Local News, College Instructor, and Government Engage in Misinformation Campaign To Label Alligator as "Conspiracy"

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Despite photographic proof, as well as documentation from reputable sources (Wikipedia), the City of Hagerstown's Department of Parks and Recreation has conspired with an adjunct instructor at Hagerstown Community College and local news media to release a statement that the City Park Alligator is a Conspiracy Theory.

We at The Hagerstown Report are highly disappointed by this statement. Numerous times have we not only shown photographic evidence of the alligator's existence, including with former mayor and current city council member Bob Bruchey, but the city has even sponsored meet and greet events with our friendly neighborhood gator.

How remarkable is it, that less than a week after the inauguration of a new president that the media which previously intentionally did not cover the gator's existence is now set on demonizing those who believe in the gator? This revisionist history is going too far. What's next, will they tell us that the migratory lake dolphins are also a conspiracy theory? Or that our underground sister city Elizabethtown doesn't exist?

The truth of the matter is that newspapers are dying, and trust in the news media is at an all time low.

We expect better from our local government and local news media. As the article states, we "deserve better", and that includes more honest and in-depth reporting from local news media.

Want to help? Sign our petition to #SaveAlly and have the Hagerstown City Council acknowledge the alligator's existence.

On a more serious note, WTF ever happened to investigative journalism? A quick Google search leads to multiple articles about the Hagerstown Alligator which are clearly labeled as satire. Who knew that an alligator could somehow be linked to the incident at the Capitol? Wow. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

In New Safety Program, Maryland Legislators to get "Mild Shock" for Disagreeing With Majority Leader

ANNAPOLIS, MD - As our state legislators return to Annapolis this year, they will notice some changes to the Maryland State House and Senate floors. Each legislator will be assigned their own individual box, which has been built to not only protect from COVID-19, but also to ensure that all legislators remain in line with the wishes of the majority leader through the inclusion of an inductive power delivery system.

With the push of a button, the House or Senate leader will be able to punish dissenters and those who disagree with the majority, by delivering a mild electric shock no more powerful than sticking a fork in an electric socket.

Hagerstown Restaurants to Install Retractable Roofs to Bypass COVID Requirements

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Several downtown Hagerstown restaurants have found a creative way of getting around COVID restrictions. By installing retractable roofs over their dining area, what was once indoor dining can now be reclassified as outdoor dining.

"It turns out that being considered "indoors" vs "outdoors" is just a matter of if the roof is permanent. We don't actually even need to have the roof open to be considered outdoors - we just need to prove that the roof can be removed.

State officials are scrambling to figure out what can be done to prevent small businesses from using this loophole. "These restrictions were specifically designed to destroy small businesses, so that more people will rely on government aid. By bypassing these restrictions, they're endangering our future careers as politicians, and that's unacceptable." stated one member of Governor Hogan's staff and upcoming 2024 Hogan for President campaign advisor.

Unlike previous retractable roof systems, which involved many moving parts and were extremely expensive, the new improved retractable systems were inspired by the retractable roof installed on Heinz Field for the Pittsburg Steelers. This system features one large cover with only two hinges, and can be typically be built using common components from local hardware stores.

"We really hope this flushes away COVID" stated one local restaurant owner, "as we know that COVID becomes completely harmless once you're dining outdoors."

COVID restrictions are killing our small businesses and it's really shitty. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

A Modest Proposal for the 21st Century

Many people follow the tradition of baking a ham for Christmas, and an opportunity now presents itself that the people of Hagerstown could greatly increase their income through the providing of holiday meals to the wealthy on a yearly basis as part of the recovery efforts from the economic devastation of COVID lockdowns. The people of Hagerstown, MD have, for far too long, found themselves at a disadvantage to the rest of the state. While the state has a median income of over $83,000, the City of Hagerstown's median income is half of this figure at $40,000 - and only a few counties away is one of the richest counties in the United States, Montgomery County, with a median income of almost $100,000. With the ushering in of a new, progressive national administration, it is time to fix this wealth inequality and equalize the median income of these two counties.

It is commonly known that the more wealthy elite of our neighbors to the east enjoy some rather unique delicacies to satisfy their taste pallets. Washington County has always traditionally been an agricultural community, so it is only fitting that this great wealth inequality be resolved through new, revolutionary farming and harvesting techniques. I can think of no better way to fix this wealth inequality than have the great people of Hagerstown utilize our agricultural roots to provide special delicacies to the people of Montgomery County.

As there are approximately 29,386 adults in Hagerstown, 4,899 of which are seniors, and approximately 52% of all Hagerstown residents are female, there are approximately 12,700 women in Hagerstown of child bearing age. Simultaneously, there are approximately 1,000,000 people in Montgomery County. If we assume that median income is distributed across a standard bell curve, then the top 1% income earners in Montgomery County is approximately 10,000 people. The fortunate news for Hagerstown is that the city has more women of child bearing age than the number of Montgomery County residents in the top 1% income bracket.

On average, a child is born weighing 7.5 pounds in the United States, and after one year will weigh on average between 19 and 21 pounds. Coincidentally, the average bone-in Christmas Ham weighs between 10 and 18 pounds. When taking into account that children typically have more bones than a ham, the amount of meat is similar. Now you must admit, that while the average ham costs $1.48 to $1.98 a pound, children are much more difficult to care for in their first year than a pig, so a much higher value should be afforded to children, for example a thousand times more valuable. This means a child should be worth between $1480 to $1980 per pound, producing on average an additional $34,600 income per year for Hagerstown families. This instantly increases the median income of Hagerstown residents to $57,300. representing a significant improvement in quality of life.

As an additional bonus, no longer would religious groups need to protest the abortion clinic in downtown Hagerstown, as their services would no longer be needed or desired. This would result in much more free time for not only the protesters, but also those who volunteer as escorts for people using the clinic's services. I believe that everyone would agree, having more time to spend with family and friends is a benefit for the mental well being of all involved.

The residents of Montgomery County would benefit from this redistribution of wealth as well. Instead of simply losing their income through taxes, this yearly expense could possibly even be tax deductible as an entertainment expense for wealthy business owners attempting to impress their government clients, congressmen, and senators. No more would these events need to be held in the basements of pizza shops or arcades, but could instead really get into the holiday spirit of cooking with open gatherings in their homes, or even in high-end restaurant establishments. Best of all, the potential lifting of COVID lockdowns in Maryland coincides with prime harvesting age for the large population boom which most of the country is facing this December. The timing is absolutely perfect, in that one year from now most of the children conceived as a result of COVID lockdowns will reach the appropriate size and weight. What may have originally been perceived as an economic catastrophe for Hagerstown may indeed be its shining moment to greatly improve its economic standing.

Readers are encouraged to write to President-Elect Biden and Maryland Governor Hogan in support of this plan. Only through your action can the legal framework be put in place to make this tremendous economic boost for Hagerstown a reality.

We hope that Jonathan Swift would be proud. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Boonsboro Confused by Black Lives Matter Billboard

BOONSBORO, MD - Several local residents expressed confusion, frustration at a billboard in town which says "Black Lives Matter - Paid for by the People of Boonsboro". While the billboard displays a rather simple message, town residents seem very confused as to its meaning.

Most of the confusion is centered around the part of the sign which reads "Paid for by the People of Boonsboro". Boonsboro residents were shocked when they learned that people can pay for something without government or corporate approval.

"You mean it says paid for by the people but the government didn't pay for it? That can't be - everybody knows you need government approval for people to do anything! Is this some sort of CNN trick? FAKE NEWS!" stated one town resident as he took a break from his Alex Jones podcast.

Another resident, wearing a #WWG1WGA shirt, stated "I don't understand why Boonsboro would need a sign like this. There's no racism in Boonsboro, because there would have to be minorities in Boonsboro for racism to exist, and and all the minorities moved out years ago!"

The town of Boonsboro was forced to release a statement in an attempt to stop the flood of calls to town hall. Early drafts of the statement, which started with "We're not racist, but..." were quickly replaced with more politically correct statements disavowing the town having anything to do with the billboard.

Meanwhile, Sharpsburg's town council has stated that the Boonsboro billboard is "clearly a declaration of war" and that "the South shall rise again" and a formal declaration of war against Boonsboro is forthcoming. The town representative read this statement while standing next to the former slave block on Shepherdstown Pike.

Boonsboro has not yet responded to the declaration of war, but several town residents expressed concern that residents could become quickly confused who was fighting for which town, since so many would be waving Confederate flags.

We'd like to thank the people who donated to this sign for causing this epic hilarity, including Ryan Miner who so generously donated in Jerry DeWolf's and several other local Republicans' names.  The Hagerstown Report (and this article) is satire.

Officials Urge Calm After Small Volcano Forms in Hancock, MD

HANCOCK, MD - Washington County officials are urging people to remain calm after a small volcano formed under a sidewalk in Hancock. The Hancock volcano, at the edge of the Ramapo Fault zone, has never erupted in our lifetimes and was completely unknown until today. But today, the volcano emitted small puffs of ash and smoke.

Which stores are being frequented by the "Mask Karens"?

By now you've probably heard about the "WALL OF SHAME" group in Frederick, or "Comfort Zone" group in Allegany County. The Frederick group is the most vile, as they're taking photos of complete strangers for not wearing a mask in public or just for accidentally wearing their mask incorrectly.

No one should be subject to this sort of harassment. As such, we're going to start listing which stores have been used to harass customers, and provide their contact information. We'd like to encourage our readers to call these stores and encourage them to post clearly visible signage that photography of other customers is strictly prohibited. Customers shouldn't need to worry about if their mask accidentally slips, someone might take a picture of them and put it on the Internet. This does not create a safe environment for customers.

We debated posting the names of those who are posting these vile hateful images, but decided a better course of action would be to encourage people to call these businesses and ask for signage to discourage such behavior.

With that said, on with the list!

Walmart - Frederick

Guilford Drive - (301) 631-0805

Monocacy Blvd - (301) 644-2440

Corporate - 1 (800) 925-6278

9/4/2020 (approx) - photo taken of a man in cash register line 8 with mask below his nose

7/29/2020 - photos taken of multiple customers with mask below nose

Best Buy - Frederick

Guilford Drive - (301) 662-6130

Corporate - 1 (888) 237-8289

9/4/2020 (approx) - photo taken of (employee?) whose mask slipped below his nose

Giant Eagle - Frederick

W Patrick Street - (301) 668-8712

7th Street - (301) 631-3822

Corporate - 1-800-553-2324

8/25/2020 - photo taken at 7th Street location of an elderly customer for going the wrong way down an aisle and supposedly her mask being below her nose, though the photo does not show that

8/24/2020 - multiple photos at W Patrick Street location of customers whose mask was below their nose

8/2/2020 - photos taken at 7th Street location of a customer whose mask had slipped below her nose

Aldi - Frederick

W Patrick Street/Urbana Pike - (855) 955-2534

Corporate - (630) 879-8100

8/23/2020 - photo taken at W Patrick Street location of a woman customer because her mask was "very loose" and had barely slipped below her nose

8/17/2020 - photo taken at W Patrick Street location of a male customer whose mask had slipped below his nose, and was unable to fix because his hands were full

Home Depot - Frederick

McCain Drive (Route 40) - (301) 644-2840

Urbana Pike - (301) 620-0571

Corporate - 1 (800) 466-3337

8/19/2020 - photo taken at McCain Drive location of a male customer whose mask had barely slipped below his nose

United States Postal Service - Frederick

7th Street - (301) 624-8050

E Patrick Street - (301) 624-8050

Corporate - 1 (800) 275-8777

8/12/2020 - photo taken at 7th Street location of customer whose mask slipped below her nose, and even fixed the mask when the harasser said something to her

Safeway - Walkersville

Walkers Village Way - (301) 845-2844

Corporate - 1 (877) 258-2799

8/7/2020 - photo taken at Walkersville location of older woman customer refusing to wear a mask

Francis Scott Key Mall - Frederick

Buckeystown Pike - (301) 662-5152

7/30/2020 - photos taken of multiple customers for "wearing their mask wrong"

7/30/2020 - photos taken of customers for not wearing masks

Dollar General - Frederick

N East Street - (301) 732-7310

Corporate - (615) 855-4000

7/28/2020 - photo taken of employee at N East Street location who had to temporarily remove her mask while noone else was nearby

Typically our posts are satire, but this post is very much NOT SATIRE.