Saturday, June 10, 2017

Democrats to Hold Topless Protest in Boonsboro June 14

BOONSBORO, MD - Residents are "shocked and dismayed" by the upcoming topless women protest being held by local Democrats on June 14 in Shafer Park in Boonsboro.

Inspired by recent reports of Ocean City denying topless women on the beach, the local "Resist" group is organizing "Topless Day in the Park" as part of their "Picnic de la Resistance".

The event is planned to be a fun filled day of beer, burgers, brats, and boobies. No wieners will be available or on display.

"We believe the community will come together and support this." stated a local representative. "There's nothing unnatural about a woman's breasts which should prevent their display in public, as long as she's attractive of course!"

Protesters will also have "tip" jars to show appreciation for their protest.

The picnic takes place on June 14, and is sponsored by Mitzi's in Funkstown.

Admission is $10 per person, kids eight and under are free. For ticket information please visit the Facebook event.

Harambe would be disappoint. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Saturday, June 3, 2017

South Korean Firm Announces "Erotic Theme Park" for Fort Ritchie

Artist's Concept of "Happy Fun Palace"
HAGERSTOWN, MD - Today a South Korea firm announced its intentions to develop an "erotic theme park" on the Fort Ritchie land given to the firm for free by the County Commissioners. Among other improvements. the plan calls for a large, phallic shaped tower to be added to the Fort Ritchie castle.

"Much like the Disneyland castle, we want this to be the center of our park" stated a representative of the South Korean firm.

The park, called "Korea Happy Fun Palace", is being marketed as "the best erotic getaway in the world". Promising to provide a fully immersive Korea experience, only women of Asian descent will be hired at the park, and the standard uniform will be a schoolgirl outfit with a very short skirt.

Proposed rides include:

  • The Big "O" - This tilt-a-whirl will provide completely enclosed, private ride cabs complete with sound proofing
  • Mary-Go-Round - Unlike traditional merry-go-rounds, riders will remain stationary in their own private booths in the center of the ride, while employees in bikinis ride the merry-go-round in front of them
  • Slip N' Slide in the DMs - A water slide where riders are shown pornographic images upon reaching the end
  • Bump-her Cars - Similar to traditional bumper cars, but each car features a 3D sculpture of a scantly-clad Korean anime girl
Washington County residents will receive a lifetime fifty percent discount on admission to the park. Children under 12 can be admitted for free.

County officials could not be reached for comment, but it is The Hagerstown Report's understanding that the commissioners received a private preview of the park concept during their trips to South Korea, and commissioners in attendance were rather excited about the idea, despite objects from other county employees.

This may be the first article to start an international incident. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Friday, June 2, 2017

Hagerstown Resident Advisory: City Park Piranhas in Water Supply

HAGERSTOWN, MD - An accidental water main connection reversal valve has possibly released piranhas from City Park lake into the municipal water supply.

Early this morning a construction crew accidentally connected a water main over-pressurization valve backwards, allowing some piranhas to enter the city's water supply. Stocking of the lake with piranhas to address the park's geese population started in January of this year as part of the lake dredging project.

Residents are reminded that the piranhas have been trained to only eat geese, but several cautionary steps should be taken to avoid injury.

  1. When filling the bath tub for children, do not allow them to splash or scream. This activity may be mistaken for a goose, and attract a piranha into the bathtub.
  2. Examine dish water or water drawn for cooking carefully. Piranhas may feel threatened if poured into an enclosed space such as a sink or cooking pot.
  3. Should you discover a piranha in your water, please do not harm it. Instead, carefully pick up the piranha with your bare hand (piranhas do not like rubber gloves) and place the piranha in a 5 gallon bucket filled with water. Please return the piranha to city park lake where it belongs.
City officials have not yet determined how many piranhas have escaped the lake, but assure residents that should the lake not have enough piranhas, Ally the Alligator may take a brief hiatus as the Suns' new mascot and return to the lake.

Piranhas escaping City Park lake would really bite. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Sunday, May 28, 2017

National Park Service to Remove Confederate Monuments from Battlefields

WASHINGTON, DC - Today the National Park Service announced it will be removing all confederate monuments from national battlefields, including Antietam and Gettysburg.

"These monuments honor rebels and traitors. The civil war was over 150 years ago, it's time that those supporting the confederacy move on." stated a NPS spokesperson, "Thanks to the generous donation of the President's salary, we have the funding to complete this important work."

The removal of the monuments is part of the NPS new "friendlier, more inclusive" approach to remodeling its parks in an effort to get families off their computers and smart phones, and back into open spaces. "We really feel that this extends an olive branch to the community that we're all one nation now, and we can move on from the past."

When asked about the usage of his salary to fund the removal of confederate monuments, the President stated "We will crush the rebellion with one swift stroke, and make America great again!"

The President then denied that his quote was stolen from a science fiction movie, and refused further comment.

Local residents in Sharpsburg, MD applauded the move. "Finally we can rewrite the history books and tell everyone that the civil war was a minor incursion, and that the United States swiftly crushed the rebellion." stated local resident Wilhuff Tarkin.

Since 1775, over 600,000 United States military members have died in combat. This Memorial Day, please remember them. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

High Rock to be renamed "Little Rushmore", Featuring $1.2M Harambe Sculpture

Artist's concept of the Harambe sculpture.
SMITHSBURG, MD - Today the Washington County Commissioners approved a measure to rename High Rock to "Little Rushmore", and add a sculpture of "Harambe", the ape killed at the Cincinnati zoo for $1.2 Million.

"We're estimating over $2 million in revenue from speed cams in Washington County, so we figured we should give part of that back to the community" stated a county representative.

The same artist who convinced the City of Hagerstown to spend $100,000 on a racist hate-filled cave drawing along the culture trail, will also create this new sculpture.

"This area keeps giving me more and more money and I love it! P.T. Barnum was right!" exclaimed the artist.

Work on the Harambe sculpture will take place this summer, starting July 5th.

Probably would still attract more visitors than a pile of rocks or a culture trail. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Friday, May 5, 2017

Hagerstown Culture Trail Mural Contains Hidden Hate Symbols???

Click to Enlarge
HAGERSTOWN, MD - A mural along the Hagerstown culture trail may contain hidden hate symbols, much to the horror of local residents and city officials.

The "Mural of Unusual Size" is in fact completely riddled with hidden hate symbols against minorities and women. City officials have no idea what to do next, as the mural cost the taxpayers $100,000 as a commission fee to the artist.

Some of the more obvious hate symbol features of the mural include...

  • An abstract illustration of a hand holding a phallic symbol. This is a symbol often used as a micro-aggression against women and feminists.
  • An abstract illustration of Pepe the Frog, a popular Internet meme used by white supremacists, especially those of the alt-right and anti-Semitic groups.
  • An abstract, backwards illustration of "WPWW", which is a hate symbol abbreviation for "White Pride World Wide".

However, further digging into the mural has discovered even deeper, darker meaning. The mural is painted on the building at 88 Lee Street. The number 88 is actually a numerical symbol used by Nazis. Even worse yet, the mural has been divided into precisely 14 different sections, yet another white supremacist symbol for "14 words". Finally, it is believed that the title of the artwork itself, "Mural of Unusual Size", may be a reference to "unusually large phallic objects".

For your reference, The Hagerstown Report has provided a visual breakdown of the mural. Click on the image to enlarge.

Harambe would be proud of this phallic display. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Local Defense Attorney Pioneers "Dr. Phil" Defense Strategy

BALTIMORE, MD - Today in Baltimore at a hearing for removal of a Washington County Board of Education member, a Western Maryland defense attorney pioneered a new defense strategy - the Dr. Phil defense. In this groundbreaking defense, the defendant feigns ignorance and simply claims that all words or actions were inspired by the Dr. Phil show.

In today's defense, it was claimed that local elected officials can be easily influenced by topics on TV shows. Hopefully, none of our officials watch The Hunger Games (or maybe we'd be better off?) While this newest spin on the Chewbacca defense did not work, it sets new ground for further usage of this strategy. Imagine when bank robbers can simply claim they were trying to raise money for a single mom they saw on the show, or similar circumstances!

To further expand on this concept, perhaps there should be shows which are required viewing for our elected officials. We at The Hagerstown Report have taken the liberty of writing a list of possible shows for other elected officials here in Washington County, in order to help them become better public servants.

  • Washington County Sheriff - The X-Files. What better show to help our top law enforcement officer solve crimes than two of the greatest investigators of all time, Mulder and Scully?
  • Mayor of Hagerstown - Independence Day. When your citycountry is in ruin, what better movie to inspire a strong leader than a movie about fighting till your last breath to keep your citycountry out of the hands of illegal alien invaders?
  • Board of Education - American Pie. There's not better way to get in touch with your students and understand them than this coming-of-age movie. After all, who doesn't enjoy a warm apple pie?
  • State Representative/Senate - The Empire Strikes Back. Because even if you win small victories like blowing up the Death Star, in the end the Democratic Empire is going to cut off your hand.
  • Congressional Representative - We didn't bother picking a movie for this one, because let's face it, our district is so gerrymandered that John Delaney can keep the seat for as long as he wants.

No pies were ruined by elected officials while writing this article, and we'll just tell their mothers we ate it all. The Hagerstown Report is satire.