#Wexit Movement Gains Steam in Western Maryland

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In wake of the #Brexit UK departure from the European Union, a new revival has been found for the Western Maryland secession from Maryland, now fondly referred to as #Wexit.

Those associated with the campaign originally considered "#Maxit" or "#Waxit", but feared those hashtags may become confused with weight loss or car care advertising campaigns.

Local residents weighed in on the #Wexit movement, and seemed very supportive.

"Dem dern liberals in Annapolis dun know nuttin." stated one Washington County resident. "Out here we get us some hooch and some noise makers en we hae ourselves a good ol'time at the farm!"

Another resident event went so far as to state that Western Maryland should completely secede from the US, "Britain left the union and so should we!" The resident seemed unaware that the European Union and United States are two separate countries. However, the resident's confusion is understandable, since a significant number of UK residents searched Google for "What is the EU" on the day AFTER they voter to break ties with the EU. Perhaps they should have searched this topic before voting?

The top reason for #Wexit supporters to secede from Maryland? "Snow Mexicans". According to several local residents, they are tired of "freeloaders from the north moving here and corrupting our youth with their socialist ways."

While the constitution does allow for the creation of new states within existing ones, such an act would require the approval of the Maryland legislature.

Maryland Congressman John Delaney was unavailable for comment, as he was too busy throwing a temper tantrum in DC that Republicans won't let him try to take away firearms from his own constituents. Ironically, in his office in DC, he has the luxury of being protected by armed guards.

In other news, it has been rumored that the UK will now abandon the Metric system in favor of the US Standard system, to completely sever ties with the EU. "Good luck you bloody immigrants, you'll never figure out our math system now you buggers!"

#Waxon, #Waxoff. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Hagerstown Residents Rejoice as House Sits on Congress Floor in Protest

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Local residents reacted with glee as they learned about the House Democrat protest currently occurring in the Capitol Building.

"You mean they're just sitting there not doing anything? That's the best news I heard all day!" stated one excited Hagerstown resident.

Democrat protesters threw a temper tantrum and sat down in the middle of the House floor screaming like a spoiled child who was just told by a parent they couldn't have a piece of candy.

"I sure hope the Republicans sit down and join them, then we won't have to worry about any new laws being passed and screwing up the country further." another resident stated. "Can we have a bipartisan protest and congress never pass another law again? That would be the best thing to ever happen to this country!"

Other residents weren't quite so enthusiastic.

"I mean, is this really any different from what they normally do every day? At least when they're sitting in the middle of the floor we know they're not getting their pockets stuffed with cash by corporate sponsors." said a disgruntled resident.

The Senate is currently taking up a collection for their dysfunctional brethren, so that babysitters can come in and provide the protesting representatives a pillow and blanket.

"Those representatives have a hard time living off the taxpayer dime and working only 133 days a year - almost half of what most blue collar Americans work. It's clear to me these representatives, most of whom come from wealthy families and aren't used to working anyway, are over worked and need their safe space." stated Gersh Kuntzman, who then immediately claimed he was still suffering flashbacks from firing an AR-15 and went into a strange meditative state.

Is there a GoFundMe for Gersh Kuntzman's PTSD treatment yet? The Hagerstown Report is satire.

BREAKING: Alligator Safely Returned to City Park

Ally with one of her handlers.

HAGERSTOWN, MD - After two days, and a foot chase through a thunderstorm, Ally the alligator is safely back in City Park.

Former Mayor Bob Bruchey single-handedly chased Ally as she dashed across a semi-flooded Suns Stadium and rescued her from her lost and confused journey around Hagerstown.

"We're sure glad she's safe and back here with us!" stated one of Ally's handlers. "We were absolutely amazed that none of our city cameras could locate her. We've got camera technology that can read a license plate from 200 yards at 50 MPH, but it can't find a giant alligator moving at 5 MPH."

Ally will spend tonight in her normal winter location until examined by a veterinarian. She will then be returned to City Park to control the geese population.

A special thanks to all of the Hagerstown residents who called to report where Ally was spotted, and ensuring no harm came to her.

In related news, the City of Hagerstown will soon be accepting bids on bringing a male alligator to mate with Ally. Offspring will be trained to only eat geese as well, then sold to other municipalities.

The City of Hagerstown estimates that this "All natural geese control" program will ultimately replace the dying speed camera revenue, since Hagerstown residents have figured out to slow down when passing the large metal boxes, and speed back up once out of sight of the camera.

Bruchey poses after rescuing the alligator

Do you know the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? Neither do we. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Hagerstown Alligator Escapes on First Day Back at City Park

UPDATE: The Alligator has been safely returned to City Park.

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Ally the Alligator, who was purchased by the City of Hagerstown and placed in City Park to control the geese population, escaped on her first day back in the park this year.

The town council decided to wait for the first day of summer to release Ally back into City Park, because they needed to make sure the water was warm enough for her.

"She's been cooped up in a heated shack for most of the winter, and I guess she needed to stretch her legs." stated one city official.

Residents are once again reminded that should they encounter the alligator, under no circumstances should you make any honking noise, or she may mistake you for a goose. Ally is trained to only eat geese.

Ally was last seen by the McDonalds at Long Meadow. If you see Ally, please do not approach her, but contact the town hall so that they may pick her up.

Additionally, should you see Ally, please keep your pets inside.

Ally the Alligator is the gift that just keeps on giving, eventually we'll have a sports team "The Hagerstown Gators".  The Hagerstown Report is satire.

You Won't Believe Why This Hagerstown Woman is Protesting Father's Day

HAGERSTOWN, MD - A Hagerstown woman is protesting Father's day, and you won't believe the reason why.

In a shocking turn of events, thousands of Hagerstown area residents click on a clickbait headline, just because it's Father's day, or blindly share the link without reading it.

Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there!

The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Decades old Mason-Dixon Line Dispute Re-Ignited Between MD and PA

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Today in Hagerstown, the counties of Washington, Frederick, Carroll, and Baltimore signed a declaration of war against Franklin, Adams, York, and Lancaster counties, PA.

"Recent review of historical documents show that Maryland in fact possesses an equatorial line north of Philadelphia, passing through the counties mentioned in our declaration." stated a representative of the Maryland counties.

Representatives from both states attempted to resolve the situation peacefully. However, negotiations broke down when delegates from Hagerstown began verbally assaulting delegates from Lancaster, calling them "gullible hicks who believe everything they read on the internet."

Lancaster delegates quickly retorted "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, this insult is coming from the same people who think there's an alligator in their own city park!"

Lancaster and York delegates then filed a joint resolution countering the Maryland land claim, stating that their own official documents show the line to be at the northernmost edge of the Chesapeake Bay.

Pennsylvania residents in the area of conflict are recommended to apply for conceal carry permits as soon as possible, and keep themselves armed at all times, in case Maryland would invade Pennsylvania.

Maryland residents in the area of conflict, since Maryland requires you to be in bed with an elected official to conceal carry, are recommended to be sure to have proper identification with them at all times, so that next of kin can be notified if Pennsylvania would invade Maryland.

Mason and Dixon did not roll over in their graves while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is Satire

Local Promises to "Blaze it Up" from Olympic Torch

HAGERSTOWN, MD - With the arrival of the Olympic Torch in Hagerstown, one local habitual marijuana user has promised to make this year an Olympics no-one will soon forget.

"So, like, the plan is, I'm going to hide among the crowd of people running the torch, and about halfway through I'm going to light up a blunt off the torch." said the anonymous Hagerstown resident.

With the decriminalization of marijuana in Maryland, the maximum penalty the Hagerstown resident might face would be a $500 civil fine.

"Yea, I'll probably get arrested. But man, what a story to tell my grandkids! If they didn't want us to do this, they shouldn't have made the torch in the shape of a blunt in the first place."

The Torch Run will be on Wednesday, June 8, and will start at noon at the Hagerstown Fairgrounds.

No stoners plotted to blaze it up at an Olympic event while writing this article, except for maybe Michael Phelps, but that's okay because he didn't inhale. The Hagerstown Report is satire.