Sunday, December 31, 2017

Cloned T-Rex Terrorizes New Years Celebration

HAGERSTOWN, MD - A cloned T-Rex inspired by the techniques used in Jurassic Park escaped from the basement cloning facility of the Discovery Station, and began terrorizing the city today. While authorities spent most of the day searching for the T-Rex, which is named "Tessy", the T-Rex found them today as it sought to get a taste of the giant donut being used in the New Years Eve Donut Drop.

Tessy was cloned in the basement laboratory of the Discovery Station by local mad scientist Brittany Wedd in a program designed to help control the geese population in City Park. She has been trained to only eat geese, but further research has uncovered that Wedd was feeding Tessy Krumpe's Donuts as a "treat" for good behavior. As a result, Tessy has developed a sweet tooth, and sought to get a taste of the giant donut dropped on New Years Eve in Hagerstown.

Fortunately after attempting to bite the giant donut, the lights surrounding the donut briefly shocked Tessy, allowing authorities to subdue her. She is being transported to a secure location near Hagerstown City Park where she will be provided medical care, and evaluated if she is still fit to help control City Park's geese population.

Unfortunately for many Hagerstown residents, unless they took out the optional "Dinosaur Protection" rider on their home insurance or car insurance policies, any damage caused by Tessy will not be covered.

I'll be vacationing on Isla Nublar this summer. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

Frederick School Board Unanimously Votes to Ban Themselves from School Property

FREDERICK, MD - In light of recent news that Aje Hill, a young man who founded a nonprofit aimed at keeping kids out of trouble, found himself banned from FCPS property due to his minor criminal record, the Frederick School Board voted unanimously to ban themselves from school property due to their own minor criminal records.

"Seeing as one of the charges against Mr. Hill was running a stop sign in Atlanta, GA, we had to hold ourselves to the same strict standard." stated one of the school board members.

All of the school board members themselves have a terrible history of parking and speeding tickets, resulting in their unanimous vote that they are unfit to be on FCPS property.

Shortly after conducting the vote, the school board members were escorted off the property by security, and given a no trespass order by FCPS Security Director Scott Blundell.

"Doesn't matter, I wasn't planning on being here much longer anyway." stated Ken Kerr, who is currently using his Frederick school board office as a stepping stone for Maryland State Delegate. Kerr ran on the slogan "Education Matters", is now running under the slogan "Using Education as a Stepping Stone Matters".

It is currently unknown where future school board meetings will be held, since the board members are now banned from FCPS property.

FCPS is still considering renaming to Fredrick County Public Schools. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Saturday, December 9, 2017

Council Approves T-Rex for City Park

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Today the City Council approved adding a cloned T-Rex to Hagerstown City Park. The T-Rex is the first cloned by local scientist Brittany Wedd, and will be fully mature this spring. Much like the park's alligator, the T-Rex, named Tessy, will be trained to only eat geese.

"This is our next step in the geese population control plan" stated a city official, "we believe that between Ally and Tessy, we will finally have the geese population under control."

Visitors to City Park have often complained about the overabundance of aggressive, territorial geese. However, as the city's population control plan enters its final phase, residents will be able to enter the park without fear of being attacked. At the same time, Hagerstown is the only city in the United States to feature a tamed alligator and a cloned dinosaur. In fact, the only other city in the United States to feature a tamed alligator is Lancaster, PA, which purchased one of Ally's offspring for Long's Park earlier this year.

Wedd has been secretly cloning the dinosaur in the basement of The Discovery Station in Downtown Hagerstown. While Tessy is not yet fully matured, she will be old enough to make an appearance at the New Year's Donut Drop, along with Ally. Residents will be able to have their pictures taken with both animals. Early in the spring, Tessy will join Ally in City Park.

Tessy is very friendly, and will only attack if she believes you are a goose, or if you have a lit road flare in your hand. Residents should be cautious not to let their children scream when seeing Tessy, as she is somewhat hard of hearing and may mistake the sound for a goose honk.

If you enjoyed this article, you should totally go donate to The Discovery Station. The Hagerstown Report is satire, and not affiliated with The Discovery Station.

Thursday, November 30, 2017

Underground Test of Hagerstown Nuclear Warhead Successful

Warhead leaving its production facility in Hagerstown
HAGERSTOWN, MD - An underground test of a nuclear warhead produced in Hagerstown was conducted successfully today in an abandoned well near Dover, Delaware. This test resulted in a 4.1 magnitude earthquake rocking the region.

For the past fourteen months, scientists have been working around the clock at the old paper recycling plant across from Municipal Stadium, converting the paper recycling equipment into a large centrifuge capable of creating "yellow cake", the Uranium used in nuclear warheads. Today Hagerstown's first warhead was delivered to the USAF for testing, marking the first time Hagerstown has produced a weapon of war since the shutdown of Fairchild's A-10 Thunderbolt II production in 1984.

"This facility is is now the ultimate power in the universe! I suggest we use it!" exclaimed General Tarkin, responsible for overseeing the development and testing of the warhead.

The company producing the warheads, which is so top secret that The Hagerstown Report is prohibited from publishing the company name, has been contracted twelve additional warheads, with an optional contract year for eight more, should the United States go to war with North Korea.

Warshington County Commissioners were unavailable for comment on how this will affect relations with the recent free transfer of Fort Ritchie to North Korea, as they were too busy verifying the recent firing of Matt Lauer from NBC for inappropriate sexual behavior would not somehow lead back to their own misdeeds.

No Korean dictators blew their top while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Resident Negativity Accidentally Summons The Old God Ythar

Ythar rises above I-70 west of Hagerstown
HAGERSTOWN, MD - The Ghostbusters tried to warn us about this. City Council member Emily Keller even wrote an article about it. But, it's too late. At exactly 9:34 am this morning, Ythar, God of Hatred, arose from his slumber beneath the site of the old power plant, fueled by the growing negativity of Hagerstown's residents.

"Iilth qi mah'shar fhn oorql Ythar!" filled the air over Hagerstown, which roughly translates to You will be the first of many to glimpse the madness of Ythar!"

Ythar is one of the "old ones", an ancient god from when the universe was still young. He laid dormant for millions of years below the site of the Hagerstown power plant.

A local scientist explains what summoned Ythar utilizing a Twinkie, "Well, let's say this Twinkie represents the normal amount of negative energy in the Hagerstown area. Based on this morning's sample, it would be a Twinkie... thirty-five feet long, weighing approximately six hundred pounds."

Most recently, Ythar stated the following as he hovered over Interstate 70, "The Black Empire once ruled this world, and it will do so again! Your pitiful kind will know only despair and sorrow for a hundred thousand millennia to come!"

The fact of the matter is, negativity in Hagerstown has reached an all-time high, and only a cleansing from the great Ythar will fix it.

I stare into the abyss, and the abyss stares back. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Monday, November 20, 2017

City Hires Trained Monkeys to Replace Speed Cameras

One of the "speed monkeys" reviewing a photo of a speeding vehicle.
HAGERSTOWN, MD - At today's City Council meeting, it was announced that the current speed camera program will be phased out and replaced with specially trained primates.

"Research has shown that these trained primates are more accurate, more dependable, and cost less to maintain than the current leased camera system." stated a city official.

The primates being hired by the city have all undergone six months of intense training on estimating the speed of passing vehicles then taking their photographs. Motorists which fail to slow down will have their license plate photographed, as well as their vehicle "tagged" with monkey poo to encourage drivers to slow down immediately.

"We were really excited about the flinging monkey poo part," stated the official, "it really adds a new component to the program that is desperately needed. Before, it would take weeks until a motorist would know they were speeding. Now, motorists are encouraged to slow down immediately to clean off a large brown splatter from their windshield."

The city will start off with three monkeys who will each work for only the cost of food, water, and a small lakeside hut in Pangborn Park.

I'll be a monkey's uncle! The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

WashCo Sheriff Announces Speed Cam High Score Page

HAGERSTOWN, MD - As the first of the new speed cameras come online across Washington County, so does a new feature of the WashCo Sheriff's Office website - Speed Cam High Scores. Each month, the top 10 speed cam violators will have their vehicle make and model featured on the county website, and be awarded with a $40 fine.

"We're embracing the gamer community to raise awareness of just how dangerously fast people go in this county" stated a representative of the Sheriff's Office. "Although in this case, instead of winning a prize, you win a fine for each offense."

The speed cameras in Washington County were turned on November 1, 2017, and currently feature two locations, with more locations to come. The High Score page is sponsored by Hagerstown Speedway.

"Residents should not drive excessively fast to make the high score list." stated the Sheriff's Office.

I feel the need, the need for speed (and a $40 fine). The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Friday, October 13, 2017

Local KKK Member Upset he was "Mistaken for Celtic Ghost"

SHARPSBURG, MD - A local Klu Klux Klan member is starting an awareness campaign after he was mistaken for a ghost last Halloween instead of a racist.

"It really hurts you know, I spend all this time sitting on my porch trying to spread my message of hate during trick-or-treat, and all these kids keep running up and telling me they love my ghost costume."

The Sharpsburg man, who requested to only be known as "John", is a twelfth degree grand dragon samurai voodoo zen master in his local KKK chapter. He started sitting on his porch to try and raise awareness of the "good things the KKK does in our community". When asked for a few examples, he changed the topic.

However, after receiving zero complaints about being a KKK member, and multiple compliments for his "Celtic ghost costume", John is stepping up his game with a large sign that reads "I'm a racist not a ghost".

"I'm really trying to show people that racism is alive and well, and that we're still here!" said John, "The mainstream media has done an excellent job in exaggerating the extent that racism exists in this country, and we're trying to build on that to make a comeback."

John and many like him face huge challenges across the country. Despite overexaggerated reports by sensationalized cable news stations, racism is almost non-existant in the United States today. KKK membership is at an all-time low, with at most probably about 500 members nationwide. In fact, most people have a higher chance of being struck by lightning than meeting a KKK member. The truth of the matter is that racism is dying, and despite media's attempts to breathe life into the ashes, it's simply not coming back.

"It's tough. Nobody comes to the meetings anymore. It's usually just me and my uncle-brother Billy-Bob." said John as he wiped away a tear.

Do grand dragons do the angry dragon? The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Monday, October 9, 2017

WashCo Commissioners Announce Escort Worker Positions

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In wake of recent shakeups due to multiple simultaneous scandals, including sexual harassment and ethics violations, the Washington County Commissioners have announced several job openings for executive assistants. Applicants must be female, under 30, with petite build.

Job duties include taking overseas trips with County Commissioners, providing them emotional support and companionship.

"We feel this is the best solution possible, so that commissioners can restrain themselves from harassing other employees." stated a county official.

No experience is necessary for these positions, but applicants with experience in the adult film industry or escort service industry will be given priority consideration.

Candidates will be screened through an in-person interview in which they will be placed in several compromising positions, then asked a series of questions to ensure they can remain silent about what happened.

All selected employees will be compensated "under the table".

To apply, please come to the Washington County Job Fair held at Mitzi's Strip Club this Friday in Funkstown.

Should there be a sequel to "Debbie Does Dallas" called "Debbie Does Washington County Government"? The Hagerstown Report is Satire.

Saturday, September 23, 2017

Afzali Mind Control Ray Fails - Switches to Sticker Subliminal Message Method

FREDERICK, MD - Frederick County Executive candidate Kathy Afzali experienced a minor setback during the Great Frederick Fair this week. Due to a technical glitch, her mind-control ray failed to power up, extremely endangering her chances of becoming the next County Executive. Fortunately, Afzali's campaign team had a backup plan.

Before being completely banned from the fair, Afzali and her campaign team implemented Plan B - election through subliminal messages.

The strategy is two fold, and almost as foolproof as using the Chewbacca Defense in a court of law.

First, Afzali and her team affix stickers to all children at the fair while talking to their parents. The actual conversation topic does not matter, as long as the parents are distracted long enough to affix stickers on their unsuspecting children.

Now, the most reasonable reaction by parents is to rip the Afzali sticker off their children, and throw it on the ground. Indeed, this is actually what Afzali wants the parents to do, as it's all part of her plan to get elected. The parents have now witnessed Afzali's name associated with their own children, which will ultimately become their reason for voting for Afzali.

Several days before the election, Afzali will begin a radio ad campaign. This campaign will seem innocent, but it is specially designed to trigger the subliminal message which entered the parents mind when removing the sticker from their children. The advertisement will conclude with "think of the children", which then subconsciously shifts the parent's mind towards voting for Afzali - after all, when they think of their own children, they now associate their children with a "Vote for Afzali" sticker.

The Hagerstown Report applauds Kathy Afali and her team on this brilliant campaign strategy, and looks forward to her becoming the next Frederick County Executive.

Jedi mind tricks only work on the weak minded.

We intentionally misspelled Afzali's name in this article several times. Did you catch where?

You just looked didn't find any didn't you?

The Hagerstown Report is satire. Move along.

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Increased Hagerstown Military Presence Due to Crashed UFO

HAGERSTOWN, MD - After several days of increased military aircraft over Hagerstown, investigative journalists have discovered the true reason - a crashed UFO.

Late Monday night an unidentified object was seen crash-landing into the recently dredged city park lake. While no official comment could be obtained, sources have revealed anonymously that the occupants of the spacecraft escaped unharmed, and were suspected to be hiding somewhere in Washington County.

"We believe they mistook the Pod for wreckage, and were attempting a rescue mission," stated one official on the condition of anonymity, "unfortunately the craft collided with a tree and crashed into the lake."

Officials have denied any rumors that the Pod is in fact an alien spacecraft, and have since removed the crashed UFO to a secure location in an empty building outside Hagerstown airport. A local private contractor has been hired to study the craft and reverse-engineer it.

In the meantime, residents should be aware that several extra-terrestrial life forms may be on the loose. It is suspected that these life forms may be able to assume the form of humans, so be on the lookout for residents acting unusual, such as staring blankly into space or forgetting to put on pants - as these may be signs of an alien impostor.

Fortunately, Ally the alligator was already in her winter atrium, so she was not harmed by the UFO crash.

No residents received anal probes from extra-terrestrials while writing this article, though it's quite possible one of them forgot her pants. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Monday, September 11, 2017

Creepy Clowns Try to Lure Local Drug Dealers Into Storm Drains

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Possibly inspired by the release of a recent horror film, there have been several reports of rather creepy clowns attempting to lure local drug dealers into storm drains by offering free narcotics.

"We're all high as hell down here Jimmy! And when you come down here, you'll be high too!" was uttered by one of the clowns according to witnesses.

The clowns are working their way into city storm drains, then tying red balloons to the grates to get others' attention.

Once a drug dealer is seen examining the balloon, the clown then attempts to convince the dealer to join him in the storm drain, making promises of free heroin or other drugs.

"I almost fell for it!" said one local dealer, "but luckily I remembered what happened last time a creepy clown offered me free drugs out of a van, and hell that was just a couple months ago, and my backside is still sore!"

Hagerstown residents are encouraged not to enter any storm drains, even without clowns they can be extremely dangerous.

If shoe size is related to the size of other parts of the body, why aren't more clowns porn stars? The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Dihydrogen Monoxide Found at Scene of Burger King Demolition

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The demolition of the Burger King on Dual Highway has been completed, but local concerns and confusion remains.

Few residents expected the sudden demolition of the local fast food joint, and many wondered why. Today, significant amounts of Dihydrogen Monoxide (DHMO) were found by passersby.

"It's everywhere!" claimed a local resident. "It's covering the entire site, and today there was even some of the DHMO in the sky! It's crazy!"

Dihydrogen Monoxide, aka Hydrogen Hydroxide, aka DHMO, an industrial solvent and coolant, is an "enabling component" of acid rain -- in the absence of sufficient quantities of DHMO, acid rain is not a problem. Significant amounts of DHMO were also present at the recent chemical plant fire in Houston during Hurricane Harvey.

You can read more about DHMO at

If you are concerned about the effects of DHMO on your family, The Hagerstown Report has DHMO protective gear for sale.

Representatives from Burger King and the City of Hagerstown could not be reached for comment.

Eat recycled food. It's good for the environment, and okay for you. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

County Commissioners Approve Toll-Booth Wall Around Hagerstown to Reduce Crime

Artist's sketch of the "Great Wall of Hagerstown"
HAGERSTOWN, MD - In a last ditch effort to control the growing crime problems in Washington County, today the County Commissioners voted unanimously to construct a wall around Hagerstown.

"This is our endgame. We're going to build a wall around Hagerstown, then setup speed-camera powered toll booths to charge anyone entering or leaving the city." stated one of the commissioners, "People won't be able to afford to leave, so crime in the rest of the county will go down."

Residents will be given a 30 day notice prior to the implementation of the toll booths, so that those who wish to permanently leave may do so.

Commissioners denied any preferential treatment when it was announced that the wall would be constructed by a Commissioner's construction company, and another Commissioner's electrical company providing wiring for the flood lights.

Construction of the wall is currently scheduled to begin November 31, 2017.

Local area school children will be asked to paint murals on the outside of the wall, in memory of the once great city.

Just think how much money the county is going to be making when they turn on the new speed cameras! The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

South Hagerstown High School to Drop Rebels Team Name

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Long known for their "Rebels" team name, the South Hagerstown High School is about to get a new team name, thanks to political correctness.

"The Rebels lost the civil war, it's time we erase them from this history books!" claimed Principal Wilhuff Tarkin, "The last remnants of the Old Republic have been swept away forever!"

Some local residents were not happy about the announcement.

"I'm surprised he had the courage to take the responsibility himself." stated parent Leah Organa.

"We must keep our faith in the Republic. The day we stop believing democracy can work is the day we lose it." said local Jamillia Queen.

Principal Tarkin brushed aside the criticism, saying that the renaming of the team "is a statement, not a manifesto."

The SHHS Rebels will become the SHHS Imperials on September 31.

Now witness the power of this fully operational satire site! The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Saturday, July 8, 2017

Commissioners Approve Rename to Warshington County

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Today the County Commissioners approved a unanimous resolution to rename Washington County to Warshington County.

"It's about branding consistency" stated a county representative.

Some companies and consumers had become confused as to where Washington County was, due to the fact that there are multiple Washington Counties across the country, and many local residents pronounce the county name as "Warshington".

Now Wasrshington County can stand out among the other counties, with very little effort required in the rebranding effort.

"After all, many local residents say the name with an R in it anyway, so why not help be consistent."

The name change prompted applause from our county's neighbors to the east. "Fredrick County applauds Warshington County in following suit with our recent name modernization. Many of our residents pronounce our county without the extra E in Frederick, so it only makes sense for Warshington County to make a similar change."

No English teachers were harmed while writing this article, though some may have difficulty reading it. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

How THR found the racist Facebook user behind the Trump wrestling meme

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The racist Facebook user who initially claimed credit for President Donald Trump's tweet that showed Trump torturing The Hagerstown Report in a wrestling match issued an apology Tuesday for the meme and other offensive content he posted -- one day after The Hagerstown Report identified the man behind the account and attempted to make contact with him.

The Facebook user, whose screenname is so racist and vulgar it can't even be printed here, first shared the image on November 31, 2016, at precisely 8:37 pm. Using numerology, our writers were able to use this post as well as digital forensic evidence from the obviously racist photoshop methods to pinpoint his exact GPS coordinates, where we sent in a remote control drone to announce that we are on to him.

Now the user is apologizing, after The Hagerstown Report sent our Italian cousin "Bruno" to the user's home to show him what an actual wrestling match feels like.

"He won't be doing that again!" said Bruno, "the only thing he might be doing is writing a book called Fifty Shades of Black and Blue!"

The user has now apologized, as well as removed all of his offensive "My Little Pony" memes from his personal Facebook page. After posting his apology, the user called Bruno and let Bruno know that he could release his prized alpaca from being held hostage.

Trump has not issued an apology for the tweet, because obviously he's racist.

The user who created the meme is still a racist, but we have blackmail material now, and the user won't be doing anything like this again, or we'll publicly release his personal information.

Checkmate alt-right keyboard warriors. Mainstream media wins this round.

No memelords were injured while writing this post. The Hagerstown Report is satire, which is sadly sometimes mirrored by reality.

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Democrats to Hold Topless Protest in Boonsboro June 14

BOONSBORO, MD - Residents are "shocked and dismayed" by the upcoming topless women protest being held by local Democrats on June 14 in Shafer Park in Boonsboro.

Inspired by recent reports of Ocean City denying topless women on the beach, the local "Resist" group is organizing "Topless Day in the Park" as part of their "Picnic de la Resistance".

The event is planned to be a fun filled day of beer, burgers, brats, and boobies. No wieners will be available or on display.

"We believe the community will come together and support this." stated a local representative. "There's nothing unnatural about a woman's breasts which should prevent their display in public, as long as she's attractive of course!"

Protesters will also have "tip" jars to show appreciation for their protest.

The picnic takes place on June 14, and is sponsored by Mitzi's in Funkstown.

Admission is $10 per person, kids eight and under are free. For ticket information please visit the Facebook event.

Harambe would be disappoint. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Saturday, June 3, 2017

South Korean Firm Announces "Erotic Theme Park" for Fort Ritchie

Artist's Concept of "Happy Fun Palace"
HAGERSTOWN, MD - Today a South Korea firm announced its intentions to develop an "erotic theme park" on the Fort Ritchie land given to the firm for free by the County Commissioners. Among other improvements. the plan calls for a large, phallic shaped tower to be added to the Fort Ritchie castle.

"Much like the Disneyland castle, we want this to be the center of our park" stated a representative of the South Korean firm.

The park, called "Korea Happy Fun Palace", is being marketed as "the best erotic getaway in the world". Promising to provide a fully immersive Korea experience, only women of Asian descent will be hired at the park, and the standard uniform will be a schoolgirl outfit with a very short skirt.

Proposed rides include:

  • The Big "O" - This tilt-a-whirl will provide completely enclosed, private ride cabs complete with sound proofing
  • Mary-Go-Round - Unlike traditional merry-go-rounds, riders will remain stationary in their own private booths in the center of the ride, while employees in bikinis ride the merry-go-round in front of them
  • Slip N' Slide in the DMs - A water slide where riders are shown pornographic images upon reaching the end
  • Bump-her Cars - Similar to traditional bumper cars, but each car features a 3D sculpture of a scantly-clad Korean anime girl
Washington County residents will receive a lifetime fifty percent discount on admission to the park. Children under 12 can be admitted for free.

County officials could not be reached for comment, but it is The Hagerstown Report's understanding that the commissioners received a private preview of the park concept during their trips to South Korea, and commissioners in attendance were rather excited about the idea, despite objections from other county employees.

This may be the first article to start an international incident. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Friday, June 2, 2017

Hagerstown Resident Advisory: City Park Piranhas in Water Supply

HAGERSTOWN, MD - An accidental water main connection reversal valve has possibly released piranhas from City Park lake into the municipal water supply.

Early this morning a construction crew accidentally connected a water main over-pressurization valve backwards, allowing some piranhas to enter the city's water supply. Stocking of the lake with piranhas to address the park's geese population started in January of this year as part of the lake dredging project.

Residents are reminded that the piranhas have been trained to only eat geese, but several cautionary steps should be taken to avoid injury.

  1. When filling the bath tub for children, do not allow them to splash or scream. This activity may be mistaken for a goose, and attract a piranha into the bathtub.
  2. Examine dish water or water drawn for cooking carefully. Piranhas may feel threatened if poured into an enclosed space such as a sink or cooking pot.
  3. Should you discover a piranha in your water, please do not harm it. Instead, carefully pick up the piranha with your bare hand (piranhas do not like rubber gloves) and place the piranha in a 5 gallon bucket filled with water. Please return the piranha to city park lake where it belongs.
City officials have not yet determined how many piranhas have escaped the lake, but assure residents that should the lake not have enough piranhas, Ally the Alligator may take a brief hiatus as the Suns' new mascot and return to the lake.

Piranhas escaping City Park lake would really bite. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Sunday, May 28, 2017

National Park Service to Remove Confederate Monuments from Battlefields

WASHINGTON, DC - Today the National Park Service announced it will be removing all confederate monuments from national battlefields, including Antietam and Gettysburg.

"These monuments honor rebels and traitors. The civil war was over 150 years ago, it's time that those supporting the confederacy move on." stated a NPS spokesperson, "Thanks to the generous donation of the President's salary, we have the funding to complete this important work."

The removal of the monuments is part of the NPS new "friendlier, more inclusive" approach to remodeling its parks in an effort to get families off their computers and smart phones, and back into open spaces. "We really feel that this extends an olive branch to the community that we're all one nation now, and we can move on from the past."

When asked about the usage of his salary to fund the removal of confederate monuments, the President stated "We will crush the rebellion with one swift stroke, and make America great again!"

The President then denied that his quote was stolen from a science fiction movie, and refused further comment.

Local residents in Sharpsburg, MD applauded the move. "Finally we can rewrite the history books and tell everyone that the civil war was a minor incursion, and that the United States swiftly crushed the rebellion." stated local resident Wilhuff Tarkin.

Since 1775, over 600,000 United States military members have died in combat. This Memorial Day, please remember them. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

High Rock to be renamed "Little Rushmore", Featuring $1.2M Harambe Sculpture

Artist's concept of the Harambe sculpture.
SMITHSBURG, MD - Today the Washington County Commissioners approved a measure to rename High Rock to "Little Rushmore", and add a sculpture of "Harambe", the ape killed at the Cincinnati zoo for $1.2 Million.

"We're estimating over $2 million in revenue from speed cams in Washington County, so we figured we should give part of that back to the community" stated a county representative.

The same artist who convinced the City of Hagerstown to spend $100,000 on a racist hate-filled cave drawing along the culture trail, will also create this new sculpture.

"This area keeps giving me more and more money and I love it! P.T. Barnum was right!" exclaimed the artist.

Work on the Harambe sculpture will take place this summer, starting July 5th.

Probably would still attract more visitors than a pile of rocks or a culture trail. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Friday, May 5, 2017

Hagerstown Culture Trail Mural Contains Hidden Hate Symbols???

Click to Enlarge
HAGERSTOWN, MD - A mural along the Hagerstown culture trail may contain hidden hate symbols, much to the horror of local residents and city officials.

The "Mural of Unusual Size" is in fact completely riddled with hidden hate symbols against minorities and women. City officials have no idea what to do next, as the mural cost the taxpayers $100,000 as a commission fee to the artist.

Some of the more obvious hate symbol features of the mural include...

  • An abstract illustration of a hand holding a phallic symbol. This is a symbol often used as a micro-aggression against women and feminists.
  • An abstract illustration of Pepe the Frog, a popular Internet meme used by white supremacists, especially those of the alt-right and anti-Semitic groups.
  • An abstract, backwards illustration of "WPWW", which is a hate symbol abbreviation for "White Pride World Wide".

However, further digging into the mural has discovered even deeper, darker meaning. The mural is painted on the building at 88 Lee Street. The number 88 is actually a numerical symbol used by Nazis. Even worse yet, the mural has been divided into precisely 14 different sections, yet another white supremacist symbol for "14 words". Finally, it is believed that the title of the artwork itself, "Mural of Unusual Size", may be a reference to "unusually large phallic objects".

For your reference, The Hagerstown Report has provided a visual breakdown of the mural. Click on the image to enlarge.

Harambe would be proud of this phallic display. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Local Defense Attorney Pioneers "Dr. Phil" Defense Strategy

BALTIMORE, MD - Today in Baltimore at a hearing for removal of a Washington County Board of Education member, a Western Maryland defense attorney pioneered a new defense strategy - the Dr. Phil defense. In this groundbreaking defense, the defendant feigns ignorance and simply claims that all words or actions were inspired by the Dr. Phil show.

In today's defense, it was claimed that local elected officials can be easily influenced by topics on TV shows. Hopefully, none of our officials watch The Hunger Games (or maybe we'd be better off?) While this newest spin on the Chewbacca defense did not work, it sets new ground for further usage of this strategy. Imagine when bank robbers can simply claim they were trying to raise money for a single mom they saw on the show, or similar circumstances!

To further expand on this concept, perhaps there should be shows which are required viewing for our elected officials. We at The Hagerstown Report have taken the liberty of writing a list of possible shows for other elected officials here in Washington County, in order to help them become better public servants.

  • Washington County Sheriff - The X-Files. What better show to help our top law enforcement officer solve crimes than two of the greatest investigators of all time, Mulder and Scully?
  • Mayor of Hagerstown - Independence Day. When your citycountry is in ruin, what better movie to inspire a strong leader than a movie about fighting till your last breath to keep your citycountry out of the hands of illegal alien invaders?
  • Board of Education - American Pie. There's not better way to get in touch with your students and understand them than this coming-of-age movie. After all, who doesn't enjoy a warm apple pie?
  • State Representative/Senate - The Empire Strikes Back. Because even if you win small victories like blowing up the Death Star, in the end the Democratic Empire is going to cut off your hand.
  • Congressional Representative - We didn't bother picking a movie for this one, because let's face it, our district is so gerrymandered that John Delaney can keep the seat for as long as he wants.

No pies were ruined by elected officials while writing this article, and we'll just tell their mothers we ate it all. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Controversial "Bum Fights Club" TV Show Comes to Hagerstown

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Much like the controversial "Amish Rake Fights" in Lancaster, PA, a new form of entertainment is hitting the streets (literally) across small towns in the greater DC area - the "Bum Fights Club".

In this questionably legal sport, spectators gather around while a reality TV show films two homeless residents who have volunteered to fight each other for a $1,000 prize. The locations of the fights are kept secret as to avoid attracting the attention of law enforcement, and only a handful of selected residents are informed where the fight will be, so that they can bid on the winner.

"It really gives the homeless a chance to pull themselves out of their situation," stated the show's producer, "and at the same time it makes for amazing reality TV!"

The twelve episode show will air on cable television later this fall, and include cities from the greater DC area including:

  • Hagerstown, MD
  • Baltimore, MD
  • Martinsburg, WV
  • Laurel, MD
  • Fairfax, VA
  • Gaithersburg, MD
Participants are provided all safety equipment used by professional boxers, and must follow strict professional boxing rules.

Residents are encouraged that, should they happen upon the show during filming, to place small monetary bids on the winner. The loser of the fight will receive fifty percent of the pot collected, to help pay for medical bills.

Who would win, a homeless street fighter or an Amish rake fighter? The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Children Pose with Alligator on Opening Day for Hagerstown Baseball Team

HAGERSTOWN, MD - It was an evening of fun for all, including local children who got the opportunity to pose with the new team mascot, Ally the Alligator.

Friday the newly renamed Hagerstown Gators baseball team lost 11 to 1 against Ashville, but the kids didn't mind the loss, as they still had a lot of fun.

"She's really friendly!" stated one child who was initially afraid of sitting on the team mascot, "she only snapped at me once, but I know she didn't really mean it!"

Ally the Alligator was previously at Hagerstown City Park to help with geese population control. However, with the dredging of city park, Ally was replaced with live piranhas, which, like Ally, have been specially trained to only eat geese.

The next Hagerstown Gators baseball game will be held at home, at 4:05 PM Eastern.

Fans can purchase Hagerstown Gators baseball souvenirs at the website!

No liability insurance agents had a heart attack while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Saturday, April 1, 2017

The Hagerstown Report Purchased: Will Report Factual News Only

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The Hagerstown Report is happy to announce that it has been purchased by a local newspaper, and will begin reporting factual news stories instead of satire.

The purchase terms have not been officially disclosed, but we're excited to announce that a local newspaper saw the value that The Hagerstown Report brand provides, and that the major newspaper is actually purchasing this site in order to use the name for their own local paper.

You will see the changes take place slowly over the next few weeks, as content at this newspaper's website is migrated to ours.

We look forward to becoming the most trusted name in local news for Hagerstown and Washington County, and see many more years of serving the community!

No editors became rich while writing this article. April fools. The Hagerstown Report is and always will be satire.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Hagerstown to Pay $40,000 for Phallic Rock Sculpture

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In addition to the controversial "Pod" sculpture, today the Hagerstown city council voted to approve another, lesser known sculpture for the culture trail, titled "Rod".

"It's a sculpture by a lesser known Chinese artist, Hung So Lo, and we want to make sure upcoming artists are also well represented." stated a city representative.

For $40,000, the city will transport the sculpture from its current location in Arizona to the side of the culture trail, exact location to be determined.

"It's really hard, finding art that excites people" stated a council member. "But we feel that by erecting this large sculpture, we can show people what our city is truly all about."

While one city council member expressed concern about both sculptures, his concerns were quickly dismissed by the other council members, "It's already budgeted, it's basically free money! The taxpayers won't mind!"

City Council seemed absolutely oblivious to concerns from parents present at the meeting. One parent was quoted as saying "You're really screwing the taxpayers with this!"

Meanwhile, major news outlets scramble to obtain a photo of the sculpture which can actually be aired, the Hagerstown Report has decided to expose this sculpture in all its glory. To do otherwise would be just nuts.

Richard Cranium, Staff Writer, Reporting

Writing this article with a straight face was really hard. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Sunday, March 12, 2017

March East Coast Snow Event May be "Apocalyptic"

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The National Weather Service has revised its predictions for the east coast snow storm, an it doesn't look good. "This is a fundamental shift in weather patterns we've never seen before this late in March."

The National Weather Service is predicting up to 30 inches of snow in a 24 hour period, just in the DC Metro area, starting mid-day Monday.

This type of weather shows a fundamental shift in the Earth's climate. We were wrong, the Earth isn't getting warmer, it's getting cooler - and it's about to do so rapidly.

Residents across the eastern seaboard should expect mass mayhem, including out-of-stock milk, bread, water, and eggs. Cats may be sleeping with dogs, and biblical levels of disease and famine may be witnessed across the land.

Stock up, take shelter in your fallout shelter or basement, and prepare for a long several months. Winter is coming.

UPDATE: Any rumors of this change in weather due to crazy experiments by mad scientist "Brittany Wedd" at the Discovery Station in Hagerstown are unfounded, and such reports shall not be entertained here.

No meteorologists were struck by meteors while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Monday, February 27, 2017

Possible East-Coast Blizzard This Week, Warming Period After

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The National Weather Service has issued a warning that the East Coast could experience significant snowfall on Wednesday night through Thursday, followed by a much warmer several days.

Residents of the Hagerstown area are encouraged to stock up on bread, milk, eggs, toilet paper, and sunscreen.

Residents may also experience discomfort with unusually high temperatures Friday and Saturday.

Temperatures will return to 70 degrees on Sunday.

Seriously, will we even be around for Saturday? The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Saturday, February 18, 2017

Trump Announces New National Security Advisor - A Manatee?!?!?

Washington, DC - Today Donald Trump announced that he has chosen a new National Security Advisor - a manatee.

"We got the idea from South Park" stated a Whitehouse representative. "Manatees are un-corruptible, and can't have ties to any foreign government. Because they're manatees."

Under the new system, a manatee will be given his own tank with "idea balls", which the manatee will then feed into a machine to help decide foreign policy.

"It truly is a remarkable system!"

For a demonstration of how the system works, please visit South Park Studios.

No sea creatures were given control of our nuclear arsenal while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Friday, February 17, 2017

Rich American Politician Seeks Business Partner?

Just got this email! We're gonna be RICH!!!!!

Subject: Dear Respected One, 
Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business relationship with you. I got your contact from the International web site directory. I prayed over it and selected your name among other names due to it’s esteeming nature and the recommendations given to me as a reputable and trust worthy person I can do business with and by the recommendations I must not hesitate to confide in you for this simple and sincere business. I am an American businessman born in Jamaica, Queens. My father was a very wealthy real estate tycoon in New York City, before he passed away in 1999. When my father died, my mother took me and my younger brother Robert special because we are fatherless. Before the death of my mother on 7th August 2001 in a private hospital here. She secretly called me on her bedside and told me that he has a sum of $12.500.000 (Twelve Million, five hundred thousand dollars) left in a suspense account in a local Bank here in New Yotk, that she used my name as her Son for the next of kin in deposit of the fund. She also explained to me that it was because of this wealth and some huge amount of money her business associates supposed to balance her from the deal they had that she was poisoned by her business associates, that I should seek for a God fearing foreign partner in the United States where I will transfer this money and use it for investment purpose, (such as real estate management). Due to a recent political election and my newest position, I am unable to withdraw this money directly.
Sir, we are honourably seeking your assistance in the following ways. 
1) To provide a Bank account where this money would be transferred to.
2) To serve as the guardian of this money. 
Moreover Sir, we are willing to offer you 15% of the sum as compensation for effort input after the successful transfer of this fund to your designate account overseas. please feel free to contact ,me via this email address
Anticipating to hear from you soon.Thanks and God Bless. 
Best regards.
Donald J. Trump

Monday, February 13, 2017

Failed Science Experiment Creates Hagerstown Blackout

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Local mad scientist Brittany Wedd accidentally triggered a blackout while attempting to perform gene splicing in an attempt to create fake dinosaurs.

Wedd was previously caught in her part of the conspiracy to create fake dinosaur bones in an attempt to boost Jurassic Park movie sales.

Insider sources have revealed that this was part of the creation of the upcoming STEAM exhibit at the Discovery Station, and that Wedd is attempting to create actual fake dinosaurs to be featured in the exhibit.

While it is believed that Wedd's experiment was unsuccessful, local officials have been informed that a "disturbingly large, hatched egg" was discovered in the Antietam Creek a few miles away.

Residents should be on the lookout for an upright, walking lizard, approximately ten stories tall. The last known sighting was in the Antietam Creek near the Sun's Stadium.

No museum directors created apocalyptic creatures while writing this article, at least we hope not. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Sunday, February 5, 2017

Western Maryland Secedes, Begins Construction of "Frednexican" Wall

HAGERSTOWN, MD - After several hours of heated debate, Western Maryland has declared its independence from the State of Maryland, and declared its intention to join with West Virginia to form the new state of "West Marginia".

Washington, Allegany, and Garrett counties unanimously declared their secession from the State of Maryland shortly after the state legislature's override of the governor's veto of the sunshine tax.

"We won't subject ourselves to these crazy liberal ideas anymore!" stated one Washington County resident who recently had solar panels installed on his roof, "What if everyone installs solar panels? They're going to burn out the sun and use up all its energy!"

As part of the secession, Western Maryland will not only be joining West Virginia, but also constructing a wall between Washington and Frederick counties.

"This wall will make West Marginia great again, and keep all the Frednexicans from coming to our great state and stealing our jobs!"

Ironically, many Washington County residents commute to Frederick County or beyond for their own daily jobs.

West Virginia officials issued the following statement: "We the people of the great state of West Virginia welcome our brothers and sisters from the panhandle! In order to ensure our security and continuing stability, the states will be reorganized into the first multi-state empire, for a safe and secure society which I assure you will last for ten thousand years!"

Finalization of the secession and construction of the border wall is expected to occur on February 30, 2017.

Pink Floyd should take out a sponsorship on the wall. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Saturday, January 28, 2017

City Park Piranha Project on Schedule

Signs to be posted in City Park
HAGERSTOWN, MD - As previously reported, the project to stock City Park with piranhas is going according to plan, according to city representatives. The piranhas will be used to control the park's geese population, as well as provide a more exotic tourist attraction.

So far, approximately half of the carp have been replaced with the carnivorous fish, which have been specially trained to only eat geese.

"We will be the first park in the country to stock our park's lake with piranhas!" stated a city council member, "Just think of the tourism draw this will create!"

While the piranhas have been trained to only eat geese, small children should not splash or cry if they fall in the lake, or they may be mistaken for a goose.

The current target completion date is February 10, 2017, when approximately 75% of the lake will be piranhas. It is believed that the remaining carp will eventually be removed by "natural forces".

Signs will be posted next week telling visitors that the piranhas are friendly, but warning not to splash or make noise if you should fall in.

The carp that have been replaced during dredging are being taken to Washington County landfill, where they will be disposed of humanely.

Residents are encouraged to visit City Park and take pictures of the piranhas, but please, no swimming.

Piranhas would really take a bite out of our geese population problems. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Top 8 Unusual Items Found During City Park Dredging

Copyright Info

HAGERSTOWN, MD - You won't believe what was found during dredging of City Park lake!

As previously reported, the City of Hagerstown is currently dredging the lake at City Park.

During the dredging of approximately 18,000 cubic yards of sediment on the bottom of the lake, the company contracted to do the dredging has made some rather unusual finds.

Friday, January 20, 2017

Queen Elizabeth Vows to Reclaim America from Trump

LONDON, ENGLAND - "We're going to take back the colonies!" exclaimed United Kingdom Queen Elizabeth.

Shortly after the inauguration of Donald Trump, the 45th President of the United States, Queen Elizabeth announced her plan to retake the United States and make them British colonies again.

The United Kingdom has declared that after its departure from the European Union, the UK will reclaim the United States and form the new nation of Oceania.

Offering diplomacy first, Queen Elizabeth stated that she will first offer Trump to purchase all United States national debt, as well as pay him Eight Billion USD as compensation.

Trump, author of "The Art of the Deal", stated that he would "seriously consider" the United Kingdom's offer to purchase the United States from him.

Not to be deterred, Queen Elizabeth warned that this was a "limited time offer", and that if needed, the United Kingdom shall take back the United States by force.

"It won't take much really, all we have to do is promise everyone in the United States free stuff, and they'll blindly fight for liberation from Trump." stated a spokesperson for the Ministry of Peace.

As part of the acquisition, every United States citizen will receive a free interactive flat-screen television. This revolutionary technology will allow citizens to interact with their politicians in real-time!

George Orwell was psychic, just off by a few years. The Hagerstown Report is satire. For now.

Sunday, January 15, 2017

Hagerstown KKK "MLK Day Rally" Attendance Plummets After "Free Sheetz" Typo Discovered

Not a real photo.
HAGERSTOWN, MD - A local KKK leader is "extremely disappointed" that the planned rally in Hagerstown on Martin Luther King day will have to be cancelled due to lack of interest, following the discovery of a typo in the advertising material.

"Someone accidentally listed the event as 'Free Sheetz' instead of 'Free Sheets'." stated an anonymous spokesperson for the event. "Needless to say, when we notified attendees that they would be receiving a free Klan bed sheet, attendance dropped to two people."

The local grand dragon, who refers to himself only as "Billy Bob", spoke with The Hagerstown Report while gently petting his My Little Pony doll.

"We received a lot of hate messages after people found out they weren't getting free food from Sheetz." stated Billy Bob. "Some of the messages were very hurtful, and I'm afraid I need to cut this interview short so I can go find my safe space."

Billy Bob then attached a safety pin to his KKK outfit, and proceeded to disappear into a coat closet while muttering to himself something about "...but he promised he would make America great again!"

A spokesperson for the local Klan stated that the planned rally will most likely be canceled, as a parade of "two people wearing bed sheets" doesn't send the message of strength they want to send.

Those who were disappointed by the cancellation of the rally are encouraged to visit their local Sheetz and make a purchase from their secret menu.

No Klan leaders poked themselves with safety pins while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire. The KKK is a bunch of assholes.

Saturday, January 14, 2017

HELP WANTED: FCPS Seeks Social Media Coordinator with Boring Personality

Frederick County Public Schools is searching for a person with no personality whatsoever to fulfill their social media coordinator position.

Must be willing to post dull, boring messages on social media, guaranteed not to boost social media likes or follows.

Under no circumstances are any of your social media postings to go viral, or you will be promptly terminated.

Must also sign waiver that your identity may be accidentally compromised due to lax computer security standards.

Pay is terrible, working conditions absolutely horrid.

To apply, please visit FCPS Maryland's website and submit your resume.

Sadly the last person to hold this position was fired because her witty tweets went viral. I thought the goal of social media was to make content go viral, who knew? The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

City Park to be Stocked with Piranhas to Control Geese Population???

Photo by Andrewself
HAGERSTOWN, MD - As dredging of City Park lake begins next week, Hagerstown City Council has begun discussing the future of the lake.

"Since most of the carp will be killed during dredging, we've decided to stock the lake with something a bit more exotic." stated one council member.

Hagerstown City Park has long had a problem with geese overpopulation, but the plan for the lake after dredging solves the problem, as well as increases tourism possibilities.

Instead of re-stocking the lake with carp, the city will stock the lake with Brazilian piranhas, the most aggressive of the species.

"We're working with the same wildlife company which sold us the city park alligator." stated a council member, "Much like Ally, these piranhas will be specially trained to only eat geese."

The city considered putting up warning signs regarding the piranhas, but decided it could negatively impact tourism. Instead, signs will be posted inviting visitors to take pictures of the "friendly, smiling piranhas", with small disclaimers that small children should not splash or cry if they fall in the lake, or they may be mistaken for a goose. According to the Hagerstown city attorney, this disclaimer should be sufficient to release the city of any liability.

As for Ally the alligator, she is being taken to Hagerstown Suns stadium, for their renaming to the Hagerstown Gators, and will become their new mascot. Ally will be taken around the stadium on a leash during games, and children will be encouraged to pose with Ally for photographs.

"This is an exciting time for the city!" stated a council member. "People will flock far and wide to come see the lake stocked with trained piranhas!"

If you think the alligator was crazy, wait till the piranhas find their way into the city water supply. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Trump Inauguration to be Moved to Hagerstown, MD

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Today many residents may have noticed the excessive number of helicopters flying overhead. These helicopters are part of the preparations for the presidential inauguration.

Due to growing security concerns, the presidential inauguration of Donald Trump is being moved to Hagerstown.

The inauguration will take place outside 101 W. Washington Street at noon on January 20th.

"Hagerstown was chosen because of its proximity to the nation's capital, and its overwhelming support of the Trump campaign." stated one of Trump's staff.

Trump will land at the Hagerstown airport in a gold-plated jet, then be escorted to downtown Hagerstown by approximately two hundred volunteers from Washington County. To be eligible to be part of Trump's honor detail, local residents must have at least two tattoos featuring obscenities, or own at least one Confederate Flag. Special considerations may also be provided for those who follow Trump on Twitter.

"This is an exciting time for Hagerstown" stated one of the city council. "We welcome President-elect Trump, and look forward to his purchase of our city!"

The next four years are going to provide endless material to make satire great again! The Hagerstown Report is satire.