Hagerstown to Attach Ribbons to Speed Cam Tickets for Holidays

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In celebration of the holidays, the City of Hagerstown has announced that between now and January 1, 2024, the city will attach holiday ribbons to speed cam tickets, as a festive "thank you" for out of town visitors for helping fund the local police department.

"We believe the ribbons will put out of state visitors in the holiday spirit, so that they'll be more willing to pay the speed cam ticket, and encourage them to come back to visit again."

Out of state visitors not paying speed cam tickets is a serious problem for the City of Hagerstown. In 2017, it was reported that there were $1.5 Million in unpaid tickets outstanding.

In addition to the holiday ribbon, each city council member will take turns creating hand-written thank you notes to those receiving speed cam tickets over the holidays. These notes will really tug at the heart strings, similar to the SPCA commercials which tell you about how your donation will help save abused animals.

Washington County Government is planning to implement a similar campaign with their own speed cam tickets, but with a different twist. The handwritten thank you notes will inform the receiver of the county's upcoming financial crisis, and that all donations ticket fines will be used to create a defense fund for ongoing sexual harassment suits against former County Commissioners.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from The Hagerstown Report.  This article is satire, for now anyway.

Hagerstown Christmas Decorations go Horribly Wrong

Photo of the decorations which remained up only one night.

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In a moment of laughter, horror, and confusion, the Hagerstown City Council realized that their purchase of new decorations for downtown has gone horribly wrong.

"We had to take them down right away, after receiving complaints" stated one of the council members.

The city was absolutely excited when a Chinese supplier "Hue G. Dong" submitted the original bid of only one million dollars for delivering new lights to the city. The original budgeted amount was five million dollars.

Unfortunately, the city has come to realize that the large discount ultimately resulted in the city dangling decorations not fit to expose to the public.

"It's a tough situation to swallow." stated another council member. "I think we really got screwed."

None of the city council would directly discuss what the specific complaints were with the new decorations, other than "Immediately after erecting the new lights, we realized going with the lowest bidder might have really shafted us in the end."

The city is reviewing its options and considering sending a missionary to China to discuss their position on the matter. It is rumored that former County Commissioner Spong may be enlisted to help, since he is supposedly an expert at getting numbers on their backs to do what they want.

This article would have been more entertaining if Dick Trump was still mayor. The Hagerstown Report is satire.