Syrian Refugee Welcome Parade Nov. 31 Will Close Some Roads in Hagerstown

The parade route on Nov. 31

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The City Council will welcome our area's first group of Syrian refugees in a parade on Nov. 31. Several roads in Hagerstown will be closed for this event, including Hebb Road and part of Sharpsburg Pike.

The parade, which will last from 6 PM to 9 PM, begins at the Islamic Society of Western Maryland, and concludes at the Motor Vehicle Administration, where all refugees will receive a welcome package.

"We're extremely excited to host our peaceful brothers and sisters from Syria, and hope that they will be welcomed into the community," stated one council member.

As part of the welcome package, each Syrian will receive the following:

• A driver's license
• A voter registration card
• Food stamps for one year
• Free cell phone through Obamaphone program
• Free health care through Obamacare program
• A work permit with a second social security number, so that refugees can draw government benefits and take local jobs at the same time
• A "clock making kit" complete with suitcase, electronic clock, and a small amount of Uranium.

Local employers will be given tax incentives to lay off current local workers and replace them with refugees for a one year period.

Residents interested in attending the parade should arrive at least two hours ahead of time. No backpacks or coolers please.

No jihadists infiltrated the United States as refugees while writing this article, at least that's what the President told us. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

Hagerstown Do-nut Drop Draws Attention of PETA!?!

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The annual New Years "do-nut drop" may not go according to plan, if the current flavor do-nut is used.

This year's do-nut is banana flavored. Everyone seemed to think this was a great idea, until a local animal rights organization mentioned that a giant ape may find the do-nut appealing, and possibly crash the party. Since giant apes are endangered species, Hagerstown would be helpless to stop it.

"It's a worst case scenario", stated one city council member who wished to remain anonymous. "If a giant ape decides to crash the party, we're done for. He'll find the tallest building in Hagerstown, and start munching on his do-nut. Our hands are really tied due to Maryland's environmental regulations. Our only option at this point is to change the do-nut flavor."

A giant ape in New York City, 2005

Upon hearing that the city was considering changing the flavor of the do-nut, a PETA spokesperson provided the following statement, "We at PETA believe that giant apes have a right to feed and take up residence in tall buildings. I'm sure everyone has seen Peter Jackson's documentary on what happens if a local government doesn't give such an animal the necessary space. If the City of Hagerstown changes the do-nut flavor and deprives the ape its food, we will be forced to file suit in Federal court."

Rhedosaurus in New York City, 1997

PETA made similar threats to the city of New York in 1997 when special lights in the New Years Eve ball ran the risk of attracting a Rhedosaurus. New York City took these threats seriously, and allowed the Rhedosaurus to roam free in New York on New Years Eve.

A video of the incident is available on YouTube.

No extinct or mythical creatures were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

Free at-home Tanning for Hagerstown Report Readers!

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In response to two local tanning salons closing their doors, The Hagerstown Report is happy to announce our free at-home tanning program!

Through revolutionary technology, The Hagerstown Report is able to enable you to tan at home for free!

All you need is a smart phone, and an internet connection!

Using the QR code above, readers can access the previously unlocked tan-at-home functionality of their smartphone.  No installation required!

Please limit exposure to a maximum of 15 minutes per day.

Step 1) Set your phone brightness to maximum, not auto, and disable turning off your display! Having your phone set to auto will diminish the tanning effects, and if your display shuts off, the tanning won't work.
Step 2) Use your phone to scan the QR code pictured, or visit http://i.imgur.com/53DCg5a.png
Step 3) Point your screen at the area of your body you want to tan, and hold it approximately 1 inch away from your skin. Slowly move the phone across your body in order to receive a full tanning experience.

Please note that while untested with laptop or desktop systems, the same effects can theoretically be achieved using a laptop or desktop monitor. You will need to move your arms and legs in front of the monitor in order to achieve the same tanning effect evenly across your body.

This is just another thank-you for all our loyal readers!!!!!

Some phones are smarter than their owners. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

Ben Carsong Clarifies Egyptian Grain Pyramid Theory - Soylent Grain

WASHINGTON, DC - Hagerstown Report staff writer and science expert Benny Carsong clarified his "Egyptian Pyramids used for grain storage" theory today.

In his expanded theory, Carsong explains that the ancient Egyptians were facing a food shortage, until the miraculous creation of the food "Soylent Grain".

Soylent Grain wasn't actually a grain at all, but in reality, ground up, human remains - which there just happened to be plenty of in the pyramids. So, parts of the pyramids were turned into food processing centers, under the disguise of "grain storage".

"There's still a lot of protein in mummified remains, and the Egyptians discovered it could be used in place of grain for cooking. It really did revolutionize Egyptian culture, and save them from the brink of starvation."

Carsong came under fire for originally mentioning his grain theory, but now that the theory has been clarified, he feels much better about his chances of possibly coming in third place in the presidential race.

"There's a trophy or something for third place, right guys?"

No politicians lost their sanity while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

Westboro Baptist Church Members Hold Local LGBT Pride Event

ROCKVILLE, MD - November 10th Westboro Baptist Church members will visit Rockville High School to promote LGBT awareness.

WBC a gay and lesbian pride group from Topeka, Kansas, promote LGBT awareness by pretending to be protesters. Some members will protest against LGBT causes, while others will counter-protest.

"It really is about awareness and promoting love," stated an anonymous member, "me and my life partner will be there, and we'll make sure to be as obnoxious as possible in order to pretend to be anti-gay protesters."

The WBC members, all of whom are actually part of the LGBT community, is often mistaken for serious protesters, due to their convincing awareness methods.

"We really stay in-character, it's kinda fun! Then after we're done, we all go to a hotel with our same-sex life partners, have a nice dinner, then leave the next morning."

No crazy cult members drank the kool-aid while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

No Voters Show for Hagerstown Elections, Incumbents Win by Default

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The Hagerstown mayor and city council were re-elected today by default, as no residents showed up to vote.

"I've never seen anything like it," said one election judge, "we've had problems with voter turnout in the past, but surely we expected at least one person to show up."

Election judges were baffled as to how to proceed, as there are no laws covering what to do in the case of no votes.

"We debated for a while, and figured, well, might as well just let the incumbents stay for another term. If people had a problem with it, they would have come out and voted."

If only one person would have showed up for the election, that person would have single-handed determined the future of Hagerstown politics for the next term.

No election judges suffered nervous breakdowns while writing this article. The Hagerstown elections aren't actually until 2016, but every vote counts, so get out and vote! The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.

Hagerstown Residents Will Be Required to Recycle ...WHAT!?!

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Today City Council passed a new ordinance requiring all residents to recycle their toilet paper, instead of flushing it down.

"In one year, the average person uses 5,644 square feet of toilet paper. That means every year, Hagerstown flushes 229,214,128 square feet of toilet paper. Think of how many trees have to be cut down, just so you can wipe your ass." stated one council member.

Residents will receive special biohazard recycling bins in the coming weeks, which residents can use to dispose of used toilet paper.

Before placing used toilet paper in the recycling bin, residents should clean the toilet paper by running it under water in the sink, then hang the toilet paper on a clothesline to dry.

Collection will be weekly.

"We're going to be performing spot checks of your sewage output, and if we find you have been flushing your toilet paper instead of recycling it, you'll face a fine."

All recycled toilet paper will be used to help reduce local newspaper printing costs.

No sewer monsters were harmed while writing this article. Please do not attempt to recycle your toilet paper, that's just gross. The Hagerstown Report is a satire site.