Local KKK Member Upset he was "Mistaken for Celtic Ghost"

SHARPSBURG, MD - A local Klu Klux Klan member is starting an awareness campaign after he was mistaken for a ghost last Halloween instead of a racist.

"It really hurts you know, I spend all this time sitting on my porch trying to spread my message of hate during trick-or-treat, and all these kids keep running up and telling me they love my ghost costume."

The Sharpsburg man, who requested to only be known as "John", is a twelfth degree grand dragon samurai voodoo zen master in his local KKK chapter. He started sitting on his porch to try and raise awareness of the "good things the KKK does in our community". When asked for a few examples, he changed the topic.

However, after receiving zero complaints about being a KKK member, and multiple compliments for his "Celtic ghost costume", John is stepping up his game with a large sign that reads "I'm a racist not a ghost".

"I'm really trying to show people that racism is alive and well, and that we're still here!" said John, "The mainstream media has done an excellent job in exaggerating the extent that racism exists in this country, and we're trying to build on that to make a comeback."

John and many like him face huge challenges across the country. Despite overexaggerated reports by sensationalized cable news stations, racism is almost non-existant in the United States today. KKK membership is at an all-time low, with at most probably about 500 members nationwide. In fact, most people have a higher chance of being struck by lightning than meeting a KKK member. The truth of the matter is that racism is dying, and despite media's attempts to breathe life into the ashes, it's simply not coming back.

"It's tough. Nobody comes to the meetings anymore. It's usually just me and my uncle-brother Billy-Bob." said John as he wiped away a tear.

Do grand dragons do the angry dragon? The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Halloween Canceled Due to National Clown Epidemic

Washington, D.C. - Today President Obama announced that Halloween is canceled this year due to the large number of clown sightings across the country.

"I'm signing an executive order which prohibits trick or treat, costume parties, or the like." stated the President.

Citing public safety, the President signed today an unprecedented executive order affecting the celebration of a day which isn't even recognized as a Federal holiday.

There is, however, a silver lining. While Halloween may be canceled, United States residents can still get in their fill of horror and screams on November 8. You may even get to see a few clowns.

Trick, but the comments will be treats! The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Trick or Treat Cancelled to Keep From Offending Others

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Trick or Treat has been cancelled this year in Washington County, due to complaints that the event was "too offensive" for some residents.

A recent survey indicated that 1 out of every 150,000 Washington County residents are offended by Trick or Treat, resulting in the County Commissioners cancelling the event completely.

The final vote by the County Commissioners was 1 in favor, 0 opposed. The remaining County Commissioners either abstained from voting or were not present at the meeting.

According to one local resident who wished to remain anonymous, "I used to like Trick or Treat. But then people started dressing up as ghosts using bed sheets. I really think that makes them look like KKK members, so the whole thing should just be cancelled."

Other area residents weren't so thrilled about the event being cancelled.

"I've been trick or treating for 36 years! I've got the perfect costume too. I wear a white sheet with a cross on it, and tell people I'm actually two kids dressed up as the holy ghost! Most people just give me candy and laugh, but there's this one guy who always yells at me saying I'm a racist. I sure hope that's not why they cancelled Trick or Treat this year..."

The Washington County Commissioners were unavailable for comment.

No ghosts or ghouls were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.