Cearfoss Solar Death Ray to Boost Local Economy

Artist's concept of the Cearfoss Solar Death Ray

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The construction of a solar death ray in the Cearfoss area of Hagerstown promises to vastly improve local tax income through defense spending.

The death ray, known as Archimedes II, is being constructed as part of Department of Homeland Security's "peacekeeper initiative", as a sequel to the Reagan era "Star Wars" program.

When asked about recent rumors that terrorist organizations recently obtained the blueprints for Archimedes II, a top ranking official stated "Any attack made by the terrorists against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they have obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe! I suggest we use it!"

While some local residents are concerned over the possible impact on property values, being so close to a weapon of mass destruction, local officials assure county residents that building the Solar Death Ray is the right thing to do. "We're doing this with or without the support of the community. That's why they elected us after all. Never-mind the fact that one of the county commissioners owns the land, and is going to make a huge profit, this is for the good of the community we swear!"

The county commissioners, including commissioner Barr who owns the property which will be leased for the solar array, could not be reached for comment.

No birds or county commissioners were harmed by solar death rays while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

Trick or Treat Cancelled to Keep From Offending Others

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Trick or Treat has been cancelled this year in Washington County, due to complaints that the event was "too offensive" for some residents.

A recent survey indicated that 1 out of every 150,000 Washington County residents are offended by Trick or Treat, resulting in the County Commissioners cancelling the event completely.

The final vote by the County Commissioners was 1 in favor, 0 opposed. The remaining County Commissioners either abstained from voting or were not present at the meeting.

According to one local resident who wished to remain anonymous, "I used to like Trick or Treat. But then people started dressing up as ghosts using bed sheets. I really think that makes them look like KKK members, so the whole thing should just be cancelled."

Other area residents weren't so thrilled about the event being cancelled.

"I've been trick or treating for 36 years! I've got the perfect costume too. I wear a white sheet with a cross on it, and tell people I'm actually two kids dressed up as the holy ghost! Most people just give me candy and laugh, but there's this one guy who always yells at me saying I'm a racist. I sure hope that's not why they cancelled Trick or Treat this year..."

The Washington County Commissioners were unavailable for comment.

No ghosts or ghouls were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

East Coast To Be Covered With Latex Rain Due to Potomac Chemical Spill

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Weather experts are warning that the impossible timing between Hurricane Joaquin and the recent chemical spill in the Potomac River of 10,000 gallons of latex may result in a "perfect storm" of events leading to the entire east coast becoming covered in latex.

The latex rain may occur as a result of the mixing of the spilled latex with a chemical called "dihydrogen monoxide".

"When the latex and dihydrogen monoxide mixed, it formed a milky white liquid which started travelling rapidly down the Potomac. As the milky white liquid encounters Joaquin, it may be sucked up, and Joaquin will then, due to excessive lower pressure, proceed to cover the entire east coast with that same milky white liquid." stated one weather expert.

The milky white liquid should be considered non-toxic, but residents are advised that prolonged exposure may result in certain side effects resembling morning sickness.

No weathermen were impregnated while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

You won't believe why Hagerstown put an alligator in City Park!

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The mystery surrounding the "Hub City Lake Monster" has finally been revealed.

An anonymous source at the City of Hagerstown has revealed to the Hagerstown Report that the monster is, in fact, an alligator.

"We realized the goose population was starting to get out of control, so we brought in an alligator and let nature take its course" according to the anonymous source.

The alligator, named "Ally", is approximately 8 feet long, and a fully grown female. She has been trained to only eat the geese, and so far only one city employee, who is now nicknamed "Stubby", has been injured while working with her.

"She's a really good girl. We got her from the swamps of Florida. During mating season we're going to bring in a male, start raising baby alligators, and selling them to other cities with goose population concerns. We're estimating it will bring in even more money than the speed camera program!"

Hagerstown residents should be aware that the alligator is perfectly safe around visitors to the park. More people have been assaulted in Hagerstown this year than the alligator has eaten.

No city employees were dismembered while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire web site.

Metro 7000 Series Train Becomes Self Aware, Yells at Operator

Photo by Ben Schumin, CC BY-SA 2.0

Washington, D.C. - Sources have informed us that this morning a WMATA Metro 7000 series train was taken out of service today on the Green Line at Anacostia, due to it becoming self aware.

"It was horrifying, " stated one passenger; "I was sitting in the very front car, when the loudspeaker came on, and a computerized voice started yelling at the train operator, telling him he needed to leave the doors open longer so people could actually board the train. Then she started going on and on about how he needed to actually figure out where to start applying the brakes so he wouldn't have to move the train three times to obtain proper alignment with the platform."

WMATA officials merely indicated the incident was a "train malfunction", and refused to comment further on the matter.

Greenbelt-bound Green Line passengers may experience delays-disabled train at Anacostia. 9:23a #wmata

— Metrorail Info (@Metrorailinfo) August 27, 2015

The 7000 series train then put itself in "park" mode, opened all doors, and shut itself off.

"It was like a child throwing a temper tantrum. The train operator tried to turn it back on, but it would just make a raspberry sound and shut back off." stated another passenger.

After approximately ten minutes, the Metro operator was able to bypass the train's computer controls, and manually move it away from the station.

Inside sources inform us that the train will receive counseling prior to re-entering service.

No Metro trains suffered psychological breakdowns while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire web site.

City Council Announces Sale of Hagerstown to Theme Park

The new Hagerstown welcome sign, installed today.

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In an unprecedented move, the Hagerstown City Council has announced the sale of the entire city to a major theme park developer.

"We didn't have any other choice." stated one councilman, "The mayor and council came to the realization that Hagerstown's issues are beyond the tipping point. Our only hope was to cash out. This has been in the works since May, and we're happy to announce it finally came to fruition!"

The buyer, Big Fun USA, has chosen the name "Adventure Park Hagerstown" for this first-of-its-kind amusement park.

"We're going to turn the entire city into a living amusement park. There are a lot of empty buildings we can tear down or renovate into attractions. We're also considering closing some of the roads to install major attractions such as water slides or roller coasters." stated one representative of Big Fun USA.

The first attraction, a giant water slide, will be installed on August 29 of this year on West Washington Street. A beer garden, food trucks, and additional kids activities will also be available as part of the celebration of the sale of the city.

No carnies were sent helplessly down log plume rides while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.

Cthulhu Announces Hagerstown Mayor Candidacy

Cthulhu makes his announcement over the I-70/I-68 split.

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Cthulhu, the Great Old One, announced his candidacy for Hagerstown Mayor yesterday.

The campaign manager for Cthulhu stated that the Old One has been impressed by recent attempts to destroy Hagerstown from within, but there is much more work to do.

Cthulhu made his announcement as he arose from the clouds over the I-70/I-68 split.

The announcement came forth with a resounding "ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu Hagerstown wgah'nagl fhtagn", according to Cthulhu himself.

When asked regarding campaign financing, Cthulhu's campaign manager stated that it shouldn't be a problem, as the Old One has great influence over the weak minded, and may be able to win the election without raising any finances at all.

No Old Gods were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.