"It really hurts you know, I spend all this time sitting on my porch trying to spread my message of hate during trick-or-treat, and all these kids keep running up and telling me they love my ghost costume."
The Sharpsburg man, who requested to only be known as "John", is a twelfth degree grand dragon samurai voodoo zen master in his local KKK chapter. He started sitting on his porch to try and raise awareness of the "good things the KKK does in our community". When asked for a few examples, he changed the topic.
However, after receiving zero complaints about being a KKK member, and multiple compliments for his "Celtic ghost costume", John is stepping up his game with a large sign that reads "I'm a racist not a ghost".
"I'm really trying to show people that racism is alive and well, and that we're still here!" said John, "The mainstream media has done an excellent job in exaggerating the extent that racism exists in this country, and we're trying to build on that to make a comeback."
John and many like him face huge challenges across the country. Despite overexaggerated reports by sensationalized cable news stations, racism is almost non-existant in the United States today. KKK membership is at an all-time low, with at most probably about 500 members nationwide. In fact, most people have a higher chance of being struck by lightning than meeting a KKK member. The truth of the matter is that racism is dying, and despite media's attempts to breathe life into the ashes, it's simply not coming back.
"It's tough. Nobody comes to the meetings anymore. It's usually just me and my uncle-brother Billy-Bob." said John as he wiped away a tear.
Do grand dragons do the angry dragon? The Hagerstown Report is satire.