Frederick County Introduces Balloon Registration Act

FREDERICK, MD - The Frederick County Council has passed a local ordinance known as the "Balloon Registration Act of 2021" designed to hold accountable Frederick County residents who release balloons into the air.in violation of county ordinances. The ordinance not only requires all balloons in the county to have traceable serial numbers at the point of purchase, but grants the Frederick County Sheriff's Office broad powers to wiretap and monitor any Frederick County resident who purchases a balloon, uses the word "balloon" on social media, or is friends with Eric Beasley.

"This year will go down in history. For the first time, a civilized nation has full balloon registration! Our streets will be safer, our police more efficient, and the world will follow our lead into the future!" said one of the Frederick County Council members.

The County Executive's office announced support of the measure as well. "The most foolish mistake we could possibly make would be to allow the subjugated people of Frederick County to possess balloons. History shows that all conquerors who have allowed their subjugated residents to carry balloons have prepared their own downfall by so doing." When asked what the County Executive meant by "conquerors" the County Executive quickly accused the reporter of being racist, and quickly changed the subject.

The registration act takes effect immediately, and is retroactive. All Frederick County residents must register their existing balloons with the Frederick County Sheriff's Office. The registration fee is $100 per balloon.

When government fears the people, there is liberty. When the people fear the government, there is tyranny. The Hagerstown Report is satire. Also, hi Chuck!