Sister City Files Grievance Against Hagerstown

Coat of Arms of Wesel

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Today Wesel, Germany filed an international grievance against Hagerstown, MD, over Augustoberfest. In the grievance, Wesel cited the menu of the 2014 Augustoberfest as an insult to the German Oktoberfest.

The spokesman for Wesel expressed much dismay over the selection of drinks available at the event; "I can understand the iced tea, I can understand the Pepsi, I can understand the bottled water, I can understand the wine, and I can even understand serving non-alcoholic beer. But what really offended us in Germany was the serving of Coors Light. I mean, if it was brewed locally I'd understand, but it's not even a local beer for Hagerstown - and quite honestly it tastes just as bad as that kangaroo urine the Australians sell labeled as Fosters."

The grievance did include a list of alternative beverages which could be served at this year's Augustoberfest. This list included local brews such as Flying Dog, as well as several German beers which were unpronounceable. At the end of the grievance, a handwritten note regarding how "embarrassed" the people of Wesel were to be loosely associated with such an event, and a challenge to Hagerstown to make their Augustoberfest more authentic.

"The association of Wesel Germany with this event has offended many local residents here in Wesel. Germans take pride in their heritage, food, and beer. The residents of Hagerstown should do the same, and not simply use the event as an excuse to become completely wasted." concluded the grievance.

No German Braumeisters were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.