"In one year, the average person uses 5,644 square feet of toilet paper. That means every year, Hagerstown flushes 229,214,128 square feet of toilet paper. Think of how many trees have to be cut down, just so you can wipe your ass." stated one council member.
Residents will receive special biohazard recycling bins in the coming weeks, which residents can use to dispose of used toilet paper.
Before placing used toilet paper in the recycling bin, residents should clean the toilet paper by running it under water in the sink, then hang the toilet paper on a clothesline to dry.
Collection will be weekly.
"We're going to be performing spot checks of your sewage output, and if we find you have been flushing your toilet paper instead of recycling it, you'll face a fine."
All recycled toilet paper will be used to help reduce local newspaper printing costs.
No sewer monsters were harmed while writing this article. Please do not attempt to recycle your toilet paper, that's just gross. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.
