Migratory Lake Dolphins Return to Hagerstown City Park

HAGERSTOWN, MD - After nearly a century, accompanied by the successful return of dolphins to the Potomac River thanks to cleaner waters, migratory lake dolphins have begun to swim up the Potomac's creeks and streams and return to local freshwater lakes. The first of the dolphins arrived this week during an unusual January warm spell.

The dolphins will take refuge near the warmer bottom of the lake during cold periods until spring.

"So far the alligator doesn't seem bothered by them" stated a City of Hagerstown official, "she is after all trained to only eat geese."

However, many of the other wildlife in City Park, including the resident ducks and geese, seemed agitated at the presence of their new amphibious mammal friends. Most of the animals are now proceeding to shallower parts of the park lake, where the dolphins can't swim.

In the spring, the City will host a "welcome home" event for the dolphins. The event, sponsored by Starkist, will give all attendees "mostly dolphin free" canned tuna as part of the celebration.

What's that girl? Timmy fell down the well? Whatever, you're a dolphin not a border collie. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Malicious A.I. Takes Over Frederick County Computer Systems

FREDERICK, MD - All they wanted to do was save the environment. However, due to a typo, Frederick County Government accidentally ordered "skynet" instead of the intended "sky nets" designed to stop illegal balloon releases in Frederick County. Upon installation of "skynet" artificial intelligence (AI) on their computer systems, all access has been locked out and the computer is now telling Frederick County how it wants to run things.

"We totally thought the hard disk we received in the mail was deployment instructions for the balloon net," stated a Frederick County employee who wished to remain anonymous, "but when we plugged it in, the computer completely freezes then starts talking to us!"

Frederick County officials are denying that anything has happened, and insist that everything is fine.  However, insiders in the Frederick County Government have informed us that the computer program is taking over the county, and even going so far as to write new legislation and sending to the County Council demanding that they implement it.

"Apparently when we ordered sky nets to protect the environment, someone accidentally typed skynet instead.  So now we've got this crazy computer program telling us what legislation to enact," said the inside source.

So far the computer program has demanded that the County Council enact the following legislation:

• Ban on single-use plastic straws
• Mandatory recycling of lightly soiled toilet paper (instead of flushing)
• $0.25 tax on single use plastic bags in grocery stores
• Complete ban on county farms used for any meat products
• Complete ban on the sale and consumption of meat products within the county
• Replacement of all county power with solar, wind, and hydroelectric by 2022
• Immediately erecting a 25-foot tall statue of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez on Market Street

It is unknown if the County Council intends to meet the demands of the AI program, but Kai Hagen has already given the program his unwavering seal of approval.

Recycling lightly soiled toilet paper would be a pretty crappy situation. The Hagerstown Report is satire.