Saturday, July 8, 2017

Commissioners Approve Rename to Warshington County

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Today the County Commissioners approved a unanimous resolution to rename Washington County to Warshington County.

"It's about branding consistency" stated a county representative.

Some companies and consumers had become confused as to where Washington County was, due to the fact that there are multiple Washington Counties across the country, and many local residents pronounce the county name as "Warshington".

Now Wasrshington County can stand out among the other counties, with very little effort required in the rebranding effort.

"After all, many local residents say the name with an R in it anyway, so why not help be consistent."

The name change prompted applause from our county's neighbors to the east. "Fredrick County applauds Warshington County in following suit with our recent name modernization. Many of our residents pronounce our county without the extra E in Frederick, so it only makes sense for Warshington County to make a similar change."

No English teachers were harmed while writing this article, though some may have difficulty reading it. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

How THR found the racist Facebook user behind the Trump wrestling meme

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The racist Facebook user who initially claimed credit for President Donald Trump's tweet that showed Trump torturing The Hagerstown Report in a wrestling match issued an apology Tuesday for the meme and other offensive content he posted -- one day after The Hagerstown Report identified the man behind the account and attempted to make contact with him.

The Facebook user, whose screenname is so racist and vulgar it can't even be printed here, first shared the image on November 31, 2016, at precisely 8:37 pm. Using numerology, our writers were able to use this post as well as digital forensic evidence from the obviously racist photoshop methods to pinpoint his exact GPS coordinates, where we sent in a remote control drone to announce that we are on to him.

Now the user is apologizing, after The Hagerstown Report sent our Italian cousin "Bruno" to the user's home to show him what an actual wrestling match feels like.

"He won't be doing that again!" said Bruno, "the only thing he might be doing is writing a book called Fifty Shades of Black and Blue!"

The user has now apologized, as well as removed all of his offensive "My Little Pony" memes from his personal Facebook page. After posting his apology, the user called Bruno and let Bruno know that he could release his prized alpaca from being held hostage.

Trump has not issued an apology for the tweet, because obviously he's racist.

The user who created the meme is still a racist, but we have blackmail material now, and the user won't be doing anything like this again, or we'll publicly release his personal information.

Checkmate alt-right keyboard warriors. Mainstream media wins this round.

No memelords were injured while writing this post. The Hagerstown Report is satire, which is sadly sometimes mirrored by reality.

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Democrats to Hold Topless Protest in Boonsboro June 14

BOONSBORO, MD - Residents are "shocked and dismayed" by the upcoming topless women protest being held by local Democrats on June 14 in Shafer Park in Boonsboro.

Inspired by recent reports of Ocean City denying topless women on the beach, the local "Resist" group is organizing "Topless Day in the Park" as part of their "Picnic de la Resistance".

The event is planned to be a fun filled day of beer, burgers, brats, and boobies. No wieners will be available or on display.

"We believe the community will come together and support this." stated a local representative. "There's nothing unnatural about a woman's breasts which should prevent their display in public, as long as she's attractive of course!"

Protesters will also have "tip" jars to show appreciation for their protest.

The picnic takes place on June 14, and is sponsored by Mitzi's in Funkstown.

Admission is $10 per person, kids eight and under are free. For ticket information please visit the Facebook event.

Harambe would be disappoint. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Saturday, June 3, 2017

South Korean Firm Announces "Erotic Theme Park" for Fort Ritchie

Artist's Concept of "Happy Fun Palace"
HAGERSTOWN, MD - Today a South Korea firm announced its intentions to develop an "erotic theme park" on the Fort Ritchie land given to the firm for free by the County Commissioners. Among other improvements. the plan calls for a large, phallic shaped tower to be added to the Fort Ritchie castle.

"Much like the Disneyland castle, we want this to be the center of our park" stated a representative of the South Korean firm.

The park, called "Korea Happy Fun Palace", is being marketed as "the best erotic getaway in the world". Promising to provide a fully immersive Korea experience, only women of Asian descent will be hired at the park, and the standard uniform will be a schoolgirl outfit with a very short skirt.

Proposed rides include:

  • The Big "O" - This tilt-a-whirl will provide completely enclosed, private ride cabs complete with sound proofing
  • Mary-Go-Round - Unlike traditional merry-go-rounds, riders will remain stationary in their own private booths in the center of the ride, while employees in bikinis ride the merry-go-round in front of them
  • Slip N' Slide in the DMs - A water slide where riders are shown pornographic images upon reaching the end
  • Bump-her Cars - Similar to traditional bumper cars, but each car features a 3D sculpture of a scantly-clad Korean anime girl
Washington County residents will receive a lifetime fifty percent discount on admission to the park. Children under 12 can be admitted for free.

County officials could not be reached for comment, but it is The Hagerstown Report's understanding that the commissioners received a private preview of the park concept during their trips to South Korea, and commissioners in attendance were rather excited about the idea, despite objects from other county employees.

This may be the first article to start an international incident. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Friday, June 2, 2017

Hagerstown Resident Advisory: City Park Piranhas in Water Supply

HAGERSTOWN, MD - An accidental water main connection reversal valve has possibly released piranhas from City Park lake into the municipal water supply.

Early this morning a construction crew accidentally connected a water main over-pressurization valve backwards, allowing some piranhas to enter the city's water supply. Stocking of the lake with piranhas to address the park's geese population started in January of this year as part of the lake dredging project.

Residents are reminded that the piranhas have been trained to only eat geese, but several cautionary steps should be taken to avoid injury.

  1. When filling the bath tub for children, do not allow them to splash or scream. This activity may be mistaken for a goose, and attract a piranha into the bathtub.
  2. Examine dish water or water drawn for cooking carefully. Piranhas may feel threatened if poured into an enclosed space such as a sink or cooking pot.
  3. Should you discover a piranha in your water, please do not harm it. Instead, carefully pick up the piranha with your bare hand (piranhas do not like rubber gloves) and place the piranha in a 5 gallon bucket filled with water. Please return the piranha to city park lake where it belongs.
City officials have not yet determined how many piranhas have escaped the lake, but assure residents that should the lake not have enough piranhas, Ally the Alligator may take a brief hiatus as the Suns' new mascot and return to the lake.

Piranhas escaping City Park lake would really bite. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Sunday, May 28, 2017

National Park Service to Remove Confederate Monuments from Battlefields

WASHINGTON, DC - Today the National Park Service announced it will be removing all confederate monuments from national battlefields, including Antietam and Gettysburg.

"These monuments honor rebels and traitors. The civil war was over 150 years ago, it's time that those supporting the confederacy move on." stated a NPS spokesperson, "Thanks to the generous donation of the President's salary, we have the funding to complete this important work."

The removal of the monuments is part of the NPS new "friendlier, more inclusive" approach to remodeling its parks in an effort to get families off their computers and smart phones, and back into open spaces. "We really feel that this extends an olive branch to the community that we're all one nation now, and we can move on from the past."

When asked about the usage of his salary to fund the removal of confederate monuments, the President stated "We will crush the rebellion with one swift stroke, and make America great again!"

The President then denied that his quote was stolen from a science fiction movie, and refused further comment.

Local residents in Sharpsburg, MD applauded the move. "Finally we can rewrite the history books and tell everyone that the civil war was a minor incursion, and that the United States swiftly crushed the rebellion." stated local resident Wilhuff Tarkin.

Since 1775, over 600,000 United States military members have died in combat. This Memorial Day, please remember them. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

High Rock to be renamed "Little Rushmore", Featuring $1.2M Harambe Sculpture

Artist's concept of the Harambe sculpture.
SMITHSBURG, MD - Today the Washington County Commissioners approved a measure to rename High Rock to "Little Rushmore", and add a sculpture of "Harambe", the ape killed at the Cincinnati zoo for $1.2 Million.

"We're estimating over $2 million in revenue from speed cams in Washington County, so we figured we should give part of that back to the community" stated a county representative.

The same artist who convinced the City of Hagerstown to spend $100,000 on a racist hate-filled cave drawing along the culture trail, will also create this new sculpture.

"This area keeps giving me more and more money and I love it! P.T. Barnum was right!" exclaimed the artist.

Work on the Harambe sculpture will take place this summer, starting July 5th.

Probably would still attract more visitors than a pile of rocks or a culture trail. The Hagerstown Report is satire.