Saturday, July 8, 2017

Commissioners Approve Rename to Warshington County

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Today the County Commissioners approved a unanimous resolution to rename Washington County to Warshington County.

"It's about branding consistency" stated a county representative.

Some companies and consumers had become confused as to where Washington County was, due to the fact that there are multiple Washington Counties across the country, and many local residents pronounce the county name as "Warshington".

Now Wasrshington County can stand out among the other counties, with very little effort required in the rebranding effort.

"After all, many local residents say the name with an R in it anyway, so why not help be consistent."

The name change prompted applause from our county's neighbors to the east. "Fredrick County applauds Warshington County in following suit with our recent name modernization. Many of our residents pronounce our county without the extra E in Frederick, so it only makes sense for Warshington County to make a similar change."

No English teachers were harmed while writing this article, though some may have difficulty reading it. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

How THR found the racist Facebook user behind the Trump wrestling meme

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The racist Facebook user who initially claimed credit for President Donald Trump's tweet that showed Trump torturing The Hagerstown Report in a wrestling match issued an apology Tuesday for the meme and other offensive content he posted -- one day after The Hagerstown Report identified the man behind the account and attempted to make contact with him.

The Facebook user, whose screenname is so racist and vulgar it can't even be printed here, first shared the image on November 31, 2016, at precisely 8:37 pm. Using numerology, our writers were able to use this post as well as digital forensic evidence from the obviously racist photoshop methods to pinpoint his exact GPS coordinates, where we sent in a remote control drone to announce that we are on to him.

Now the user is apologizing, after The Hagerstown Report sent our Italian cousin "Bruno" to the user's home to show him what an actual wrestling match feels like.

"He won't be doing that again!" said Bruno, "the only thing he might be doing is writing a book called Fifty Shades of Black and Blue!"

The user has now apologized, as well as removed all of his offensive "My Little Pony" memes from his personal Facebook page. After posting his apology, the user called Bruno and let Bruno know that he could release his prized alpaca from being held hostage.

Trump has not issued an apology for the tweet, because obviously he's racist.

The user who created the meme is still a racist, but we have blackmail material now, and the user won't be doing anything like this again, or we'll publicly release his personal information.

Checkmate alt-right keyboard warriors. Mainstream media wins this round.

No memelords were injured while writing this post. The Hagerstown Report is satire, which is sadly sometimes mirrored by reality.