Monday, January 22, 2018

City Asks Residents Not to Eat Pod Sculpture

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Amid the "Tide Pod" craze, the Hagerstown City Council has encountered an unusual problem - Tide Pod addicts attempting to eat the granite sculpture "Pod" in City Park, after a prankster keeps dying the sculpture orange and blue.

"Apparently someone thought it it would be funny to make the Pod look like a Tide Pod" said one of the city council members, "they're using water-soluble dye so it washes off without damaging the Pod, but after we clean it off someone sneaks back in that night and colors it all over again."

So far Hagerstown police have caught three people attempting to "take a bite" of the sculpture before the coloring is removed. The city warns that attempting to take a bite of the Pod could result in severe dental damage.

If you have any tips on who keeps changing the colors of Pod, please contact the City Park staff.

No sculptures changed colors while writing this article. The Hagerstown report is satire.

Sunday, December 31, 2017

Cloned T-Rex Terrorizes New Years Celebration

HAGERSTOWN, MD - A cloned T-Rex inspired by the techniques used in Jurassic Park escaped from the basement cloning facility of the Discovery Station, and began terrorizing the city today. While authorities spent most of the day searching for the T-Rex, which is named "Tessy", the T-Rex found them today as it sought to get a taste of the giant donut being used in the New Years Eve Donut Drop.

Tessy was cloned in the basement laboratory of the Discovery Station by local mad scientist Brittany Wedd in a program designed to help control the geese population in City Park. She has been trained to only eat geese, but further research has uncovered that Wedd was feeding Tessy Krumpe's Donuts as a "treat" for good behavior. As a result, Tessy has developed a sweet tooth, and sought to get a taste of the giant donut dropped on New Years Eve in Hagerstown.

Fortunately after attempting to bite the giant donut, the lights surrounding the donut briefly shocked Tessy, allowing authorities to subdue her. She is being transported to a secure location near Hagerstown City Park where she will be provided medical care, and evaluated if she is still fit to help control City Park's geese population.

Unfortunately for many Hagerstown residents, unless they took out the optional "Dinosaur Protection" rider on their home insurance or car insurance policies, any damage caused by Tessy will not be covered.

I'll be vacationing on Isla Nublar this summer. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

Frederick School Board Unanimously Votes to Ban Themselves from School Property

FREDERICK, MD - In light of recent news that Aje Hill, a young man who founded a nonprofit aimed at keeping kids out of trouble, found himself banned from FCPS property due to his minor criminal record, the Frederick School Board voted unanimously to ban themselves from school property due to their own minor criminal records.

"Seeing as one of the charges against Mr. Hill was running a stop sign in Atlanta, GA, we had to hold ourselves to the same strict standard." stated one of the school board members.

All of the school board members themselves have a terrible history of parking and speeding tickets, resulting in their unanimous vote that they are unfit to be on FCPS property.

Shortly after conducting the vote, the school board members were escorted off the property by security, and given a no trespass order by FCPS Security Director Scott Blundell.

"Doesn't matter, I wasn't planning on being here much longer anyway." stated Ken Kerr, who is currently using his Frederick school board office as a stepping stone for Maryland State Delegate. Kerr ran on the slogan "Education Matters", is now running under the slogan "Using Education as a Stepping Stone Matters".

It is currently unknown where future school board meetings will be held, since the board members are now banned from FCPS property.

FCPS is still considering renaming to Fredrick County Public Schools. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Saturday, December 9, 2017

Council Approves T-Rex for City Park

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Today the City Council approved adding a cloned T-Rex to Hagerstown City Park. The T-Rex is the first cloned by local scientist Brittany Wedd, and will be fully mature this spring. Much like the park's alligator, the T-Rex, named Tessy, will be trained to only eat geese.

"This is our next step in the geese population control plan" stated a city official, "we believe that between Ally and Tessy, we will finally have the geese population under control."

Visitors to City Park have often complained about the overabundance of aggressive, territorial geese. However, as the city's population control plan enters its final phase, residents will be able to enter the park without fear of being attacked. At the same time, Hagerstown is the only city in the United States to feature a tamed alligator and a cloned dinosaur. In fact, the only other city in the United States to feature a tamed alligator is Lancaster, PA, which purchased one of Ally's offspring for Long's Park earlier this year.

Wedd has been secretly cloning the dinosaur in the basement of The Discovery Station in Downtown Hagerstown. While Tessy is not yet fully matured, she will be old enough to make an appearance at the New Year's Donut Drop, along with Ally. Residents will be able to have their pictures taken with both animals. Early in the spring, Tessy will join Ally in City Park.

Tessy is very friendly, and will only attack if she believes you are a goose, or if you have a lit road flare in your hand. Residents should be cautious not to let their children scream when seeing Tessy, as she is somewhat hard of hearing and may mistake the sound for a goose honk.

If you enjoyed this article, you should totally go donate to The Discovery Station. The Hagerstown Report is satire, and not affiliated with The Discovery Station.

Thursday, November 30, 2017

Underground Test of Hagerstown Nuclear Warhead Successful

Warhead leaving its production facility in Hagerstown
HAGERSTOWN, MD - An underground test of a nuclear warhead produced in Hagerstown was conducted successfully today in an abandoned well near Dover, Delaware. This test resulted in a 4.1 magnitude earthquake rocking the region.

For the past fourteen months, scientists have been working around the clock at the old paper recycling plant across from Municipal Stadium, converting the paper recycling equipment into a large centrifuge capable of creating "yellow cake", the Uranium used in nuclear warheads. Today Hagerstown's first warhead was delivered to the USAF for testing, marking the first time Hagerstown has produced a weapon of war since the shutdown of Fairchild's A-10 Thunderbolt II production in 1984.

"This facility is is now the ultimate power in the universe! I suggest we use it!" exclaimed General Tarkin, responsible for overseeing the development and testing of the warhead.

The company producing the warheads, which is so top secret that The Hagerstown Report is prohibited from publishing the company name, has been contracted twelve additional warheads, with an optional contract year for eight more, should the United States go to war with North Korea.

Warshington County Commissioners were unavailable for comment on how this will affect relations with the recent free transfer of Fort Ritchie to North Korea, as they were too busy verifying the recent firing of Matt Lauer from NBC for inappropriate sexual behavior would not somehow lead back to their own misdeeds.

No Korean dictators blew their top while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Resident Negativity Accidentally Summons The Old God Ythar

Ythar rises above I-70 west of Hagerstown
HAGERSTOWN, MD - The Ghostbusters tried to warn us about this. City Council member Emily Keller even wrote an article about it. But, it's too late. At exactly 9:34 am this morning, Ythar, God of Hatred, arose from his slumber beneath the site of the old power plant, fueled by the growing negativity of Hagerstown's residents.

"Iilth qi mah'shar fhn oorql Ythar!" filled the air over Hagerstown, which roughly translates to You will be the first of many to glimpse the madness of Ythar!"

Ythar is one of the "old ones", an ancient god from when the universe was still young. He laid dormant for millions of years below the site of the Hagerstown power plant.

A local scientist explains what summoned Ythar utilizing a Twinkie, "Well, let's say this Twinkie represents the normal amount of negative energy in the Hagerstown area. Based on this morning's sample, it would be a Twinkie... thirty-five feet long, weighing approximately six hundred pounds."

Most recently, Ythar stated the following as he hovered over Interstate 70, "The Black Empire once ruled this world, and it will do so again! Your pitiful kind will know only despair and sorrow for a hundred thousand millennia to come!"

The fact of the matter is, negativity in Hagerstown has reached an all-time high, and only a cleansing from the great Ythar will fix it.

I stare into the abyss, and the abyss stares back. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Monday, November 20, 2017

City Hires Trained Monkeys to Replace Speed Cameras

One of the "speed monkeys" reviewing a photo of a speeding vehicle.
HAGERSTOWN, MD - At today's City Council meeting, it was announced that the current speed camera program will be phased out and replaced with specially trained primates.

"Research has shown that these trained primates are more accurate, more dependable, and cost less to maintain than the current leased camera system." stated a city official.

The primates being hired by the city have all undergone six months of intense training on estimating the speed of passing vehicles then taking their photographs. Motorists which fail to slow down will have their license plate photographed, as well as their vehicle "tagged" with monkey poo to encourage drivers to slow down immediately.

"We were really excited about the flinging monkey poo part," stated the official, "it really adds a new component to the program that is desperately needed. Before, it would take weeks until a motorist would know they were speeding. Now, motorists are encouraged to slow down immediately to clean off a large brown splatter from their windshield."

The city will start off with three monkeys who will each work for only the cost of food, water, and a small lakeside hut in Pangborn Park.

I'll be a monkey's uncle! The Hagerstown Report is satire.