Congress Introduces Affordable Firearms Act Requiring Gun Ownership

WASHINGTON, DC - Today congress introduced legislation designed to enable all citizens of the United States to possess a firearm, regardless of income.

Modeled after the Affordable Care Act, aka Obamacare, the Affordable Firearms Act requires all United States citizens without felony records or mental illness to own at least one firearm, or be assessed a 3% income tax penalty.

The bill requires a national firearms purchase marketplace, where those who cannot afford to purchase firearms can obtain one at discount, or depending on income, at no charge.

"There must be a firearm in the home for every person over 16 years of age." stated the house majority leader. "We believe this will significantly help with those who have the right to a firearm for self defense, but are being denied that right due to cost."

Firearm manufacturer stocks soared with the announcement, but several manufacturers expressed concerns that they may be unable to meet production requirements.

President-elect Trump praised the measure on Twitter.

Supreme court experts believe that the Affordable Firearms Act will not be challenged, as it follows the same legal measures as the Affordable Care Act. Attempts to challenge the AFA in court will be struck down, using the precedence already set by the ACA.

"Some people may have concerns regarding the ownership of firearms." stated one congress member. "Fortunately they can file for an exemption under the mental illness clause, by forwarding a copy of their Democrat voter registration card to the IRS."

Game. Set. Match. The comments on this should be hilarious. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Hagerstown Gators Replacing Suns; to Begin Playing April 2018

HAGERSTOWN, MD - With the departure of the Hagerstown Suns in 2018 to become the Gilbertsville Zerns, Hagerstown has found a private baseball team to take their place.

In 2018, in honor of Hagerstown's newest mascot Ally the Alligator (currently residing in City Park), Hagerstown will have a new baseball team, the Hagerstown Gators.

"We look forward to our partnership with this new baseball team, and truly believe we can help them break their losing streak" stated one of the city council members.

The Gators, previously known as the Springville Lions, are currently in a 231 game losing streak across multiple seasons. The team's owner, Edward Burns, believes that the change in location may be exactly what the team needs.

As part of the move, The Hagerstown Report has become the exclusive licensee of Hagerstown Gators merchandise, which you can buy from our online store.

The Hagerstown Report wishes the Suns good luck, and welcomes the Hagerstown Gators in 2018!

The Suns aren't really leaving yet, but if we don't do something Hagerstown might lose baseball forever. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Local Museum Director Caught in Global Conspiracy Faking Dinosaurs Existence

The actual book used in the conspiracy

HAGERSTOWN, MD - A local museum director has been discovered to be part of a global conspiracy faking the existence of dinosaurs. Discovery Station Director of Operations Brittany Wedd has been communicating with other museum directors across the globe to make the world's population believe that dinosaurs actually existed millions of years ago.

Hagerstown Report investigative reporter Loo Scallywag has discovered that Wedd as well as others have been communicating using a secret underground network of iron pipes, tapping out their communication with each other using Morse Code.

Hagerstown Report was tipped off when an anonymous local resident reported that they had proof Wedd was digging complex tunnel systems underground using the witchcraft she calls "science", and planting deep underground collections of chicken bones in patterns designed to fool paleontologists into believing they are the remnants of dinosaurs. Wedd would even use the same witchcraft to alter the carbon dating of the fossils, further tricking paleontologists.

The mastermind behind this operation is Steven Spielberg. Readers may recall, Spielberg is not only the producer/director of several movies in the Jurassic Park series, but also an avid hunter of wild triceratops. Hagerstown Report has uncovered definitive proof of the Wedd-Spielberg connection, through the selfie taken by Wedd below. The ultimate endgame of this global conspiracy is to increase interest in the Jurassic Park movie franchise, and continue its production through the 21st century.

Wedd with Spielberg during a triceratops hunting trip

The Hagerstown Report will keep its readers updated as more information about this conspiracy develops.

The Discovery Station is really an awesome place, you should check it out! The Hagerstown Report is satire.

EDITORIAL: The Fake War on Fake News

The Hagerstown Report is satire. In fact, this is probably the only serious post you'll ever read on this site.

However, I think it's time to get something off my chest. As a satire writer and supporter of liberty, I'm currently terrified by this whole "war on fake news". I am absolutely terrified that satirical criticism of events and politicians will quickly become taboo, labeled as "trouble making", and satire writers targeted for trying to make people think and do their own research.

I purposely make Hagerstown Report articles extremely off-the-wall and unbelievable, and yet some people still believe them! I don't write these articles to trick people, I write these articles to entertain while also pointing out serious issues in our society. Are we so blinded now, believing everything we read, that we don't take the time to question if what we're being told is accurate or not?

You see, the war on "fake news" isn't really a war on fake news. Traditional news media is dying, because in-part people don't trust mainstream media anymore.

And why should they? When major news corporations scream about fake news, but then have to quietly issue retractions about their own fake news articles, perhaps it's time people around the world started doing research on their own, weighing multiple sources before deciding what's real or how they should feel about it.

When anyone can be considered a journalist thanks to social media, the real media is struggling to stay relevant.

Don't get me wrong, there are problems with people spreading false information. However, this isn't a new problem. Let's not forget this country was founded, in part, due to fake news and over-exaggerations regarding the British firing on unarmed civilians in Boston. Compare this incident to recent BLM protests and you start to realize that we have a very long history of stretching the truth for political gains. I don't say this because I am against any of these causes, but only in an attempt to objectively look at what's happening in this country.

The problem with all of these arguments about "fake news" is that people are complaining "the Government should do something!" or "Facebook should do something!".  Allow me to translate this into something a bit more meaningful: "Someone (in authority) should do something (censorship) because I'm too lazy to do my own research, and want everything spoonfed to me."

You don't want that! You don't want the government or the media or someone in authority to "do something".  It won't end well! If you truly want someone in authority to make sure only "the truth" is published, you won't end up with the truth, but merely a bunch of lies presented as the truth, with no ability to refute the evidence! Just ask North Korea's citizens how that's working out for them.

For a people to be truly free, they must be independent thinkers. Do your own research, don't rely on someone else to tell you what's going on, or you're only just going to end up buying into whatever agenda they're spoon feeding you.

CONFIRMED: Hagerstown Suns Moving in 2018 to Gilbertsville, PA

HAGERSTOWN, MD - After several failed deals to reach an agreement on a new stadium in Hagerstown, the Suns are packing their bags and moving to Gilbertsville, PA.

Gilbertsville, population 4,000, is a small community in southeastern PA, and is truly the definition of a small town.

"We received an offer from the Amish community to bring baseball to help increase tourist revenue. It turns out that leading a public life of simplicity, while secretly watching TV and playing PlayStation when you get home from the farmer's market seems to attract gullible Americans willing to pay top dollar for hand-crafted stuff that's way overpriced."

As part of the move, the Suns will become the Gilbertsville Zerns, and play in a small bleacher-only stadium being constructed at the Zerns Farmers Market.

Gilbertsville residents are absolutely thrilled that baseball will be coming to their small town. "Martha and I can't wait to see all the horse and buggies parked by the stadium at game time! It's really going to bring the community together!"

Fortunately for Hagerstown residents, with the move to Gilbertsville, plans to fill the stadium with water and add a cruise ship can proceed on schedule.

Many thanks to People of Lancaster for sharing the information about Zerns Farmers Market on their Facebook page.

The similarities to Zerns logo and the Suns logo are scary. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Hagerstown Christmas Decorations go Horribly Wrong

Photo of the decorations which remained up only one night.

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In a moment of laughter, horror, and confusion, the Hagerstown City Council realized that their purchase of new decorations for downtown has gone horribly wrong.

"We had to take them down right away, after receiving complaints" stated one of the council members.

The city was absolutely excited when a Chinese supplier "Hue G. Dong" submitted the original bid of only one million dollars for delivering new lights to the city. The original budgeted amount was five million dollars.

Unfortunately, the city has come to realize that the large discount ultimately resulted in the city dangling decorations not fit to expose to the public.

"It's a tough situation to swallow." stated another council member. "I think we really got screwed."

None of the city council would directly discuss what the specific complaints were with the new decorations, other than "Immediately after erecting the new lights, we realized going with the lowest bidder might have really shafted us in the end."

The city is reviewing its options and considering sending a missionary to China to discuss their position on the matter. It is rumored that former County Commissioner Spong may be enlisted to help, since he is supposedly an expert at getting numbers on their backs to do what they want.

This article would have been more entertaining if Dick Trump was still mayor. The Hagerstown Report is satire.