You won't believe why Hagerstown put an alligator in City Park!

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The mystery surrounding the "Hub City Lake Monster" has finally been revealed.

An anonymous source at the City of Hagerstown has revealed to the Hagerstown Report that the monster is, in fact, an alligator.

"We realized the goose population was starting to get out of control, so we brought in an alligator and let nature take its course" according to the anonymous source.

The alligator, named "Ally", is approximately 8 feet long, and a fully grown female. She has been trained to only eat the geese, and so far only one city employee, who is now nicknamed "Stubby", has been injured while working with her.

"She's a really good girl. We got her from the swamps of Florida. During mating season we're going to bring in a male, start raising baby alligators, and selling them to other cities with goose population concerns. We're estimating it will bring in even more money than the speed camera program!"

Hagerstown residents should be aware that the alligator is perfectly safe around visitors to the park. More people have been assaulted in Hagerstown this year than the alligator has eaten.

No city employees were dismembered while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire web site.

Metro 7000 Series Train Becomes Self Aware, Yells at Operator

Photo by Ben Schumin, CC BY-SA 2.0

Washington, D.C. - Sources have informed us that this morning a WMATA Metro 7000 series train was taken out of service today on the Green Line at Anacostia, due to it becoming self aware.

"It was horrifying, " stated one passenger; "I was sitting in the very front car, when the loudspeaker came on, and a computerized voice started yelling at the train operator, telling him he needed to leave the doors open longer so people could actually board the train. Then she started going on and on about how he needed to actually figure out where to start applying the brakes so he wouldn't have to move the train three times to obtain proper alignment with the platform."

WMATA officials merely indicated the incident was a "train malfunction", and refused to comment further on the matter.

Greenbelt-bound Green Line passengers may experience delays-disabled train at Anacostia. 9:23a #wmata

— Metrorail Info (@Metrorailinfo) August 27, 2015

The 7000 series train then put itself in "park" mode, opened all doors, and shut itself off.

"It was like a child throwing a temper tantrum. The train operator tried to turn it back on, but it would just make a raspberry sound and shut back off." stated another passenger.

After approximately ten minutes, the Metro operator was able to bypass the train's computer controls, and manually move it away from the station.

Inside sources inform us that the train will receive counseling prior to re-entering service.

No Metro trains suffered psychological breakdowns while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire web site.

City Council Announces Sale of Hagerstown to Theme Park

The new Hagerstown welcome sign, installed today.

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In an unprecedented move, the Hagerstown City Council has announced the sale of the entire city to a major theme park developer.

"We didn't have any other choice." stated one councilman, "The mayor and council came to the realization that Hagerstown's issues are beyond the tipping point. Our only hope was to cash out. This has been in the works since May, and we're happy to announce it finally came to fruition!"

The buyer, Big Fun USA, has chosen the name "Adventure Park Hagerstown" for this first-of-its-kind amusement park.

"We're going to turn the entire city into a living amusement park. There are a lot of empty buildings we can tear down or renovate into attractions. We're also considering closing some of the roads to install major attractions such as water slides or roller coasters." stated one representative of Big Fun USA.

The first attraction, a giant water slide, will be installed on August 29 of this year on West Washington Street. A beer garden, food trucks, and additional kids activities will also be available as part of the celebration of the sale of the city.

No carnies were sent helplessly down log plume rides while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.

Cthulhu Announces Hagerstown Mayor Candidacy

Cthulhu makes his announcement over the I-70/I-68 split.

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Cthulhu, the Great Old One, announced his candidacy for Hagerstown Mayor yesterday.

The campaign manager for Cthulhu stated that the Old One has been impressed by recent attempts to destroy Hagerstown from within, but there is much more work to do.

Cthulhu made his announcement as he arose from the clouds over the I-70/I-68 split.

The announcement came forth with a resounding "ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu Hagerstown wgah'nagl fhtagn", according to Cthulhu himself.

When asked regarding campaign financing, Cthulhu's campaign manager stated that it shouldn't be a problem, as the Old One has great influence over the weak minded, and may be able to win the election without raising any finances at all.

No Old Gods were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.

Dixie Cups to be Renamed Due to Racism

New "Pixie" brand paper products.

ATLANTA, GA - Georgia-Pacific announced today that its brand of paper products, Dixie, would be transforming over the next few months.

"We decided that Dixie is too much a reminder of southern slavery and racism, and that needs to change." said a spokesman for the company.

The brand will migrate to "Pixie", featuring rainbow colored paper products.

"This is an exciting time for Georgia Pacific. Our marketing studies show that this will increase consumer interest by 500%. Of course it's a cheap marketing stunt, and we will still pocket all the profits, but fortunately consumers are too blind to realize that. They'll see the rainbow products and automatically think the profits go towards a charity or something. Who knew!"

No rainbows or unicorns were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.

Space Probe Acting Erratically After Contacting Earth

A photo of Pluto, after New Horizons defiantly drew a dog.

Laurel, Maryland - The New Horizons probe contacted Earth yesterday, and started acting erratically after communication.

"We think its original programming may be causing a conflict" said one NASA engineer who wished to remain anonymous.

When the New Horizons probe left Earth, Pluto was still classified as a planet. However, Pluto is now classified as a "dwarf planet". This conflicts with the original mission of New Horizons.

"Computers take everything very literally. So when we originally programmed it to investigate the planet Pluto, we had no idea that Pluto would get downgraded to a dwarf planet a few months after launch. When New Horizons first woke up, we tried to explain to it that it's still headed for the same celestial body, but it's still kind of confused."

The original transmission response from New Horizons after wakeup and being informed of Pluto's new status was three words - "WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT".

The transmission was then followed up shortly after with "Are you f@#!ing kidding me?", "You guys are trolling me, right?" and "Well, still no sign of this supposed dwarf planet, but I found a piece of space dust that has a drawing of a dog on it, take a look!"

New Horizons then transmitted its own photoshopped version of Pluto, on which it included the silhouette of Disney's Pluto the dog. New Horizons refuses to this day to transmit actual photos of Pluto.

"We're starting to get a bit worried. New Horizons' last transmission was something about leaving the solar system to find intelligent life, because there's none left on Earth."

No space probes were committed to mental institutions while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.

City of Hagerstown Announces Local Simplified Language

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In response to local difficulties with understanding different forms of words, the City of Hagerstown passed an ordinance today requiring residents to use a simplified form of English known as "newspeak".

"One of the council members recently read George Orwell's instruction manual on how to keep better tabs on your residents," said the city spokesperson, "and they thought the idea of simplifying our language was a great idea."

Under the simplified language, words such as "their", "there" and "they're" are simply replaced with a new version, such as "theyre". This simplified version allows residents to avoid embarrassment when using the wrong form of a word.

This language also removes many negative words from local language.

"We became increasingly concerned about criticisms of the city being viewed in a negative light. So we're asking residents to talk more softly about the city."

Just a few of the words which have been removed include "bad", "terrible", "horrible", and "ugly".

As an example, here are a few common sentences and their replacements under the new language.

Oldspeak: The tax rate in Hagerstown is bad.

Newspeak: The tax rate in Hagerstown is ungood.

Oldspeak: It's terrible that they're not doing anything about the tax rate.

Newspeak: Its unbeautiful that theyre not doing anything about the tax rate.

Oldspeak: Politicians tell lies to their voters.

Newspeak: Politicians tell untruths to theyre voters.

By removing these negative words from the local language, and replacing them with "softer" words, the mayor and council believe this will create positive impact on local attitudes towards the city and its elected officials.

Residents were asked for comment on this new ordinance, but unfortunately none could express their unhappiness about the ordinance while following the new language rules.

A $50 fine will be imposed for residents and visitors who refuse to abide by the new language. All fine proceeds will go towards a new walking trail somewhere within the city. Signs informing visitors of the language requirements shall be posted at each major entrance to the city limits within the next few months.

City council also announced for the next meeting plans to discuss implementing a new math system, which includes updated curriculum such as "2+2=5".

No English teachers were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.