Wednesday, June 22, 2016

BREAKING: Alligator Safely Returned to City Park

Ally with one of her handlers.
HAGERSTOWN, MD - After two days, and a foot chase through a thunderstorm, Ally the alligator is safely back in City Park.

Former Mayor Bob Bruchey single-handedly chased Ally as she dashed across a semi-flooded Suns Stadium and rescued her from her lost and confused journey around Hagerstown.

"We're sure glad she's safe and back here with us!" stated one of Ally's handlers. "We were absolutely amazed that none of our city cameras could locate her. We've got camera technology that can read a license plate from 200 yards at 50 MPH, but it can't find a giant alligator moving at 5 MPH."

Ally will spend tonight in her normal winter location until examined by a veterinarian. She will then be returned to City Park to control the geese population.

A special thanks to all of the Hagerstown residents who called to report where Ally was spotted, and ensuring no harm came to her.

In related news, the City of Hagerstown will soon be accepting bids on bringing a male alligator to mate with Ally. Offspring will be trained to only eat geese as well, then sold to other municipalities.

The City of Hagerstown estimates that this "All natural geese control" program will ultimately replace the dying speed camera revenue, since Hagerstown residents have figured out to slow down when passing the large metal boxes, and speed back up once out of sight of the camera.

Bruchey poses after rescuing the alligator
Do you know the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? Neither do we. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

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