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Friday, October 13, 2017

Local KKK Member Upset he was "Mistaken for Celtic Ghost"

SHARPSBURG, MD - A local Klu Klux Klan member is starting an awareness campaign after he was mistaken for a ghost last Halloween instead of a racist.

"It really hurts you know, I spend all this time sitting on my porch trying to spread my message of hate during trick-or-treat, and all these kids keep running up and telling me they love my ghost costume."

The Sharpsburg man, who requested to only be known as "John", is a twelfth degree grand dragon samurai voodoo zen master in his local KKK chapter. He started sitting on his porch to try and raise awareness of the "good things the KKK does in our community". When asked for a few examples, he changed the topic.

However, after receiving zero complaints about being a KKK member, and multiple compliments for his "Celtic ghost costume", John is stepping up his game with a large sign that reads "I'm a racist not a ghost".

"I'm really trying to show people that racism is alive and well, and that we're still here!" said John, "The mainstream media has done an excellent job in exaggerating the extent that racism exists in this country, and we're trying to build on that to make a comeback."

John and many like him face huge challenges across the country. Despite overexaggerated reports by sensationalized cable news stations, racism is almost non-existant in the United States today. KKK membership is at an all-time low, with at most probably about 500 members nationwide. In fact, most people have a higher chance of being struck by lightning than meeting a KKK member. The truth of the matter is that racism is dying, and despite media's attempts to breathe life into the ashes, it's simply not coming back.

"It's tough. Nobody comes to the meetings anymore. It's usually just me and my uncle-brother Billy-Bob." said John as he wiped away a tear.

Do grand dragons do the angry dragon? The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Monday, October 9, 2017

WashCo Commissioners Announce Escort Worker Positions

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In wake of recent shakeups due to multiple simultaneous scandals, including sexual harassment and ethics violations, the Washington County Commissioners have announced several job openings for executive assistants. Applicants must be female, under 30, with petite build.

Job duties include taking overseas trips with County Commissioners, providing them emotional support and companionship.

"We feel this is the best solution possible, so that commissioners can restrain themselves from harassing other employees." stated a county official.

No experience is necessary for these positions, but applicants with experience in the adult film industry or escort service industry will be given priority consideration.

Candidates will be screened through an in-person interview in which they will be placed in several compromising positions, then asked a series of questions to ensure they can remain silent about what happened.

All selected employees will be compensated "under the table".

To apply, please come to the Washington County Job Fair held at Mitzi's Strip Club this Friday in Funkstown.

Should there be a sequel to "Debbie Does Dallas" called "Debbie Does Washington County Government"? The Hagerstown Report is Satire.

Saturday, September 23, 2017

Afzali Mind Control Ray Fails - Switches to Sticker Subliminal Message Method

FREDERICK, MD - Frederick County Executive candidate Kathy Afzali experienced a minor setback during the Great Frederick Fair this week. Due to a technical glitch, her mind-control ray failed to power up, extremely endangering her chances of becoming the next County Executive. Fortunately, Afzali's campaign team had a backup plan.

Before being completely banned from the fair, Afzali and her campaign team implemented Plan B - election through subliminal messages.

The strategy is two fold, and almost as foolproof as using the Chewbacca Defense in a court of law.

First, Afzali and her team affix stickers to all children at the fair while talking to their parents. The actual conversation topic does not matter, as long as the parents are distracted long enough to affix stickers on their unsuspecting children.

Now, the most reasonable reaction by parents is to rip the Afzali sticker off their children, and throw it on the ground. Indeed, this is actually what Afzali wants the parents to do, as it's all part of her plan to get elected. The parents have now witnessed Afzali's name associated with their own children, which will ultimately become their reason for voting for Afzali.

Several days before the election, Afzali will begin a radio ad campaign. This campaign will seem innocent, but it is specially designed to trigger the subliminal message which entered the parents mind when removing the sticker from their children. The advertisement will conclude with "think of the children", which then subconsciously shifts the parent's mind towards voting for Afzali - after all, when they think of their own children, they now associate their children with a "Vote for Afzali" sticker.

The Hagerstown Report applauds Kathy Afali and her team on this brilliant campaign strategy, and looks forward to her becoming the next Frederick County Executive.

Jedi mind tricks only work on the weak minded.

We intentionally misspelled Afzali's name in this article several times. Did you catch where?

You just looked didn't find any didn't you?

The Hagerstown Report is satire. Move along.

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Increased Hagerstown Military Presence Due to Crashed UFO

HAGERSTOWN, MD - After several days of increased military aircraft over Hagerstown, investigative journalists have discovered the true reason - a crashed UFO.

Late Monday night an unidentified object was seen crash-landing into the recently dredged city park lake. While no official comment could be obtained, sources have revealed anonymously that the occupants of the spacecraft escaped unharmed, and were suspected to be hiding somewhere in Washington County.

"We believe they mistook the Pod for wreckage, and were attempting a rescue mission," stated one official on the condition of anonymity, "unfortunately the craft collided with a tree and crashed into the lake."

Officials have denied any rumors that the Pod is in fact an alien spacecraft, and have since removed the crashed UFO to a secure location in an empty building outside Hagerstown airport. A local private contractor has been hired to study the craft and reverse-engineer it.

In the meantime, residents should be aware that several extra-terrestrial life forms may be on the loose. It is suspected that these life forms may be able to assume the form of humans, so be on the lookout for residents acting unusual, such as staring blankly into space or forgetting to put on pants - as these may be signs of an alien impostor.

Fortunately, Ally the alligator was already in her winter atrium, so she was not harmed by the UFO crash.

No residents received anal probes from extra-terrestrials while writing this article, though it's quite possible one of them forgot her pants. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Monday, September 11, 2017

Creepy Clowns Try to Lure Local Drug Dealers Into Storm Drains

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Possibly inspired by the release of a recent horror film, there have been several reports of rather creepy clowns attempting to lure local drug dealers into storm drains by offering free narcotics.

"We're all high as hell down here Jimmy! And when you come down here, you'll be high too!" was uttered by one of the clowns according to witnesses.

The clowns are working their way into city storm drains, then tying red balloons to the grates to get others' attention.

Once a drug dealer is seen examining the balloon, the clown then attempts to convince the dealer to join him in the storm drain, making promises of free heroin or other drugs.

"I almost fell for it!" said one local dealer, "but luckily I remembered what happened last time a creepy clown offered me free drugs out of a van, and hell that was just a couple months ago, and my backside is still sore!"

Hagerstown residents are encouraged not to enter any storm drains, even without clowns they can be extremely dangerous.

If shoe size is related to the size of other parts of the body, why aren't more clowns porn stars? The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Dihydrogen Monoxide Found at Scene of Burger King Demolition

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The demolition of the Burger King on Dual Highway has been completed, but local concerns and confusion remains.

Few residents expected the sudden demolition of the local fast food joint, and many wondered why. Today, significant amounts of Dihydrogen Monoxide (DHMO) were found by passersby.

"It's everywhere!" claimed a local resident. "It's covering the entire site, and today there was even some of the DHMO in the sky! It's crazy!"

Dihydrogen Monoxide, aka Hydrogen Hydroxide, aka DHMO, an industrial solvent and coolant, is an "enabling component" of acid rain -- in the absence of sufficient quantities of DHMO, acid rain is not a problem. Significant amounts of DHMO were also present at the recent chemical plant fire in Houston during Hurricane Harvey.

You can read more about DHMO at DHMO.org

If you are concerned about the effects of DHMO on your family, The Hagerstown Report has DHMO protective gear for sale.

Representatives from Burger King and the City of Hagerstown could not be reached for comment.

Eat recycled food. It's good for the environment, and okay for you. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

County Commissioners Approve Toll-Booth Wall Around Hagerstown to Reduce Crime

Artist's sketch of the "Great Wall of Hagerstown"
HAGERSTOWN, MD - In a last ditch effort to control the growing crime problems in Washington County, today the County Commissioners voted unanimously to construct a wall around Hagerstown.

"This is our endgame. We're going to build a wall around Hagerstown, then setup speed-camera powered toll booths to charge anyone entering or leaving the city." stated one of the commissioners, "People won't be able to afford to leave, so crime in the rest of the county will go down."

Residents will be given a 30 day notice prior to the implementation of the toll booths, so that those who wish to permanently leave may do so.

Commissioners denied any preferential treatment when it was announced that the wall would be constructed by a Commissioner's construction company, and another Commissioner's electrical company providing wiring for the flood lights.

Construction of the wall is currently scheduled to begin November 31, 2017.

Local area school children will be asked to paint murals on the outside of the wall, in memory of the once great city.

Just think how much money the county is going to be making when they turn on the new speed cameras! The Hagerstown Report is satire.