Hagerstown Do-nut Drop Draws Attention of PETA!?!

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The annual New Years "do-nut drop" may not go according to plan, if the current flavor do-nut is used.

This year's do-nut is banana flavored. Everyone seemed to think this was a great idea, until a local animal rights organization mentioned that a giant ape may find the do-nut appealing, and possibly crash the party. Since giant apes are endangered species, Hagerstown would be helpless to stop it.

"It's a worst case scenario", stated one city council member who wished to remain anonymous. "If a giant ape decides to crash the party, we're done for. He'll find the tallest building in Hagerstown, and start munching on his do-nut. Our hands are really tied due to Maryland's environmental regulations. Our only option at this point is to change the do-nut flavor."

A giant ape in New York City, 2005

Upon hearing that the city was considering changing the flavor of the do-nut, a PETA spokesperson provided the following statement, "We at PETA believe that giant apes have a right to feed and take up residence in tall buildings. I'm sure everyone has seen Peter Jackson's documentary on what happens if a local government doesn't give such an animal the necessary space. If the City of Hagerstown changes the do-nut flavor and deprives the ape its food, we will be forced to file suit in Federal court."

Rhedosaurus in New York City, 1997

PETA made similar threats to the city of New York in 1997 when special lights in the New Years Eve ball ran the risk of attracting a Rhedosaurus. New York City took these threats seriously, and allowed the Rhedosaurus to roam free in New York on New Years Eve.

A video of the incident is available on YouTube.

No extinct or mythical creatures were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.