"We totally thought the hard disk we received in the mail was deployment instructions for the balloon net," stated a Frederick County employee who wished to remain anonymous, "but when we plugged it in, the computer completely freezes then starts talking to us!"
Frederick County officials are denying that anything has happened, and insist that everything is fine. However, insiders in the Frederick County Government have informed us that the computer program is taking over the county, and even going so far as to write new legislation and sending to the County Council demanding that they implement it.
"Apparently when we ordered sky nets to protect the environment, someone accidentally typed skynet instead. So now we've got this crazy computer program telling us what legislation to enact," said the inside source.
So far the computer program has demanded that the County Council enact the following legislation:
- Ban on single-use plastic straws
- Mandatory recycling of lightly soiled toilet paper (instead of flushing)
- $0.25 tax on single use plastic bags in grocery stores
- Complete ban on county farms used for any meat products
- Complete ban on the sale and consumption of meat products within the county
- Replacement of all county power with solar, wind, and hydroelectric by 2022
- Immediately erecting a 25-foot tall statue of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez on Market Street
It is unknown if the County Council intends to meet the demands of the AI program, but Kai Hagen has already given the program his unwavering seal of approval.
Recycling lightly soiled toilet paper would be a pretty crappy situation. The Hagerstown Report is satire.
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