The ordinance was recommended and endorsed by Frederick County Sheriff's Office, as a method of expediently processing certain minor crimes without the cost of a full trial.
"Finally we can quickly provide the justice Frederick County deserves for some of these dangerous criminals" stated a representative from the Sheriff's Office.
Eligible crimes for trial by combat include:
- Publicly criticizing elected officials including the County Executive or Judges
- Displaying offensive signs in public view
- Release of balloons by anyone 12 years of age or older
Trial by combat will only be invoked after extensive research by the Frederick County Sheriff's Office to determine if your crimes are innocent mistakes or the result of thoughtcrime. Followers of The Hagerstown Report will instantly qualify.
Those selected for trial by combat will have their choice of utilizing dueling pistols, rapiers, or hand-to-hand combat.
In related news, the Frederick County Sheriff's Office has announced that it is training its appointed champion, the Barry the Frederick Bear, to ensure swift justice is delivered. "It will be interesting training the bear to use a flintlock pistol," stated a representative from the Sheriff's Office, "but I'm confident we can get it done. We do have a right to bear arms in this country after all."
If Harambe were still alive, he would be my champion. The Hagerstown Report is satire. Also, hi Chuck.