BREAKING: Washington County Cybersecurity Incident Details Leaked

HAGERSTOWN, MD -   In a shocking turn of events, the Washington County Government's highly classified Thanksgiving 2022 cybersecurity incident has taken a bizarre twist, revealing a daring heist conducted by none other than space aliens. Forget about digital attacks and hackers in dark basements; it seems extraterrestrial beings have a taste for government servers and a penchant for Thanksgiving secrets.

CCTV footage obtained exclusively by our news team shows otherworldly creatures sneaking into the Washington County server room under the cover of darkness. Sporting flashy metallic suits and questionable fashion choices, the aliens managed to snatch servers right from under the county's nose.

The footage depicts the aliens carrying the servers down the street, with one extraterrestrial caught on camera struggling to balance a tower of servers while trying to avoid tripping over its own alien feet. Onlookers initially mistook the scene for an avant-garde art project or a particularly eccentric flash mob.

Eyewitnesses reported strange lights and weird sounds, but it wasn't until the servers levitated into a hovering saucer on top of the University District Parking Deck that suspicions of an otherworldly involvement began to circulate.

County officials initially denied any extraterrestrial connection, suggesting a more conventional digital attack was the culprit. However, leaked documents now confirm the involvement of beings from a galaxy far, far away, seeking to unravel the mysteries of Washington County's coveted Thanksgiving recipes.

Residents of Washington County are now left wondering whether their cherished Thanksgiving traditions are at risk or if these aliens simply have a taste for bureaucracy. As investigations unfold, the world eagerly awaits the outcome of diplomatic talks between Washington County officials and the enigmatic extraterrestrial entities.

In the meantime, conspiracy theorists are hard at work connecting the dots between the alien server heist and mysterious turkey disappearances across the county, leaving us all to wonder: Is Thanksgiving the next battleground for intergalactic culinary supremacy?

No computer servers were stolen by extraterrestrials while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Hagerstown to Attach Ribbons to Speed Cam Tickets for Holidays

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In celebration of the holidays, the City of Hagerstown has announced that between now and January 1, 2024, the city will attach holiday ribbons to speed cam tickets, as a festive "thank you" for out of town visitors for helping fund the local police department.

"We believe the ribbons will put out of state visitors in the holiday spirit, so that they'll be more willing to pay the speed cam ticket, and encourage them to come back to visit again."

Out of state visitors not paying speed cam tickets is a serious problem for the City of Hagerstown. In 2017, it was reported that there were $1.5 Million in unpaid tickets outstanding.

In addition to the holiday ribbon, each city council member will take turns creating hand-written thank you notes to those receiving speed cam tickets over the holidays. These notes will really tug at the heart strings, similar to the SPCA commercials which tell you about how your donation will help save abused animals.

Washington County Government is planning to implement a similar campaign with their own speed cam tickets, but with a different twist. The handwritten thank you notes will inform the receiver of the county's upcoming financial crisis, and that all donations ticket fines will be used to create a defense fund for ongoing sexual harassment suits against former County Commissioners.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from The Hagerstown Report.  This article is satire, for now anyway.