Many people follow the tradition of baking a ham for Christmas, and an opportunity now presents itself that the people of Hagerstown could greatly increase their income through the providing of holiday meals to the wealthy on a yearly basis as part of the recovery efforts from the economic devastation of COVID lockdowns. The people of Hagerstown, MD have, for far too long, found themselves at a disadvantage to the rest of the state. While the state has a median income of over $83,000, the City of Hagerstown's median income is half of this figure at $40,000 - and only a few counties away is one of the richest counties in the United States, Montgomery County, with a median income of almost $100,000. With the ushering in of a new, progressive national administration, it is time to fix this wealth inequality and equalize the median income of these two counties.
It is commonly known that the more wealthy elite of our neighbors to the east enjoy some rather unique delicacies to satisfy their taste pallets. Washington County has always traditionally been an agricultural community, so it is only fitting that this great wealth inequality be resolved through new, revolutionary farming and harvesting techniques. I can think of no better way to fix this wealth inequality than have the great people of Hagerstown utilize our agricultural roots to provide special delicacies to the people of Montgomery County.
As there are approximately 29,386 adults in Hagerstown, 4,899 of which are seniors, and approximately 52% of all Hagerstown residents are female, there are approximately 12,700 women in Hagerstown of child bearing age. Simultaneously, there are approximately 1,000,000 people in Montgomery County. If we assume that median income is distributed across a standard bell curve, then the top 1% income earners in Montgomery County is approximately 10,000 people. The fortunate news for Hagerstown is that the city has more women of child bearing age than the number of Montgomery County residents in the top 1% income bracket.
On average, a child is born weighing 7.5 pounds in the United States, and after one year will weigh on average between 19 and 21 pounds. Coincidentally, the average bone-in Christmas Ham weighs between 10 and 18 pounds. When taking into account that children typically have more bones than a ham, the amount of meat is similar. Now you must admit, that while the average ham costs $1.48 to $1.98 a pound, children are much more difficult to care for in their first year than a pig, so a much higher value should be afforded to children, for example a thousand times more valuable. This means a child should be worth between $1480 to $1980 per pound, producing on average an additional $34,600 income per year for Hagerstown families. This instantly increases the median income of Hagerstown residents to $57,300. representing a significant improvement in quality of life.
As an additional bonus, no longer would religious groups need to protest the abortion clinic in downtown Hagerstown, as their services would no longer be needed or desired. This would result in much more free time for not only the protesters, but also those who volunteer as escorts for people using the clinic's services. I believe that everyone would agree, having more time to spend with family and friends is a benefit for the mental well being of all involved.
The residents of Montgomery County would benefit from this redistribution of wealth as well. Instead of simply losing their income through taxes, this yearly expense could possibly even be tax deductible as an entertainment expense for wealthy business owners attempting to impress their government clients, congressmen, and senators. No more would these events need to be held in the basements of pizza shops or arcades, but could instead really get into the holiday spirit of cooking with open gatherings in their homes, or even in high-end restaurant establishments. Best of all, the potential lifting of COVID lockdowns in Maryland coincides with prime harvesting age for the large population boom which most of the country is facing this December. The timing is absolutely perfect, in that one year from now most of the children conceived as a result of COVID lockdowns will reach the appropriate size and weight. What may have originally been perceived as an economic catastrophe for Hagerstown may indeed be its shining moment to greatly improve its economic standing.
Readers are encouraged to write to President-Elect Biden and Maryland Governor Hogan in support of this plan. Only through your action can the legal framework be put in place to make this tremendous economic boost for Hagerstown a reality.
We hope that Jonathan Swift would be proud. The Hagerstown Report is satire.
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