HAGERSTOWN, MD - Several downtown Hagerstown restaurants have found a creative way of getting around COVID restrictions. By installing retractable roofs over their dining area, what was once indoor dining can now be reclassified as outdoor dining.
"It turns out that being considered "indoors" vs "outdoors" is just a matter of if the roof is permanent. We don't actually even need to have the roof open to be considered outdoors - we just need to prove that the roof can be removed.
State officials are scrambling to figure out what can be done to prevent small businesses from using this loophole. "These restrictions were specifically designed to destroy small businesses, so that more people will rely on government aid. By bypassing these restrictions, they're endangering our future careers as politicians, and that's unacceptable." stated one member of Governor Hogan's staff and upcoming 2024 Hogan for President campaign advisor.
Unlike previous retractable roof systems, which involved many moving parts and were extremely expensive, the new improved retractable systems were inspired by the retractable roof installed on Heinz Field for the Pittsburg Steelers. This system features one large cover with only two hinges, and can be typically be built using common components from local hardware stores.
"We really hope this flushes away COVID" stated one local restaurant owner, "as we know that COVID becomes completely harmless once you're dining outdoors."
COVID restrictions are killing our small businesses and it's really shitty. The Hagerstown Report is satire.
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