You Won't Believe who The Hagerstown Report Endorses for President

HAGERSTOWN, MD - After much debate, The Hagerstown Report has decided to follow suit with several other news organizations across the globe and announce our endorsement for President of the United States.

We find ourselves faced with a decision of paramount proportions.

This candidate wants to unify not just the United States, but the entire world, for a single cause.

Unfortunately, our candidate is not without his flaws. Many feel this candidate wants too much power, or that the candidate is a warmonger who shall only bring us death and destruction. The Hagerstown Report rejects those statements, and feel that our candidate will do what is right for our country and the rest of the world.

That is why we at The Hagerstown Report officially endorse Cthulhu, the Great Old One, for President of the United States. When faced with a choice of two evils, why settle for the lesser evil?

Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn. The Hagerstown Report is Satire.

Local Business Owner Recovers Hillary Clinton's Emails

HAGERSTOWN, MD - A local business owner was recently requested to attempt retrieval of Hillary's emails from her personal email server, as part of a Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) request.

Local business owner Chris Abbott, who owns My Tech computer services on Dual Highway in Hagerstown, volunteered to perform forensic analysis of the server free of charge, as a service to his country.

Unfortunately, analysis of the server indicates some of the emails will be completely irretrievable.

"You see, sometimes email servers can be used for multiple domains. Not only did this email server host clintonfoundation.org, but it also hosted several other sites being operated by the Clintons." according to Abbott.

When asked to elaborate, Abbott was a bit hesitant at first to discuss what else was hosted on the server. "Well, I can't get into too many details, but unfortunately most of Hillary's emails were overwritten by emails for another site called Slick Willy's Dating Service. These were rather, um, large emails, and took up a lot of space, overwriting other emails on the server."

After going into some technical details our reporter simply didn't understand, Abbott finally simplified things. "So, these emails, which were all addressed to bill@slickwillysdating.net, they contained a lot of porn. We're not just talking regular porn, we're talking BDSM, with chains, whips, that sort of thing. These emails had very large images and videos attached, and it overwrote everything else on the email server."

Abbott was successful in retrieving some of Hillary's more recent emails, and will be passing them on to the State Department for release under FOIA.

No artificial life forms were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.