Officials Urge Calm After Small Volcano Forms in Hancock, MD

HANCOCK, MD - Washington County officials are urging people to remain calm after a small volcano formed under a sidewalk in Hancock. The Hancock volcano, at the edge of the Ramapo Fault zone, has never erupted in our lifetimes and was completely unknown until today. But today, the volcano emitted small puffs of ash and smoke.

Officials insist there is nothing to worry about, even though the small pond near Kirkwood Park has risen by ten degrees over the past twenty four hours. "There is no cause for alarm" stated a representative from the County Commissioners office, "this small volcano is completely harmless other than a bit of ash and toxic smoke."

County officials absolutely deny any comparison exists between this volcano and Paricutin, a volcano in Mexico which suddenly erupted in a farmer's field, killing three people and destroying two towns.

Hancock residents should stay clear of the site. Wearing a face mask will not prevent the inhalation of toxic smoke, which is approximately 2,000,000 nm in size, from the small volcano. However, residents are urged to continue to wear masks while in public to avoid the spread of COVID-19, which is 70–90 nm in size.

One positive bonus from the volcanic activity - some residents are now reporting that they can boil coffee using their well water without a hot water heater.

Officials will continue to monitor the size of the volcano, and inform residents if any further action is needed on their part.

No Mexican farmers witnessed the birth of a mountain while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.