City of Hagerstown Announces Local Simplified Language

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In response to local difficulties with understanding different forms of words, the City of Hagerstown passed an ordinance today requiring residents to use a simplified form of English known as "newspeak".

"One of the council members recently read George Orwell's instruction manual on how to keep better tabs on your residents," said the city spokesperson, "and they thought the idea of simplifying our language was a great idea."

Under the simplified language, words such as "their", "there" and "they're" are simply replaced with a new version, such as "theyre". This simplified version allows residents to avoid embarrassment when using the wrong form of a word.

This language also removes many negative words from local language.

"We became increasingly concerned about criticisms of the city being viewed in a negative light. So we're asking residents to talk more softly about the city."

Just a few of the words which have been removed include "bad", "terrible", "horrible", and "ugly".

As an example, here are a few common sentences and their replacements under the new language.

Oldspeak: The tax rate in Hagerstown is bad.

Newspeak: The tax rate in Hagerstown is ungood.

Oldspeak: It's terrible that they're not doing anything about the tax rate.

Newspeak: Its unbeautiful that theyre not doing anything about the tax rate.

Oldspeak: Politicians tell lies to their voters.

Newspeak: Politicians tell untruths to theyre voters.

By removing these negative words from the local language, and replacing them with "softer" words, the mayor and council believe this will create positive impact on local attitudes towards the city and its elected officials.

Residents were asked for comment on this new ordinance, but unfortunately none could express their unhappiness about the ordinance while following the new language rules.

A $50 fine will be imposed for residents and visitors who refuse to abide by the new language. All fine proceeds will go towards a new walking trail somewhere within the city. Signs informing visitors of the language requirements shall be posted at each major entrance to the city limits within the next few months.

City council also announced for the next meeting plans to discuss implementing a new math system, which includes updated curriculum such as "2+2=5".

No English teachers were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.

Local Facebook Group Social Experiment Successful

HAGERSTOWN, MD - A local social experiment involving multiple Facebook groups has been declared a huge success.

Researchers created multiple Facebook groups with similar names, such as "Whats Going on in Hagerstown", "What's REALLY Going on in Hagerstown", "What's Going on in the 4 State", etc.

"After the huge success of Hagerstown Yard Sale and its ability to show that people will argue over anything and everything when it comes to buying and selling stuff, we wanted to follow up with a more impressive study to find out what local people are actually doing and thinking in this area," said one of the researchers. "So, we created these groups with all the same theme, and applied different degrees of administrators and rules, and measured responses to different posts and situations. It was all really quite fascinating!"

And the final conclusion of the experiment?

"Well, we started out asking the basic question of What's Going On... and the answer became very clear."

The entire study was summarized with a single sentence.

"Drama; that's what is going on in our area."

No local residents were tortured with a cattle prod while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.

Residents Mistake Train Horn for Apocalypse

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Tonight in the west end, multiple residents began simultaneously begging for forgiveness and salvation, as they heard repeated train horns, which they mistook for the seven trumpets of the apocalypse, as mentioned in the book of Revelation.

Several residents were sighted outside their homes fearful that the end has come.

Others simply took to social media to complain about the noise.

"Now remember everyone, if this is the apocalypse, you need to use hashtag #EndTimes. Any other hashtag will be unacceptable." said one local resident.

Hagerstown officials were not available for immediate comment, as they were all hiding inside a secret underground bunker beneath city hall, in case the end times really were upon us.

More details of this story as it unfolds.

No horsemen of the apocalypse were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.

OPINION: Ban DHMO in Washington County

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Recent studies have found Washington County is severely contaminated with Hydric Acid, which is also known as Dihydrogen Monoxide (DHMO). Residents should be very concerned by this, and contact their elected officials immediately to ask them to ban DHMO.

DHMO is an industrial solvent and coolant, and has previously been found at the Central Chemical Superfund Site located in Hagerstown, MD.

However, recent studies have found DHMO not only in the ground, but in our streams, ponds, and even the air we breathe. DHMO was even found inside the old MELP plant in Hagerstown.

According to the Material Safety Data Sheet, DHMO is not currently regulated, but reacts vigorously with sodium, potassium,  and other alkali metals.

The Hagerstown Report urges readers to contact their elected officials today, and demand a ban of the use of DHMO be put in place county-wide.

No aquatic life was harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.

Sister City Files Grievance Against Hagerstown

Coat of Arms of Wesel

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Today Wesel, Germany filed an international grievance against Hagerstown, MD, over Augustoberfest. In the grievance, Wesel cited the menu of the 2014 Augustoberfest as an insult to the German Oktoberfest.

The spokesman for Wesel expressed much dismay over the selection of drinks available at the event; "I can understand the iced tea, I can understand the Pepsi, I can understand the bottled water, I can understand the wine, and I can even understand serving non-alcoholic beer. But what really offended us in Germany was the serving of Coors Light. I mean, if it was brewed locally I'd understand, but it's not even a local beer for Hagerstown - and quite honestly it tastes just as bad as that kangaroo urine the Australians sell labeled as Fosters."

The grievance did include a list of alternative beverages which could be served at this year's Augustoberfest. This list included local brews such as Flying Dog, as well as several German beers which were unpronounceable. At the end of the grievance, a handwritten note regarding how "embarrassed" the people of Wesel were to be loosely associated with such an event, and a challenge to Hagerstown to make their Augustoberfest more authentic.

"The association of Wesel Germany with this event has offended many local residents here in Wesel. Germans take pride in their heritage, food, and beer. The residents of Hagerstown should do the same, and not simply use the event as an excuse to become completely wasted." concluded the grievance.

No German Braumeisters were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.

UFO Spotted Near Halfway Park

Dramatic reenactment of the flying saucer. Not a real photo. 

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Today social media was abuzz as Halfway residents saw what appeared to be a flying saucer briefly hover near Halfway Park, then vanish into the clouds.

"It was really spooky," said a resident who wished to remain anonymous, "it hovered there for about thirty seconds, then took off straight up into the sky! I swear I'm never drinking before 4 PM again!"

When asked for comment, the City of Hagerstown initially refused comment, but then responded that the flying saucer was actually fireworks. "There was no flying saucer over Hagerstown. The Hagerstown Airport verified there was nothing on radar during the time of the supposed sighting. This was most likely the result of fireworks igniting swamp gas."

Any residents who may have captured photos or video of the incident are encouraged to post them on The Hagerstown Report Facebook page.

No extra terrestrials were harmed while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is a satire website.