City Park to host First Annual Turkey Drop this Weekend

HAGERSTOWN, MD - Twenty lucky families will walk away from Hagerstown City Park this Sunday with a free turkey. All they have to do is catch it as it flies out of a helicopter.

A chartered helicopter will make four trips between City Park and Hagerstown Airport. On each trip, five live turkeys will be released out the side of the helicopter. The turkeys will then fly down to the park below, and the first families to catch them get to take the turkey home for Thanksgiving dinner!

All twenty turkeys are farm raised here in Washington County, with no hormones and eating a GMO free, gluten free, organic vegan diet.

The Turkey Drop will begin at noon this Sunday, and last until all twenty turkeys have been caught.

Residents are asked not to allow children under 12 to participate, as they could be injured by the flying turkey.

As God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly! We miss WKRP. The Hagerstown Report is Satire.

Waynesboro School D&D Club Rejected Because of Critical Fail on Intelligence Check by Board Members

Waynesboro, PA - Citing the unrealistic, dramatized TV depiction of a "Dungeons & Dragons" game the Waynesboro Area School Board has voted six to three to reject a D&D club for Waynesboro Middle. The members who voted against the club unfortunately did so because of rolling a "one" on their intelligence check.

"The game involves language skills, math, probability, and creativity. We don't want our students to learn those things in a non-state-approved format which isn't boring." stated a representative for the board.

Unfortunately, because the board members have never taken the time to play D&D outside of their dull, boring everyday lives, they had to rely on depictions of the game from the TV show "Stranger Things", as well as antiquated urban legends that playing D&D somehow makes you want to commit suicide.

The three members who voted for the D&D club unfortunately did not roll high enough to overcome the rest of the board's usage of the "Dumb Luck" feat, in which the board simply avoids meaningful conversations about topics they don't understand, and yet are lucky enough that it's not close enough to an election year for their lack of informed opinions to actually matter.

The same night the board was also asked to approve a Math club. The board has decided to postpone that vote, as they apparently don't understand what math is either, or what its purpose is in a learning environment. Miraculously, they managed to accurately count the votes to adjourn the meeting.

Please post dice shaming pictures to our Facebook wall. This article is mostly satire, but WASD actually rejected the D&D club because they have no idea what D&D is.

Thurmont Finds Loophole to Operate Speed Cameras 24/7

THURMONT, MD - The town of Thurmont has found a way to operate its speed cameras 24/7, instead of only weekdays during school hours as other jurisdictions currently do.

After reviewing Maryland law, the town council found that the time restrictions only apply to automated speed enforcement cameras in school zones. As such, Thurmont has invested in a hybrid model in which speed cameras are manually operated during off-hours.

Each speed camera has been equipped with a periscope inside a small underground bunker. During off hours, the cameras will be manned by retired Navy submarine commanders, who are used to operating inside of tight dark spaces.

"This program will not only increase our speed camera revenue by 300%, but provides an employment path for retired Navy submarine commanders to put their skills to use." stated a council member.

To make the work environment more comfortable, the access personholes will resemble the same hatches used by the Navy in their submarines. The workspace itself will be almost completely dark, and a speaker system has been installed to generate a low hum to simulate the vibrations from a sub under way.

Old Navy submarine joke: 100 sailors go down, 50 couples come back up. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

County Commissioners Donate New Mural to Cultural Trail

HAGERSTOWN, MD - At today's County Commissioner meeting, the commissioners were happy to announce Washington County's newest contribution to the Hagerstown Cultural Trail - a large mural of former President Bill Clinton.

The mural has been painted partially over "The Mural of Unusual Size" after numerous complaints from residents that the abstract art is an eye-sore.

"This mural is being donated to the City of Hagerstown by Washington County in honor of our successful trips to South Korea" stated a county representative.

The official unveiling ceremony will take place on Friday, August 16, and covered by Fox 5 news.

Nothing was spilled on a blue dress while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Frederick Embraces Crusades as Part of New Logo Design

FREDERICK, MD - The City of Frederick has unveiled its new logo, embracing the historic ancestors who first settled in Frederick after their long fought campaigns to reclaim the Holy Land from Muslims. The new logo, at a price tag of $45,000, not only represents a Crusader's cross, but each part of the logo represents different milestones in the city's history, and future.

First, the overall shape of the logo is meant to have multiple meanings. Not only does the logo represent a Crusader cross, but it also resembles the letter "F".  Designers were quick to point out, this "F" does not actually stand for Frederick, but actually is intended to represent pressing the letter F to pay respects to those who fell during the holy war, and those who will fall in the holy wars to come.

Each part of the logo represents an important aspect of Frederick.

To the left, a red duck head. This duck head symbolizes the ducks in Baker Park, and the upcoming war against them to control their population (much like Hagerstown has continued to struggle with overpopulation of geese in City Park).

To the bottom, a green sickle, representing the climate change crisis, and how all of Frederick needs to reap what they sow, helping offset climate change by paying an upcoming carbon tax. This carbon tax will not actually go towards any efforts to fix the climate change crisis, but will be used to provide much needed pay raises to the City Council.

To the top, a blue spike, symbolizing the blue skies of Frederick's upcoming war to re-take the Holy Land.

In the center, a yellow square.Yellow is the color of sunshine and hope, and with Frederick at the center of the next Holy War, it shall be a shining symbol of the war to expand Israel's borders.

Finally, to the right, an arrow pointing to the East. This arrow signifies how Frederick shall lead the charge into the middle-east, and liberate its oil reserves.

Frederick's launching of the next Crusade is currently scheduled for July 4, 2020. President Trump will be in attendance as a caravan of portable missile launchers, tanks, planes, and even an aircraft carrier named the U.S.S. Ivanka on a flatbed truck will be paraded down I-270 to Washington DC. Please note that the Crusade may potentially be delayed due to traffic jams.

No terrible video game design decisions were made while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Sharpsburg Covers Fire Hydrants to Reduce Climate Change

Sharpsburg, MD - Inspired by the recent actions of Frederick County government regarding the climate change crisis, the Town of Sharpsburg has covered all fire hydrants in the town with black plastic bags. These plastic bags are all part of a plan to help lower the Earth's temperature, and fight the climate change crisis.

At first residents were rather confused why the town was covering up all of their fire hydrants. After all, the town's water is working fine, why wouldn't the fire department be able to use the hydrants? However, once learning the truth about why the town is covering the hydrants with black plastic, residents have overwhelmingly supported the move.

"Feedback has been extremely positive," stated a city council member, "through these small steps we have reduced Sharpsburg's carbon footprint by 0.0002 %. Well worth it, when you consider the cost for the materials and installation was only $540,320."

The climate change reduction works through an aquatic heat transfer process. The black plastic heats the fire hydrant, pulling heat away from the nearby air. This heat is then transferred into the water main, where it is safely dissipated underground. "We're heating the ground, not the air, and that's much better for the environment" stated the scientist who sold the idea to the town.

Sharpsburg residents are encouraged to take additional steps to help reduce their carbon footprint and reduce climate change. Steps recommended by the Sharpsburg city council include only bathing once per week, turning your computer monitor brightness down to reduce electricity consumption, and saving pet waste to burn as fuel during the winter months.

"By working together and take small steps, we can help fight the climate change crisis, just like Frederick County!" stated a town representative.

We at The Hagerstown Report applaud the Town of Sharpsburg for their steps towards reducing climate change, and hope other municipalities in Washington County will voluntarily follow suit.

Did you know that in Centralia, while the coal mine was burning underneath, residents were able to use freshly drawn well water to make coffee without having to boil it? That's hot. The Hagerstown Report is satire.

Governor Hogan Announces Pennsylvania Invasion Plan

HAGERSTOWN, MD - While on an emergency trip to Hagerstown, Governor Hogan announced that today he has authorized $1.2 billion in funding to begin the mobilization of the Maryland National Guard to liberate Pennsylvania from the state "salami tax". This announcement is in direct response to the Lancaster pepperoni smuggling which was recently reported on by People of Lancaster.

"We will not sit idly by while Pennsylvania holds hostage a Hagerstown, MD resident who was only seeking to liberate Pennsylvania residents from excessive taxation. Not only will we rescue this fine upstanding Hagerstown resident, but we'll begin a liberation campaign to free Pennsylvania from this heinous tax upon processed meat products." stated the Governor.

Since the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania has already fortified its southern border near Lancaster PA, Maryland National Guard troops will enter Pennsylvania from the east through Delaware and west through Washington County.

Meanwhile, Lancaster residents have started their own protest in response to the arrests. In what has become known as the "Susquehanna Sausage Party", Lancaster residents are travelling to the nearby Susquehanna river to throw stolen salami, pepperoni, sausage, and other meat products into the river as an act of protesting the "salami tax".  Oakwood, MD residents have been seen with fishing nets at the state line waiting for the waterlogged meat to reach Maryland, and there are now rumors of a "barbecue vigil" in which the processed meat products will be consumed while everyone prays for a swift resolution to the conflict.

No innocent fish were harmed by Pennsylvania sausage parties while writing this article. The Hagerstown Report is satire.