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Thursday, January 26, 2017

Top 8 Unusual Items Found During City Park Dredging

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HAGERSTOWN, MD - You won't believe what was found during dredging of City Park lake!

As previously reported, the City of Hagerstown is currently dredging the lake at City Park.

During the dredging of approximately 18,000 cubic yards of sediment on the bottom of the lake, the company contracted to do the dredging has made some rather unusual finds.





1) An 1800's Elizabethtown road sign. Hagerstown was originally founded in 1762 as Elizabethtown, and wasn't changed to Hagerstown until 1813. It is believed that this sign was disposed of sometime around the great Krampus culling of Elizabethtown protesters when the city was divided on the naming of the town.

2) Jonathan Hager's birth certificate.
Many local Germans refused to believe Hager's country of origin, so he had his birth certificate framed and hung in the town hall. Apparently it was disposed of by the next leader of the city, who immediately erased all evidence of Hager running the town and declared that Oceania has always been at war with Eastasia.

3) A speed camera
Apparently one of the old speed cameras from Winter Street school was thrown by a citizen into City Park lake in protest. Rumor has it the speed camera had a "My Tech" sticker on it.

4) Three hundred and two used needles
Sadly, no explanation necessary.

5) A steam locomotive
How a steam locomotive found its way into City Park lake is unclear, but there are railroad tracks nearby. An alternative theory is that the City Park lake may be an exit point for the Bermuda Triangle.

6) Blocks from a rather large wall
Apparently at one point the city was so divided over the name, that the Hagerstown supporters started to construct a wall to separate themselves from the Elizabethtown supporters. The was was eventually tore down after the official renaming to Hagerstown in 1813.

7) A Tyrannosaurus Rex skeleton
Rumor has it this skeleton was faked and placed in the lake by Brittany Wedd, director of the Discovery Station.

...and finally

8) A sign autographed by Jimmy Hoffa.
Unfortunately, despite many additional hours of searching and finding two bodies, Jimmy Hoffa is still nowhere to be found.

Hagerstown Report is the finest source of Alternative News in the tri-state area. The Hagerstown Report is satire, but sadly some of these probably aren't far off.

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