Now Launching a Partnership with KCNA!

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In response to recent accusations that our news service is only intended to take "pot shots" at local government officials, The Hagerstown Report is proud to announce the launch of a partnership with the Korean Central News Agency of North Korea to provide readers only the best content and "truthiness".

The Korean Central News Agency (KCNA) is the state news agency of North Korea that was established on December 5, 1946.

KCNA not only provides news about North Korea, but also spends time exposing the "lies and propaganda" of western journalism.

The Hagerstown Report feels it is our duty to ensure than only high quality "truthiness" is presented to our readers, and this partnership with KCNA will help to ensure journalistic integrity.

No nuclear weapons were launched while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.

Local Business Owner Recovers Hillary Clinton's Emails

HAGERSTOWN, MD - A local business owner was recently requested to attempt retrieval of Hillary's emails from her personal email server, as part of a Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) request.

Local business owner Chris Abbott, who owns My Tech computer services on Dual Highway in Hagerstown, volunteered to perform forensic analysis of the server free of charge, as a service to his country.

Unfortunately, analysis of the server indicates some of the emails will be completely irretrievable.

"You see, sometimes email servers can be used for multiple domains. Not only did this email server host clintonfoundation.org, but it also hosted several other sites being operated by the Clintons." according to Abbott.

When asked to elaborate, Abbott was a bit hesitant at first to discuss what else was hosted on the server. "Well, I can't get into too many details, but unfortunately most of Hillary's emails were overwritten by emails for another site called Slick Willy's Dating Service. These were rather, um, large emails, and took up a lot of space, overwriting other emails on the server."

After going into some technical details our reporter simply didn't understand, Abbott finally simplified things. "So, these emails, which were all addressed to bill@slickwillysdating.net, they contained a lot of porn. We're not just talking regular porn, we're talking BDSM, with chains, whips, that sort of thing. These emails had very large images and videos attached, and it overwrote everything else on the email server."

Abbott was successful in retrieving some of Hillary's more recent emails, and will be passing them on to the State Department for release under FOIA.

No artificial life forms were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.

Municipal Stadium After the Suns?

Artist's rendering of "Lake Hagerstown"

HAGERSTOWN, MD - With the mayor and council expressing no interest in keeping the Suns in Hagerstown, many local residents are wondering what will happen to Municipal Stadium after the Suns are gone.

A proposal which is gaining traction is to turn Municipal Stadium into a floating hotel resort, in order to attract tourists.

"Hagerstown can become the ultimate vacation spot!" said a city official.

One of the issues which has plagued Municipal Stadium for years is its ability to retain water. After a heavy rain, many Suns games have been postponed due to a flooded field.

"Let's take advantage of the stadium's ability to retain water, and turn it into a man-made lake. Once the lake is built, we bring in a cruise ship and float it on top. Think of the possibilities! Don't like the ocean? No problem, come get the cruise ship experience at Hagerstown instead!" exclaimed the project manager.

The plan involves sealing existing walls and reinforcing them to hold in water.

"We've spent all these years trying to keep water out of Municipal Stadium. Why didn't we think of this years ago?" said one local resident when he learned of the plan.

Additional ideas include using the man-made lake for ice skating during winter months, and possibly even building a boat ramp to allow fishing.

"We'll need to talk with the Department of Natural Resources to find out if we can stock the lake with trout," according to the project manager.

No pineapples under the sea were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.

Local Spice Dealer Gets Distributor of the Quarter Award

Spice seized by HPD in April 2015

HAGERSTOWN, MD - A local spice dealer received the "Distributor of the Quarter" award for 1Q 2015, awarded to him by the Colombian drug cartel which has been providing him shipments.

The spice dealer, who only wished to be known as "Jay", said he was quite pleased that he received this prestigious award.

"Man we really made some mad cash right after tax refunds came in. I mean we got so much money I could have been Scrooge McDuck and went swimming in it!"

Jay says he is a "street pharmacist", and frowns upon anyone calling him a drug dealer. He operates a mid-Atlantic distribution operation, using an undisclosed location in Hagerstown as his distribution center and warehouse. "Hagerstown is perfect for this, because I can access the highway and get to just about anywhere I need to in four hours or less."

Since April, Jay's business has slowed some. "I'm glad first quarter only includes through March, because that big bust in April really impacted my profits. I just hope my bros don't roll over on me," Jay said. In early April, Hagerstown Police seized 112 bags of Spice along with $1015.00 in cash, from a home on Jonathan Street.

When asked about the health effects of Spice, Jay seemed non-caring.  "It says right on the package that it's potpourri and not for human consumption. Not my fault if people are too stupid to pay attention to that!"

Spice is some nasty stuff and shouldn't be consumed by anyone. Please help spread awareness of its terrible health effects! The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.

Hagerstown Light Department Goes "Green" with North Potomac Street Facility

Site of the new power generation plant.
Photo by lcm1863. Copyright Info

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In a continuing effort to save the environment, the Hagerstown Light Department has switched from purchasing energy from outside entities to generating all power from a single location on North Potomac Street.

Hagerstown officials recently exhumed the body of founder Jonathan Hager, in order to attach magnets and wires.  He was then re-buried in the same location.

"We realized a while back that he was spinning in his grave, with all the crime, unemployment, and all the other problems Hagerstown currently has." said one Hagerstown official. "So then someone got the brilliant idea, why don't we hook up some magnets and wire, and harness that to generate electricity?"

The experiment has been a huge success. Hager has been spinning in his grave so quickly that the power output has greatly exceeded original estimates, providing enough electricity to power the entire city of Hagerstown.

"He must be really upset with how things are being run in this town. But the good news for us is, that just means cheaper electricity for everyone!" said the official.

City officials were originally considering a 5 cent tax increase, but partially due to the savings from this new power generation method, officials were able to reduce that tax increase to only 1.5 cents.

No graves were desecrated while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.

Exclusive - Hagerstown's Secret Mason Tunnels?

HAGERSTOWN, MD - About a year ago, Chris Abbott, who owns My Tech on the Dual Highway, posted photos from a supposed adventure into the hidden underground Mason tunnels which run through Hagerstown, and supposedly all the way under the Potomac into West Virginia.

Very little detail about these fabled tunnels actually exists. If these tunnels do exist, they were most likely sealed off from use decades if not centuries ago.  However, if they do exist, some remnants of the tunnels must remain.

Residents should be warned - exploring tunnels and caves can be extremely dangerous, even for expert "cave divers". By continuing to read this article, you agree you will not attempt to locate any entrances to these tunnels, nor will you attempt to explore these tunnels. The tunnels you are about to learn about, if they even exist, are in various states of decay, making them extremely dangerous. Furthermore, it's very easy to become lost in underground tunnels - even if you don't get trapped, you could potentially wander for days or weeks.

So without further delay, let's look at these mysterious tunnels which do not exist.

Local Radio Station for Helicopter, Fire, Ambulance, Police Now Available!

Photo by Cmglee.
Copyright Info

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Due to the large number of requests on social media, the Washington County government has launched a radio station providing 24/7 coverage of important issues such as "where is the helicopter going" or "why did I just see police speeding down the road".

82.5 FM, broadcasting under the call sign NWSY, will be a public service funded by a grant through the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA). In exchange, local government will provide FEMA information on all residents, including their name, address, income, and when they are normally away from home. FEMA promises this information will be stored securely in a database designed by the creators of healthcare.gov, and residents should not be concerned.

Never before have residents had the ability to instantly access information about what is happening in their community.

One local resident was excited by the news.  "I can't believe it, I won't have to go to Facebook groups anymore to try and find out what's going on. Now I can just turn on the radio and get instant information! This 21st century technology is amazing!"

Local area residents can access this information at any time through their car or personal radio by tuning to 82.5 FM.

No Snallygasters were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.

Fruitarians Protest Community Garden

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The community garden in Hagerstown met with some unexpected resistance today with Fruitarians protested the "unnecessary wholesale slaughter" of vegetables.

The group believes that plants, like animals, have feelings too, and that only fruit which "naturally falls from a tree or vine" should be eaten.

The leader of the group stated "when you eat a carrot or potato, don't you ever wonder where it came from? These poor, innocent plants were uprooted from the ground, then sliced and diced while still in a partially alive state."

As proof that plants are still alive on their way to the dinner table, the group offered instructional resources on how potatoes can re-grow in a cup of water.

Chanting "stalks up, don't chop!", the protesters remained outside the community garden for about an hour, until they realized just how hot it was outside.

"I could feel the sweat rolling off my forehead, and I just knew it was time to go home." said one protester.

The group plans to hold another protest in the fall, after the weather is "not so stinking hot", per the protest leader.

No potatoes were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.

Dead Voting Rights Act Veto: Local Residents Comment

Photo by Tom Arthur. Copyright Info 

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Governor Hogan's veto of the "Dead Voting Rights Act" has met mixed reaction with local residents.

The bipartisan bill, which Maryland Governor Hogan vetoed, was created to permanently legalize voting from beyond the grave.

One Hagerstown resident, who wished to remain anonymous, stated:

"The thought that this bill had bipartisan support is unreal. What politician in their right mind would want to allow unverifiable voting from someone who is six feet underground, and no longer has a pulse?"

However, not everyone in the area felt the bill was a bad idea. Small numbers of residents felt that not allowing the deceased to vote was discrimination based upon a medical condition.

Jonathan Hager, who founded Hagerstown and passed away in 1775, believed the bipartisanship of the bill showed how much our society has improved in equal rights.  "It's a commonly led misconception that the deceased only vote for Democrats. In the two hundred and forty years I've been gone, I've voted for just as many Republicans as I have Democrats."

Several local residents did express concern that despite the deceased voting still being illegal, that they'll continue to do so.

"I have no intention to stop voting," said Hager. "It was my right while I was alive, and it's still my right even though I'm deceased."

Eat recycled food. It's good for the environment, and okay for you. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.

City of Hagerstown Announces Downtown Rebuilding Plan

Image by Vitaly V. Kuzmin. Copyright Info.

The Hagerstown Report is proud to announce its inaugural article! Stay tuned because there's much more to come!

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Today the mayor and council announced their grand rebuilding plan, which will be contracted out to a Russian company and involve an 800 kiloton nuclear warhead.

Mayor Gysberts was previously quoted as saying that sometimes wishes his city had a war to clear out old buildings.

Through a partnership with a Russian defense contractor, the mayor can finally rebuild Hagerstown in his vision.

Strategically detonated, the 800 kiloton warhead would have the capability to remove completely all buildings within a 1.25 mile radius, as well as remove older homes within a 2.6 mile radius.

While residual radiation will last for several thousand years, lethal doses of radiation will be gone after only a few weeks, allowing construction crews to move in and begin clearing out the wreckage.

The time table for this rebuilding plan hasn't been formalized, but the mayor and council seem quite confident that this plan will be the most cost effective means of revitalizing downtown.

No animals were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.