A short poem

 

The Hagerstown Report is satire/parody.  Also, fuck fact checkers, and fuck PolitiFact. Let's Go Brandon.

ADL Classifies "Let's Go Brandon" As Hate Symbol

In response to conservatives refusing to accept that recent NASCAR fans were chanting "Let's Go Brandon" after Brandon Brown's recent win, and the fact that conservatives are now using the phrase "Let's Go Brandon" to mock the reporter, the Anti-Defamation League has classified the phrase as a dogwhistle hate symbol.

"This will make the message clear, that mocking reporters and other oppressed careers, is completely unacceptable in 2021." stated a representative from the ADL.

The ADL recognizes over 200 hate symbols and continues to expand its list, including Pepe the Frog, the logo for Coors Beer, and the "Okay" hand gesture.

We at the Hagerstown Report applaud this stunning and brave addition to the Hate Symbol list, and encourage our readers to report their usage to the Internet Police.

The Hagerstown Report is not classified as a hate symbol. Not yet anyways.  This article is satire/parody.

Maryland Saves Up To Two Marine Animals Per Year with Balloon Release Ban

Every year 314 million kg of plastic waste ends up in the ocean. This has the devastating effect of killing over 100,000 marine animals every year, and balloons are responsible for 5% of sea turtle deaths. The United States is responsible for 703,000 kg of this plastic waste. Balloon fragments account for approximately 2% of this waste.

Assuming that Maryland's fair share of plastic waste in the ocean is directly proportional to the state's population (6 million) compared to the rest of the country (330 million), this means Maryland is responsible for 1.8% of the 703,000 kg of plastic waste, or 12,654 kg. Assuming that every balloon released in the State of Maryland is intentional, by banning balloon releases, the State of Maryland has reduced the plastic waste per year by 2%, which comes out to 253 kg less plastic waste in the ocean, per year.

That means instead of 314,000,000 kg of plastic waste in the ocean per year, we now have 313,999,747 kg. That's a reduction of 0.00002%! Assuming that the amount of plastic waste in the ocean is directly proportionate to the number of marine animal deaths, this means through the State of Maryland's action they have saved up to two marine animals per year. Of course, this assumes that all of the balloon releases in the state have been intentional, so any accidental balloon releases may reduce the impact, and possibly negate any benefit whatsoever.

We at the Hagerstown Report applaud the State of Maryland for focusing on such important issues, and rescuing those two innocent marine animals per year by banning intentional balloon releases, which is undoubtedly one of the most important issues of our time.

Your virtue signals have not gone unnoticed.

While this article may contain some high doses of sarcasm, the calculations are not satire.

Norm Macdonald - Thank You for the Updates

Very rarely do we at The Hagerstown Report write about factual topics. Even more rarely do we write about factual topics which are not humorous. With that said, we needed to write this article about Norm Macdonald's passing, and what a positive influence he has been on us.

No doubt you have probably seen Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" for which Norm was the anchor for three years.

Norm's ability to act as a serious news anchor while reading absolutely off-the-wall stories was extremely influential in our written and video satire segments.

One of the most important aspects of Norm's sense of humor and comedy was his refusal to "fall in line" and succumb to social pressure. He had no problem calling out both sides of the political spectrum when they did something stupid. Because of this, his last appearance on "The Tonight Show" was cancelled in 2018.

Thank you Norm, for all the laughs, and inspiration. The Hagerstown Report would likely not exist without you and your own personal style of comedy. We know you're up there somewhere right now, laughing in eternity with many of the comedy greats.

Norm Macdonald passed from Leukemia at the age of 61. We encourage our readers to contribute to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society in his honor.

The Hagerstown Report is satire, but this article was 100% written from the heart by its editor.

Image credit Greg2600 CC-BY-SA-2.0

Fact Check: USA Today and CNN are clickbait sites pretending to be factual news

CNN faked a protest photo in an article in 2016

The claim: USA Today and CNN are unbiased factual news sites

For some reason, despite sharing articles worthy of supermarket tabloids, or faking a protest photo to get higher article views, people continue to believe that USA Today and CNN are real news sites.

Sure, CNN has been busted several times for completely fake news coverage, and USA Today is buying up all the local newspapers across the country in an effort to generate more revenue through clickbait and profiting off tasteless minute-by-minute coverage of dead celebrities.

But after all of these years of consistently being fooled by USA Today and CNN, surely they'd be required to put some sort of disclaimer on their sites if they're not reporting factual news, right?

Newspapers and Cable News aren't required to tell the truth

News media in fact is under no obligation to present the truth when reporting news, and in fact intentionally misleads viewers/readers to get better viewership, leading to higher paying sponsors.

In fact, the news organizations only need to prevent from committing libel or slander directed towards a person or organization, and they're absolutely within the confines of the law.

In fact, the FCC has even made clear that they will only step in if the fake news is going to cause "immediate harm". Otherwise, they're powerless to force news organizations to tell the truth.

Sadly, you had to learn this from a satire site

We often joke that we're more honest than CNN or other major news outlets. This is in fact true. Unlike major news outlets, we actually tell you when our articles are satire (which is 99% of the time). Ironically, CNN has even confirmed that 75% of Americans can't identify fake news (which is probably why CNN takes advantage of this).

And by the way, all of the major news outlets fake news. They only apologize when they're actually caught.

Our Rating: False - USA Today and CNN are not factual news sites

Unlike most of our articles, this one is actually not satire.

Sharpsburg Council Approves Ordinance to Rename Town to Sharpsburgh

Sharpsburg, MD - Through a unanimous vote, the Sharpsburg town council has approved an ordinance to rename the town to its traditional spelling "Sharpsburgh". This debate was the result of questions raised regarding the legitimacy of the town museum's usage of the name "Sharpsburgh".

"It really came down to which Facebook page had the most likes at the time," said a town council representative, "and somehow overnight before the meeting the likes for the Sharpsburgh Museum exceeded the likes for the Town of Sharpsburg itself."

The town manager was unable to explain how the likes for "Sharpsburgh Museum" suddenly skyrocketed overnight, but the promised that there was not foul play involved. "This was the most secure and trustworthy counting of Facebook page likes ever. There may have been talk four years ago of Facebook likes being an unsecure method of determining which town name was preferred, but we promise you there's no way it could have been manipulated now, even though we did nothing to correct the problem."

Supporters of "Sharpsburg" questioned the official narrative of "Sharpsburgh" supporters.

"If you look at the like counting, both Sharpsburg and Sharpsburgh received over 1.5 million likes. There aren't that many people living in town, something is seriously wrong here!" said one concerned citizen.

Most of the controversy arises over a sudden spike in likes for Sharpsburgh overnight shortly before the council meeting. Sharpsburgh supporters swear unequivocally that the likes are legitimate, even though Sharpsburg supporters were prevented from observing counting of the likes.

Meanwhile, "Sharpesburg" supporters continue to cry foul, claiming they were excluded from the process. "Just because the Sharpesburg Facebook page only has five likes, doesn't mean our voices don't matter. There is no difference between Sharpsburg and Sharpsburgh. Only Sharpesburg is the true original name of the town."

The new name goes into effect on September 31, 2021.

No surfers were caught by the massive wave of political bullshit we've witnessed these past couple years. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Frederick Council Passes Trial by Combat Ordinance

FREDERICK, MD - Today the Frederick County Council passed through a unanimous vote an ordinance allowing arrestees for certain offenses by Frederick County Sheriff's Office to request a trial by combat against the county's appointed champion.

The ordinance was recommended and endorsed by Frederick County Sheriff's Office, as a method of expediently processing certain minor crimes without the cost of a full trial.

"Finally we can quickly provide the justice Frederick County deserves for some of these dangerous criminals" stated a representative from the Sheriff's Office.

Eligible crimes for trial by combat include:

• Publicly criticizing elected officials including the County Executive or Judges
• Displaying offensive signs in public view
• Release of balloons by anyone 12 years of age or older

Trial by combat will only be invoked after extensive research by the Frederick County Sheriff's Office to determine if your crimes are innocent mistakes or the result of thoughtcrime. Followers of The Hagerstown Report will instantly qualify.

Those selected for trial by combat will have their choice of utilizing dueling pistols, rapiers, or hand-to-hand combat.

In related news, the Frederick County Sheriff's Office has announced that it is training its appointed champion, the Barry the Frederick Bear, to ensure swift justice is delivered. "It will be interesting training the bear to use a flintlock pistol," stated a representative from the Sheriff's Office, "but I'm confident we can get it done. We do have a right to bear arms in this country after all."

If Harambe were still alive, he would be my champion. The Hagerstown Report is satire. Also, hi Chuck.

Hagerstown to Include Pride Ribbon for Out-of-town Speed Cam Tickets in June

HAGERSTOWN, MD - As part of an ongoing effort to increase tourism to Hagerstown and Washington County, the City of Hagerstown will be mailing out free Pride ribbons with out-of-town speed camera tickets during the month of June.

"We're extremely excited to leverage speed camera tickets as a means of advertising the great things our city is doing!" said a representative from Hagerstown.

Costing only $50 for each ribbon mailed out, once the recipient pays their speeding ticket the net cost of the ribbons is only $10. Fortunately 50% of that cost is covered through a state tourism grant, bringing the final cost to only $5 per ribbon.

When asked about the idea behind this new campaign, a representative from the City of Hagerstown stated that "the real inspiration was all of the corporations who change their logos to rainbows during June. We thought we're already contacting these out-of-town visitors to get them to pay a speed camera fine, why not give them motivation to come back by giving them free stuff? If they come back and get another speed cam ticket, we'll even send them another ribbon to share with family and friends!"

Some local residents were disappointed in the program. "Where's my free ribbon?" asked one resident, "I don't own a car, but if the city is giving out free stuff I want one too!"

No crazy tourism programs were implemented while writing this article. At least, we hope not. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Frederick Bear Not As Successful as Hagerstown Alligator

FREDERICK, MD - Frederick County and the City of Frederick, using the Hagerstown City Park Alligator as a model for its program, recently implemented a similar geese population control program using a former circus bear. Unfortunately, the bear program was not as successful as Hagerstown's alligator program.

The program was declared a complete bust when the Baker Park Bear "Barry", escaped and went to visit a children's' playground. However, the Frederick County Council states the bear is being retired due to other concerns.

"The bear refused to wear his COVID mask" stated County Council member Kai Hagen, "I tried publicly shaming the bear into wearing his mask, but it didn't make any difference. For that reason we must retire the bear from service."

The bear program was thought up by several Frederick County Council members who prioritize the environment above all other things, including the safety and wellbeing of the county's residents. The program was even endorsed by Sheriff Chuck Jenkins, who believed the bear's presence could deter crime.

"We really hoped the bear would deter crime, or at the very least deter that profanity sign guy from coming downtown, or that guy we created a secret politically-motivated dossier on." said a representative from the sheriff's office.

Any residents whose property was damaged by the bear are encouraged to contact the City of Frederick for reimbursement of repair expenses.

Barry the bear's career isn't quite over yet, though. He's going to become the new mascot for the Frederick Keys. Look for more on this soon!

No bears got their heads stuck in jars of honey while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire. Also, Hi Chuck.

A-10 Warthog to Stop Dirt Bikes in Hagerstown

HAGERSTOWN, MD - During today's City Council meeting, the Mayor and Council announced that an A-10 Thunderbolt II, also known as the Warthog, is being purchased by the City to stop the dangerous dirt bike riders the city has seen increase as the weather has become warmer. All of the A-10 Warthogs were built by Fairchild locally in Hagerstown during the 1970's and 1980's.

"The Air National Guard is giving us a great discount," stated a city representative, "normally these cost around 11 million, but we're only spending 5 million."

Every summer the City of Hagerstown has to deal with illegal dirt bikes riding on city streets, and even sidewalks. This year a rider received permanent brain damage due to an accident.

"Our no-chase policy makes it very difficult to stop the dirt bikes, but with the A-10 Warthog we can stop the dirt bike riders once and for all without endangering the safety of any innocent bystanders" stated a representative for the Hagerstown Police Department.

The Hagerstown City Council voted 3 to 2 to approve the purchase of the A-10 as well as approve an ordinance allowing close air support operations for Hagerstown Police Department. The A-10 will be stationed out of Hagerstown Airport, and armed with a 30mm GAU-8 Avenger rotary cannon, capable of eliminating 3,900 dirt bikes per minute.

"This is a really exciting time for Hagerstown! Not only is one of our A-10's coming home to stay, but it's filling an important law enforcement role!" stated a city representative.

The A-10 Warthog will be patrolling Hagerstown's skies starting June 1, 2021.

No illegal dirt bike riders were turned into a cloud of smoke while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

State Highway Admin. Purchased Williamsport Goat "Willy" for I-81 Mowing Alternative

WILLIAMSPORT, MD - The State Highway Administration announced today that its pilot program of using goats as an alternative to mowing along interstates has been a great success, and the state will soon expand the program to other parts of interstates in Maryland.

The state purchased the goat from a local farm several years ago as an experiment to see if goats could be used to control vegetation instated of mowing. After spending approximately $500,000 to train the goat, nicknamed "Willy" due to the goat's proximity to Williamsport, the State Highway Administration released the goat who happily began eating the unlimited food along I-81 and the nearby C&O Canal.

"Overall we've seen a significant savings of approximately $200,000 over four years" stated a SHA representative.

The General Overall Animal Training (G.O.A.T.) program employed by SHA and the City of Hagerstown's alligator based geese population control program are considered much greater successes than the CIA's 1960's program "Acoustic Kitty" in which the CIA spent $20 million to surgically embed a microphone and transmitter inside a cat, released it outside the Russian embassy, and watched in horror as it promptly walked out into traffic and was hit by a car.

"The next step is to expand this to Interstates across the state." stated the SHA representative, "Just wait until people start seeing goats on I-270, they're really going to start freaking out!"

Amazingly, yes the Acoustic Kitty is a real thing. Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Frederick County Introduces Balloon Registration Act

FREDERICK, MD - The Frederick County Council has passed a local ordinance known as the "Balloon Registration Act of 2021" designed to hold accountable Frederick County residents who release balloons into the air.in violation of county ordinances. The ordinance not only requires all balloons in the county to have traceable serial numbers at the point of purchase, but grants the Frederick County Sheriff's Office broad powers to wiretap and monitor any Frederick County resident who purchases a balloon, uses the word "balloon" on social media, or is friends with Eric Beasley.

"This year will go down in history. For the first time, a civilized nation has full balloon registration! Our streets will be safer, our police more efficient, and the world will follow our lead into the future!" said one of the Frederick County Council members.

The County Executive's office announced support of the measure as well. "The most foolish mistake we could possibly make would be to allow the subjugated people of Frederick County to possess balloons. History shows that all conquerors who have allowed their subjugated residents to carry balloons have prepared their own downfall by so doing." When asked what the County Executive meant by "conquerors" the County Executive quickly accused the reporter of being racist, and quickly changed the subject.

The registration act takes effect immediately, and is retroactive. All Frederick County residents must register their existing balloons with the Frederick County Sheriff's Office. The registration fee is $100 per balloon.

When government fears the people, there is liberty. When the people fear the government, there is tyranny. The Hagerstown Report is satire. Also, hi Chuck!

WashCo Commissioners Announce Reality TV Crime/Drama Series

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In light of all the recent drama and misconduct surrounding the Washington County Government, the County Commissioners have announced they have struck a deal with a major cable network to produce a reality TV series called "Tales from the County". The series, airing this fall, will follow the daily struggles, drama, and ethical challenges of the County Commissioners and the county employees.

"This is the next Jerry Springer Show!" said a county representative who has been watching the drama unfold around her. "The cable network is paying us millions of dollars to produce this show - it's going to do amazing things for our county budget."

Episodes have already begun filming, and focus on not just the drama which unfolds at County Commissioner meetings, but their personal lives as well. The first episode, titled "What happens in Korea..." will look at some of the past county commissioners and their ethical troubles, as well as  footage of when the Washington County Sheriff's Office visited a county commissioner's home for a domestic dispute.

The network producer spoke to The Hagerstown Report a bit more about the show's concept. "If you take Parks and Recreation, combine it with COPS, and add in a sprinkle of Saturday Night Live, you'll understand what an amazing circus of a county government we have here."

As filming allows, side stories including the Board of Education and municipal governments will also be filmed. Some of the footage will use previously recorded meetings and events, such as Karen Harshman voting to remove herself from the Board of Education or her attorney's epic "Dr. Phil" defense.

So how much income will this produce for the county? The total production cost of Season One is approximately five million dollars. After permit fees, expenses, contributions to the County Commissioner Common Legal Defense Fund, and a generous kickback of $20,000 to each County Commissioner who owns a distillery, the Washington County general fund will receive approximately $3.50, which is just enough money to summon the Chesapeake Bay Monster "Chessy" from the Potomac River for the full length feature film "Godzilla vs. Chessy". This disaster film will be filmed on location at some of Hagerstown's crumbling buildings, and very little special effects will be needed to capture the right "mood" of the film.

No mythical creatures were summoned while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

HCC Technical Innovation Center Closed in May 2020 Due to Atomic Accident

HAGERSTOWN, MD - New information has come to light surrounding the sudden closure of Hagerstown Community College's Technical Innovation Center. A student led project on building miniature cold fusion breeder reactors accidentally contaminated the entire building with omega particles.

Omega particles are a highly unstable and short lived molecule which are theorized to have existed in nature at the instant of the Big Bang. It is suspected that this dangerous particle was responsible for the destruction of the remote Lantaru research facility.

Lost RACIST Confederate Treasure In Pangborn Park Lake?

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The real reason for draining and dredging Pangborn Park Lake may have been accidentally stumbled upon by a local twelve year old boy. "Timmy" who lives nearby, was walking past the lake when he noticed something shiny near the edge. Upon picking it up, the object turned out to be a gold coin from 1860. This confused local historians, as Pangborn Park lake was not built until the 1930's, so there's no way someone could have simply thrown the coin into the lake.

One historian had a theory that this may be part of the lost treasure from the ransom of Hagerstown in 1864. For those not familiar, in July of 1864 the RACIST Confederate Army demanded a ransom of $20,000 as well as 1,500 sets of clothing or they would burn the City of Hagerstown. With the aid of the Hagerstown Bank, the city was able to raise the ransom demand in coins and paper money, and prevent the burning of the town.

Local Community College to Require Course on How to be Offended

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Today the local Community College announced that beginning in Fall 2021, all incoming first year students will be required to attend "Social Studies 98-O How to be Offended". This new course is in response to some local residents failing to be offended by an alligator reference in Hagerstown City Park's wikipedia page.

"This important class will ensure that all students are properly indoctrinated to be offended at everything they disagree with, in accordance with our liberal education programs." stated a college representative. An adjunct faculty teacher in the Philosophy and History department has already volunteered to teach the class.

Local News, College Instructor, and Government Engage in Misinformation Campaign To Label Alligator as "Conspiracy"

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Despite photographic proof, as well as documentation from reputable sources (Wikipedia), the City of Hagerstown's Department of Parks and Recreation has conspired with an adjunct instructor at Hagerstown Community College and local news media to release a statement that the City Park Alligator is a Conspiracy Theory.

We at The Hagerstown Report are highly disappointed by this statement. Numerous times have we not only shown photographic evidence of the alligator's existence, including with former mayor and current city council member Bob Bruchey, but the city has even sponsored meet and greet events with our friendly neighborhood gator.

How remarkable is it, that less than a week after the inauguration of a new president that the media which previously intentionally did not cover the gator's existence is now set on demonizing those who believe in the gator? This revisionist history is going too far. What's next, will they tell us that the migratory lake dolphins are also a conspiracy theory? Or that our underground sister city Elizabethtown doesn't exist?

The truth of the matter is that newspapers are dying, and trust in the news media is at an all time low.

We expect better from our local government and local news media. As the article states, we "deserve better", and that includes more honest and in-depth reporting from local news media.

Want to help? Sign our petition to #SaveAlly and have the Hagerstown City Council acknowledge the alligator's existence.

On a more serious note, WTF ever happened to investigative journalism? A quick Google search leads to multiple articles about the Hagerstown Alligator which are clearly labeled as satire. Who knew that an alligator could somehow be linked to the incident at the Capitol? Wow. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

In New Safety Program, Maryland Legislators to get "Mild Shock" for Disagreeing With Majority Leader

ANNAPOLIS, MD - As our state legislators return to Annapolis this year, they will notice some changes to the Maryland State House and Senate floors. Each legislator will be assigned their own individual box, which has been built to not only protect from COVID-19, but also to ensure that all legislators remain in line with the wishes of the majority leader through the inclusion of an inductive power delivery system.

With the push of a button, the House or Senate leader will be able to punish dissenters and those who disagree with the majority, by delivering a mild electric shock no more powerful than sticking a fork in an electric socket.

Hagerstown Restaurants to Install Retractable Roofs to Bypass COVID Requirements

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Several downtown Hagerstown restaurants have found a creative way of getting around COVID restrictions. By installing retractable roofs over their dining area, what was once indoor dining can now be reclassified as outdoor dining.

"It turns out that being considered "indoors" vs "outdoors" is just a matter of if the roof is permanent. We don't actually even need to have the roof open to be considered outdoors - we just need to prove that the roof can be removed.

State officials are scrambling to figure out what can be done to prevent small businesses from using this loophole. "These restrictions were specifically designed to destroy small businesses, so that more people will rely on government aid. By bypassing these restrictions, they're endangering our future careers as politicians, and that's unacceptable." stated one member of Governor Hogan's staff and upcoming 2024 Hogan for President campaign advisor.

Unlike previous retractable roof systems, which involved many moving parts and were extremely expensive, the new improved retractable systems were inspired by the retractable roof installed on Heinz Field for the Pittsburg Steelers. This system features one large cover with only two hinges, and can be typically be built using common components from local hardware stores.

"We really hope this flushes away COVID" stated one local restaurant owner, "as we know that COVID becomes completely harmless once you're dining outdoors."

COVID restrictions are killing our small businesses and it's really shitty. The Hagerstown Report is satire.