Boonsboro Confused by Black Lives Matter Billboard

BOONSBORO, MD - Several local residents expressed confusion, frustration at a billboard in town which says "Black Lives Matter - Paid for by the People of Boonsboro". While the billboard displays a rather simple message, town residents seem very confused as to its meaning.

Most of the confusion is centered around the part of the sign which reads "Paid for by the People of Boonsboro". Boonsboro residents were shocked when they learned that people can pay for something without government or corporate approval.

"You mean it says paid for by the people but the government didn't pay for it? That can't be - everybody knows you need government approval for people to do anything! Is this some sort of CNN trick? FAKE NEWS!" stated one town resident as he took a break from his Alex Jones podcast.

Another resident, wearing a #WWG1WGA shirt, stated "I don't understand why Boonsboro would need a sign like this. There's no racism in Boonsboro, because there would have to be minorities in Boonsboro for racism to exist, and and all the minorities moved out years ago!"

The town of Boonsboro was forced to release a statement in an attempt to stop the flood of calls to town hall. Early drafts of the statement, which started with "We're not racist, but..." were quickly replaced with more politically correct statements disavowing the town having anything to do with the billboard.

Meanwhile, Sharpsburg's town council has stated that the Boonsboro billboard is "clearly a declaration of war" and that "the South shall rise again" and a formal declaration of war against Boonsboro is forthcoming. The town representative read this statement while standing next to the former slave block on Shepherdstown Pike.

Boonsboro has not yet responded to the declaration of war, but several town residents expressed concern that residents could become quickly confused who was fighting for which town, since so many would be waving Confederate flags.

We'd like to thank the people who donated to this sign for causing this epic hilarity, including Ryan Miner who so generously donated in Jerry DeWolf's and several other local Republicans' names.  The Hagerstown Report (and this article) is satire.

Democrats to Hold Topless Protest in Boonsboro June 14

BOONSBORO, MD - Residents are "shocked and dismayed" by the upcoming topless women protest being held by local Democrats on June 14 in Shafer Park in Boonsboro.

Inspired by recent reports of Ocean City denying topless women on the beach, the local "Resist" group is organizing "Topless Day in the Park" as part of their "Picnic de la Resistance".

The event is planned to be a fun filled day of beer, burgers, brats, and boobies. No wieners will be available or on display.

"We believe the community will come together and support this." stated a local representative. "There's nothing unnatural about a woman's breasts which should prevent their display in public, as long as she's attractive of course!"

Protesters will also have "tip" jars to show appreciation for their protest.

The picnic takes place on June 14, and is sponsored by Mitzi's in Funkstown.

Admission is $10 per person, kids eight and under are free. For ticket information please visit the Facebook event.

Harambe would be disappoint. The Hagerstown Report is satire.