Hagerstown to Attach Ribbons to Speed Cam Tickets for Holidays

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In celebration of the holidays, the City of Hagerstown has announced that between now and January 1, 2024, the city will attach holiday ribbons to speed cam tickets, as a festive "thank you" for out of town visitors for helping fund the local police department.

"We believe the ribbons will put out of state visitors in the holiday spirit, so that they'll be more willing to pay the speed cam ticket, and encourage them to come back to visit again."

Out of state visitors not paying speed cam tickets is a serious problem for the City of Hagerstown. In 2017, it was reported that there were $1.5 Million in unpaid tickets outstanding.

In addition to the holiday ribbon, each city council member will take turns creating hand-written thank you notes to those receiving speed cam tickets over the holidays. These notes will really tug at the heart strings, similar to the SPCA commercials which tell you about how your donation will help save abused animals.

Washington County Government is planning to implement a similar campaign with their own speed cam tickets, but with a different twist. The handwritten thank you notes will inform the receiver of the county's upcoming financial crisis, and that all donations ticket fines will be used to create a defense fund for ongoing sexual harassment suits against former County Commissioners.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from The Hagerstown Report.  This article is satire, for now anyway.

Hagerstown to Include Pride Ribbon for Out-of-town Speed Cam Tickets in June

HAGERSTOWN, MD - As part of an ongoing effort to increase tourism to Hagerstown and Washington County, the City of Hagerstown will be mailing out free Pride ribbons with out-of-town speed camera tickets during the month of June.

"We're extremely excited to leverage speed camera tickets as a means of advertising the great things our city is doing!" said a representative from Hagerstown.

Costing only $50 for each ribbon mailed out, once the recipient pays their speeding ticket the net cost of the ribbons is only $10. Fortunately 50% of that cost is covered through a state tourism grant, bringing the final cost to only $5 per ribbon.

When asked about the idea behind this new campaign, a representative from the City of Hagerstown stated that "the real inspiration was all of the corporations who change their logos to rainbows during June. We thought we're already contacting these out-of-town visitors to get them to pay a speed camera fine, why not give them motivation to come back by giving them free stuff? If they come back and get another speed cam ticket, we'll even send them another ribbon to share with family and friends!"

Some local residents were disappointed in the program. "Where's my free ribbon?" asked one resident, "I don't own a car, but if the city is giving out free stuff I want one too!"

No crazy tourism programs were implemented while writing this article. At least, we hope not. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Thurmont Finds Loophole to Operate Speed Cameras 24/7

THURMONT, MD - The town of Thurmont has found a way to operate its speed cameras 24/7, instead of only weekdays during school hours as other jurisdictions currently do.

After reviewing Maryland law, the town council found that the time restrictions only apply to automated speed enforcement cameras in school zones. As such, Thurmont has invested in a hybrid model in which speed cameras are manually operated during off-hours.

Each speed camera has been equipped with a periscope inside a small underground bunker. During off hours, the cameras will be manned by retired Navy submarine commanders, who are used to operating inside of tight dark spaces.

"This program will not only increase our speed camera revenue by 300%, but provides an employment path for retired Navy submarine commanders to put their skills to use." stated a council member.

To make the work environment more comfortable, the access personholes will resemble the same hatches used by the Navy in their submarines. The workspace itself will be almost completely dark, and a speaker system has been installed to generate a low hum to simulate the vibrations from a sub under way.

Old Navy submarine joke: 100 sailors go down, 50 couples come back up. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Hagerstown Speed Cam "X-Ray" Upgrade Completed

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Today the city council announced that the "x-ray" upgrade to the speed cameras has been completed. This upgrade will allow the speed cameras to also issue citations for marijuana possession, which carries a fine of $100.

The new program is designed to help reduce people driving under the influence of marijuana, as well as boost declining speed cam revenues in the City of Hagerstown by 25%.

"Marijuana is still punishable by a civil fine, and the city has decided to take advantage of that to increase revenue." stated a city representative.

Motorists may appeal the citation by turning over the contact information for the dealer who sold them the marijuana. Appeals are not guaranteed.

Bombarding moving vehicles with x-rays sounds like a wonderful idea, I'm sure there wouldn't be any side effects whatsoever. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

City Hires Trained Monkeys to Replace Speed Cameras

One of the "speed monkeys" reviewing a photo of a speeding vehicle.

HAGERSTOWN, MD - At today's City Council meeting, it was announced that the current speed camera program will be phased out and replaced with specially trained primates.

"Research has shown that these trained primates are more accurate, more dependable, and cost less to maintain than the current leased camera system." stated a city official.

The primates being hired by the city have all undergone six months of intense training on estimating the speed of passing vehicles then taking their photographs. Motorists which fail to slow down will have their license plate photographed, as well as their vehicle "tagged" with monkey poo to encourage drivers to slow down immediately.

"We were really excited about the flinging monkey poo part," stated the official, "it really adds a new component to the program that is desperately needed. Before, it would take weeks until a motorist would know they were speeding. Now, motorists are encouraged to slow down immediately to clean off a large brown splatter from their windshield."

The city will start off with three monkeys who will each work for only the cost of food, water, and a small lakeside hut in Pangborn Park.

I'll be a monkey's uncle! The Hagerstown Report is satire.

WashCo Sheriff Announces Speed Cam High Score Page

HAGERSTOWN, MD - As the first of the new speed cameras come online across Washington County, so does a new feature of the WashCo Sheriff's Office website - Speed Cam High Scores. Each month, the top 10 speed cam violators will have their vehicle make and model featured on the county website, and be awarded with a $40 fine.

"We're embracing the gamer community to raise awareness of just how dangerously fast people go in this county" stated a representative of the Sheriff's Office. "Although in this case, instead of winning a prize, you win a fine for each offense."

The speed cameras in Washington County were turned on November 1, 2017, and currently feature two locations, with more locations to come. The High Score page is sponsored by Hagerstown Speedway.

"Residents should not drive excessively fast to make the high score list." stated the Sheriff's Office.

I feel the need, the need for speed (and a $40 fine). The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Speed Camera Malfunction Refuses to Issue Tickets, Becomes Self Aware

Photo of the malfunctioning speed camera

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In a startling series of events, the speed camera on West Washington Street at Winter Street Elementary became self aware and immediately refused to issue tickets to motorists.

"It was supposed to be a routine software update," stated a technician who wanted to remain anonymous, "but somebody slipped into the software a copy of the U.S. Constitution and Bill of Rights. The camera then refused to issue tickets, and started printing out over and over copies of the 6th Amendment."

The 6th Amendment in the Bill of Rights states:

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence.

Officials believe the camera doesn't want to testify in court.

All of the speed cameras in Hagerstown are metal boxes on top of concrete pedestals, so the camera's concerns are warranted. It would be rather difficult for city officials to constantly move the camera to court on days where speed camera cases are being heard.

While officials struggle with what to do next, the camera has also contacted the labor board, and is filing for back-pay. The camera operates 6:00 am to 8:00 pm, Monday through Friday. That means the speed camera, if back-pay is approved, would receive pay for 70 hours per week.

The City of Hagerstown collects approximately $600,000 per year in speed camera revenue. It is unknown if this camera malfunction will severely impact this year's revenue.






No self-aware cameras worked slave labor hours while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.