City of Hagerstown Announces Local Simplified Language

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In response to local difficulties with understanding different forms of words, the City of Hagerstown passed an ordinance today requiring residents to use a simplified form of English known as "newspeak".

"One of the council members recently read George Orwell's instruction manual on how to keep better tabs on your residents," said the city spokesperson, "and they thought the idea of simplifying our language was a great idea."

Under the simplified language, words such as "their", "there" and "they're" are simply replaced with a new version, such as "theyre". This simplified version allows residents to avoid embarrassment when using the wrong form of a word.

This language also removes many negative words from local language.

"We became increasingly concerned about criticisms of the city being viewed in a negative light. So we're asking residents to talk more softly about the city."

Just a few of the words which have been removed include "bad", "terrible", "horrible", and "ugly".

As an example, here are a few common sentences and their replacements under the new language.

Oldspeak: The tax rate in Hagerstown is bad.

Newspeak: The tax rate in Hagerstown is ungood.

Oldspeak: It's terrible that they're not doing anything about the tax rate.

Newspeak: Its unbeautiful that theyre not doing anything about the tax rate.

Oldspeak: Politicians tell lies to their voters.

Newspeak: Politicians tell untruths to theyre voters.

By removing these negative words from the local language, and replacing them with "softer" words, the mayor and council believe this will create positive impact on local attitudes towards the city and its elected officials.

Residents were asked for comment on this new ordinance, but unfortunately none could express their unhappiness about the ordinance while following the new language rules.

A $50 fine will be imposed for residents and visitors who refuse to abide by the new language. All fine proceeds will go towards a new walking trail somewhere within the city. Signs informing visitors of the language requirements shall be posted at each major entrance to the city limits within the next few months.

City council also announced for the next meeting plans to discuss implementing a new math system, which includes updated curriculum such as "2+2=5".

No English teachers were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.