Hagerstown Mayor Race Declared Tie

Jonathan Hager's Dueling Pistols

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The votes are finally counted, and residents won't believe the result. Incumbent Mayor Gysberts and former Mayor Bruchey received the exact same number of votes.

Fortunately, the Hagerstown charter, written by Jonathan Hager in 1762, allows for a quick and decisive resolution to the tie. Both candidates will have a duel in Hagerstown town square within ninety days of the election.

The charter requires the two candidates use the dueling pistol set originally owned by Jonathan Hager himself, which are said to contain "divine powers" which will ultimately help decide the winner of the election.

The rules are simple. Gysberts and Bruchey will each have one shot. The survivor becomes Mayor.

Currently, odds are 2 to 1 that Bruchey will win the duel, as he has extensive firearms training throughout his career. However, very little is known about Gysberts' hobbies, and he may surprise us and be an excellent marksman.

The duel is currently scheduled for Thursday, November 31, at 12 noon. The Hagerstown charter requires the duel be precisely at noon, so as neither candidate will have an advantage over the other with the position of the sun.

Since Gysberts is the incumbent, he will have the choice of which side of Potomac street he wishes to stand on.

Did you know muzzle loaders aren't actually considered firearms? The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Mexico and Canada Volunteer to Pay for Trump's Border Wall

In a surprise move, today Canada and Mexico both agreed to construct walls between the United States and their countries.

"I didn't even have to ask them!" stated President-Elect Donald Trump.

Both countries have suddenly found themselves with a shocking amount of illegal immigrants from the United States - mostly US residents looking to escape the country before Trump takes office.

"It was so bad, our immigration website crashed last night" stated a Canadian official, "I mean yea our website is powered by green energy, and we had to bring in a second exercise bike to power the server aye! But it's working again now!"

Some border jumpers were quite surprised upon reaching the country of their destination. "What do you mean you need n ID to vote in Canada and Mexico? Don't these people know it's clearly racist!"

Furthermore, must to their surprise, Mexico has a strict anti-illegal immigration law, and violators could be faced with jail time.

"I really didn't realize that these other countries were more strict than us on this stuff!" claimed one border jumper as he was being detained by Mexican authorities.

Mexican drug cartels have already started creating their own border patrol groups, detaining any United States citizens who attempt to enter the country illegally.

Pink Floyd would be proud. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

You Won't Believe who The Hagerstown Report Endorses for President

HAGERSTOWN, MD - After much debate, The Hagerstown Report has decided to follow suit with several other news organizations across the globe and announce our endorsement for President of the United States.

We find ourselves faced with a decision of paramount proportions.

This candidate wants to unify not just the United States, but the entire world, for a single cause.

Unfortunately, our candidate is not without his flaws. Many feel this candidate wants too much power, or that the candidate is a warmonger who shall only bring us death and destruction. The Hagerstown Report rejects those statements, and feel that our candidate will do what is right for our country and the rest of the world.

That is why we at The Hagerstown Report officially endorse Cthulhu, the Great Old One, for President of the United States. When faced with a choice of two evils, why settle for the lesser evil?

Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn. The Hagerstown Report is Satire.

Local Business Owner Recovers Hillary Clinton's Emails

HAGERSTOWN, MD - A local business owner was recently requested to attempt retrieval of Hillary's emails from her personal email server, as part of a Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) request.

Local business owner Chris Abbott, who owns My Tech computer services on Dual Highway in Hagerstown, volunteered to perform forensic analysis of the server free of charge, as a service to his country.

Unfortunately, analysis of the server indicates some of the emails will be completely irretrievable.

"You see, sometimes email servers can be used for multiple domains. Not only did this email server host clintonfoundation.org, but it also hosted several other sites being operated by the Clintons." according to Abbott.

When asked to elaborate, Abbott was a bit hesitant at first to discuss what else was hosted on the server. "Well, I can't get into too many details, but unfortunately most of Hillary's emails were overwritten by emails for another site called Slick Willy's Dating Service. These were rather, um, large emails, and took up a lot of space, overwriting other emails on the server."

After going into some technical details our reporter simply didn't understand, Abbott finally simplified things. "So, these emails, which were all addressed to bill@slickwillysdating.net, they contained a lot of porn. We're not just talking regular porn, we're talking BDSM, with chains, whips, that sort of thing. These emails had very large images and videos attached, and it overwrote everything else on the email server."

Abbott was successful in retrieving some of Hillary's more recent emails, and will be passing them on to the State Department for release under FOIA.

No artificial life forms were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.