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Saturday, December 9, 2017

Council Approves T-Rex for City Park

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Today the City Council approved adding a cloned T-Rex to Hagerstown City Park. The T-Rex is the first cloned by local scientist Brittany Wedd, and will be fully mature this spring. Much like the park's alligator, the T-Rex, named Tessy, will be trained to only eat geese.

"This is our next step in the geese population control plan" stated a city official, "we believe that between Ally and Tessy, we will finally have the geese population under control."

Visitors to City Park have often complained about the overabundance of aggressive, territorial geese. However, as the city's population control plan enters its final phase, residents will be able to enter the park without fear of being attacked. At the same time, Hagerstown is the only city in the United States to feature a tamed alligator and a cloned dinosaur. In fact, the only other city in the United States to feature a tamed alligator is Lancaster, PA, which purchased one of Ally's offspring for Long's Park earlier this year.

Wedd has been secretly cloning the dinosaur in the basement of The Discovery Station in Downtown Hagerstown. While Tessy is not yet fully matured, she will be old enough to make an appearance at the New Year's Donut Drop, along with Ally. Residents will be able to have their pictures taken with both animals. Early in the spring, Tessy will join Ally in City Park.

Tessy is very friendly, and will only attack if she believes you are a goose, or if you have a lit road flare in your hand. Residents should be cautious not to let their children scream when seeing Tessy, as she is somewhat hard of hearing and may mistake the sound for a goose honk.

If you enjoyed this article, you should totally go donate to The Discovery Station. The Hagerstown Report is satire, and not affiliated with The Discovery Station.

Thursday, November 30, 2017

Underground Test of Hagerstown Nuclear Warhead Successful

Warhead leaving its production facility in Hagerstown
HAGERSTOWN, MD - An underground test of a nuclear warhead produced in Hagerstown was conducted successfully today in an abandoned well near Dover, Delaware. This test resulted in a 4.1 magnitude earthquake rocking the region.

For the past fourteen months, scientists have been working around the clock at the old paper recycling plant across from Municipal Stadium, converting the paper recycling equipment into a large centrifuge capable of creating "yellow cake", the Uranium used in nuclear warheads. Today Hagerstown's first warhead was delivered to the USAF for testing, marking the first time Hagerstown has produced a weapon of war since the shutdown of Fairchild's A-10 Thunderbolt II production in 1984.

"This facility is is now the ultimate power in the universe! I suggest we use it!" exclaimed General Tarkin, responsible for overseeing the development and testing of the warhead.

The company producing the warheads, which is so top secret that The Hagerstown Report is prohibited from publishing the company name, has been contracted twelve additional warheads, with an optional contract year for eight more, should the United States go to war with North Korea.

Warshington County Commissioners were unavailable for comment on how this will affect relations with the recent free transfer of Fort Ritchie to North Korea, as they were too busy verifying the recent firing of Matt Lauer from NBC for inappropriate sexual behavior would not somehow lead back to their own misdeeds.

No Korean dictators blew their top while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Resident Negativity Accidentally Summons The Old God Ythar

Ythar rises above I-70 west of Hagerstown
HAGERSTOWN, MD - The Ghostbusters tried to warn us about this. City Council member Emily Keller even wrote an article about it. But, it's too late. At exactly 9:34 am this morning, Ythar, God of Hatred, arose from his slumber beneath the site of the old power plant, fueled by the growing negativity of Hagerstown's residents.

"Iilth qi mah'shar fhn oorql Ythar!" filled the air over Hagerstown, which roughly translates to You will be the first of many to glimpse the madness of Ythar!"

Ythar is one of the "old ones", an ancient god from when the universe was still young. He laid dormant for millions of years below the site of the Hagerstown power plant.

A local scientist explains what summoned Ythar utilizing a Twinkie, "Well, let's say this Twinkie represents the normal amount of negative energy in the Hagerstown area. Based on this morning's sample, it would be a Twinkie... thirty-five feet long, weighing approximately six hundred pounds."

Most recently, Ythar stated the following as he hovered over Interstate 70, "The Black Empire once ruled this world, and it will do so again! Your pitiful kind will know only despair and sorrow for a hundred thousand millennia to come!"

The fact of the matter is, negativity in Hagerstown has reached an all-time high, and only a cleansing from the great Ythar will fix it.

I stare into the abyss, and the abyss stares back. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Monday, November 20, 2017

City Hires Trained Monkeys to Replace Speed Cameras

One of the "speed monkeys" reviewing a photo of a speeding vehicle.
HAGERSTOWN, MD - At today's City Council meeting, it was announced that the current speed camera program will be phased out and replaced with specially trained primates.

"Research has shown that these trained primates are more accurate, more dependable, and cost less to maintain than the current leased camera system." stated a city official.

The primates being hired by the city have all undergone six months of intense training on estimating the speed of passing vehicles then taking their photographs. Motorists which fail to slow down will have their license plate photographed, as well as their vehicle "tagged" with monkey poo to encourage drivers to slow down immediately.

"We were really excited about the flinging monkey poo part," stated the official, "it really adds a new component to the program that is desperately needed. Before, it would take weeks until a motorist would know they were speeding. Now, motorists are encouraged to slow down immediately to clean off a large brown splatter from their windshield."

The city will start off with three monkeys who will each work for only the cost of food, water, and a small lakeside hut in Pangborn Park.

I'll be a monkey's uncle! The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

WashCo Sheriff Announces Speed Cam High Score Page

HAGERSTOWN, MD - As the first of the new speed cameras come online across Washington County, so does a new feature of the WashCo Sheriff's Office website - Speed Cam High Scores. Each month, the top 10 speed cam violators will have their vehicle make and model featured on the county website, and be awarded with a $40 fine.

"We're embracing the gamer community to raise awareness of just how dangerously fast people go in this county" stated a representative of the Sheriff's Office. "Although in this case, instead of winning a prize, you win a fine for each offense."

The speed cameras in Washington County were turned on November 1, 2017, and currently feature two locations, with more locations to come. The High Score page is sponsored by Hagerstown Speedway.

"Residents should not drive excessively fast to make the high score list." stated the Sheriff's Office.

I feel the need, the need for speed (and a $40 fine). The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Friday, October 13, 2017

Local KKK Member Upset he was "Mistaken for Celtic Ghost"

SHARPSBURG, MD - A local Klu Klux Klan member is starting an awareness campaign after he was mistaken for a ghost last Halloween instead of a racist.

"It really hurts you know, I spend all this time sitting on my porch trying to spread my message of hate during trick-or-treat, and all these kids keep running up and telling me they love my ghost costume."

The Sharpsburg man, who requested to only be known as "John", is a twelfth degree grand dragon samurai voodoo zen master in his local KKK chapter. He started sitting on his porch to try and raise awareness of the "good things the KKK does in our community". When asked for a few examples, he changed the topic.

However, after receiving zero complaints about being a KKK member, and multiple compliments for his "Celtic ghost costume", John is stepping up his game with a large sign that reads "I'm a racist not a ghost".

"I'm really trying to show people that racism is alive and well, and that we're still here!" said John, "The mainstream media has done an excellent job in exaggerating the extent that racism exists in this country, and we're trying to build on that to make a comeback."

John and many like him face huge challenges across the country. Despite overexaggerated reports by sensationalized cable news stations, racism is almost non-existant in the United States today. KKK membership is at an all-time low, with at most probably about 500 members nationwide. In fact, most people have a higher chance of being struck by lightning than meeting a KKK member. The truth of the matter is that racism is dying, and despite media's attempts to breathe life into the ashes, it's simply not coming back.

"It's tough. Nobody comes to the meetings anymore. It's usually just me and my uncle-brother Billy-Bob." said John as he wiped away a tear.

Do grand dragons do the angry dragon? The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Monday, October 9, 2017

WashCo Commissioners Announce Escort Worker Positions

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In wake of recent shakeups due to multiple simultaneous scandals, including sexual harassment and ethics violations, the Washington County Commissioners have announced several job openings for executive assistants. Applicants must be female, under 30, with petite build.

Job duties include taking overseas trips with County Commissioners, providing them emotional support and companionship.

"We feel this is the best solution possible, so that commissioners can restrain themselves from harassing other employees." stated a county official.

No experience is necessary for these positions, but applicants with experience in the adult film industry or escort service industry will be given priority consideration.

Candidates will be screened through an in-person interview in which they will be placed in several compromising positions, then asked a series of questions to ensure they can remain silent about what happened.

All selected employees will be compensated "under the table".

To apply, please come to the Washington County Job Fair held at Mitzi's Strip Club this Friday in Funkstown.

Should there be a sequel to "Debbie Does Dallas" called "Debbie Does Washington County Government"? The Hagerstown Report is Satire.