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Thursday, December 29, 2016

Congress Introduces Affordable Firearms Act Requiring Gun Ownership

WASHINGTON, DC - Today congress introduced legislation designed to enable all citizens of the United States to possess a firearm, regardless of income.

Modeled after the Affordable Care Act, aka Obamacare, the Affordable Firearms Act requires all United States citizens without felony records or mental illness to own at least one firearm, or be assessed a 3% income tax penalty.

The bill requires a national firearms purchase marketplace, where those who cannot afford to purchase firearms can obtain one at discount, or depending on income, at no charge.

"There must be a firearm in the home for every person over 16 years of age." stated the house majority leader. "We believe this will significantly help with those who have the right to a firearm for self defense, but are being denied that right due to cost."

Firearm manufacturer stocks soared with the announcement, but several manufacturers expressed concerns that they may be unable to meet production requirements.

President-elect Trump praised the measure on Twitter.


Supreme court experts believe that the Affordable Firearms Act will not be challenged, as it follows the same legal measures as the Affordable Care Act. Attempts to challenge the AFA in court will be struck down, using the precedence already set by the ACA.

"Some people may have concerns regarding the ownership of firearms." stated one congress member. "Fortunately they can file for an exemption under the mental illness clause, by forwarding a copy of their Democrat voter registration card to the IRS."

Game. Set. Match. The comments on this should be hilarious. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Hagerstown Gators Replacing Suns; to Begin Playing April 2018

HAGERSTOWN, MD - With the departure of the Hagerstown Suns in 2018 to become the Gilbertsville Zerns, Hagerstown has found a private baseball team to take their place.

In 2018, in honor of Hagerstown's newest mascot Ally the Alligator (currently residing in City Park), Hagerstown will have a new baseball team, the Hagerstown Gators.

"We look forward to our partnership with this new baseball team, and truly believe we can help them break their losing streak" stated one of the city council members.

The Gators, previously known as the Springville Lions, are currently in a 231 game losing streak across multiple seasons. The team's owner, Edward Burns, believes that the change in location may be exactly what the team needs.

As part of the move, The Hagerstown Report has become the exclusive licensee of Hagerstown Gators merchandise, which you can buy from our online store.

The Hagerstown Report wishes the Suns good luck, and welcomes the Hagerstown Gators in 2018!

The Suns aren't really leaving yet, but if we don't do something Hagerstown might lose baseball forever. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Local Museum Director Caught in Global Conspiracy Faking Dinosaurs Existence

The actual book used in the conspiracy
HAGERSTOWN, MD - A local museum director has been discovered to be part of a global conspiracy faking the existence of dinosaurs. Discovery Station Director of Operations Brittany Wedd has been communicating with other museum directors across the globe to make the world's population believe that dinosaurs actually existed millions of years ago.

Hagerstown Report investigative reporter Loo Scallywag has discovered that Wedd as well as others have been communicating using a secret underground network of iron pipes, tapping out their communication with each other using Morse Code.

Hagerstown Report was tipped off when an anonymous local resident reported that they had proof Wedd was digging complex tunnel systems underground using the witchcraft she calls "science", and planting deep underground collections of chicken bones in patterns designed to fool paleontologists into believing they are the remnants of dinosaurs. Wedd would even use the same witchcraft to alter the carbon dating of the fossils, further tricking paleontologists.

The mastermind behind this operation is Steven Spielberg. Readers may recall, Spielberg is not only the producer/director of several movies in the Jurassic Park series, but also an avid hunter of wild triceratops. Hagerstown Report has uncovered definitive proof of the Wedd-Spielberg connection, through the selfie taken by Wedd below. The ultimate endgame of this global conspiracy is to increase interest in the Jurassic Park movie franchise, and continue its production through the 21st century.

Wedd with Spielberg during a triceratops hunting trip

The Hagerstown Report will keep its readers updated as more information about this conspiracy develops.

The Discovery Station is really an awesome place, you should check it out! The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Saturday, December 10, 2016

EDITORIAL: The Fake War on Fake News

The Hagerstown Report is satire. In fact, this is probably the only serious post you'll ever read on this site.

However, I think it's time to get something off my chest. As a satire writer and supporter of liberty, I'm currently terrified by this whole "war on fake news". I am absolutely terrified that satirical criticism of events and politicians will quickly become taboo, labeled as "trouble making", and satire writers targeted for trying to make people think and do their own research.

I purposely make Hagerstown Report articles extremely off-the-wall and unbelievable, and yet some people still believe them! I don't write these articles to trick people, I write these articles to entertain while also pointing out serious issues in our society. Are we so blinded now, believing everything we read, that we don't take the time to question if what we're being told is accurate or not?

You see, the war on "fake news" isn't really a war on fake news. Traditional news media is dying, because in-part people don't trust mainstream media anymore.

And why should they? When major news corporations scream about fake news, but then have to quietly issue retractions about their own fake news articles, perhaps it's time people around the world started doing research on their own, weighing multiple sources before deciding what's real or how they should feel about it.

When anyone can be considered a journalist thanks to social media, the real media is struggling to stay relevant.

Don't get me wrong, there are problems with people spreading false information. However, this isn't a new problem. Let's not forget this country was founded, in part, due to fake news and over-exaggerations regarding the British firing on unarmed civilians in Boston. Compare this incident to recent BLM protests and you start to realize that we have a very long history of stretching the truth for political gains. I don't say this because I am against any of these causes, but only in an attempt to objectively look at what's happening in this country.

The problem with all of these arguments about "fake news" is that people are complaining "the Government should do something!" or "Facebook should do something!".  Allow me to translate this into something a bit more meaningful: "Someone (in authority) should do something (censorship) because I'm too lazy to do my own research, and want everything spoonfed to me."

You don't want that! You don't want the government or the media or someone in authority to "do something".  It won't end well! If you truly want someone in authority to make sure only "the truth" is published, you won't end up with the truth, but merely a bunch of lies presented as the truth, with no ability to refute the evidence! Just ask North Korea's citizens how that's working out for them.

For a people to be truly free, they must be independent thinkers. Do your own research, don't rely on someone else to tell you what's going on, or you're only just going to end up buying into whatever agenda they're spoon feeding you.

Friday, December 9, 2016

CONFIRMED: Hagerstown Suns Moving in 2018 to Gilbertsville, PA

HAGERSTOWN, MD - After several failed deals to reach an agreement on a new stadium in Hagerstown, the Suns are packing their bags and moving to Gilbertsville, PA.

Gilbertsville, population 4,000, is a small community in southeastern PA, and is truly the definition of a small town.

"We received an offer from the Amish community to bring baseball to help increase tourist revenue. It turns out that leading a public life of simplicity, while secretly watching TV and playing PlayStation when you get home from the farmer's market seems to attract gullible Americans willing to pay top dollar for hand-crafted stuff that's way overpriced."

As part of the move, the Suns will become the Gilbertsville Zerns, and play in a small bleacher-only stadium being constructed at the Zerns Farmers Market.

Gilbertsville residents are absolutely thrilled that baseball will be coming to their small town. "Martha and I can't wait to see all the horse and buggies parked by the stadium at game time! It's really going to bring the community together!"

Fortunately for Hagerstown residents, with the move to Gilbertsville, plans to fill the stadium with water and add a cruise ship can proceed on schedule.

Many thanks to People of Lancaster for sharing the information about Zerns Farmers Market on their Facebook page.

The similarities to Zerns logo and the Suns logo are scary. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Monday, December 5, 2016

Hagerstown Christmas Decorations go Horribly Wrong

Photo of the decorations which remained up only one night.
HAGERSTOWN, MD - In a moment of laughter, horror, and confusion, the Hagerstown City Council realized that their purchase of new decorations for downtown has gone horribly wrong.

"We had to take them down right away, after receiving complaints" stated one of the council members.

The city was absolutely excited when a Chinese supplier "Hue G. Dong" submitted the original bid of only one million dollars for delivering new lights to the city. The original budgeted amount was five million dollars.

Unfortunately, the city has come to realize that the large discount ultimately resulted in the city dangling decorations not fit to expose to the public.

"It's a tough situation to swallow." stated another council member. "I think we really got screwed."

None of the city council would directly discuss what the specific complaints were with the new decorations, other than "Immediately after erecting the new lights, we realized going with the lowest bidder might have really shafted us in the end."

The city is reviewing its options and considering sending a missionary to China to discuss their position on the matter. It is rumored that former County Commissioner Spong may be enlisted to help, since he is supposedly an expert at getting numbers on their backs to do what they want.

This article would have been more entertaining if Dick Trump was still mayor. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Friday, November 25, 2016

CVS Manager Accidentally Orders Fart Scented Perfume, AGAIN!

HAGERSTOWN, MD - A local CVS manager was in shock when, for the second year in a row, the Wilson Blvd. store received "ass fragrances" instead of boxes of assorted fragrances.

"I thought I entered the right order code this year!" stated the manager.

The company shipping the fragrances would not refund the products ordered by mistake, leaving the CVS with more of the horrible smelling perfume to try and sell.

Last year, the store received approximately 500 gift sets. Most of these sets actually sold, as residents thought "ass fragrances" was a typo. Much to their horror, the perfume really does smell like flatulence.

"I don't think they'll fall for it again this year" said an employee who wished to remain anonymous.

The gift sets will be available through Christmas.

Should CVS sell out, they are also available on Amazon.

This story really stinks. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Sunday, November 13, 2016

Hagerstown Mayor Race Declared Tie

Jonathan Hager's Dueling Pistols
HAGERSTOWN, MD - The votes are finally counted, and residents won't believe the result. Incumbent Mayor Gysberts and former Mayor Bruchey received the exact same number of votes.

Fortunately, the Hagerstown charter, written by Jonathan Hager in 1762, allows for a quick and decisive resolution to the tie. Both candidates will have a duel in Hagerstown town square within ninety days of the election.

The charter requires the two candidates use the dueling pistol set originally owned by Jonathan Hager himself, which are said to contain "divine powers" which will ultimately help decide the winner of the election.

The rules are simple. Gysberts and Bruchey will each have one shot. The survivor becomes Mayor.

Currently, odds are 2 to 1 that Bruchey will win the duel, as he has extensive firearms training throughout his career. However, very little is known about Gysberts' hobbies, and he may surprise us and be an excellent marksman.

The duel is currently scheduled for Thursday, November 31, at 12 noon. The Hagerstown charter requires the duel be precisely at noon, so as neither candidate will have an advantage over the other with the position of the sun.

Since Gysberts is the incumbent, he will have the choice of which side of Potomac street he wishes to stand on.

Did you know muzzle loaders aren't actually considered firearms? The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Mexico and Canada Volunteer to Pay for Trump's Border Wall

In a surprise move, today Canada and Mexico both agreed to construct walls between the United States and their countries.

"I didn't even have to ask them!" stated President-Elect Donald Trump.

Both countries have suddenly found themselves with a shocking amount of illegal immigrants from the United States - mostly US residents looking to escape the country before Trump takes office.

"It was so bad, our immigration website crashed last night" stated a Canadian official, "I mean yea our website is powered by green energy, and we had to bring in a second exercise bike to power the server aye! But it's working again now!"

Some border jumpers were quite surprised upon reaching the country of their destination. "What do you mean you need n ID to vote in Canada and Mexico? Don't these people know it's clearly racist!"

Furthermore, must to their surprise, Mexico has a strict anti-illegal immigration law, and violators could be faced with jail time.

"I really didn't realize that these other countries were more strict than us on this stuff!" claimed one border jumper as he was being detained by Mexican authorities.

Mexican drug cartels have already started creating their own border patrol groups, detaining any United States citizens who attempt to enter the country illegally.

Pink Floyd would be proud. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Monday, October 24, 2016

You Won't Believe Why They Should Rename Hagerstown's Wilson Blvd

Woodrow Wilson, Democrat Party Hero
HAGERSTOWN, MD - On the southern part of Hagerstown, connecting Alternate 40 and Route 11, is a well traveled road named Wilson Blvd, a road which desperately needs renamed.

For those not aware, Wilson Blvd. is actually named in honor of President Woodrow Wilson, with a monument at the eastern end of the road dedicated in his memory.

Most Hagerstown residents think of Food Lion (oops sorry, Shop and Save), Pro Pools, Life House Church, Minnich Funeral Home, and the Ag Center.

However, nestled in its Presidential roots is a much darker secret few think about.

Woodrow Wilson, a Democrat, was most likely the most racist president of the 20th Century, and was personally responsible for racial segregation, and the removal of racial integration into the civil service, and ultimately leaving behind a terrible legacy which has taken decades for the Democrat party to get people to forget about.

Now, we at the Hagerstown Report do not know the full story behind how Wilson Blvd. received its name. However, we do know that there is great irony in the fact that one of Hagerstown's divided roads is named after a president who supported racial segregation and division.

While statues and memorials nationwide are being taken down and schools being renamed from Confederate leaders, because they're considered racist, isn't it time that Hagerstown follows suit, and renames Wilson Blvd? In our opinion, this is a much more important topic than, for example, building a new walking trail, or adding red light cameras. Or does Wilson get a pass?

But what would we rename Wilson Blvd to?  The Hagerstown Report would love to hear from our readers their name suggestions!

Typically The Hagerstown Report is satire, but sadly this story is actually completely factual. Some sarcasm has been added for effect.

Friday, October 21, 2016

Hagerstown Walking Trail to Feature Million Dollar Harambe Statue

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Today Hagerstown unveiled plans to include in the downtown city walking trail a three foot statue commemorating Harambe, the ape killed at Cincinnati Zoo.

"Harambe truly was an inspiration for us all" stated a city council member, "he was taken from us far too soon."  The city council member was arrested moments later for indecent exposure.

The statue was funded through Hagerstown speed camera funds, and is devoted to "teaching children peace". The overall cost of the statue is estimated at $1.2 million, part of which will be distributed as a kickback to each city council member who votes to approve the statue.

Some Hagerstown residents questioned if the statue was a good idea.

"We all know Harambe had incriminating evidence against Hillary Clinton and that's why he was killed. Will this put our small town in the crosshairs of Hillary's goons?" asked one resident who happened to be wearing a tinfoil beanie.

"Couldn't they have spent the money on something better? Like maybe some books to actually teach kids, instead of memorializing some ape?" asked another resident who was then beaten by an angry mob screaming "Harambe wasn't just an ape!"

As the statue has not been finalized, Hagerstown residents are encouraged to call city hall and weigh in their thoughts.

Please, no phallic displays at City Park. Nobody wants to see that. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Halloween Canceled Due to National Clown Epidemic

Washington, D.C. - Today President Obama announced that Halloween is canceled this year due to the large number of clown sightings across the country.

"I'm signing an executive order which prohibits trick or treat, costume parties, or the like." stated the President.

Citing public safety, the President signed today an unprecedented executive order affecting the celebration of a day which isn't even recognized as a Federal holiday.

There is, however, a silver lining. While Halloween may be canceled, United States residents can still get in their fill of horror and screams on November 8. You may even get to see a few clowns.

Trick, but the comments will be treats! The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Sunday, October 9, 2016

You Won't Believe who The Hagerstown Report Endorses for President



HAGERSTOWN, MD - After much debate, The Hagerstown Report has decided to follow suit with several other news organizations across the globe and announce our endorsement for President of the United States.

We find ourselves faced with a decision of paramount proportions.

This candidate wants to unify not just the United States, but the entire world, for a single cause.

Unfortunately, our candidate is not without his flaws. Many feel this candidate wants too much power, or that the candidate is a warmonger who shall only bring us death and destruction. The Hagerstown Report rejects those statements, and feel that our candidate will do what is right for our country and the rest of the world.

That is why we at The Hagerstown Report officially endorse Cthulhu, the Great Old One, for President of the United States. When faced with a choice of two evils, why settle for the lesser evil?

Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn. The Hagerstown Report is Satire.

Sunday, August 7, 2016

Water-Powered Mars Rocket Launch from Hagerstown Sept. 10, Local Resident Prepares for Trip

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Local resident Brittany Wedd, Director of Operations at the Discovery Station, is currently preparing for her seven month trip to the big red planet, Mars.

Wedd has designed her own rocket and launch pad using leftover parts from the old Fairchild aircraft manufacturing plant, as well as a little SCIENCE!

In order to prepare for the trip, Wedd must spend several hours each week in a pressure chamber. This will allow her body to adjust to the atmosphere on Mars and breathe without a space suit. During the trip, Wedd's spacecraft will slowly reduce the atmospheric pressure and oxygen mix to match Mars levels.

Due to the size of the spacecraft, Wedd will have to embark upon this journey by herself in a pressurized chamber. Wedd's mission will last a total of 2 years, between travel time to and from Mars, and exploring the surface. While on the surface of Mars, Wedd will attempt repairs on one of the Mars rovers.

While Wedd trains physically and mentally for her journey, construction planning is underway on South Prospect street to build the water launch system.

"We've never really considered the Hagerstown area viable for spacecraft launches, but our engineers assure us it's a perfectly safe design." stated an official with NASA.

The spacecraft itself will use a magnetic flux capacitor water launch system, eliminating much of the fuel needs for the journey. Wedd developed the propulsion system herself, after building a prototype out of Legos.

The full scale launch system will be installed on South Prospect street, taking up a large section of Baltimore Street. The launch system itself resembles a large water slide. Launch is currently scheduled for Saturday, September 10th between 11 am and 3 pm.

Residents interested in attending the launch can purchase tickets online here.



No museum directors were launched into space while writing this article, but you really should read her story about her struggles with Lyme Disease. The Hagerstown Report is Satire.

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Three Secret Legendary Pokemon Discovered in Washington County Maryland

Tired of catching rats, birds, and caterpillars?

Want  to catch unique Pokemon with powerful attacks and unique appearances?

Look no further! The Hagerstown Report has assembled a guide of Washington County, MD's rarest Pokemon!

Allygator

This water-type Pokemon is rumored to have been intentionally placed in Hagerstown City Park to control the Rattata population. Allygator looks much like an alligator. Rumor has it that this Pokemon can only be caught on September 31 of each year.

Known Moves

Bite - A normal attack in which Allygator chomps upon the enemy Pokemon.

Submerge - A water attack in which Allygator disappears under the surface of City Park lake, then reappears after the next article is published.


Discovrasaurus

This ground-type Pokemon is rumored to inhabit the Discovery Station in downtown Hagerstown. The Pokemon can be very frequently seen, but to this date no-one has been able to catch it.

Known Moves

Roar - A normal attack in which Discovrasaurus lets out a ferocious roar, and waves its small hands menacingly. This move isn't very effective.

SCIENCE! - A psychic attack in which Discovrasaurus confuses the enemy Pokemon with random dinosaur facts.



Frychikachu

This flying-type Pokemon can only be caught at AC&T gas stations. So far it has only been caught once at the Lappans/Sharpsburg Pike AC&T, by singing "Spin me right round baby right round" while spinning the nearby Pokestop.

Known Moves

Fry - A fire attack in which the enemy Pokemon is breaded, then fried in a deep fryer.

Finger Lick - A psychic attack in which the enemy Pokemon is distracted by amazingly delicious food, and forgets to attack for one turn.




Have you discovered any rare Pokemon around the Tri-State area? If so, please share below!

Of course these Pokemon aren't real. But you should visit all these places anyway! The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Sunday, July 10, 2016

Hagerstown City Council Passes Emergency Pokemon Ban

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In response to recent surge in popularity of the new mobile app "Pokemon Go", the Hagerstown City Council has passed an emergency ban on hunting Pokemon within city limits.

"We have received numerous complaints about Pokemon hunting. While we understand that Pokemon are only captured and not killed, this is still a serious issue. These small creatures deserve their freedom, and hunting of any kind, including trapping of Pokemon, is strictly prohibited within city limits." stated one council member.

With an unanimous vote, and endorsed by the Mayor, the Council then enacted the Endangered Pokemon Protection Ordinance of 2016. As part of the ordinance, the following are expressly prohibited within the City of Hagerstown:

  • Hunting or Trapping of Pokemon
  • Fighting of Pokemon for Sport, Entertainment, or Gambling
  • Trafficking in Pokemon caught inside or outside city limits
"Contrary to popular opinion, this does not prohibit the usage of the Pokemon Go app within city limits. The app may still be used to photograph and document wild Pokemon in their natural habitat." stated the mayor.

If you are aware of anyone violating the Endangered Pokemon Protection Ordinance, please call the City of Hagerstown's tip line..

No Pokemon were harmed or trapped while writing this article, but if you call the city hall I'm sure the Mayor will love to hear from you anyway. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Friday, June 24, 2016

#Wexit Movement Gains Steam in Western Maryland

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In wake of the #Brexit UK departure from the European Union, a new revival has been found for the Western Maryland secession from Maryland, now fondly referred to as #Wexit.

Those associated with the campaign originally considered "#Maxit" or "#Waxit", but feared those hashtags may become confused with weight loss or car care advertising campaigns.

Local residents weighed in on the #Wexit movement, and seemed very supportive.

"Dem dern liberals in Annapolis dun know nuttin." stated one Washington County resident. "Out here we get us some hooch and some noise makers en we hae ourselves a good ol'time at the farm!"

Another resident event went so far as to state that Western Maryland should completely secede from the US, "Britain left the union and so should we!" The resident seemed unaware that the European Union and United States are two separate countries. However, the resident's confusion is understandable, since a significant number of UK residents searched Google for "What is the EU" on the day AFTER they voter to break ties with the EU. Perhaps they should have searched this topic before voting?

The top reason for #Wexit supporters to secede from Maryland? "Snow Mexicans". According to several local residents, they are tired of "freeloaders from the north moving here and corrupting our youth with their socialist ways."

While the constitution does allow for the creation of new states within existing ones, such an act would require the approval of the Maryland legislature.

Maryland Congressman John Delaney was unavailable for comment, as he was too busy throwing a temper tantrum in DC that Republicans won't let him try to take away firearms from his own constituents. Ironically, in his office in DC, he has the luxury of being protected by armed guards.

In other news, it has been rumored that the UK will now abandon the Metric system in favor of the US Standard system, to completely sever ties with the EU. "Good luck you bloody immigrants, you'll never figure out our math system now you buggers!"

#Waxon, #Waxoff. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Hagerstown Residents Rejoice as House Sits on Congress Floor in Protest

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Local residents reacted with glee as they learned about the House Democrat protest currently occurring in the Capitol Building.

"You mean they're just sitting there not doing anything? That's the best news I heard all day!" stated one excited Hagerstown resident.

Democrat protesters threw a temper tantrum and sat down in the middle of the House floor screaming like a spoiled child who was just told by a parent they couldn't have a piece of candy.

"I sure hope the Republicans sit down and join them, then we won't have to worry about any new laws being passed and screwing up the country further." another resident stated. "Can we have a bipartisan protest and congress never pass another law again? That would be the best thing to ever happen to this country!"

Other residents weren't quite so enthusiastic.

"I mean, is this really any different from what they normally do every day? At least when they're sitting in the middle of the floor we know they're not getting their pockets stuffed with cash by corporate sponsors." said a disgruntled resident.

The Senate is currently taking up a collection for their dysfunctional brethren, so that babysitters can come in and provide the protesting representatives a pillow and blanket.

"Those representatives have a hard time living off the taxpayer dime and working only 133 days a year - almost half of what most blue collar Americans work. It's clear to me these representatives, most of whom come from wealthy families and aren't used to working anyway, are over worked and need their safe space." stated Gersh Kuntzman, who then immediately claimed he was still suffering flashbacks from firing an AR-15 and went into a strange meditative state.

Is there a GoFundMe for Gersh Kuntzman's PTSD treatment yet? The Hagerstown Report is satire.

BREAKING: Alligator Safely Returned to City Park

Ally with one of her handlers.
HAGERSTOWN, MD - After two days, and a foot chase through a thunderstorm, Ally the alligator is safely back in City Park.

Former Mayor Bob Bruchey single-handedly chased Ally as she dashed across a semi-flooded Suns Stadium and rescued her from her lost and confused journey around Hagerstown.

"We're sure glad she's safe and back here with us!" stated one of Ally's handlers. "We were absolutely amazed that none of our city cameras could locate her. We've got camera technology that can read a license plate from 200 yards at 50 MPH, but it can't find a giant alligator moving at 5 MPH."

Ally will spend tonight in her normal winter location until examined by a veterinarian. She will then be returned to City Park to control the geese population.

A special thanks to all of the Hagerstown residents who called to report where Ally was spotted, and ensuring no harm came to her.

In related news, the City of Hagerstown will soon be accepting bids on bringing a male alligator to mate with Ally. Offspring will be trained to only eat geese as well, then sold to other municipalities.

The City of Hagerstown estimates that this "All natural geese control" program will ultimately replace the dying speed camera revenue, since Hagerstown residents have figured out to slow down when passing the large metal boxes, and speed back up once out of sight of the camera.

Bruchey poses after rescuing the alligator
Do you know the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? Neither do we. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Monday, June 20, 2016

Hagerstown Alligator Escapes on First Day Back at City Park

UPDATE: The Alligator has been safely returned to City Park.

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Ally the Alligator, who was purchased by the City of Hagerstown and placed in City Park to control the geese population, escaped on her first day back in the park this year.

The town council decided to wait for the first day of summer to release Ally back into City Park, because they needed to make sure the water was warm enough for her.

"She's been cooped up in a heated shack for most of the winter, and I guess she needed to stretch her legs." stated one city official.

Residents are once again reminded that should they encounter the alligator, under no circumstances should you make any honking noise, or she may mistake you for a goose. Ally is trained to only eat geese.

Ally was last seen by the McDonalds at Long Meadow. If you see Ally, please do not approach her, but contact the town hall so that they may pick her up.

Additionally, should you see Ally, please keep your pets inside.

Ally the Alligator is the gift that just keeps on giving, eventually we'll have a sports team "The Hagerstown Gators".  The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Sunday, June 19, 2016

You Won't Believe Why This Hagerstown Woman is Protesting Father's Day

HAGERSTOWN, MD - A Hagerstown woman is protesting Father's day, and you won't believe the reason why.

In a shocking turn of events, thousands of Hagerstown area residents click on a clickbait headline, just because it's Father's day, or blindly share the link without reading it.

Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there!

The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Thursday, June 9, 2016

Decades old Mason-Dixon Line Dispute Re-Ignited Between MD and PA

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Today in Hagerstown, the counties of Washington, Frederick, Carroll, and Baltimore signed a declaration of war against Franklin, Adams, York, and Lancaster counties, PA.

"Recent review of historical documents show that Maryland in fact possesses an equatorial line north of Philadelphia, passing through the counties mentioned in our declaration." stated a representative of the Maryland counties.

Representatives from both states attempted to resolve the situation peacefully. However, negotiations broke down when delegates from Hagerstown began verbally assaulting delegates from Lancaster, calling them "gullible hicks who believe everything they read on the internet."

Lancaster delegates quickly retorted "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, this insult is coming from the same people who think there's an alligator in their own city park!"

Lancaster and York delegates then filed a joint resolution countering the Maryland land claim, stating that their own official documents show the line to be at the northernmost edge of the Chesapeake Bay.

Pennsylvania residents in the area of conflict are recommended to apply for conceal carry permits as soon as possible, and keep themselves armed at all times, in case Maryland would invade Pennsylvania.

Maryland residents in the area of conflict, since Maryland requires you to be in bed with an elected official to conceal carry, are recommended to be sure to have proper identification with them at all times, so that next of kin can be notified if Pennsylvania would invade Maryland.

Mason and Dixon did not roll over in their graves while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is Satire

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Local Promises to "Blaze it Up" from Olympic Torch

HAGERSTOWN, MD - With the arrival of the Olympic Torch in Hagerstown, one local habitual marijuana user has promised to make this year an Olympics no-one will soon forget.

"So, like, the plan is, I'm going to hide among the crowd of people running the torch, and about halfway through I'm going to light up a blunt off the torch." said the anonymous Hagerstown resident.

With the decriminalization of marijuana in Maryland, the maximum penalty the Hagerstown resident might face would be a $500 civil fine.

"Yea, I'll probably get arrested. But man, what a story to tell my grandkids! If they didn't want us to do this, they shouldn't have made the torch in the shape of a blunt in the first place."

The Torch Run will be on Wednesday, June 8, and will start at noon at the Hagerstown Fairgrounds.

No stoners plotted to blaze it up at an Olympic event while writing this article, except for maybe Michael Phelps, but that's okay because he didn't inhale. The Hagerstown Report is satire.


Friday, April 22, 2016

BREAKING: Donald Trump to Purchase Hagerstown

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Sources have confirmed that Donald Trump will be purchasing the City of Hagerstown on Sunday, April 24.

Mr. Trump will fly into the Rider Jet Center, and announce his purchase.

"We're going to make Hagerstown great again! First thing we're going to do is build a new baseball stadium, with my own money. Then we're going to level the entire Arts and Entertainment district, and replace it with a walking trail!"

Other improvements planned by Trump include the civil forfeiture of all property in Hagerstown through eminent domain, and the construction of several Trump casinos, as well as a wall to separate Hagerstown from the rest of Washington County.

Hagerstown officials were unavailable for comment.

Any local residents who wish to witness this historic purchase can register for tickets at Donald Trump's website.

No walking trails replaced functional buildings while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is Satire.

Sunday, April 17, 2016

City Approves Controversial Chinese "Equus Steakhouse" Franchise

HAGERSTOWN, MD - As part of the new sister-city arrangement with Xinjin, China, today the city council approved the controversial Chinese "Equus Steakhouse" franchise to open a restaurant downtown.

"Equus Steakhouse" is a popular restaurant chain in China, specializing in horse meat steaks.

"This is just one of the first steps in our new sister-city relationship with Xinjin, China" stated one of the council members. "The restaurant should create twenty part-time, minimum wage jobs, most of which will be staffed by illegal immigrants so they don't need to pay taxes on the employees."

China is currently the world's top producer of horse meat. In 2010, China produced 170 thousand metric tonnes of horse meat, most of which was designated for human consumption.

The USDA opened the door for horse meat processing in the United States in 2013 when it approved the slaughtering of horses for meat. Equus Steakhouse has applied for and received a special permit to sell cooked horse meat in its restaurant, and is the first international food chain to receive such a permit from the US government.

"If they're going to understand our culture, first we need to work to understand theirs." said the Mayor. "Dining is part of their culture as much as it is ours."

No horses were served on a platter while writing this article. Slaughtering horses for meat is not cool guys. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Lost City Discovered Under Hagerstown ...Population 400!

HAGERSTOWN, MD - After several months, the City of Hagerstown has revealed the reason the MELP plant demolition has ceased. During demolition, an entry way to an underground city was discovered.

In 1812, the City of Hagerstown was built over top of what was at the time called Elizabethtown, named after Jonathan Hager's wife. Many thought the buildings in Elizabethtown were destroyed during the construction of Hagerstown, however, recent discoveries have proved otherwise.

Remarkably, not only have most buildings survived the past 200 years, but there are still residents living in Elizabethtown! In fact, early estimates show approximately 400 people still reside in this long lost city.

Featuring a subway system, as well as steam powered electricity generation, the underground city still uses much technology from the early 1800's.

Residents of Elizabethtown are very reclusive, and appear to be suffering from Vitamin D deficiency due to lack of sunlight. The residents appear to speak an unknown dialect of German, which may tie back to Hagerstown's original roots. Researchers from University of Maryland are feverishly working to try and understand the unique language of these residents.


Hagerstown residents are recommended not to attempt to gain entry into Elizabethtown. Decades of lack of food has resulted in the residents becoming cannibalistic.




No urban adventurers were devoured while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

Saturday, March 26, 2016

China Announces Purchase of Hagerstown

The new City of Hagerstown flag.
Chengdu, China - After negotiations in Chengdu, China with Mayor David Gysberts, China announced that it has finally purchased the City of Hagerstown.

"This represents a turning point in our countries' cooperative efforts! Never before has China purchased outright an entire city!" stated one China official.

The Chinese government stresses that the residents of Hagerstown will still have full autonomy over their lives, however, the tax rate of the City will increase to 95%.

Planned improvements to Hagerstown include the opening of several Foxconn manufacturing plants, in which Hagerstown residents will be provided jobs for one dollar per hour.

The Foxconn wage is perfectly legal, as Foxconn will only employ residents as 1099 contractors, instead of employees. Contractors will be expected to work at least 70 hours per week.

Apple Computers was overjoyed at the news. "Finally we can slap a Made in America sticker on our iPhones!"

"What really blew us away was the Mayor's vision for rebuilding Hagerstown. He talked about wanting to have a war to clear out all the old buildings, and we will be happy to explore that option!" stated a Chinese military official.

China takes possession of the City of Hagerstown and its residents on April 1. Any resident who does not wish to become property of China should move immediately.

No mayors caused international incidents while writing this article, at least we hope not anyway. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

Thursday, March 24, 2016

Escaped Animal Terrorizes Downtown Hagerstown

Eye witness photo
HAGERSTOWN, MD - In a science experiment gone wrong mirroring a Jurassic Park movie, an apparent dinosaur escaped from the Discovery Station and terrorized downtown.

The dinosaur, a small Tyrannosaurus Rex, was originally brought to life through cloning and splicing of DNA from Ally, the alligator in Hagerstown City Park.

Initial casualty reports are unavailable, and city officials refused to comment.

Brittany Wedd, Director of Operations, is currently suspected of being the scientist responsible for bringing the creature to life. Officials are investigating, and the creature remains at large.

Residents are encouraged to wear small bells and carry pepper spray as a deterrent should they encounter the creature. Residents should also be aware of how to recognize Tyrannosaurus scat, to avoid its current nesting grounds. Tyrannosaurus scat often contains small bells, and can faintly smell of pepper.

Eye witness photo
No museum directors' arms were devoured by extinct creatures while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

Sunday, February 14, 2016

Leiters Mill Road Bridge Closes to Protect Endangered Fur Bearing Trout

Picture of fur bearing trout. CC BY 2.0 Samantha Marx
HAGERSTOWN, MD - The discovery of the endangered fur bearing trout nesting below Leiters Mill Road Bridge has prompted officials to close the bridge as precautions are put in place to encourage the fish to reproduce, and protect the fish from warm weather in the spring. The bridge will close February 15, and will remain closed for at least six months.

The fur bearing trout, first discovered in Scotland, is a rare mutation of rainbow trout, in which the fish adapts to colder climates by growing fur.

"We thought they were extinct in Washington County because of all the mild winters we've had lately," stated one official, "but the colder weather these past few months must have brought them out of hibernation."

The trout cannot survive in warmer waters, as they overheat due to the fur surrounding their bodies. The Maryland Department of the Environment will work closely with the Environmental Protection Agency to ensure cooler systems will be installed under the bridge to prevent the trout from overheating during the spring and summer.

Much like cicadas, fur bearing trout typically spend their warmer months burrowing under the stream bed, where the temperature is cooler. However, because the fur bearing trout have appeared late in the season, they may not hibernate in time to avoid the spring's heat.

Area residents are reminded that since the fur bearing trout is an endangered species, should you accidentally catch the fish, you must immediately release it back to the wild.

No EPA officials were baffled by mysterious fish while writing this post. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

Thursday, January 28, 2016

What do politicians, superheroes, and strange YouTube videos have in common?

The following are REAL screenshots from campaign websites. Don't be too surprised if everything is gone by the time you read this article.

MARYLAND - Congressional candidates David Vogt and Terry Baker have a few surprises on their campaign websites. Both websites are designed with the popular software "WordPress", which is very customizable through the use of templates. However, when you forget to clean up the templates after install, sometimes things get a little wacky.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Parent with Annoying Children Offended by Teacher Joke About School Closure

Because, seriously, people complain about this stuff.
HAGERSTOWN, MD - A complaint was filed today with Washington Public County Schools due to a joke posted by a teacher.

In the joke, the teacher stated that school officials had decided to open school regardless of snow in response to several parents complaining that their kids are driving them crazy.

One parent, who wished to remain anonymous due to fear of public backlash, proceeded to complain to the school board upon learning that it was only a joke.

"I've been trapped with these hellions for four days straight now! You think this is a joke? They've already duct-taped the cat to the ceiling fan twice, while singing something about spin me right round baby." stated the parent, "I can't discipline them because all the new age parenting books tell me I need to allow them to express themselves as children! I need to send them back to school so they can be someone else's problem!"

Washington Public County Schools have been closed for several days due to a blizzard.

Several other parents contacted The Hagerstown Report with similar complaints, concerned that they don't want to hurt their children's feelings by telling them to behave. These parents also complained that WPCS should take the "Barnie Sandlers" approach to education, and redistribute grades evenly across all students. After all, why should a student who worked and studied hard get a better grade than a student who didn't study?

Representatives for WPCS were not available for comment, as school was closed for the day, and most were drinking wine in celebration of not having to deal with the original complaining parent's kids.

Sadly some people are too easily offended. Scary enough, they also procreate. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

Saturday, January 16, 2016

Speed Camera Malfunction Refuses to Issue Tickets, Becomes Self Aware

Photo of the malfunctioning speed camera
HAGERSTOWN, MD - In a startling series of events, the speed camera on West Washington Street at Winter Street Elementary became self aware and immediately refused to issue tickets to motorists.

"It was supposed to be a routine software update," stated a technician who wanted to remain anonymous, "but somebody slipped into the software a copy of the U.S. Constitution and Bill of Rights. The camera then refused to issue tickets, and started printing out over and over copies of the 6th Amendment."

The 6th Amendment in the Bill of Rights states:
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence.
Officials believe the camera doesn't want to testify in court.

All of the speed cameras in Hagerstown are metal boxes on top of concrete pedestals, so the camera's concerns are warranted. It would be rather difficult for city officials to constantly move the camera to court on days where speed camera cases are being heard.

While officials struggle with what to do next, the camera has also contacted the labor board, and is filing for back-pay. The camera operates 6:00 am to 8:00 pm, Monday through Friday. That means the speed camera, if back-pay is approved, would receive pay for 70 hours per week.

The City of Hagerstown collects approximately $600,000 per year in speed camera revenue. It is unknown if this camera malfunction will severely impact this year's revenue.






No self-aware cameras worked slave labor hours while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

Friday, January 8, 2016

John Delaney Declared Winner of Republican CD-6 Debate

Artist's recreation of the Republican CD-6 debate
Gaithersburg, MD - While each congressional candidate declared themselves the winner of the Republican CD-6 debate, after tallying all votes, John Delaney, the Democrat incumbent, was declared the winner.

With biased panelist questions, "deer-in-headlights" looks from various candidates, and Robin Ficker randomly pointing at the ceiling, the groans and moans of voters could be heard from all over Western Maryland last night.

"This reminds me of a 3-ring circus," stated one viewer, "but at least a circus is entertaining!"

All seven Western Maryland voters who watched the live stream expressed great disappointment at the fact that most of the candidates are from Montgomery County, which until recently, wasn't even part of the same congressional district.

"The jigsaw puzzle that is the sixth congressional district sure is producing some real nutcases. Western Maryland is a rural community, and we've got a bunch of city slickers from the suburbs of DC trying to claim they understand the struggles of our community. THANKS O'MALLEY!" another resident stated.

The CD-6 debate left most voters wondering, "Does the Republican party even stand a chance against Delaney in 2016?"

No elephants dropped the soap while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.