A-10 Warthog to Stop Dirt Bikes in Hagerstown

HAGERSTOWN, MD - During today's City Council meeting, the Mayor and Council announced that an A-10 Thunderbolt II, also known as the Warthog, is being purchased by the City to stop the dangerous dirt bike riders the city has seen increase as the weather has become warmer. All of the A-10 Warthogs were built by Fairchild locally in Hagerstown during the 1970's and 1980's.

"The Air National Guard is giving us a great discount," stated a city representative, "normally these cost around 11 million, but we're only spending 5 million."

Every summer the City of Hagerstown has to deal with illegal dirt bikes riding on city streets, and even sidewalks. This year a rider received permanent brain damage due to an accident.

"Our no-chase policy makes it very difficult to stop the dirt bikes, but with the A-10 Warthog we can stop the dirt bike riders once and for all without endangering the safety of any innocent bystanders" stated a representative for the Hagerstown Police Department.

The Hagerstown City Council voted 3 to 2 to approve the purchase of the A-10 as well as approve an ordinance allowing close air support operations for Hagerstown Police Department. The A-10 will be stationed out of Hagerstown Airport, and armed with a 30mm GAU-8 Avenger rotary cannon, capable of eliminating 3,900 dirt bikes per minute.

"This is a really exciting time for Hagerstown! Not only is one of our A-10's coming home to stay, but it's filling an important law enforcement role!" stated a city representative.

The A-10 Warthog will be patrolling Hagerstown's skies starting June 1, 2021.

No illegal dirt bike riders were turned into a cloud of smoke while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

State Highway Admin. Purchased Williamsport Goat "Willy" for I-81 Mowing Alternative

WILLIAMSPORT, MD - The State Highway Administration announced today that its pilot program of using goats as an alternative to mowing along interstates has been a great success, and the state will soon expand the program to other parts of interstates in Maryland.

The state purchased the goat from a local farm several years ago as an experiment to see if goats could be used to control vegetation instated of mowing. After spending approximately $500,000 to train the goat, nicknamed "Willy" due to the goat's proximity to Williamsport, the State Highway Administration released the goat who happily began eating the unlimited food along I-81 and the nearby C&O Canal.

"Overall we've seen a significant savings of approximately $200,000 over four years" stated a SHA representative.

The General Overall Animal Training (G.O.A.T.) program employed by SHA and the City of Hagerstown's alligator based geese population control program are considered much greater successes than the CIA's 1960's program "Acoustic Kitty" in which the CIA spent $20 million to surgically embed a microphone and transmitter inside a cat, released it outside the Russian embassy, and watched in horror as it promptly walked out into traffic and was hit by a car.

"The next step is to expand this to Interstates across the state." stated the SHA representative, "Just wait until people start seeing goats on I-270, they're really going to start freaking out!"

Amazingly, yes the Acoustic Kitty is a real thing. Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Frederick County Introduces Balloon Registration Act

FREDERICK, MD - The Frederick County Council has passed a local ordinance known as the "Balloon Registration Act of 2021" designed to hold accountable Frederick County residents who release balloons into the air.in violation of county ordinances. The ordinance not only requires all balloons in the county to have traceable serial numbers at the point of purchase, but grants the Frederick County Sheriff's Office broad powers to wiretap and monitor any Frederick County resident who purchases a balloon, uses the word "balloon" on social media, or is friends with Eric Beasley.

"This year will go down in history. For the first time, a civilized nation has full balloon registration! Our streets will be safer, our police more efficient, and the world will follow our lead into the future!" said one of the Frederick County Council members.

The County Executive's office announced support of the measure as well. "The most foolish mistake we could possibly make would be to allow the subjugated people of Frederick County to possess balloons. History shows that all conquerors who have allowed their subjugated residents to carry balloons have prepared their own downfall by so doing." When asked what the County Executive meant by "conquerors" the County Executive quickly accused the reporter of being racist, and quickly changed the subject.

The registration act takes effect immediately, and is retroactive. All Frederick County residents must register their existing balloons with the Frederick County Sheriff's Office. The registration fee is $100 per balloon.

When government fears the people, there is liberty. When the people fear the government, there is tyranny. The Hagerstown Report is satire. Also, hi Chuck!

WashCo Commissioners Announce Reality TV Crime/Drama Series

HAGERSTOWN, MD - In light of all the recent drama and misconduct surrounding the Washington County Government, the County Commissioners have announced they have struck a deal with a major cable network to produce a reality TV series called "Tales from the County". The series, airing this fall, will follow the daily struggles, drama, and ethical challenges of the County Commissioners and the county employees.

"This is the next Jerry Springer Show!" said a county representative who has been watching the drama unfold around her. "The cable network is paying us millions of dollars to produce this show - it's going to do amazing things for our county budget."

Episodes have already begun filming, and focus on not just the drama which unfolds at County Commissioner meetings, but their personal lives as well. The first episode, titled "What happens in Korea..." will look at some of the past county commissioners and their ethical troubles, as well as  footage of when the Washington County Sheriff's Office visited a county commissioner's home for a domestic dispute.

The network producer spoke to The Hagerstown Report a bit more about the show's concept. "If you take Parks and Recreation, combine it with COPS, and add in a sprinkle of Saturday Night Live, you'll understand what an amazing circus of a county government we have here."

As filming allows, side stories including the Board of Education and municipal governments will also be filmed. Some of the footage will use previously recorded meetings and events, such as Karen Harshman voting to remove herself from the Board of Education or her attorney's epic "Dr. Phil" defense.

So how much income will this produce for the county? The total production cost of Season One is approximately five million dollars. After permit fees, expenses, contributions to the County Commissioner Common Legal Defense Fund, and a generous kickback of $20,000 to each County Commissioner who owns a distillery, the Washington County general fund will receive approximately $3.50, which is just enough money to summon the Chesapeake Bay Monster "Chessy" from the Potomac River for the full length feature film "Godzilla vs. Chessy". This disaster film will be filmed on location at some of Hagerstown's crumbling buildings, and very little special effects will be needed to capture the right "mood" of the film.

No mythical creatures were summoned while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

HCC Technical Innovation Center Closed in May 2020 Due to Atomic Accident

HAGERSTOWN, MD - New information has come to light surrounding the sudden closure of Hagerstown Community College's Technical Innovation Center. A student led project on building miniature cold fusion breeder reactors accidentally contaminated the entire building with omega particles.

Omega particles are a highly unstable and short lived molecule which are theorized to have existed in nature at the instant of the Big Bang. It is suspected that this dangerous particle was responsible for the destruction of the remote Lantaru research facility.

Lost RACIST Confederate Treasure In Pangborn Park Lake?

HAGERSTOWN, MD - The real reason for draining and dredging Pangborn Park Lake may have been accidentally stumbled upon by a local twelve year old boy. "Timmy" who lives nearby, was walking past the lake when he noticed something shiny near the edge. Upon picking it up, the object turned out to be a gold coin from 1860. This confused local historians, as Pangborn Park lake was not built until the 1930's, so there's no way someone could have simply thrown the coin into the lake.

One historian had a theory that this may be part of the lost treasure from the ransom of Hagerstown in 1864. For those not familiar, in July of 1864 the RACIST Confederate Army demanded a ransom of $20,000 as well as 1,500 sets of clothing or they would burn the City of Hagerstown. With the aid of the Hagerstown Bank, the city was able to raise the ransom demand in coins and paper money, and prevent the burning of the town.

Local Community College to Require Course on How to be Offended

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Today the local Community College announced that beginning in Fall 2021, all incoming first year students will be required to attend "Social Studies 98-O How to be Offended". This new course is in response to some local residents failing to be offended by an alligator reference in Hagerstown City Park's wikipedia page.

"This important class will ensure that all students are properly indoctrinated to be offended at everything they disagree with, in accordance with our liberal education programs." stated a college representative. An adjunct faculty teacher in the Philosophy and History department has already volunteered to teach the class.