Maryland Saves Up To Two Marine Animals Per Year with Balloon Release Ban

Every year 314 million kg of plastic waste ends up in the ocean. This has the devastating effect of killing over 100,000 marine animals every year, and balloons are responsible for 5% of sea turtle deaths. The United States is responsible for 703,000 kg of this plastic waste. Balloon fragments account for approximately 2% of this waste.

Assuming that Maryland's fair share of plastic waste in the ocean is directly proportional to the state's population (6 million) compared to the rest of the country (330 million), this means Maryland is responsible for 1.8% of the 703,000 kg of plastic waste, or 12,654 kg. Assuming that every balloon released in the State of Maryland is intentional, by banning balloon releases, the State of Maryland has reduced the plastic waste per year by 2%, which comes out to 253 kg less plastic waste in the ocean, per year.

That means instead of 314,000,000 kg of plastic waste in the ocean per year, we now have 313,999,747 kg. That's a reduction of 0.00002%! Assuming that the amount of plastic waste in the ocean is directly proportionate to the number of marine animal deaths, this means through the State of Maryland's action they have saved up to two marine animals per year. Of course, this assumes that all of the balloon releases in the state have been intentional, so any accidental balloon releases may reduce the impact, and possibly negate any benefit whatsoever.

We at the Hagerstown Report applaud the State of Maryland for focusing on such important issues, and rescuing those two innocent marine animals per year by banning intentional balloon releases, which is undoubtedly one of the most important issues of our time.

Your virtue signals have not gone unnoticed.

While this article may contain some high doses of sarcasm, the calculations are not satire.

Frederick County Introduces Balloon Registration Act

FREDERICK, MD - The Frederick County Council has passed a local ordinance known as the "Balloon Registration Act of 2021" designed to hold accountable Frederick County residents who release balloons into the air.in violation of county ordinances. The ordinance not only requires all balloons in the county to have traceable serial numbers at the point of purchase, but grants the Frederick County Sheriff's Office broad powers to wiretap and monitor any Frederick County resident who purchases a balloon, uses the word "balloon" on social media, or is friends with Eric Beasley.

"This year will go down in history. For the first time, a civilized nation has full balloon registration! Our streets will be safer, our police more efficient, and the world will follow our lead into the future!" said one of the Frederick County Council members.

The County Executive's office announced support of the measure as well. "The most foolish mistake we could possibly make would be to allow the subjugated people of Frederick County to possess balloons. History shows that all conquerors who have allowed their subjugated residents to carry balloons have prepared their own downfall by so doing." When asked what the County Executive meant by "conquerors" the County Executive quickly accused the reporter of being racist, and quickly changed the subject.

The registration act takes effect immediately, and is retroactive. All Frederick County residents must register their existing balloons with the Frederick County Sheriff's Office. The registration fee is $100 per balloon.

When government fears the people, there is liberty. When the people fear the government, there is tyranny. The Hagerstown Report is satire. Also, hi Chuck!

Malicious A.I. Takes Over Frederick County Computer Systems

FREDERICK, MD - All they wanted to do was save the environment. However, due to a typo, Frederick County Government accidentally ordered "skynet" instead of the intended "sky nets" designed to stop illegal balloon releases in Frederick County. Upon installation of "skynet" artificial intelligence (AI) on their computer systems, all access has been locked out and the computer is now telling Frederick County how it wants to run things.

"We totally thought the hard disk we received in the mail was deployment instructions for the balloon net," stated a Frederick County employee who wished to remain anonymous, "but when we plugged it in, the computer completely freezes then starts talking to us!"

Frederick County officials are denying that anything has happened, and insist that everything is fine.  However, insiders in the Frederick County Government have informed us that the computer program is taking over the county, and even going so far as to write new legislation and sending to the County Council demanding that they implement it.

"Apparently when we ordered sky nets to protect the environment, someone accidentally typed skynet instead.  So now we've got this crazy computer program telling us what legislation to enact," said the inside source.

So far the computer program has demanded that the County Council enact the following legislation:

• Ban on single-use plastic straws
• Mandatory recycling of lightly soiled toilet paper (instead of flushing)
• $0.25 tax on single use plastic bags in grocery stores
• Complete ban on county farms used for any meat products
• Complete ban on the sale and consumption of meat products within the county
• Replacement of all county power with solar, wind, and hydroelectric by 2022
• Immediately erecting a 25-foot tall statue of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez on Market Street

It is unknown if the County Council intends to meet the demands of the AI program, but Kai Hagen has already given the program his unwavering seal of approval.

Recycling lightly soiled toilet paper would be a pretty crappy situation. The Hagerstown Report is satire.