Ben Carsong Clarifies Egyptian Grain Pyramid Theory - Soylent Grain

WASHINGTON, DC - Hagerstown Report staff writer and science expert Benny Carsong clarified his "Egyptian Pyramids used for grain storage" theory today.

In his expanded theory, Carsong explains that the ancient Egyptians were facing a food shortage, until the miraculous creation of the food "Soylent Grain".

Soylent Grain wasn't actually a grain at all, but in reality, ground up, human remains - which there just happened to be plenty of in the pyramids. So, parts of the pyramids were turned into food processing centers, under the disguise of "grain storage".

"There's still a lot of protein in mummified remains, and the Egyptians discovered it could be used in place of grain for cooking. It really did revolutionize Egyptian culture, and save them from the brink of starvation."

Carsong came under fire for originally mentioning his grain theory, but now that the theory has been clarified, he feels much better about his chances of possibly coming in third place in the presidential race.

"There's a trophy or something for third place, right guys?"

No politicians lost their sanity while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

Westboro Baptist Church Members Hold Local LGBT Pride Event

ROCKVILLE, MD - November 10th Westboro Baptist Church members will visit Rockville High School to promote LGBT awareness.

WBC a gay and lesbian pride group from Topeka, Kansas, promote LGBT awareness by pretending to be protesters. Some members will protest against LGBT causes, while others will counter-protest.

"It really is about awareness and promoting love," stated an anonymous member, "me and my life partner will be there, and we'll make sure to be as obnoxious as possible in order to pretend to be anti-gay protesters."

The WBC members, all of whom are actually part of the LGBT community, is often mistaken for serious protesters, due to their convincing awareness methods.

"We really stay in-character, it's kinda fun! Then after we're done, we all go to a hotel with our same-sex life partners, have a nice dinner, then leave the next morning."

No crazy cult members drank the kool-aid while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

No Voters Show for Hagerstown Elections, Incumbents Win by Default

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The Hagerstown mayor and city council were re-elected today by default, as no residents showed up to vote.

"I've never seen anything like it," said one election judge, "we've had problems with voter turnout in the past, but surely we expected at least one person to show up."

Election judges were baffled as to how to proceed, as there are no laws covering what to do in the case of no votes.

"We debated for a while, and figured, well, might as well just let the incumbents stay for another term. If people had a problem with it, they would have come out and voted."

If only one person would have showed up for the election, that person would have single-handed determined the future of Hagerstown politics for the next term.

No election judges suffered nervous breakdowns while writing this article. The Hagerstown elections aren't actually until 2016, but every vote counts, so get out and vote! The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

Hagerstown Residents Will Be Required to Recycle ...WHAT!?!

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Today City Council passed a new ordinance requiring all residents to recycle their toilet paper, instead of flushing it down.

"In one year, the average person uses 5,644 square feet of toilet paper. That means every year, Hagerstown flushes 229,214,128 square feet of toilet paper. Think of how many trees have to be cut down, just so you can wipe your ass." stated one council member.

Residents will receive special biohazard recycling bins in the coming weeks, which residents can use to dispose of used toilet paper.

Before placing used toilet paper in the recycling bin, residents should clean the toilet paper by running it under water in the sink, then hang the toilet paper on a clothesline to dry.

Collection will be weekly.

"We're going to be performing spot checks of your sewage output, and if we find you have been flushing your toilet paper instead of recycling it, you'll face a fine."

All recycled toilet paper will be used to help reduce local newspaper printing costs.

No sewer monsters were harmed while writing this article. Please do not attempt to recycle your toilet paper, that's just gross. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

Cearfoss Solar Death Ray to Boost Local Economy

Artist's concept of the Cearfoss Solar Death Ray

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The construction of a solar death ray in the Cearfoss area of Hagerstown promises to vastly improve local tax income through defense spending.

The death ray, known as Archimedes II, is being constructed as part of Department of Homeland Security's "peacekeeper initiative", as a sequel to the Reagan era "Star Wars" program.

When asked about recent rumors that terrorist organizations recently obtained the blueprints for Archimedes II, a top ranking official stated "Any attack made by the terrorists against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they have obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe! I suggest we use it!"

While some local residents are concerned over the possible impact on property values, being so close to a weapon of mass destruction, local officials assure county residents that building the Solar Death Ray is the right thing to do. "We're doing this with or without the support of the community. That's why they elected us after all. Never-mind the fact that one of the county commissioners owns the land, and is going to make a huge profit, this is for the good of the community we swear!"

The county commissioners, including commissioner Barr who owns the property which will be leased for the solar array, could not be reached for comment.

No birds or county commissioners were harmed by solar death rays while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

Trick or Treat Cancelled to Keep From Offending Others

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Trick or Treat has been cancelled this year in Washington County, due to complaints that the event was "too offensive" for some residents.

A recent survey indicated that 1 out of every 150,000 Washington County residents are offended by Trick or Treat, resulting in the County Commissioners cancelling the event completely.

The final vote by the County Commissioners was 1 in favor, 0 opposed. The remaining County Commissioners either abstained from voting or were not present at the meeting.

According to one local resident who wished to remain anonymous, "I used to like Trick or Treat. But then people started dressing up as ghosts using bed sheets. I really think that makes them look like KKK members, so the whole thing should just be cancelled."

Other area residents weren't so thrilled about the event being cancelled.

"I've been trick or treating for 36 years! I've got the perfect costume too. I wear a white sheet with a cross on it, and tell people I'm actually two kids dressed up as the holy ghost! Most people just give me candy and laugh, but there's this one guy who always yells at me saying I'm a racist. I sure hope that's not why they cancelled Trick or Treat this year..."

The Washington County Commissioners were unavailable for comment.

No ghosts or ghouls were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

East Coast To Be Covered With Latex Rain Due to Potomac Chemical Spill

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Weather experts are warning that the impossible timing between Hurricane Joaquin and the recent chemical spill in the Potomac River of 10,000 gallons of latex may result in a "perfect storm" of events leading to the entire east coast becoming covered in latex.

The latex rain may occur as a result of the mixing of the spilled latex with a chemical called "dihydrogen monoxide".

"When the latex and dihydrogen monoxide mixed, it formed a milky white liquid which started travelling rapidly down the Potomac. As the milky white liquid encounters Joaquin, it may be sucked up, and Joaquin will then, due to excessive lower pressure, proceed to cover the entire east coast with that same milky white liquid." stated one weather expert.

The milky white liquid should be considered non-toxic, but residents are advised that prolonged exposure may result in certain side effects resembling morning sickness.

No weathermen were impregnated while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.