Park Lake, Local Pools May Turn Blood Red Due to Sahara Dust Cloud

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The Hagerstown City Park lake as well as local pools may turn blood red due to the approaching Sahara Dust Cloud. Residents should not be alarmed, as the water will still be safe.

The dust cloud, made mostly of ferrous and sand material, traveled across the Atlantic ocean and is expected to enter the jetstream this weekend, and arrive in the Hagerstown area between Wednesday and Friday. Heavier ferrous material will be deposited within local waterways, and begin to rust. Normally for most waterways, the ferrous material will be carried away to the bay and eventually ocean, dispersing before they can start to accumulate noticeable discoloration.

Photo of City Park after the 1972 Sahara Dust Storm

The last time this occurred was in 1972 when a major drought in the Sahara desert resulted in turning the city park lake a bright red for approximately 45 minutes. Afterwards, the ferrous material started to dissipate and the lake returned to its normal color.

Residents are encouraged to take photos should this phenomenon occur, and not panic. The change in color is natural, and has nothing to do with recent violence in the city. The red color will be rust, not blood, and has nothing to do with the statistic that in 2019 that 6.44 out of 1,000 residents were a victim of violent crime, which is higher than the national average of 4 out of 1,000, and is only safer than 11% of all cities in the United States.

If you'd like to witness this phenomenon firsthand, the city park lake is expected to turn red on Friday July 3 at 4:52 pm, give or take twenty minutes. If you capture a photo of this amazing natural wonder, please post it to our Facebook!

Sadly the only real part of this article are the crime statistics. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

March East Coast Snow Event May be "Apocalyptic"

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The National Weather Service has revised its predictions for the east coast snow storm, an it doesn't look good. "This is a fundamental shift in weather patterns we've never seen before this late in March."

The National Weather Service is predicting up to 30 inches of snow in a 24 hour period, just in the DC Metro area, starting mid-day Monday.

This type of weather shows a fundamental shift in the Earth's climate. We were wrong, the Earth isn't getting warmer, it's getting cooler - and it's about to do so rapidly.

Residents across the eastern seaboard should expect mass mayhem, including out-of-stock milk, bread, water, and eggs. Cats may be sleeping with dogs, and biblical levels of disease and famine may be witnessed across the land.

Stock up, take shelter in your fallout shelter or basement, and prepare for a long several months. Winter is coming.

UPDATE: Any rumors of this change in weather due to crazy experiments by mad scientist "Brittany Wedd" at the Discovery Station in Hagerstown are unfounded, and such reports shall not be entertained here.

No meteorologists were struck by meteors while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Possible East-Coast Blizzard This Week, Warming Period After

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The National Weather Service has issued a warning that the East Coast could experience significant snowfall on Wednesday night through Thursday, followed by a much warmer several days.

Residents of the Hagerstown area are encouraged to stock up on bread, milk, eggs, toilet paper, and sunscreen.

Residents may also experience discomfort with unusually high temperatures Friday and Saturday.

Temperatures will return to 70 degrees on Sunday.

Seriously, will we even be around for Saturday? The Hagerstown Report is satire.

East Coast To Be Covered With Latex Rain Due to Potomac Chemical Spill

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Weather experts are warning that the impossible timing between Hurricane Joaquin and the recent chemical spill in the Potomac River of 10,000 gallons of latex may result in a "perfect storm" of events leading to the entire east coast becoming covered in latex.

The latex rain may occur as a result of the mixing of the spilled latex with a chemical called "dihydrogen monoxide".

"When the latex and dihydrogen monoxide mixed, it formed a milky white liquid which started travelling rapidly down the Potomac. As the milky white liquid encounters Joaquin, it may be sucked up, and Joaquin will then, due to excessive lower pressure, proceed to cover the entire east coast with that same milky white liquid." stated one weather expert.

The milky white liquid should be considered non-toxic, but residents are advised that prolonged exposure may result in certain side effects resembling morning sickness.

No weathermen were impregnated while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.