Possible East-Coast Blizzard This Week, Warming Period After

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The National Weather Service has issued a warning that the East Coast could experience significant snowfall on Wednesday night through Thursday, followed by a much warmer several days.

Residents of the Hagerstown area are encouraged to stock up on bread, milk, eggs, toilet paper, and sunscreen.

Residents may also experience discomfort with unusually high temperatures Friday and Saturday.

Temperatures will return to 70 degrees on Sunday.

Seriously, will we even be around for Saturday? The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Trump Announces New National Security Advisor - A Manatee?!?!?

Washington, DC - Today Donald Trump announced that he has chosen a new National Security Advisor - a manatee.

"We got the idea from South Park" stated a Whitehouse representative. "Manatees are un-corruptible, and can't have ties to any foreign government. Because they're manatees."

Under the new system, a manatee will be given his own tank with "idea balls", which the manatee will then feed into a machine to help decide foreign policy.

"It truly is a remarkable system!"

For a demonstration of how the system works, please visit South Park Studios.

No sea creatures were given control of our nuclear arsenal while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Rich American Politician Seeks Business Partner?

Just got this email! We're gonna be RICH!!!!!

Subject: Dear Respected One, 

GREETINGS, 

Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business relationship with you. I got your contact from the International web site directory. I prayed over it and selected your name among other names due to it’s esteeming nature and the recommendations given to me as a reputable and trust worthy person I can do business with and by the recommendations I must not hesitate to confide in you for this simple and sincere business. I am an American businessman born in Jamaica, Queens. My father was a very wealthy real estate tycoon in New York City, before he passed away in 1999. When my father died, my mother took me and my younger brother Robert special because we are fatherless. Before the death of my mother on 7th August 2001 in a private hospital here. She secretly called me on her bedside and told me that he has a sum of $12.500.000 (Twelve Million, five hundred thousand dollars) left in a suspense account in a local Bank here in New Yotk, that she used my name as her Son for the next of kin in deposit of the fund. She also explained to me that it was because of this wealth and some huge amount of money her business associates supposed to balance her from the deal they had that she was poisoned by her business associates, that I should seek for a God fearing foreign partner in the United States where I will transfer this money and use it for investment purpose, (such as real estate management). Due to a recent political election and my newest position, I am unable to withdraw this money directly.
Sir, we are honourably seeking your assistance in the following ways. 

1) To provide a Bank account where this money would be transferred to.
2) To serve as the guardian of this money. 

Moreover Sir, we are willing to offer you 15% of the sum as compensation for effort input after the successful transfer of this fund to your designate account overseas. please feel free to contact ,me via this email address
Anticipating to hear from you soon.Thanks and God Bless. 

Best regards.
Donald J. Trump

Failed Science Experiment Creates Hagerstown Blackout

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Local mad scientist Brittany Wedd accidentally triggered a blackout while attempting to perform gene splicing in an attempt to create fake dinosaurs.

Wedd was previously caught in her part of the conspiracy to create fake dinosaur bones in an attempt to boost Jurassic Park movie sales.

Insider sources have revealed that this was part of the creation of the upcoming STEAM exhibit at the Discovery Station, and that Wedd is attempting to create actual fake dinosaurs to be featured in the exhibit.

While it is believed that Wedd's experiment was unsuccessful, local officials have been informed that a "disturbingly large, hatched egg" was discovered in the Antietam Creek a few miles away.

Residents should be on the lookout for an upright, walking lizard, approximately ten stories tall. The last known sighting was in the Antietam Creek near the Sun's Stadium.

No museum directors created apocalyptic creatures while writing this article, at least we hope not. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Western Maryland Secedes, Begins Construction of "Frednexican" Wall

HAGERSTOWN, MD - After several hours of heated debate, Western Maryland has declared its independence from the State of Maryland, and declared its intention to join with West Virginia to form the new state of "West Marginia".

Washington, Allegany, and Garrett counties unanimously declared their secession from the State of Maryland shortly after the state legislature's override of the governor's veto of the sunshine tax.

"We won't subject ourselves to these crazy liberal ideas anymore!" stated one Washington County resident who recently had solar panels installed on his roof, "What if everyone installs solar panels? They're going to burn out the sun and use up all its energy!"

As part of the secession, Western Maryland will not only be joining West Virginia, but also constructing a wall between Washington and Frederick counties.

"This wall will make West Marginia great again, and keep all the Frednexicans from coming to our great state and stealing our jobs!"

Ironically, many Washington County residents commute to Frederick County or beyond for their own daily jobs.

West Virginia officials issued the following statement: "We the people of the great state of West Virginia welcome our brothers and sisters from the panhandle! In order to ensure our security and continuing stability, the states will be reorganized into the first multi-state empire, for a safe and secure society which I assure you will last for ten thousand years!"

Finalization of the secession and construction of the border wall is expected to occur on February 30, 2017.

Pink Floyd should take out a sponsorship on the wall. The Hagerstown Report is satire.