FredCo Council Proposes Toilet Paper Ban, Violent Crime Law Reform

FREDERICK, MD - During today's council meeting, the Frederick County Council proposed a new county ordinance prohibiting the sale, usage, or import of toilet paper in Frederick County. This new ordinance is designed to further reduce Frederick County's carbon footprint.

"One tree can create 200 rolls of toilet paper. The average person uses 100 rolls of toilet paper per year. This means that by eliminating the usage of toilet paper, we can save approximately 130,000 trees per year from being harvested." stated one county council member.

The new ordinance requires that Frederick County residents not use "any disposable toiletry product, including toilet paper or flushable wipes. This ordinance also prohibits the usage of paper products such as newspapers, napkins, paper towels, or magazines." Alternative recommendations include using your bare hand, a bidet, or the usage of a reusable glove. Violation of this ordinance includes a mandatory minimum of one year in jail, with a maximum of ten years per square of toilet paper used.

Additionally, in response to recent developments surrounding the sentencing of probation for a teen who killed an attendee of the Frederick County Fair, the County Council proposed a new ordinance designed to overhaul the criminal justice system more in line with this ruling.  

Under this new ordinance, violent crimes such as assault and murder are instantly downgraded to misdemeanors. New maximum sentencing guidelines are as follows:

• First offense (assault or murder): 30 Days Probation
• Second offense (assault or murder): 60 Days Probation
• Third offense (assault or murder): 30 Days in a Minimum Security facility with TV and microwave mandatory in jail cell
• Fourth offense or more (assault or murder): 60 Days in above Minimum Security facility

NOTE: County officials, including judges, county council, and board of education members are exempt from these laws completely, and may not be charged with any of these crimes.

We congratulate Frederick County on taking such a progressive stance towards environmental and criminal justice reforms, and can't wait until Washington County follows suit (after we're finished renaming all of our school sports teams to nondescript names which could never remotely offend anyone).

No county council members wiped with their bare hand while writing this article - at least we hope they didn't.  The Hagerstown Report is satire.