Maryland Saves Up To Two Marine Animals Per Year with Balloon Release Ban

Every year 314 million kg of plastic waste ends up in the ocean. This has the devastating effect of killing over 100,000 marine animals every year, and balloons are responsible for 5% of sea turtle deaths. The United States is responsible for 703,000 kg of this plastic waste. Balloon fragments account for approximately 2% of this waste.

Assuming that Maryland's fair share of plastic waste in the ocean is directly proportional to the state's population (6 million) compared to the rest of the country (330 million), this means Maryland is responsible for 1.8% of the 703,000 kg of plastic waste, or 12,654 kg. Assuming that every balloon released in the State of Maryland is intentional, by banning balloon releases, the State of Maryland has reduced the plastic waste per year by 2%, which comes out to 253 kg less plastic waste in the ocean, per year.

That means instead of 314,000,000 kg of plastic waste in the ocean per year, we now have 313,999,747 kg. That's a reduction of 0.00002%! Assuming that the amount of plastic waste in the ocean is directly proportionate to the number of marine animal deaths, this means through the State of Maryland's action they have saved up to two marine animals per year. Of course, this assumes that all of the balloon releases in the state have been intentional, so any accidental balloon releases may reduce the impact, and possibly negate any benefit whatsoever.

We at the Hagerstown Report applaud the State of Maryland for focusing on such important issues, and rescuing those two innocent marine animals per year by banning intentional balloon releases, which is undoubtedly one of the most important issues of our time.

Your virtue signals have not gone unnoticed.

While this article may contain some high doses of sarcasm, the calculations are not satire.

Poison Dart Frogs Accidentally Released at Hagerstown City Park

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Due to a shipping mistake, the city council's attempt to beautify Hagerstown City Park has introduced an unexpected species into the park - the poison dart frog.

It all seemed like a well-intentioned plan. The native frog population in Hagerstown City Park has been dwindling for years, to the point that only two native frogs remain. To correct this issue, the Hagerstown City Council approved a plan which introduced fifty frogs of the same species native to Hagerstown into the park to repopulate the species.

Unfortunately, the vendor which won the frog importation contract mixed up the order with an order for a research laboratory in Hagerstown, Indiana. When city officials opened the boxes to release our new froggy friends, they were horrified to immediately notice the wrong frogs had been provided.

Poison dart frogs are one of the most poisonous species on the planet, and even their skin is toxic to humans and other animals.

Visitors to City Park are asked not to pickup any brightly colored frogs in the area, and should also watch above their heads in trees for the frogs. The Maryland Department of the Environment has dispatched a cleanup crew who are treating the frogs as an invasive species, and working to capture and relocate them accordingly. As long as visitors keep their distance, the frogs will not be dangerous.

Under no circumstances should residents take the frogs home for domestication or usage as cooking ingredients.

Also, please do not attempt to feed the frogs.

Ms. Piggy was not amused. The Hagerstown Report is Satire.

FredCo Council Proposes Toilet Paper Ban, Violent Crime Law Reform

FREDERICK, MD - During today's council meeting, the Frederick County Council proposed a new county ordinance prohibiting the sale, usage, or import of toilet paper in Frederick County. This new ordinance is designed to further reduce Frederick County's carbon footprint.

"One tree can create 200 rolls of toilet paper. The average person uses 100 rolls of toilet paper per year. This means that by eliminating the usage of toilet paper, we can save approximately 130,000 trees per year from being harvested." stated one county council member.

The new ordinance requires that Frederick County residents not use "any disposable toiletry product, including toilet paper or flushable wipes. This ordinance also prohibits the usage of paper products such as newspapers, napkins, paper towels, or magazines." Alternative recommendations include using your bare hand, a bidet, or the usage of a reusable glove. Violation of this ordinance includes a mandatory minimum of one year in jail, with a maximum of ten years per square of toilet paper used.

Additionally, in response to recent developments surrounding the sentencing of probation for a teen who killed an attendee of the Frederick County Fair, the County Council proposed a new ordinance designed to overhaul the criminal justice system more in line with this ruling.  

Under this new ordinance, violent crimes such as assault and murder are instantly downgraded to misdemeanors. New maximum sentencing guidelines are as follows:

• First offense (assault or murder): 30 Days Probation
• Second offense (assault or murder): 60 Days Probation
• Third offense (assault or murder): 30 Days in a Minimum Security facility with TV and microwave mandatory in jail cell
• Fourth offense or more (assault or murder): 60 Days in above Minimum Security facility

NOTE: County officials, including judges, county council, and board of education members are exempt from these laws completely, and may not be charged with any of these crimes.

We congratulate Frederick County on taking such a progressive stance towards environmental and criminal justice reforms, and can't wait until Washington County follows suit (after we're finished renaming all of our school sports teams to nondescript names which could never remotely offend anyone).

No county council members wiped with their bare hand while writing this article - at least we hope they didn't.  The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Migratory Lake Dolphins Return to Hagerstown City Park

HAGERSTOWN, MD - After nearly a century, accompanied by the successful return of dolphins to the Potomac River thanks to cleaner waters, migratory lake dolphins have begun to swim up the Potomac's creeks and streams and return to local freshwater lakes. The first of the dolphins arrived this week during an unusual January warm spell.

The dolphins will take refuge near the warmer bottom of the lake during cold periods until spring.

"So far the alligator doesn't seem bothered by them" stated a City of Hagerstown official, "she is after all trained to only eat geese."

However, many of the other wildlife in City Park, including the resident ducks and geese, seemed agitated at the presence of their new amphibious mammal friends. Most of the animals are now proceeding to shallower parts of the park lake, where the dolphins can't swim.

In the spring, the City will host a "welcome home" event for the dolphins. The event, sponsored by Starkist, will give all attendees "mostly dolphin free" canned tuna as part of the celebration.

What's that girl? Timmy fell down the well? Whatever, you're a dolphin not a border collie. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Malicious A.I. Takes Over Frederick County Computer Systems

FREDERICK, MD - All they wanted to do was save the environment. However, due to a typo, Frederick County Government accidentally ordered "skynet" instead of the intended "sky nets" designed to stop illegal balloon releases in Frederick County. Upon installation of "skynet" artificial intelligence (AI) on their computer systems, all access has been locked out and the computer is now telling Frederick County how it wants to run things.

"We totally thought the hard disk we received in the mail was deployment instructions for the balloon net," stated a Frederick County employee who wished to remain anonymous, "but when we plugged it in, the computer completely freezes then starts talking to us!"

Frederick County officials are denying that anything has happened, and insist that everything is fine.  However, insiders in the Frederick County Government have informed us that the computer program is taking over the county, and even going so far as to write new legislation and sending to the County Council demanding that they implement it.

"Apparently when we ordered sky nets to protect the environment, someone accidentally typed skynet instead.  So now we've got this crazy computer program telling us what legislation to enact," said the inside source.

So far the computer program has demanded that the County Council enact the following legislation:

• Ban on single-use plastic straws
• Mandatory recycling of lightly soiled toilet paper (instead of flushing)
• $0.25 tax on single use plastic bags in grocery stores
• Complete ban on county farms used for any meat products
• Complete ban on the sale and consumption of meat products within the county
• Replacement of all county power with solar, wind, and hydroelectric by 2022
• Immediately erecting a 25-foot tall statue of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez on Market Street

It is unknown if the County Council intends to meet the demands of the AI program, but Kai Hagen has already given the program his unwavering seal of approval.

Recycling lightly soiled toilet paper would be a pretty crappy situation. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Dihydrogen Monoxide Found at Scene of Burger King Demolition

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The demolition of the Burger King on Dual Highway has been completed, but local concerns and confusion remains.

Few residents expected the sudden demolition of the local fast food joint, and many wondered why. Today, significant amounts of Dihydrogen Monoxide (DHMO) were found by passersby.

"It's everywhere!" claimed a local resident. "It's covering the entire site, and today there was even some of the DHMO in the sky! It's crazy!"

Dihydrogen Monoxide, aka Hydrogen Hydroxide, aka DHMO, an industrial solvent and coolant, is an "enabling component" of acid rain -- in the absence of sufficient quantities of DHMO, acid rain is not a problem. Significant amounts of DHMO were also present at the recent chemical plant fire in Houston during Hurricane Harvey.

You can read more about DHMO at DHMO.org

If you are concerned about the effects of DHMO on your family, The Hagerstown Report has DHMO protective gear for sale.

Representatives from Burger King and the City of Hagerstown could not be reached for comment.

Eat recycled food. It's good for the environment, and okay for you. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Leiters Mill Road Bridge Closes to Protect Endangered Fur Bearing Trout

Picture of fur bearing trout. CC BY 2.0 Samantha Marx

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The discovery of the endangered fur bearing trout nesting below Leiters Mill Road Bridge has prompted officials to close the bridge as precautions are put in place to encourage the fish to reproduce, and protect the fish from warm weather in the spring. The bridge will close February 15, and will remain closed for at least six months.

The fur bearing trout, first discovered in Scotland, is a rare mutation of rainbow trout, in which the fish adapts to colder climates by growing fur.

"We thought they were extinct in Washington County because of all the mild winters we've had lately," stated one official, "but the colder weather these past few months must have brought them out of hibernation."

The trout cannot survive in warmer waters, as they overheat due to the fur surrounding their bodies. The Maryland Department of the Environment will work closely with the Environmental Protection Agency to ensure cooler systems will be installed under the bridge to prevent the trout from overheating during the spring and summer.

Much like cicadas, fur bearing trout typically spend their warmer months burrowing under the stream bed, where the temperature is cooler. However, because the fur bearing trout have appeared late in the season, they may not hibernate in time to avoid the spring's heat.

Area residents are reminded that since the fur bearing trout is an endangered species, should you accidentally catch the fish, you must immediately release it back to the wild.

No EPA officials were baffled by mysterious fish while writing this post. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

Hagerstown Do-nut Drop Draws Attention of PETA!?!

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The annual New Years "do-nut drop" may not go according to plan, if the current flavor do-nut is used.

This year's do-nut is banana flavored. Everyone seemed to think this was a great idea, until a local animal rights organization mentioned that a giant ape may find the do-nut appealing, and possibly crash the party. Since giant apes are endangered species, Hagerstown would be helpless to stop it.

"It's a worst case scenario", stated one city council member who wished to remain anonymous. "If a giant ape decides to crash the party, we're done for. He'll find the tallest building in Hagerstown, and start munching on his do-nut. Our hands are really tied due to Maryland's environmental regulations. Our only option at this point is to change the do-nut flavor."

A giant ape in New York City, 2005

Upon hearing that the city was considering changing the flavor of the do-nut, a PETA spokesperson provided the following statement, "We at PETA believe that giant apes have a right to feed and take up residence in tall buildings. I'm sure everyone has seen Peter Jackson's documentary on what happens if a local government doesn't give such an animal the necessary space. If the City of Hagerstown changes the do-nut flavor and deprives the ape its food, we will be forced to file suit in Federal court."

Rhedosaurus in New York City, 1997

PETA made similar threats to the city of New York in 1997 when special lights in the New Years Eve ball ran the risk of attracting a Rhedosaurus. New York City took these threats seriously, and allowed the Rhedosaurus to roam free in New York on New Years Eve.

A video of the incident is available on YouTube.

No extinct or mythical creatures were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

Hagerstown Residents Will Be Required to Recycle ...WHAT!?!

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Today City Council passed a new ordinance requiring all residents to recycle their toilet paper, instead of flushing it down.

"In one year, the average person uses 5,644 square feet of toilet paper. That means every year, Hagerstown flushes 229,214,128 square feet of toilet paper. Think of how many trees have to be cut down, just so you can wipe your ass." stated one council member.

Residents will receive special biohazard recycling bins in the coming weeks, which residents can use to dispose of used toilet paper.

Before placing used toilet paper in the recycling bin, residents should clean the toilet paper by running it under water in the sink, then hang the toilet paper on a clothesline to dry.

Collection will be weekly.

"We're going to be performing spot checks of your sewage output, and if we find you have been flushing your toilet paper instead of recycling it, you'll face a fine."

All recycled toilet paper will be used to help reduce local newspaper printing costs.

No sewer monsters were harmed while writing this article. Please do not attempt to recycle your toilet paper, that's just gross. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

OPINION: Ban DHMO in Washington County

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Recent studies have found Washington County is severely contaminated with Hydric Acid, which is also known as Dihydrogen Monoxide (DHMO). Residents should be very concerned by this, and contact their elected officials immediately to ask them to ban DHMO.

DHMO is an industrial solvent and coolant, and has previously been found at the Central Chemical Superfund Site located in Hagerstown, MD.

However, recent studies have found DHMO not only in the ground, but in our streams, ponds, and even the air we breathe. DHMO was even found inside the old MELP plant in Hagerstown.

According to the Material Safety Data Sheet, DHMO is not currently regulated, but reacts vigorously with sodium, potassium,  and other alkali metals.

The Hagerstown Report urges readers to contact their elected officials today, and demand a ban of the use of DHMO be put in place county-wide.

No aquatic life was harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.