a few suggestions on how to improve your station's future...

1) Abandon your fight with Antietam Broadband. Seriously, you're making yourselves look bad, and turning more of the local community against you, instead of getting them to support you.

2) Break your station's online presence into target markets. For example, WDVM-Hagerstown, or WDVM-Frederick. Show relevant news for those target markets on the appropriate sites and social media pages.

3) Start restoring the trust of your local market by delivering them local news they can trust. With more and more people dropping cable completely and switching to just online streaming and articles, you have an opportunity to truly flourish in the Hagerstown area without being carried on Antietam Broadband.  Right now your site is the ONLY local news site in Hagerstown which is not behind a paywall. Embrace that!

4) Embrace online technology. Why not setup a live stream of your station instead of relying on retransmission fees? Show value to your advertisers that you're embracing new technologies and keeping your content free, while other local news sites actually discourage people from visiting with their paywalls.

5) Realize that people want to be entertained, not informed. This is a lesson I learned a long time ago. Before The Hagerstown Report, I had a serious news organization for local residents. It never took off - because people weren't simply interested in being informed. But The Hagerstown Report's satire - that's entertaining, and as such the site has experienced massive growth without spending any money on marketing at all. Just imagine if we already had a marketing budget like WDVM, what we would be able to accomplish. Keep this lesson in mind, and try to adjust your programming accordingly.

We want to see your station succeed. We want to see your station grow. We want to see your station prosper.

Please, right the ship, and set a new course, before it's too late.

If you'd like to discuss more, I'd be happy to do so. Send me a message on Facebook, and let's setup a time to chat.

Ken, Editor of the Hagerstown Report

This article is NOT satire. This is actually some serious stuff.

Hagerstown Speed Cam "X-Ray" Upgrade Completed

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Today the city council announced that the "x-ray" upgrade to the speed cameras has been completed. This upgrade will allow the speed cameras to also issue citations for marijuana possession, which carries a fine of $100.

The new program is designed to help reduce people driving under the influence of marijuana, as well as boost declining speed cam revenues in the City of Hagerstown by 25%.

"Marijuana is still punishable by a civil fine, and the city has decided to take advantage of that to increase revenue." stated a city representative.

Motorists may appeal the citation by turning over the contact information for the dealer who sold them the marijuana. Appeals are not guaranteed.

Bombarding moving vehicles with x-rays sounds like a wonderful idea, I'm sure there wouldn't be any side effects whatsoever. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Hagerstown City Council Proceeds with Plastic Straw Ban

HAGERSTOWN, MD - With a 4 to 1 vote, the City of Hagerstown has agreed to ban plastic straws, following suit with many other cities across the country. Starting September 31, 2018, all local businesses must replace plastic straws with biodegradable straws made out of solidified bovine fertilizer.

"Not only is this move environmentally friendly" stated a city representative, "but it will provide an excellent boost to our local cow farmers as their excess manure is processed into drinking straws."

In trial testing, consumers have been hesitant to switch to fertilizer straws. Many have complained that drinking liquids with the straws often results in an "off taste", or that the straws will dissolve too quickly in hot liquids. Others have expressed concerns about the health implications of using straws created from cow manure, but national health industry officials have stated that the effects are "very minimal" and only increases the chance of digestive tract issues by 15%.

The biodegradable straws do come at a cost however. Each straw will cost 50% more than its plastic equivalent. Local businesses will be forced to either absorb this cost, or raise prices to match the increased cost. The council discussed a potential price freeze for six months, but this idea was voted down 3 to 2.

Fortunately unlike many plastic straw bans in the country, this article is complete bovine manure. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Hagerstown Dinosaur Geneticist Nominated to head US Space Force

HAGERSTOWN, MD - With the announcement by President Donald Trump regarding the formation of the US Space Force, the President has selected local Dinosaur Geneticist Brittany Wedd to head the new branch of the Armed Forces.

"We're going to make space great again!" exclaimed the president, as he signed the executive order exempting Wedd from military service in order to have her run the new branch. "We're going to do SCIENCE, only the best SCIENCE. And we're going to make Mars pay for it!".  Trump then said the word SCIENCE several more times, for emphasis.

When asked regarding Wedd's qualifications, Trump spoke highly of her ability to "science anything", and how "she does a lot of science, so she must know a lot of science, plus I hear she's really good at managing the social media for the local science museum."

Wedd has recently come under investigation regarding her role in the "Jurassic Parkgate", specifically the rumors that she has been cloning dinosaurs in her lab underneath the Discovery Station.

According to Wedd, her process involves splicing the genes of dinosaurs with the genes of Ally the Alligator from city park.  The resulting dinosaurs will only attack geese, and leave humans and other animals alone.

The first of her experimental dinosaurs, a T-Rex, was placed in city park earlier this year, after a brief incident regarding the New Years Eve do-nut drop. Wedd will continue her dinosaur cloning experiments until US Space Force is officially up and running.

No phallic shaped rockets were launched into space while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

City Asks Residents Not to Eat Pod Sculpture

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Amid the "Tide Pod" craze, the Hagerstown City Council has encountered an unusual problem - Tide Pod addicts attempting to eat the granite sculpture "Pod" in City Park, after a prankster keeps dying the sculpture orange and blue.

"Apparently someone thought it it would be funny to make the Pod look like a Tide Pod" said one of the city council members, "they're using water-soluble dye so it washes off without damaging the Pod, but after we clean it off someone sneaks back in that night and colors it all over again."

So far Hagerstown police have caught three people attempting to "take a bite" of the sculpture before the coloring is removed. The city warns that attempting to take a bite of the Pod could result in severe dental damage.

If you have any tips on who keeps changing the colors of Pod, please contact the City Park staff.

No sculptures changed colors while writing this article. The Hagerstown report is satire.

Cloned T-Rex Terrorizes New Years Celebration

HAGERSTOWN, MD - A cloned T-Rex inspired by the techniques used in Jurassic Park escaped from the basement cloning facility of the Discovery Station, and began terrorizing the city today. While authorities spent most of the day searching for the T-Rex, which is named "Tessy", the T-Rex found them today as it sought to get a taste of the giant donut being used in the New Years Eve Donut Drop.

Tessy was cloned in the basement laboratory of the Discovery Station by local mad scientist Brittany Wedd in a program designed to help control the geese population in City Park. She has been trained to only eat geese, but further research has uncovered that Wedd was feeding Tessy Krumpe's Donuts as a "treat" for good behavior. As a result, Tessy has developed a sweet tooth, and sought to get a taste of the giant donut dropped on New Years Eve in Hagerstown.

Fortunately after attempting to bite the giant donut, the lights surrounding the donut briefly shocked Tessy, allowing authorities to subdue her. She is being transported to a secure location near Hagerstown City Park where she will be provided medical care, and evaluated if she is still fit to help control City Park's geese population.

Unfortunately for many Hagerstown residents, unless they took out the optional "Dinosaur Protection" rider on their home insurance or car insurance policies, any damage caused by Tessy will not be covered.

I'll be vacationing on Isla Nublar this summer. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Underground Test of Hagerstown Nuclear Warhead Successful

Warhead leaving its production facility in Hagerstown

HAGERSTOWN, MD - An underground test of a nuclear warhead produced in Hagerstown was conducted successfully today in an abandoned well near Dover, Delaware. This test resulted in a 4.1 magnitude earthquake rocking the region.

For the past fourteen months, scientists have been working around the clock at the old paper recycling plant across from Municipal Stadium, converting the paper recycling equipment into a large centrifuge capable of creating "yellow cake", the Uranium used in nuclear warheads. Today Hagerstown's first warhead was delivered to the USAF for testing, marking the first time Hagerstown has produced a weapon of war since the shutdown of Fairchild's A-10 Thunderbolt II production in 1984.

"This facility is is now the ultimate power in the universe! I suggest we use it!" exclaimed General Tarkin, responsible for overseeing the development and testing of the warhead.

The company producing the warheads, which is so top secret that The Hagerstown Report is prohibited from publishing the company name, has been contracted twelve additional warheads, with an optional contract year for eight more, should the United States go to war with North Korea.

Warshington County Commissioners were unavailable for comment on how this will affect relations with the recent free transfer of Fort Ritchie to North Korea, as they were too busy verifying the recent firing of Matt Lauer from NBC for inappropriate sexual behavior would not somehow lead back to their own misdeeds.

No Korean dictators blew their top while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.