Hagerstown Dinosaur Geneticist Nominated to head US Space Force

HAGERSTOWN, MD - With the announcement by President Donald Trump regarding the formation of the US Space Force, the President has selected local Dinosaur Geneticist Brittany Wedd to head the new branch of the Armed Forces.

"We're going to make space great again!" exclaimed the president, as he signed the executive order exempting Wedd from military service in order to have her run the new branch. "We're going to do SCIENCE, only the best SCIENCE. And we're going to make Mars pay for it!".  Trump then said the word SCIENCE several more times, for emphasis.

When asked regarding Wedd's qualifications, Trump spoke highly of her ability to "science anything", and how "she does a lot of science, so she must know a lot of science, plus I hear she's really good at managing the social media for the local science museum."

Wedd has recently come under investigation regarding her role in the "Jurassic Parkgate", specifically the rumors that she has been cloning dinosaurs in her lab underneath the Discovery Station.

According to Wedd, her process involves splicing the genes of dinosaurs with the genes of Ally the Alligator from city park.  The resulting dinosaurs will only attack geese, and leave humans and other animals alone.

The first of her experimental dinosaurs, a T-Rex, was placed in city park earlier this year, after a brief incident regarding the New Years Eve do-nut drop. Wedd will continue her dinosaur cloning experiments until US Space Force is officially up and running.

No phallic shaped rockets were launched into space while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

How THR found the racist Facebook user behind the Trump wrestling meme

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The racist Facebook user who initially claimed credit for President Donald Trump's tweet that showed Trump torturing The Hagerstown Report in a wrestling match issued an apology Tuesday for the meme and other offensive content he posted -- one day after The Hagerstown Report identified the man behind the account and attempted to make contact with him.

The Facebook user, whose screenname is so racist and vulgar it can't even be printed here, first shared the image on November 31, 2016, at precisely 8:37 pm. Using numerology, our writers were able to use this post as well as digital forensic evidence from the obviously racist photoshop methods to pinpoint his exact GPS coordinates, where we sent in a remote control drone to announce that we are on to him.

Now the user is apologizing, after The Hagerstown Report sent our Italian cousin "Bruno" to the user's home to show him what an actual wrestling match feels like.

"He won't be doing that again!" said Bruno, "the only thing he might be doing is writing a book called Fifty Shades of Black and Blue!"

The user has now apologized, as well as removed all of his offensive "My Little Pony" memes from his personal Facebook page. After posting his apology, the user called Bruno and let Bruno know that he could release his prized alpaca from being held hostage.

Trump has not issued an apology for the tweet, because obviously he's racist.

The user who created the meme is still a racist, but we have blackmail material now, and the user won't be doing anything like this again, or we'll publicly release his personal information.

Checkmate alt-right keyboard warriors. Mainstream media wins this round.

No memelords were injured while writing this post. The Hagerstown Report is satire, which is sadly sometimes mirrored by reality.

Trump Announces New National Security Advisor - A Manatee?!?!?

Washington, DC - Today Donald Trump announced that he has chosen a new National Security Advisor - a manatee.

"We got the idea from South Park" stated a Whitehouse representative. "Manatees are un-corruptible, and can't have ties to any foreign government. Because they're manatees."

Under the new system, a manatee will be given his own tank with "idea balls", which the manatee will then feed into a machine to help decide foreign policy.

"It truly is a remarkable system!"

For a demonstration of how the system works, please visit South Park Studios.

No sea creatures were given control of our nuclear arsenal while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Rich American Politician Seeks Business Partner?

Just got this email! We're gonna be RICH!!!!!

Subject: Dear Respected One, 

GREETINGS, 

Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business relationship with you. I got your contact from the International web site directory. I prayed over it and selected your name among other names due to it’s esteeming nature and the recommendations given to me as a reputable and trust worthy person I can do business with and by the recommendations I must not hesitate to confide in you for this simple and sincere business. I am an American businessman born in Jamaica, Queens. My father was a very wealthy real estate tycoon in New York City, before he passed away in 1999. When my father died, my mother took me and my younger brother Robert special because we are fatherless. Before the death of my mother on 7th August 2001 in a private hospital here. She secretly called me on her bedside and told me that he has a sum of $12.500.000 (Twelve Million, five hundred thousand dollars) left in a suspense account in a local Bank here in New Yotk, that she used my name as her Son for the next of kin in deposit of the fund. She also explained to me that it was because of this wealth and some huge amount of money her business associates supposed to balance her from the deal they had that she was poisoned by her business associates, that I should seek for a God fearing foreign partner in the United States where I will transfer this money and use it for investment purpose, (such as real estate management). Due to a recent political election and my newest position, I am unable to withdraw this money directly.
Sir, we are honourably seeking your assistance in the following ways. 

1) To provide a Bank account where this money would be transferred to.
2) To serve as the guardian of this money. 

Moreover Sir, we are willing to offer you 15% of the sum as compensation for effort input after the successful transfer of this fund to your designate account overseas. please feel free to contact ,me via this email address
Anticipating to hear from you soon.Thanks and God Bless. 

Best regards.
Donald J. Trump

Queen Elizabeth Vows to Reclaim America from Trump

LONDON, ENGLAND - "We're going to take back the colonies!" exclaimed United Kingdom Queen Elizabeth.

Shortly after the inauguration of Donald Trump, the 45th President of the United States, Queen Elizabeth announced her plan to retake the United States and make them British colonies again.

The United Kingdom has declared that after its departure from the European Union, the UK will reclaim the United States and form the new nation of Oceania.

Offering diplomacy first, Queen Elizabeth stated that she will first offer Trump to purchase all United States national debt, as well as pay him Eight Billion USD as compensation.

Trump, author of "The Art of the Deal", stated that he would "seriously consider" the United Kingdom's offer to purchase the United States from him.

Not to be deterred, Queen Elizabeth warned that this was a "limited time offer", and that if needed, the United Kingdom shall take back the United States by force.

"It won't take much really, all we have to do is promise everyone in the United States free stuff, and they'll blindly fight for liberation from Trump." stated a spokesperson for the Ministry of Peace.

As part of the acquisition, every United States citizen will receive a free interactive flat-screen television. This revolutionary technology will allow citizens to interact with their politicians in real-time!

George Orwell was psychic, just off by a few years. The Hagerstown Report is satire. For now.

Trump Inauguration to be Moved to Hagerstown, MD

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Today many residents may have noticed the excessive number of helicopters flying overhead. These helicopters are part of the preparations for the presidential inauguration.

Due to growing security concerns, the presidential inauguration of Donald Trump is being moved to Hagerstown.

The inauguration will take place outside 101 W. Washington Street at noon on January 20th.

"Hagerstown was chosen because of its proximity to the nation's capital, and its overwhelming support of the Trump campaign." stated one of Trump's staff.

Trump will land at the Hagerstown airport in a gold-plated jet, then be escorted to downtown Hagerstown by approximately two hundred volunteers from Washington County. To be eligible to be part of Trump's honor detail, local residents must have at least two tattoos featuring obscenities, or own at least one Confederate Flag. Special considerations may also be provided for those who follow Trump on Twitter.

"This is an exciting time for Hagerstown" stated one of the city council. "We welcome President-elect Trump, and look forward to his purchase of our city!"

The next four years are going to provide endless material to make satire great again! The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Mexico and Canada Volunteer to Pay for Trump's Border Wall

In a surprise move, today Canada and Mexico both agreed to construct walls between the United States and their countries.

"I didn't even have to ask them!" stated President-Elect Donald Trump.

Both countries have suddenly found themselves with a shocking amount of illegal immigrants from the United States - mostly US residents looking to escape the country before Trump takes office.

"It was so bad, our immigration website crashed last night" stated a Canadian official, "I mean yea our website is powered by green energy, and we had to bring in a second exercise bike to power the server aye! But it's working again now!"

Some border jumpers were quite surprised upon reaching the country of their destination. "What do you mean you need n ID to vote in Canada and Mexico? Don't these people know it's clearly racist!"

Furthermore, must to their surprise, Mexico has a strict anti-illegal immigration law, and violators could be faced with jail time.

"I really didn't realize that these other countries were more strict than us on this stuff!" claimed one border jumper as he was being detained by Mexican authorities.

Mexican drug cartels have already started creating their own border patrol groups, detaining any United States citizens who attempt to enter the country illegally.

Pink Floyd would be proud. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

BREAKING: Donald Trump to Purchase Hagerstown

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Sources have confirmed that Donald Trump will be purchasing the City of Hagerstown on Sunday, April 24.

Mr. Trump will fly into the Rider Jet Center, and announce his purchase.

"We're going to make Hagerstown great again! First thing we're going to do is build a new baseball stadium, with my own money. Then we're going to level the entire Arts and Entertainment district, and replace it with a walking trail!"

Other improvements planned by Trump include the civil forfeiture of all property in Hagerstown through eminent domain, and the construction of several Trump casinos, as well as a wall to separate Hagerstown from the rest of Washington County.

Hagerstown officials were unavailable for comment.

Any local residents who wish to witness this historic purchase can register for tickets at Donald Trump's website.

No walking trails replaced functional buildings while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is Satire.