Saturday, June 10, 2017
Inspired by recent reports of Ocean City denying topless women on the beach, the local "Resist" group is organizing "Topless Day in the Park" as part of their "Picnic de la Resistance".
The event is planned to be a fun filled day of beer, burgers, brats, and boobies. No wieners will be available or on display.
"We believe the community will come together and support this." stated a local representative. "There's nothing unnatural about a woman's breasts which should prevent their display in public, as long as she's attractive of course!"
Protesters will also have "tip" jars to show appreciation for their protest.
The picnic takes place on June 14, and is sponsored by Mitzi's in Funkstown.
Admission is $10 per person, kids eight and under are free. For ticket information please visit the Facebook event.
Harambe would be disappoint. The Hagerstown Report is satire.
Saturday, June 3, 2017
|Artist's Concept of "Happy Fun Palace"|
"Much like the Disneyland castle, we want this to be the center of our park" stated a representative of the South Korean firm.
The park, called "Korea Happy Fun Palace", is being marketed as "the best erotic getaway in the world". Promising to provide a fully immersive Korea experience, only women of Asian descent will be hired at the park, and the standard uniform will be a schoolgirl outfit with a very short skirt.
Proposed rides include:
- The Big "O" - This tilt-a-whirl will provide completely enclosed, private ride cabs complete with sound proofing
- Mary-Go-Round - Unlike traditional merry-go-rounds, riders will remain stationary in their own private booths in the center of the ride, while employees in bikinis ride the merry-go-round in front of them
- Slip N' Slide in the DMs - A water slide where riders are shown pornographic images upon reaching the end
- Bump-her Cars - Similar to traditional bumper cars, but each car features a 3D sculpture of a scantly-clad Korean anime girl
Washington County residents will receive a lifetime fifty percent discount on admission to the park. Children under 12 can be admitted for free.
County officials could not be reached for comment, but it is The Hagerstown Report's understanding that the commissioners received a private preview of the park concept during their trips to South Korea, and commissioners in attendance were rather excited about the idea, despite objects from other county employees.
This may be the first article to start an international incident. The Hagerstown Report is satire.
Labels: Fort Ritchie
Friday, June 2, 2017
Early this morning a construction crew accidentally connected a water main over-pressurization valve backwards, allowing some piranhas to enter the city's water supply. Stocking of the lake with piranhas to address the park's geese population started in January of this year as part of the lake dredging project.
Residents are reminded that the piranhas have been trained to only eat geese, but several cautionary steps should be taken to avoid injury.
- When filling the bath tub for children, do not allow them to splash or scream. This activity may be mistaken for a goose, and attract a piranha into the bathtub.
- Examine dish water or water drawn for cooking carefully. Piranhas may feel threatened if poured into an enclosed space such as a sink or cooking pot.
- Should you discover a piranha in your water, please do not harm it. Instead, carefully pick up the piranha with your bare hand (piranhas do not like rubber gloves) and place the piranha in a 5 gallon bucket filled with water. Please return the piranha to city park lake where it belongs.
City officials have not yet determined how many piranhas have escaped the lake, but assure residents that should the lake not have enough piranhas, Ally the Alligator may take a brief hiatus as the Suns' new mascot and return to the lake.
Piranhas escaping City Park lake would really bite. The Hagerstown Report is satire.
Labels: City Park
Sunday, May 28, 2017
"These monuments honor rebels and traitors. The civil war was over 150 years ago, it's time that those supporting the confederacy move on." stated a NPS spokesperson, "Thanks to the generous donation of the President's salary, we have the funding to complete this important work."
The removal of the monuments is part of the NPS new "friendlier, more inclusive" approach to remodeling its parks in an effort to get families off their computers and smart phones, and back into open spaces. "We really feel that this extends an olive branch to the community that we're all one nation now, and we can move on from the past."
When asked about the usage of his salary to fund the removal of confederate monuments, the President stated "We will crush the rebellion with one swift stroke, and make America great again!"
The President then denied that his quote was stolen from a science fiction movie, and refused further comment.
Local residents in Sharpsburg, MD applauded the move. "Finally we can rewrite the history books and tell everyone that the civil war was a minor incursion, and that the United States swiftly crushed the rebellion." stated local resident Wilhuff Tarkin.
Since 1775, over 600,000 United States military members have died in combat. This Memorial Day, please remember them. The Hagerstown Report is satire.
Wednesday, May 24, 2017
|Artist's concept of the Harambe sculpture.|
"We're estimating over $2 million in revenue from speed cams in Washington County, so we figured we should give part of that back to the community" stated a county representative.
The same artist who convinced the City of Hagerstown to spend $100,000 on a racist hate-filled cave drawing along the culture trail, will also create this new sculpture.
"This area keeps giving me more and more money and I love it! P.T. Barnum was right!" exclaimed the artist.
Work on the Harambe sculpture will take place this summer, starting July 5th.
Probably would still attract more visitors than a pile of rocks or a culture trail. The Hagerstown Report is satire.
Friday, May 5, 2017
|Click to Enlarge|
The "Mural of Unusual Size" is in fact completely riddled with hidden hate symbols against minorities and women. City officials have no idea what to do next, as the mural cost the taxpayers $100,000 as a commission fee to the artist.
Some of the more obvious hate symbol features of the mural include...
- An abstract illustration of a hand holding a phallic symbol. This is a symbol often used as a micro-aggression against women and feminists.
- An abstract illustration of Pepe the Frog, a popular Internet meme used by white supremacists, especially those of the alt-right and anti-Semitic groups.
- An abstract, backwards illustration of "WPWW", which is a hate symbol abbreviation for "White Pride World Wide".
However, further digging into the mural has discovered even deeper, darker meaning. The mural is painted on the building at 88 Lee Street. The number 88 is actually a numerical symbol used by Nazis. Even worse yet, the mural has been divided into precisely 14 different sections, yet another white supremacist symbol for "14 words". Finally, it is believed that the title of the artwork itself, "Mural of Unusual Size", may be a reference to "unusually large phallic objects".
For your reference, The Hagerstown Report has provided a visual breakdown of the mural. Click on the image to enlarge.
Harambe would be proud of this phallic display. The Hagerstown Report is satire.
Tuesday, April 25, 2017
In today's defense, it was claimed that local elected officials can be easily influenced by topics on TV shows. Hopefully, none of our officials watch The Hunger Games (or maybe we'd be better off?) While this newest spin on the Chewbacca defense did not work, it sets new ground for further usage of this strategy. Imagine when bank robbers can simply claim they were trying to raise money for a single mom they saw on the show, or similar circumstances!
To further expand on this concept, perhaps there should be shows which are required viewing for our elected officials. We at The Hagerstown Report have taken the liberty of writing a list of possible shows for other elected officials here in Washington County, in order to help them become better public servants.
- Washington County Sheriff - The X-Files. What better show to help our top law enforcement officer solve crimes than two of the greatest investigators of all time, Mulder and Scully?
- Mayor of Hagerstown - Independence Day. When your
citycountry is in ruin, what better movie to inspire a strong leader than a movie about fighting till your last breath to keep your citycountry out of the hands of illegalalien invaders?
- Board of Education - American Pie. There's not better way to get in touch with your students and understand them than this coming-of-age movie. After all, who doesn't enjoy a warm apple pie?
- State Representative/Senate - The Empire Strikes Back. Because even if you win small victories like blowing up the Death Star, in the end the Democratic Empire is going to cut off your hand.
- Congressional Representative - We didn't bother picking a movie for this one, because let's face it, our district is so gerrymandered that John Delaney can keep the seat for as long as he wants.
No pies were ruined by elected officials while writing this article, and we'll just tell their mothers we ate it all. The Hagerstown Report is satire.
Thursday, April 13, 2017
In this questionably legal sport, spectators gather around while a reality TV show films two homeless residents who have volunteered to fight each other for a $1,000 prize. The locations of the fights are kept secret as to avoid attracting the attention of law enforcement, and only a handful of selected residents are informed where the fight will be, so that they can bid on the winner.
"It really gives the homeless a chance to pull themselves out of their situation," stated the show's producer, "and at the same time it makes for amazing reality TV!"
The twelve episode show will air on cable television later this fall, and include cities from the greater DC area including:
- Hagerstown, MD
- Baltimore, MD
- Martinsburg, WV
- Laurel, MD
- Fairfax, VA
- Gaithersburg, MD
Participants are provided all safety equipment used by professional boxers, and must follow strict professional boxing rules.
Residents are encouraged that, should they happen upon the show during filming, to place small monetary bids on the winner. The loser of the fight will receive fifty percent of the pot collected, to help pay for medical bills.
Who would win, a homeless street fighter or an Amish rake fighter? The Hagerstown Report is satire.
Saturday, April 8, 2017
Friday the newly renamed Hagerstown Gators baseball team lost 11 to 1 against Ashville, but the kids didn't mind the loss, as they still had a lot of fun.
"She's really friendly!" stated one child who was initially afraid of sitting on the team mascot, "she only snapped at me once, but I know she didn't really mean it!"
Ally the Alligator was previously at Hagerstown City Park to help with geese population control. However, with the dredging of city park, Ally was replaced with live piranhas, which, like Ally, have been specially trained to only eat geese.
The next Hagerstown Gators baseball game will be held at home, at 4:05 PM Eastern.
Fans can purchase Hagerstown Gators baseball souvenirs at the website!
No liability insurance agents had a heart attack while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.
Saturday, April 1, 2017
The purchase terms have not been officially disclosed, but we're excited to announce that a local newspaper saw the value that The Hagerstown Report brand provides, and that the major newspaper is actually purchasing this site in order to use the name for their own local paper.
You will see the changes take place slowly over the next few weeks, as content at this newspaper's website is migrated to ours.
We look forward to becoming the most trusted name in local news for Hagerstown and Washington County, and see many more years of serving the community!
No editors became rich while writing this article. April fools. The Hagerstown Report is and always will be satire.
Tuesday, March 21, 2017
"It's a sculpture by a lesser known Chinese artist, Hung So Lo, and we want to make sure upcoming artists are also well represented." stated a city representative.
For $40,000, the city will transport the sculpture from its current location in Arizona to the side of the culture trail, exact location to be determined.
"It's really hard, finding art that excites people" stated a council member. "But we feel that by erecting this large sculpture, we can show people what our city is truly all about."
While one city council member expressed concern about both sculptures, his concerns were quickly dismissed by the other council members, "It's already budgeted, it's basically free money! The taxpayers won't mind!"
City Council seemed absolutely oblivious to concerns from parents present at the meeting. One parent was quoted as saying "You're really screwing the taxpayers with this!"
Meanwhile, major news outlets scramble to obtain a photo of the sculpture which can actually be aired, the Hagerstown Report has decided to expose this sculpture in all its glory. To do otherwise would be just nuts.
Richard Cranium, Staff Writer, Reporting
Writing this article with a straight face was really hard. The Hagerstown Report is satire.
Sunday, March 12, 2017
The National Weather Service is predicting up to 30 inches of snow in a 24 hour period, just in the DC Metro area, starting mid-day Monday.
This type of weather shows a fundamental shift in the Earth's climate. We were wrong, the Earth isn't getting warmer, it's getting cooler - and it's about to do so rapidly.
Residents across the eastern seaboard should expect mass mayhem, including out-of-stock milk, bread, water, and eggs. Cats may be sleeping with dogs, and biblical levels of disease and famine may be witnessed across the land.
Stock up, take shelter in your fallout shelter or basement, and prepare for a long several months. Winter is coming.
UPDATE: Any rumors of this change in weather due to crazy experiments by mad scientist "Brittany Wedd" at the Discovery Station in Hagerstown are unfounded, and such reports shall not be entertained here.
No meteorologists were struck by meteors while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.
Monday, February 27, 2017
Residents of the Hagerstown area are encouraged to stock up on bread, milk, eggs, toilet paper, and sunscreen.
Residents may also experience discomfort with unusually high temperatures Friday and Saturday.
Temperatures will return to 70 degrees on Sunday.
Seriously, will we even be around for Saturday? The Hagerstown Report is satire.
Saturday, February 18, 2017
"We got the idea from South Park" stated a Whitehouse representative. "Manatees are un-corruptible, and can't have ties to any foreign government. Because they're manatees."
Under the new system, a manatee will be given his own tank with "idea balls", which the manatee will then feed into a machine to help decide foreign policy.
"It truly is a remarkable system!"
For a demonstration of how the system works, please visit South Park Studios.
No sea creatures were given control of our nuclear arsenal while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.
Friday, February 17, 2017
Just got this email! We're gonna be RICH!!!!!
Subject: Dear Respected One,
Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business relationship with you. I got your contact from the International web site directory. I prayed over it and selected your name among other names due to it’s esteeming nature and the recommendations given to me as a reputable and trust worthy person I can do business with and by the recommendations I must not hesitate to confide in you for this simple and sincere business. I am an American businessman born in Jamaica, Queens. My father was a very wealthy real estate tycoon in New York City, before he passed away in 1999. When my father died, my mother took me and my younger brother Robert special because we are fatherless. Before the death of my mother on 7th August 2001 in a private hospital here. She secretly called me on her bedside and told me that he has a sum of $12.500.000 (Twelve Million, five hundred thousand dollars) left in a suspense account in a local Bank here in New Yotk, that she used my name as her Son for the next of kin in deposit of the fund. She also explained to me that it was because of this wealth and some huge amount of money her business associates supposed to balance her from the deal they had that she was poisoned by her business associates, that I should seek for a God fearing foreign partner in the United States where I will transfer this money and use it for investment purpose, (such as real estate management). Due to a recent political election and my newest position, I am unable to withdraw this money directly.
Sir, we are honourably seeking your assistance in the following ways.
1) To provide a Bank account where this money would be transferred to.
2) To serve as the guardian of this money.
Moreover Sir, we are willing to offer you 15% of the sum as compensation for effort input after the successful transfer of this fund to your designate account overseas. please feel free to contact ,me via this email address
Anticipating to hear from you soon.Thanks and God Bless.
Donald J. Trump
Monday, February 13, 2017
HAGERSTOWN, MD - Local mad scientist Brittany Wedd accidentally triggered a blackout while attempting to perform gene splicing in an attempt to create fake dinosaurs.
Wedd was previously caught in her part of the conspiracy to create fake dinosaur bones in an attempt to boost Jurassic Park movie sales.
Insider sources have revealed that this was part of the creation of the upcoming STEAM exhibit at the Discovery Station, and that Wedd is attempting to create actual fake dinosaurs to be featured in the exhibit.
While it is believed that Wedd's experiment was unsuccessful, local officials have been informed that a "disturbingly large, hatched egg" was discovered in the Antietam Creek a few miles away.
Residents should be on the lookout for an upright, walking lizard, approximately ten stories tall. The last known sighting was in the Antietam Creek near the Sun's Stadium.
No museum directors created apocalyptic creatures while writing this article, at least we hope not. The Hagerstown Report is satire.
Sunday, February 5, 2017
Washington, Allegany, and Garrett counties unanimously declared their secession from the State of Maryland shortly after the state legislature's override of the governor's veto of the sunshine tax.
"We won't subject ourselves to these crazy liberal ideas anymore!" stated one Washington County resident who recently had solar panels installed on his roof, "What if everyone installs solar panels? They're going to burn out the sun and use up all its energy!"
As part of the secession, Western Maryland will not only be joining West Virginia, but also constructing a wall between Washington and Frederick counties.
"This wall will make West Marginia great again, and keep all the Frednexicans from coming to our great state and stealing our jobs!"
Ironically, many Washington County residents commute to Frederick County or beyond for their own daily jobs.
West Virginia officials issued the following statement: "We the people of the great state of West Virginia welcome our brothers and sisters from the panhandle! In order to ensure our security and continuing stability, the states will be reorganized into the first multi-state empire, for a safe and secure society which I assure you will last for ten thousand years!"
Finalization of the secession and construction of the border wall is expected to occur on February 30, 2017.
Pink Floyd should take out a sponsorship on the wall. The Hagerstown Report is satire.
Labels: West Marginia
Saturday, January 28, 2017
|Signs to be posted in City Park|
So far, approximately half of the carp have been replaced with the carnivorous fish, which have been specially trained to only eat geese.
"We will be the first park in the country to stock our park's lake with piranhas!" stated a city council member, "Just think of the tourism draw this will create!"
While the piranhas have been trained to only eat geese, small children should not splash or cry if they fall in the lake, or they may be mistaken for a goose.
The current target completion date is February 10, 2017, when approximately 75% of the lake will be piranhas. It is believed that the remaining carp will eventually be removed by "natural forces".
Signs will be posted next week telling visitors that the piranhas are friendly, but warning not to splash or make noise if you should fall in.
The carp that have been replaced during dredging are being taken to Washington County landfill, where they will be disposed of humanely.
Residents are encouraged to visit City Park and take pictures of the piranhas, but please, no swimming.
Piranhas would really take a bite out of our geese population problems. The Hagerstown Report is satire.
Thursday, January 26, 2017
HAGERSTOWN, MD - You won't believe what was found during dredging of City Park lake!
As previously reported, the City of Hagerstown is currently dredging the lake at City Park.
During the dredging of approximately 18,000 cubic yards of sediment on the bottom of the lake, the company contracted to do the dredging has made some rather unusual finds.
Friday, January 20, 2017
Shortly after the inauguration of Donald Trump, the 45th President of the United States, Queen Elizabeth announced her plan to retake the United States and make them British colonies again.
The United Kingdom has declared that after its departure from the European Union, the UK will reclaim the United States and form the new nation of Oceania.
Offering diplomacy first, Queen Elizabeth stated that she will first offer Trump to purchase all United States national debt, as well as pay him Eight Billion USD as compensation.
Trump, author of "The Art of the Deal", stated that he would "seriously consider" the United Kingdom's offer to purchase the United States from him.
Not to be deterred, Queen Elizabeth warned that this was a "limited time offer", and that if needed, the United Kingdom shall take back the United States by force.
"It won't take much really, all we have to do is promise everyone in the United States free stuff, and they'll blindly fight for liberation from Trump." stated a spokesperson for the Ministry of Peace.
As part of the acquisition, every United States citizen will receive a free interactive flat-screen television. This revolutionary technology will allow citizens to interact with their politicians in real-time!
George Orwell was psychic, just off by a few years. The Hagerstown Report is satire. For now.
Sunday, January 15, 2017
|Not a real photo.|
"Someone accidentally listed the event as 'Free Sheetz' instead of 'Free Sheets'." stated an anonymous spokesperson for the event. "Needless to say, when we notified attendees that they would be receiving a free Klan bed sheet, attendance dropped to two people."
The local grand dragon, who refers to himself only as "Billy Bob", spoke with The Hagerstown Report while gently petting his My Little Pony doll.
"We received a lot of hate messages after people found out they weren't getting free food from Sheetz." stated Billy Bob. "Some of the messages were very hurtful, and I'm afraid I need to cut this interview short so I can go find my safe space."
Billy Bob then attached a safety pin to his KKK outfit, and proceeded to disappear into a coat closet while muttering to himself something about "...but he promised he would make America great again!"
A spokesperson for the local Klan stated that the planned rally will most likely be canceled, as a parade of "two people wearing bed sheets" doesn't send the message of strength they want to send.
Those who were disappointed by the cancellation of the rally are encouraged to visit their local Sheetz and make a purchase from their secret menu.
No Klan leaders poked themselves with safety pins while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire. The KKK is a bunch of assholes.
Saturday, January 14, 2017
Must be willing to post dull, boring messages on social media, guaranteed not to boost social media likes or follows.
Under no circumstances are any of your social media postings to go viral, or you will be promptly terminated.
Must also sign waiver that your identity may be accidentally compromised due to lax computer security standards.
Pay is terrible, working conditions absolutely horrid.
To apply, please visit FCPS Maryland's website and submit your resume.
Sadly the last person to hold this position was fired because her witty tweets went viral. I thought the goal of social media was to make content go viral, who knew? The Hagerstown Report is satire.
Thursday, January 12, 2017
|Photo by Andrewself|
"Since most of the carp will be killed during dredging, we've decided to stock the lake with something a bit more exotic." stated one council member.
Hagerstown City Park has long had a problem with geese overpopulation, but the plan for the lake after dredging solves the problem, as well as increases tourism possibilities.
Instead of re-stocking the lake with carp, the city will stock the lake with Brazilian piranhas, the most aggressive of the species.
"We're working with the same wildlife company which sold us the city park alligator." stated a council member, "Much like Ally, these piranhas will be specially trained to only eat geese."
The city considered putting up warning signs regarding the piranhas, but decided it could negatively impact tourism. Instead, signs will be posted inviting visitors to take pictures of the "friendly, smiling piranhas", with small disclaimers that small children should not splash or cry if they fall in the lake, or they may be mistaken for a goose. According to the Hagerstown city attorney, this disclaimer should be sufficient to release the city of any liability.
As for Ally the alligator, she is being taken to Hagerstown Suns stadium, for their renaming to the Hagerstown Gators, and will become their new mascot. Ally will be taken around the stadium on a leash during games, and children will be encouraged to pose with Ally for photographs.
"This is an exciting time for the city!" stated a council member. "People will flock far and wide to come see the lake stocked with trained piranhas!"
If you think the alligator was crazy, wait till the piranhas find their way into the city water supply. The Hagerstown Report is satire.
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
Due to growing security concerns, the presidential inauguration of Donald Trump is being moved to Hagerstown.
The inauguration will take place outside 101 W. Washington Street at noon on January 20th.
"Hagerstown was chosen because of its proximity to the nation's capital, and its overwhelming support of the Trump campaign." stated one of Trump's staff.
Trump will land at the Hagerstown airport in a gold-plated jet, then be escorted to downtown Hagerstown by approximately two hundred volunteers from Washington County. To be eligible to be part of Trump's honor detail, local residents must have at least two tattoos featuring obscenities, or own at least one Confederate Flag. Special considerations may also be provided for those who follow Trump on Twitter.
"This is an exciting time for Hagerstown" stated one of the city council. "We welcome President-elect Trump, and look forward to his purchase of our city!"
The next four years are going to provide endless material to make satire great again! The Hagerstown Report is satire.